Love You, Hate the Porn
by Mark Chamberlain, PhD
Facilitator: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director: AllCEUs Counselor Education
Host: Counselor Toolbox Podcast
CEUs are available for this presentation as part of the Sex and Pornography Addiction Recovery Coaching Certificate Track https://www.allceus.com/member/cart?c=42 or as an individual 2 hour class at https://www.allceus.com/member/cart/index/product/id/1000/c/
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Objectives
~ Explore the impact of pornography on relationships
~ Identify common reactions to finding out about porn
~ Explore needs that may fuel negative cycles
~ Interventions “Relationship Rescue Breaths”
~ Improving intimacy
~ Dealing with insecurity, vulnerability and grief
~ Helping your partner understand what porn does for you
~ Addressing triggers for porn use
Prevalence and Problems
~ 70.8 percent of men and 45.5 percent of women thought they would watch.
~ 22.3 percent of men and 26.3 percent of women thought pornography had no role in a romantic partnership (Olmstead et. al)
~ Michael Kimmel reported in his 2008 book Guyland, young men often watch porn with their peers and for different reasons than older men. Kimmel writes that “guys tend to like the extreme stuff, the double penetrations and humiliating scenes. They watch it together with guys and they make fun of the women in the scene.
Impact of Pornography on Relationships
~ “After viewing pornography, participants became less satisfied with their real-life sexual partners, saw monogamy as less desirable and faithfulness to one’s spouse as less important, and were more prone to overestimate the prevalence of less common sexual practices” (p. 5)
~ “After viewing pornography subjects became more cynical in their attitudes about love and more accepting of the idea that superior sexual satisfaction It attainable without having affection for one’s partner” (p. 5) (Zillman and Bryant 1988)
Impact of Pornography on the Relationship
~ “The partner viewing the pornography had less faith in his wife’s fidelity.” (p. 6)
~ Spouses/partners complained that
~ Their pornography using partner had less sexual desire for them
~ They way they were treated during sex made them feel more like a sex object (Bergner & Bridges 2002)
Impact of Pornography on Relationships
~ Association between consumption of pornography and engaging with multiple and/or occasional partners, emulating risky sexual behaviors, assimilating distorted gender roles, dysfunctional body perception, aggressiveness, anxious or depressive symptoms https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/30761817
Effects of Pornography
~ Robust dopamine response
~ Void of oxytocin after masturbation
~ Sleep deprivation
~ Erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, and an inability to reach orgasm
~ Body adjusts to the intensity of the neurochemical response by dampening its response leading people to feel worse than before they started
~ The shame of pornography use builds walls between partners brick by brick
~ Porn is always available
Effects of Pornography
~ The more people seek pornography, the more isolated they feel
~ Porn teaches viewers to objectify their partners
~ Porn sets unrealistic standards and expectations
~ Partners who have caused pain in their relationships may feel they have lost privileged status and withdraw out of shame and to spare the NP partner the pain.
Common Reactions
~ Helplessness
~ Inability to look at spouse without being reminded of the infidelity
~ Nightmares
~ Worrying your partner is th