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    I Know Just How You Feel: Avoiding the Cliches of Grief: Bereavement and Children
    I Know Just How You Feel: Avoiding the Cliches of Grief: Bereavement and Children
    I Know Just How You Feel: Avoiding the Cliches of Grief: Bereavement and Children
    Ebook93 pages54 minutes

    I Know Just How You Feel: Avoiding the Cliches of Grief: Bereavement and Children

    By Erin Linn

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    About this ebook

    How to approach the bereaved person is something that people have agonized over since the beginning of time. How often have we said or heard someone say, "What can I say to them?" How often has the bereaved person asked, "Why did they say that to me?" This book will begin to answer these questions that have existed for far too long. There is an uncomfortable, helpless feeling no matter which side of the fence you are on. So, if you see yourself in these pages, don't worry. It proves you are only human—what a wonderful way to be.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherThe Publishers Mark
    Release dateJan 18, 2021
    ISBN9781735000015
    I Know Just How You Feel: Avoiding the Cliches of Grief: Bereavement and Children

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      Book preview

      I Know Just How You Feel - Erin Linn

      INTRODUCTION

      Throughout our lives, most of us spend some time being comforted or being the comforter, being consoled or being the consoler. Both roles are painfully difficult and, at times, can be overwhelming. I have been in both roles. In 1974 my six-year old son, Michael, was hit by a car and died instantly. Before this tragic incident I had no idea it was possible to hurt with such intensity. When others would speak of their losses, I really thought I understood. I said things like, That’s too bad, or Time will heal. Then I would retreat into my own little world of security. I did hurt for these people, but it was so hard to relate to a level of pain that I, myself, had never experienced. It wasn’t until my own son died that I realized the truth. I did not know what it was like to receive the third strike, and furthermore, I wasn’t even in the same emotional ballpark with the bereaved person. This book is an attempt to bridge this gap for others.

      Through years of work with bereaved people and of hearing the desperate plight of those who want to comfort the bereaved, I am convinced that the misunderstandings that exist between the two can be avoided. This is a unique opportunity for the comforter and the comforted to listen to each other. It is my hope that through these pages the comforter will find new ways to approach the bereaved through love that is sensitive and productive. It is, also, my wish that the bereaved will find comfort in this book by seeing that what may appear as insensitive comments from relatives and friends are really words of love. Sometimes they are just expressed in a clumsy, awkward way. As a bereaved person, try to keep in mind that the comforter is, also, searching for answers and ways to deal with these tragedies.

      We must draw from the goodness that is in each of us as a place to begin. It is human nature to want to reach out and help those who are in pain. When we know of someone who is grieving, we go to them with words and actions that we hope will both soothe and comfort. Unfortunately, our soothing words may be the most feared of all verbal weapons—the cliche. By its very definition, a cliché—a trite and commonplace expression—is misused and overworked. There is a desperate need for the comforter to supply an answer or provide a remedy for the bereaved person’s pain lest they fail to really help. As a result, with cliches we attempt to provide simple solutions to overwhelming situations. We use stale phrases to nourish the bereaved, just as we use T. V. dinners to feed a computerized society.

      If we speak from our hearts with all the honesty and love we each possess, these canned remedies—cliches—will not be necessary. Besides, there is no answer that truly explains a tragedy such as death in a way that our human faculties can comprehend. We should not feel compelled to produce an explanation no matter how much we care. Trite sayings fall short of expressing our real feelings and can offend the person to whom they are said even though our intentions are honorable. (Comments that cause pain often stay with the newly bereaved longer and can become more intense as time passes.)

      How to approach the bereaved person is something that people have agonized over since the beginning of time. How often have we said or heard someone say, What can I say to them? How often has the bereaved person asked, Why did they say that to me? This book will begin to answer these questions that have existed for far too long. There is an uncomfortable, helpless feeling no matter which side of the fence you are on. So, if you see yourself in these pages don’t worry. It proves you are human—what a wonderful way to be.

      BE STRONG CLICHES

      BIG BOYS DON’T CRY.

      Crying is therapeutic. The tears shed in sadness have a different chemical make-up from those shed in laughter or physical pain. It is nature’s way of cleansing and healing. Men, as well as women and children, should be allowed to use this God-given way of relieving stress. More men die from stress-related diseases than women because of these suppressed feelings that have no other outlet. Many Anglo-Saxon men beat the system of venting their grief by having heart attacks, one of the most prevalent results of losing a child, says Simon Stephens. (Stephens is the chaplain who founded The Compassionate

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