Home Gym Strong - The Ultimate Edition

Home Gym Strong

The Ultimate Edition

Chad V. Holtkamp

Contents

Work Out Pig Out

Sink or Swing

Choose Your Own Adventure

40 Days + 10,000 Swings

Get Strong Get Lean

Did You Like Home Gym Strong: The Complete Collection?

Also by Chad V. Holtkamp

About the Author

Work Out Pig Out is the first book in the Home Gym Strong series. While I’m busy cranking out my next books, you can get find out right away when they’re all set for release.

Visit chadvholtkamp.com to join my reader’s group and stay in the know.

You can also visit HomeGymStrong.com and follow my workout adventures on a more frequent basis.

Book publishing is all about reviews. If you enjoy this book or get anything out of it in any way and think it might help others as well, I have a teeny, tiny favor to ask of you. Would you please leave a quick review at your favorite online store?

They’re hugely beneficial for others seeking that same guidance, and much appreciated by everyone!

Click here to leave a review

To my wife, Carrie, my best friend and partner on so many amazing adventures in food, wine, and workouts, surf, sun, and sand. We’ve had quite a ride so far, and I can’t wait to see what’s still yet to come.

And to my dad, Raymond Holtkamp, for showing me the value of getting things done, heat or cold, rain or shine.

Introduction

I’m not an athlete.

I’m not a bodybuilder.

I’m not a trainer.

I’m a married, 40-something professional who sits in a cube on the 26th floor of an office in downtown Chicago, commuting an hour each way to work every day.

And I’m obsessed with working out.

And eating ice cream.

The gooier, the nuttier, the chocolatier the better.

I also semi-obsessively track what I eat and all of the workouts on my iPhone and have done so on a daily basis since November 2010.

Why? I suck at math, but I have a thing for numbers and journaling. I have this gift (or is it a curse?) that allows me to remember dates and events in near-photographic detail. I’m sure that logging all my workout info helps me retain that. Plus, if I find a workout or eating program that lets me lose fat or put on muscle, it’s nice to be able to go back and see how I did it.

Reading through the rest of this book you’ll be amazed at all the crazy and, some would say, stupid things I do and eat. You'll probably ask why? In the simplest sense, it’s because I have nothing else to do.

My wife and I met late in life, so kids aren’t really in the cards for us. That translates into having a LOT of free time to work out and eat, and we do that a lot. We also go to the beach several times a year to escape Chicago and indulge our love of swimming, sailing, and snorkeling. And we like to look good doing it. And when you look good, you feel good.

Looking at me, you’d never think I was fat. When I compare myself to the average American, I’m not. But, if you check the actuarial tables or the dreaded BMI scale, I’m overweight by about 20 pounds.

I’m not a huge bodybuilder with massive muscles, and I’ve honestly never wanted to be that way. I’m not a skinny marathoner either. Though I’ve worked out with barbells for squats, bench press, and deadlifts since 2007, I just have average muscles for someone who has been tall and lanky his entire life.

If I lift heavy and eat enough to try to put on extra muscle, most of it goes to my belly, and I end up fat. Then, when I burn off the flab, I’m back to where I started before trying to get big. It’s one vicious cycle.

In college, I stopped any athletic pursuits. The mountain biking craze was big back then and, although I spent my summers working in a bicycle shop, I didn’t care about being outside. I just wanted to write for Spin, the music magazine, and be Robert Smith from The Cure. I spent my time indoors, away from the sun, devouring new CDs, playing my trusty 12-string acoustic, and writing really dark lyrics. Heredity caught up with me, and I went on meds for high blood pressure at 20 years old.

When my mom died from a heart attack in 2008 at age 65, I didn’t want the same thing to happen to me. My ongoing goal is to get off the blood pressure meds and live to be over 100. When we were kids, a friend’s Ouija board said I’d live to be 96, so I’m trying to beat that. And that’s why I’m obsessed with working out and getting lean and getting strong.

It’s like the guy in Lost who kept pushing the damn button over and over just because he was afraid of what would happen if he stopped. Except, I know what happens when I stop.

In 2009, I got in amazing shape while I (and the majority of Americans) looked for a job. Then, on my birthday that year, I interviewed at a firm Alex P. Keaton would have admired. I landed the job and worked almost 60 hours a week for the next nine months. I loved it, but I barely had enough time to eat and sleep and see my girlfriend (now my wife).

Work-out? Um, no. I drank mochas with heavy cream, ate Potbelly sub sandwiches on a daily basis, and gorged on a ton of ice cream at night when I got home. I got fat and bloated and felt like crap.

Worst of all? My clothes barely fit me towards the end. And when you’re 6’4" and wear a suit and tie every day to fit in with the Masters of the Universe, buying clothes sucks. Nothing off the rack is made for my size. Once I do find something that fits or have it custom made, I wear it forever. Yes, vanity is the essential truth of why I do all this.

Later, in 2010, I got engaged, lost that job when they moved it to New York, found my current job, and launched into the diet and exercise adventures that led up to this book.

If you’re anything like me, you scour the Internet for workout tips and tricks, all the while subscribing to a thousand email lists touting the next big secret exercise breakthrough. Some of them are legit, but a lot of them are just the same thing with a different spin.

This book is about how I spent 2014 doing a lot of the crazy things these emails tout as getting you in the best shape of your life. That’s what you want, right? To be able to go to the beach and proudly take off your shirt and have a six-pack bulging in the sun? To get that way while only spending 30 minutes a day and being able to eat whatever you want all the time. Right?

Nice fantasy. The reality will slap you into next week. It takes more work, and dedication than most people are willing to give or hours in a day than they’re willing to devote. It’s not easy, especially if your day job isn’t as an actor being paid millions of dollars to look buff on screen.

Actors have the full-time staff to cook their meals, design their workouts, and provide the underground pills, potions, and powders they conveniently leave out of the magazine articles about how they were able to get in the best shape of their careers.

It’s tough for the average person. And, for every step towards that goal, there are always a few steps back. It’s an endless cycle, and I’ve been doing it for ages, only to end up back at square one at the beginning of every year. It’s February 2015 as I write this, and I just looked back at my notes from February 2011. Sadly, I’m about the same size as I was then, still trying to get back into the amazing shape I was in before my wedding in the fall of that year, and even then I didn’t have a six-pack.

Dan John, a famous strength coach, once wrote that people should aim to lose about a pound a year. That seems laughably easy, right? Re-read the above paragraph and the rest of this book to see just how right he was.

If you want to try any of the things that I did in 2014, be my guest, but my lawyer will probably have me insert some disclaimer here so I’m not held liable for anything stupid a reader might do.

This is my story, a chronicle of all the crazy workout and diet hacks I explored throughout 2014, the highs and the lows, and all the ice cream in between.

Chapter One: January 2014

6’4"

241.8 pounds

43.5" chest

38" waist

Every year I tell myself not to do it.

Every year it happens anyway.

I gained over 20 pounds and nearly 3" on my belly during Christmas week.

That may seem like a lot. For the average person, it is. For me? It was par for the course.

My wife and I stayed with her family in Florida and lived it up. Her mom spoiled us every night. Ribs, prime rib, pizza, queso, eggnog, brandy, wine, and beer. I ate as much as I could, but I still wasn’t able to keep up with the leftovers.

I also had the added bonus of an injury. I’d hurt my left shoulder going for one more rep on the bench press a few days before we left for the holidays. I thought some rest and all the extra food would help heal it, but not a chance. In my mind, only continued rest would help.

We got back to Chicago on a Saturday between Christmas and New Years in 2013. The ground was barren brown ugliness when we landed at O’Hare, in contrast to the lush green palm trees in Florida. I stepped on the scale the next morning, weighed in at those measurements, and vowed to clean up my diet and get back on track. Just like every other year. It’s easier said than done. Just like every other year.

Not having any snow on the ground was a simple blessing, lessening the overall contrast with the paradise we’d just left.

It stayed that way for a few days. Then the flakes started flying around 2:00 P.M. on New Year’s Eve. By late afternoon, a full-blown snowstorm had socked Chicago. We’d planned a fun night out but ended up with a calm night in.

Alone together on New Year’s Eve, we chowed down on chips and queso and champagne and watched Rob Lowe narrate The 80s: The Decade That Made Us, barely staying awake for a kiss at midnight to ring in the New Year.

Week 1 - January: New Year Gluttony

New Year’s Day continued the season of gluttony as we had brunch reservations downtown at Shaw’s Crab House. After a quick hit on the treadmill — almost overdoing it with the desire to burn off as much of the excess in advance — we kept to our plans despite the heavy snow.

We bundled up like Nanook of the North and trekked to the bus and train. Once we got downtown and back above ground, we caught a cab over to the restaurant, all wrapped up in our functional, not fashionable, winter gear.

And what a spread they had. Almost too much to describe. Sushi and oysters in one room, then meat and veggies and lobster and prime rib and tenderloin in another, with still another room just for desserts! It was an orgiastic display of food, and we were diving headfirst into celebrating the New Year, our waistlines be damned.

Despite all the excess calories, I managed to lose about seven pounds by the 3rd and got back into the hour-long, steady-state cardio mode. My shoulder was still in pain, so my plan was to take a few weeks off from weights and just focus on cardio. I didn’t know what else to do. I had to let it heal.

Week 2 - January: Polar Vortex, Gut Fuel, Foam Rolling

I kept to that plan, even as we were kept homebound by not one, but two different snowstorms over the first week of the New Year, dumping a few feet of snow. Then the brutal cold came in full bore that Monday, with -20℉ air temps and much lower wind chills.

Our offices were closed, but we still worked from home, layered up in bulky wool sweaters and stocking caps even inside the house. It wasn’t fun, and the term polar vortex became annoyingly overused. It wasn’t just Chicago though. It was cold everywhere, even in Florida.

Normally I grill in any weather — snow, sleet, or rain — but the subzero temps were tough, and I buckled to the elements. I ended up just baking our slabs of meat rather than firing up the grill. After filling the house with smoke, I realized I should’ve just said screw it and grilled outside anyway.

And the snow kept coming. And coming. And coming. Thankfully, we lived in a townhouse complex and didn’t have to shovel. At least that was saving my shoulder. I didn’t care what I was eating either. I was just trying to stay warm, fueling my gut with chips and queso and ice cream. It wasn’t the best combo for weight loss, but it sure was tasty.

I started foam rolling for my shoulder, putting two tennis balls in a sock and trying to knead the heck out of the knot. Over the course of a few days, it seemed to be working, at least a little bit. I was still in pain, waking in the middle of the night whenever I rolled over on that shoulder. I hadn’t been sleeping well anyway, but that just added to it.

Week 3 - January: Jamaican Quest, Rapid Fat Loss, Kettlebells

Even with my junk food diet, the treadmill/cardio work managed to shed about 14 pounds by the next weekend, down to 227. My belly was still fat at 37.75", so the water weight was disappearing, but the blubber was barely budging. I couldn’t continue like that. I wouldn’t continue like that. And I knew just what to do. Lyle McDonald’s Rapid Fat Loss diet (RFL), a protein-sparing modified fast where you eat nothing but high-protein, low-fat, and low-carb foods.

Every April, my wife and I escape the never-ending Chicago snow for Caribbean beach vacations. It gives us something to look forward to on the long, cold Midwestern winter nights. In March 2012 and January 2013, the RFL diet worked like a charm leading up to trips to Punta Cana and Playa del Carmen, so I was going to do it again. I was going to attack the fat, full force.

On top of that, I’d signed up for a kettlebell class with StrongFirst on the 18th at Burr Ridge Kettlebell Club. The instructor was Joe Sansalone, who I later learned has a killer series of YouTube videos breaking down the kettlebell swing. He also has enough certifications to fill the rest of this page.

As we sat on the cold rubber mats, he had us go around and say what kettlebell experience we had, along with any injuries he might need to know about before having us do any work for the day. After that, Joe proceeded to teach us the basic hinge pattern, then the deadlift, then the basic swing.

I’d already been to a workshop the year before with Dan John at Rebell Strength & Conditioning in Lincoln Park, and I’d been through these techniques in a private kettlebell lesson with Paul Lyngso, the owner of Burr Ridge Kettlebell Club, the prior September.

That had inspired me, and I bought the book and DVD set called Enter the Kettlebell! by Pavel Tsatsouline, the chairman of StrongFirst. He is often credited with bringing kettlebell workouts into the mainstream in the U.S. I’d also picked up a DVD on Mastering the Hardstyle Kettlebell Swing by Mark and Tracy Reifkind. And, on Black Friday, I got a heck of a deal through Amazon on Punch Kettlebells from Art of Strength. I ordered a killer setup of double 12 kg, 16 kg, 24 kg, and 32 kg kettlebells, along with two 4 kg Kettlebell Buddies.

I’d resisted the urge to use them, but I’d been reading the books and watching the DVDs, learning the movement patterns, and practicing the hinge test. I’d also bought Pavel’s new book, Simple & Sinister, before the holidays and read all about his barebones new program of kettlebell swings and Turkish getups. I even did some practice moves on the getup with a shoe during our Florida trip, while my shoulder injury was still at its worst. And after all that?

My hinge still sucked.

I was in dire need of remedial help…

I had to get my form right before even thinking of picking up and swinging a heavy kettlebell.

Joe then taught us the getup and demonstrated, or rather showed off, with a 48 kg bell. That’s roughly 106 pounds in American. We were in awe. I hadn’t done the full sequence of the getup until that point and was wary of putting a 100-pound ball of iron over my face. I wisely settled on starting light with the 12 kg bell. I’m sure it looked pretty silly, me being 6’4" and 225 pounds, waving around a tiny kettlebell. But for someone just learning the lift, it worked great.

I had trouble with the sweep of the knee, but it was still a fun maneuver to learn. After 30 minutes of practice, my shoulder seemed to be loosening up and feeling a lot better. All the books raved about how it does wonders for your shoulders, so I guessed they were on to something.

After lunch, Joe taught us the press. It wasn’t on my list of things to do just yet, but I still wanted to learn the basic mechanics. That’s the great thing about StrongFirst, they really focus on drilling the basics and correcting those until they’re automatic. Joe showed me what I needed to work on, and I got some great feedback. All in all, it was a great workshop. There’s nothing like spending eight hours learning the basic moves.

That night was a friend’s birthday party in Rogers Park. Of course, it was snowing — yet again — so the drive back to the city took over an hour. My wife was already at the party, so I just had to shower and drive over. Our friend really, really likes nuclear-spicy chili, and his latest batch that night was no exception. We paired it with a chili chocolate cake my wife had made, and it went well together.

I ate with abandon and stuffed myself silly on chili, chips, and cheese, cake, and cookies; all washed down with red wine and beer. I knew the next month was going to be nothing but baked chicken breasts and low-fat cottage cheese. I was going back on the RFL diet. Lyle’s book has the complete details on how to set it up, but I’ll include the highlights here. I’d recommend buying the book outright to get the full scoop.

RFL is so not fun. It’s actually brutal. Brutal, but effective. I can usually strip off fat pretty quickly. I lost 16 pounds and 3" of flab in the four weeks I was on it in January 2013. It works, but it’s so not fun. I’m repeating myself, but yeah, it’s so not fun. But it works. And that’s all that matters.

At the end of that diet, I tell myself that I never want to go through it again. And I remember that for about nine or ten months before I start packing on the pounds for the holidays, ending up right back where I need to go on it again.

Week 4 - January: Coffee, Kettlebells, Carbs

By Monday morning, I’d recovered enough from the birthday party pig-out to try my newly learned kettlebell skills, working on light swings and half-getups. After a few weeks of inactivity, I needed to use my arm, or it was never going to get better. The getups had seemed to help over the weekend, so I figured I might as well. I added in some foam rolling and simple hanging from the pull-up bar, to see what would happen.

The first week of RFL doesn’t work well with lots of activity. Your body is getting used to the extreme lack of food, which in my case is at the high end of the diet’s calorie target. I was only taking in between 1000-1200 calories per day, tops. You need to let the diet take care of the fat loss rather than killing it with a lot of activity.

I went with the swings, getups, and hangs in the morning since the weights were still light and didn’t seem to count as much activity. Midweek, I’d planned to have a free meal, a diversion from the diet and a chance to eat whatever I wanted for dinner, within reason. Then I’d treat myself to a bigger five-hour carb refeed on Saturday night.

The rest of the time was chicken breast alternated with an eye of round steak. And broccoli with soy sauce. And coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. I was getting loads of caffeine. A nightcap of low-fat cottage cheese before bed would tide me over to the next day.

The initial results? I lost nearly an inch in the first week, though my weight stayed about the same.

It was working as per usual.

RFL is mind numbing in its blandness, at least the version I choose to follow, and I looked forward to the free meals and the refeeds. After a 5 x 5 deadlift workout, along with some 24 kg kettlebell swings, there’s nothing like pounding a bunch of carbs. That first Saturday, I sat down to several heaping platefuls of spaghetti and garlic bread and felt better than I had all week.

Week 5 - January: Deadlifts, Cardio, Big Fat Subs

Sunday morning was back on the diet. I treated myself to coffee and an hour of treadmill cardio, then baked up six pounds of chicken breasts for the week, snacked on a stick of low-fat mozzarella, and went to bed that night with low-fat cottage cheese in my belly.

It was rinse and repeat daily, except for the free meal on Wednesday night. On that day, I’d do an hour of walking on the treadmill in the morning, a heavy workout of deadlifts and bench press later that night, followed by another 45 minutes of treadmill walking. I’d then make myself two big fat sub sandwiches with roast beef and turkey breast, cheese and banana peppers, and mustard. And a Ding Dong for dessert — but just one. I had to have some treat for being good with the diet.

Measurements: I ended January down nearly 20 pounds and about 2" off my waist.

Aha moments: After a slow start to my weight loss efforts, I went with the nuclear option of RFL and got back on track with the diet.

Recommendations: Unless you’re in a hurry, avoid crash diets. They suck, but they work. So decide what’s more important to you.

Wanna indulge in the Chili Chocolate Cake? Get your FREE copy of Work Out, Pig Out Bonus Recipes.

Chapter Two: February 2014

Week 1 - February: Super Bowl, Chocolate Bread, Eating to Avoid Overeating

February is the hardest month for me. I usually end the torture that is the RFL diet early in the month. Then I move into a maintenance diet for the next few weeks.

I finished two weeks on RFL on a very snowy Saturday, February 1. My wife worked in advertising for a food marketing agency and was at a video shoot all day, so I had the house to myself. She’d gotten up at the ungodly hour of 4:00 A.M. rather than our usual 5:15 weekday wake-up time. I only managed another couple of hours, waking up at 6:00. I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I got up and did an hour of cardio on the treadmill. I had nothing better to do.

It wasn’t the most eventful way to end the diet, but I’d made a deal with myself; if I could endure two weeks of it, I’d give myself a two-week break. Then I’d decide whether or not to do another two weeks. I’d struggled through four weeks straight in 2012 and 2013, but I was miserable and cranky. This time, I told myself, I’d be smarter about it and go with two weeks on, two weeks off.

That afternoon, I wrapped things up with a tough workout of 24kg swings, deadlifts, and bench press. I then added yet another 30-minute round on the treadmill for good measure. Why not?

Then I plopped down in front of the TV to watch Saturday Night Live: The Best of Jimmy Fallon with a bag of bagels and some low-fat cherry kefir. It wasn’t my favorite refeed, not by a long shot. That would be a whole box of Cocoa Krispies, a bag of bagels, a half-gallon of milk, and some orange cream sherbet to top it off. I kept things in check, though, as I knew I was going to go off the rails the next day: SUPER BOWL SUNDAY!

The morning of the Super Bowl dawned cold in Chicago. My hands were dry and cracking from the lack of fat on the RFL diet, and I’d run out of Curel hand lotion. And we were all sad that Philip Seymour Hoffman had stupidly offed himself, especially right in the middle of filming The Hunger Games!

Knowing that I was going to eat very well, but yet, not very well, at the party that afternoon, I chowed down on two-and-a-half pounds — yes, that’s 40 ounces — of top sirloin around 12:30 P.M. Just to get a good base, you know?

That seemed to do the trick, as I was able to fend off my usual overeating at my former roommate’s annual Super Bowl blowout. Except for my wife’s white chocolate bread. It was straight outta Club Med Turkoise. We were there in July 2013, and I gained almost 30 pounds in one week eating the damn stuff for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

That was my biggest indulgence after the Seahawks whipped the Broncos that night. I didn’t have much to drink either, as I had to drive home. I only had a few bottles of Guinness, the heart healthy beer of the Irish and fake Irish everywhere.

Even though I took it relatively easy, I decided to spend the rest of the week on my brand of Lyle’s diet that I like to call Faux RFL. I may as well just call it RFL with Heavy Cream as that’s about the only modification I make to it. It’s simply the usual boring RFL diet — heavy on chicken breast and no carbs and no fat — with a tablespoon of cream in my coffee. Whoo hoo! Livin’ large!

This was basically a holding pattern to give me time to figure out what to do next with my diet and fitness routine. The options are endless. As my wife will tell you, give me too many options and I just shut down. So I proceeded to go online and read about all the routines I could do. I’d give anything a try, but the risk was I’d paralyze myself into doing nothing.

So, while I wasted time reading about weirder and weirder diets, I came across a page about the acid and alkaline balance in your body. With all the protein I’d been eating, I was sure my balance was out of whack. With this newfound knowledge, I added a routine of fresh-squeezed lemon juice mixed with water along with two tablespoons of Bragg’s Organic Apple Cider Vinegar. I did this right after my morning cardio session.

Also new that week was the addition of kettlebell swings during my treadmill walks. Every three minutes I’d hop off the treadmill and throw in a set of 10 swings with either a 24 kg or a 32 kg bell and then jump back on to walk for another three minutes. It was sort of a modified high-intensity workout with really long active rest periods. I was only walking, so my heart rate easily dropped to around 120 in the three minutes before the next set of swings.

On Wednesday, I kicked it up another notch and threw in a session of Lyle McDonald’s Stubborn Fat Protocol 2.0, a multi-phase high-intensity workout followed by slow cardio, still more high-intensity work, and a slow cardio finisher. Not wanting to run on my treadmill, I threw in kettlebells as the high-intensity work.

I started sensibly enough with a 16 kg bell on the first five rounds of swings, walked on the treadmill for 40 minutes, and then upped the ante at the end of the workout with a final ten rounds of swings with the 24 kg bell. Since I was itching to try the Simple and Sinister workout as well as practice my swing technique, I also threw in extra sets of ten swings with the 32 kg bell throughout the day. I was working from home, so it was easy to do. Still not content, I finished off the day with a heavy round of deadlifts, bench presses, and chins along with still more kettlebell work.

Then I ate...

2 sub sandwiches with:

8 ounces deli roast beef

8 ounces deli turkey breast

4 slices provolone

Banana peppers

Mustard

Followed by:

Ding Dongs

12 ounces whole milk

At the time, I thought that was a lot of food, but compared to what I’d just eaten on Super Bowl Sunday, that felt more like an appetizer. Especially after all the workouts, I did that day.

Needless to say, I was starving when I got to the office on Thursday morning. I ended up going down to the cafe in my building for a western omelet with provolone. That would have to tide me over until I could eat more chicken that afternoon. Mmmm...chicken.

Then on Friday, I upped the ante even more with yet ANOTHER round of Lyle’s SFP 2.0. Lyle only recommends doing this workout once per week, maybe twice, tops. That’s if you have excellent recovery. I was about to find out if mine was good or bad. This time I went hog wild. I used 24 kg for the first five rounds of high-intensity intervals and went totally nuts with 32 kg for the last 10 rounds.

I was a little light-headed and felt very weird after I finished. I remember thinking, Great, my wife’s going to come home from work tonight and find me lying on the floor of the kitchen all because I was trying to be a manly man with heavy kettlebells.

Luckily, I recovered fairly quickly and cleaned up and got to work, trying not to do anything stupid the rest of the day. I really wanted to make it to the next morning as the-one-and-only Dan John was going to be in town for another seminar! I couldn’t miss that.

I got up super early the next day to make the 45-minute drive to Burr Ridge by 7:00 A.M. I’d booked a private session with the owner, Paul Lyngso, to assess my swing and getup routine before Dan’s seminar started at 8:00 A.M. My swing was looking good, and Paul just tweaked a few things on my getup – keeping my elbow in line with the extended arm to provide a more solid base when things got heavy — and so I got in a light sweat before anyone arrived for the workshop.

Dan showed up, so we cut the session short as Paul went to make sure he was all set. It’s always weird to see Dan John in person, or any famous person. You get used to seeing them online and then suddenly they are life-size right in front of you. Dan’s a cool guy and gave out some Never Let Go beer koozies, and a bunch of us got some face time with the legend before we kicked things off.

I always like to sit front row at workshops to try to make an impression. This time it worked to my advantage. It was a jam-packed session, and I took a ton of notes about keeping the goal the goal, how everything works for about six weeks before you get tired or bored and want something new, and striving for mastery and grace. I also got another cool picture with Dan at the end.

It was snowing yet again as I made my way back to the city after the workshop. My wife was making homemade pizza, so we pigged out on carbs and wine and holed up inside for the rest of the snowy weekend.

Week 2 - February: Valentine’s Day, Bulletproof Coffee, Cinnamon Rolls

The next week was a hodgepodge of workouts. After reading more junk on the Internet, not only did I keep to my treadmill work with kettlebell swings mixed in, I tried to increase the swings to 250-300 per day. And after reading a bit of Marty Gallagher’s book, The Purposeful Primitive, I added in heavy hands movements while I was on the treadmill portion: waving my hands, trying to land punches, all the while trying not to fall off the treadmill.

Oh, and I decided to give bulletproof coffee another go. It’s all the rage now, but I’d first heard about it a few years back and made the mistake of using whatever butter we had in the fridge. I did it right this time around and used unsalted Kerrygold butter. So much better. And just for kicks, I added a teaspoon of cinnamon too! And, a tablespoon of coconut oil! Can you spell F-A-T?

The funny thing is that unsalted butter is basically just heavy cream that’s been churned, but I guess adding that to your coffee isn’t as marketable as butter.

Word of warning: be careful taking too much bulletproof coffee as it’ll go through you like a bullet. Stay close to a bathroom the first few times you do it. They don’t call it bulletproof for nothing. I did say February was the kitchen sink month and every crazy idea I read on the Internet was added to my diet and exercise plan.

I contracted out DJing weddings for a company called DJ-Chicago. We had a pizza party scheduled in the middle of the week so, for my weight workout that afternoon, I did a few quick deadlifts and some swings and called it a day.

By Thursday, even after the pizza party, I was so hungry from all the extra work and the Faux RFL that I was doing shots of heavy cream at my desk at work. Mmmm...cream. I was trying to be good, though, since my wife and I were going to Wildfire for Valentine’s Day dinner that night and I didn’t want to kill my appetite.

The restaurant was cool, but the meal was so-so. I made the mistake of asking the waiter for his thoughts between two dishes. In the future, I recommend going with whatever the waiter doesn’t like. When I go with his suggestion, I’m always disappointed and pissed off that I didn’t go with my own choice.

We made it home in a cab and settled in for a long weekend. I had some time off from work, so we made it a fun, four-day weekend. On Friday, I tried a new version of Aeropress coffee — the Blue Bottle inverted method. It seemed to make smoother coffee, and I didn’t have to load it up with butter and cream just to make it taste better.

My wife loves to bake, and I love to eat, but if she had to wait until I was off my various diets, she’d never get the chance. That afternoon, she had the idea to make homemade cinnamon rolls. It’s February, it’s Friday, and we were in cold, dreary Chicago. Who was I to argue?

They were the sickest, stickiest, and most decadently sinful things I’d ever tasted. Cinnamon just dripped from the bread. Butter was slathered on so thick it was oozing off the top. So much for dieting and being heart healthy. It was Valentine’s Day though.

Somehow the pan of stickiness managed to last into the next day. Once it was gone, we decided we should continue the gluttony, and she whipped up a batch of white chocolate bread on Sunday. Neither of us had to work on Monday so why not?

I tried to keep up the chicken breast diet, but at that point, it was a lost cause. When you’re eating loaf upon loaf of white chocolate bread, it doesn’t really matter what else you eat.

Week 3 - February: Simple & Sinister, Perfect Health, 40-Day Planning

The following week I attempted the Simple & Sinister workout in the mornings with some weight workouts in the evenings. Deadlifts, bench, and chins. Oh my! I also decided to try a bit of Paul Jaminet’s Perfect Health Diet and throw in some rice with my chicken and eye of round. Sure, why not!

I made my weekly measurements on Friday and realized I hadn’t lost any weight since ending my RFL diet back on February 1. Compared to the year before I was stuck. I had no idea what to do next.

Before heading to Landmark Cinemas in Lakeview to hear Scarlett Johansson in Her, I went on Dan John’s forum for advice. The countdown was on to our beach trip to Jamaica in April, and with all the crazy ideas running through my head about my goal of quickly getting buff, I typed in my question.

I want to get in shape for a beach trip in April. Should I do Simple and Sinister, or try for Dan John’s 40-Day Workout? Maybe I should do both? Better yet, how about doing both and do them on a calorie deficit of bodyweight x 12 with morning cardio thrown in?

I got a few replies, and then the Master wrote back with his answer. He basically told me not to be an idiot and choose one. Or go ahead and be an idiot and try all three. If I did that, I better have a big can of Alpo waiting for me when I failed.

Decisions, decisions.

I don’t really like Alpo. So I heeded Dan’s advice about not being an idiot. It would take me a few weeks, though, as I would have to plan a strategy to get me through March and April. I decided to go with just the 40-Day Workout but wouldn’t start until early March. I needed time to pick out the five exercises I was going to do five days per week for eight weeks.

Week 4 - February: RFL, Insulin Resistance, the Maffetone Method

I spent the last week of February back on the brutal RFL diet. I’d had some fun eating whatever I wanted over the last few weeks but needed to get back on track for the beach trip and shed a few more pounds before committing to Dan’s workout, and RFL was the one thing I knew worked without fail. Or needing a can of Alpo if I failed. Chicken breast and cottage cheese, chicken breast and cottage cheese, chicken breast and cottage cheese.

I was on the bus later that week, heading to the dentist for an appointment before work. Since it’s an hour-long trip, even if I leave at 6:00 A.M., I pulled out my iPhone and started reading workout blogs. Something from Dan John’s site led me to Phil Maffetone, and I started reading his take on insulin resistance. I figured that might be why I struggled to lose weight, and I decided to try out his method too!

Since Phil’s idea is tied to heart rate during cardio, I pulled out my old Polar heart rate monitor. After using Apple stuff for years, the user interface/user experience on the Polar is like stepping back into the dark ages of DOS. It worked, but it sure wasn’t pretty or user-friendly. So on the last day of February, I slowed things down and put Phil’s method to work. Rather than the standard heart rate calculation of 220 minus your age, Phil’s starts at 180 minus your age and adds in a few other deductions based on physical health. My target heart rate range ended up being around 115-125 beats per minute.

Measurements: I ended February just under four pounds down and about 3/4" off my waist.

Aha moments: After doing so well in January, I’d spent February bouncing from one workout to the next. Chasing shiny objects wasn’t a great way to get anywhere towards my goal of being lean again for the beach.

Recommendations: Focus on one goal at a time and resist the urge to throw in a bunch of side distractions.

Wanna bake Club Med’s White Chocolate Bread or those decadent Cinnamon Rolls? Get your FREE copy of Work Out, Pig Out Bonus Recipes.

Chapter Three: March 2014

Week 1 - March: DJ, More RFL, More Maffetone Method, Sort of Max

March came in like the proverbial lion with yet another snowstorm to kick off the month. I had a DJ gig on the first for a birthday party at the Chicago Botanical Gardens. I managed to stick with the RFL diet through the day and survived on coffee and a few bagels for my refeed.

The party went well as I tried out a few Echo AudioFire soundcards I’d picked up from eBay. The trip home was a bit dangerous, though, due to the heavy snow. Granted, at 1:00 A.M., there weren’t many cars on the road, but the ones that were, came in the form of big semi-trucks.

I drove slowly in the right lane of I-94 and hoped and prayed that the semis wouldn’t be cruising so fast as to come up on me suddenly. There were some other idiots out at that time of night too, and they were scarier than the big rigs. After an hour, I was home and just glad to have made it in one piece. There’s a reason I don’t typically DJ in the winter, and snow is it. It’s not fun loading in, or getting to and from the venues.

After that, I settled in for another week of RFL. I also eased into slow treadmill walking via the Maffetone Method, and it seemed to work pretty well. The slow pace was mostly what I’d done years ago before getting into high-intensity interval training and the kill yourself or go home mindset. Now I know better that slow and steady wins the race.

As for my weight workouts, I was creeping up the poundage on deadlifts and aiming to try for a sort of max the following weekend. I’d finally decided to do away with all the competing options and focus on one program to take me through to our Jamaica trip at the end of April. That would be Dan John’s 40-Day Workout. Since the program is designed around certain percentages of your max weights, I had to get a handle on what my near max should be.

Wednesday of the first week was another free meal after a heavy weight workout. This time, though, all the salt in the deli roast beef and turkey did a number on me. I woke up in the middle of the night dying of thirst. Not fun.

During my weigh-in on Saturday morning, I saw that I’d finally made some progress on losing inches. I was down about 1/2" from the week before. That afternoon’s workout was to be hard and heavy, but I had a treat waiting on the other side to make up for all the effort. We were having friends over for homemade pizza and wine and lots of desserts, along with ’80s videos, courtesy of my Promo Only DJ subscription.

Five sets of doubles with 350 pounds on the deadlift were standing in my way, and they had to be conquered. I took my time and made it through, clawing and grunting for the last reps.

My plan was to follow that up with eight sets of triples at 205 pounds on the bench press. Sure, that was the plan, but my body said, Hell, no! I settled for a foursome of triples followed by a double. Not quite ocho, but I was too tired after the heavy deadlifts. My back was also a bit sore, and I didn’t want to irritate my shoulder injury either. It wasn’t as bad as it had been, and I was hoping the 40-day program would help heal it up.

That night was pure gluttony, almost to the point of being sick from too much food and wine. The chipotle chocolate cake and vanilla ice cream I snacked on before bed probably didn’t help matters. But, man did it taste good! There’s nothing like the Mayan/Aztec kick of peppers in chocolate to take the cake to another level. I’m sure some people might find it gross, but wow, it definitely tingles the taste buds.

Week 2 - March: Feed & Fast, 40-Day Workouts, Harris Pizza

And as Mayan gods would have it, the next day my wife got a call way too early on a Sunday morning inviting her to a dinner party at Chef Rick Bayless’ house that night! For some reason, she debated a few minutes on whether to go. I told her to stop being stupid. Who gets invited to a dinner party at a master chef’s house???

I was left out in the cold, but I had a ton of pizza and chipotle chocolate cake to tide me over. I also had to figure out my weights for the next two weeks on the 40-day workout, which involved math and a spreadsheet. The former is not my strong suit, as seen by a 12 out of 36 in math on the ACT (25 overall). I trucked through the calculations for the first two weeks of the six-week program of:

Squats - bench - deadlifts - pull-ups/chin-ups - loaded carries - ab wheel

I’d do the same workout five days per week for six weeks and just wave the load each workout. And no, six weeks of five days a week doesn’t equal 40 days, but I only had six weeks leading up to the trip so it would technically only be a 30-day program.

I started the workouts the next day while still on RFL, hoping the weekend’s food orgy would hold me over for a few days. I’d also been reading more online and came across John Romaniello’s Feast and Fast idea — adding thereby yet another layer to my kitchen sink from February. Being no stranger to intermittent fasting, and having already nearly doubled or even tripled my usual calorie intake over the weekend, I took it up as a personal challenge. I fasted all the way from Sunday night until Tuesday at 1:00 P.M.

The first workout on Monday night wasn’t bad — even while fasting — though I hadn’t back squatted in months. It was different as the weights almost felt too light, which is the whole idea behind the program. You get in more work at lighter weights so you can progressively get heavier over the next six weeks. I didn’t mind the break since I’d been killing myself with heavy deadlifts and bench presses for the last month or so.

In hindsight, doing it while on a massive caloric deficit, with around 2300 total calories each day, probably wasn’t the smartest idea. But it worked. In a weird quirk, when I measured in for the week it showed I’d gained three pounds and lost a 1/4" off most of my measurements. Not bad!

I got a little ahead of myself lugging the 32 kg bells and ended up the week with a little sniffle. I stopped doing the loaded carries up and down the stairs in our townhouse since I didn’t want to get myself really sick and derail my whole plan.

The next weekend was leading up to St. Patrick’s Day. My family came from Germany in 1836, so I wasn’t one of the fake Irish wannabes, and the holiday didn’t really matter to me. I decided to take some time off and head home to Davenport, Iowa, to see my dad, as it would have been my mom’s 71st birthday.

After grilling up some burgers for the week for my wife, I grabbed a couple of pounds of lunch meat from the deli down the street, picked up some Dunkin Donuts coffee, and hit the road.

I stopped at Toyota of Naperville for an oil change and a chance to test-drive a salsa red 2008 Toyota Land Cruiser: my dream truck. It was everything a $75,000 car ($45,000 used) should be and then some. It was even parked next to a Porsche 911, my dream car as a 16-year-old. Being 42, I now have the wisdom of questioning how I’d fit my 6’4 self into that little car and much prefer the Land Cruiser. Though Jesse The Body" Ventura drove a 911, so if he could make it work then I surely could.

That night I got home to see my dad and hang out and gorge on Harris Pizza like the old days. Harris makes Quad-City style pizza with a malt-based dough that’s hand tossed, a thin spicy sauce, sausage heavy on the fennel, all buried under a massive layer of Wisconsin mozzarella.

I pigged out with my sister’s kids, nearly eating a large supreme before I physically had to restrain myself from grabbing another