Until we accept that our emotional feelings are not done TO us but rather are evoked FROM us, people will seek some advantage in being victims of their hurt & upset. Much of what passes for small talk is a "pity party" of one-upsmanship. Often a perverse, "You can't hurt me 'cause I'm already hurt" character emerges -- guaranteeing, of course, only more hurt & upset. By taking ownership of our hurt, we find thee power to generate the peace and happiness we've been looking for.