Down Goes Trump

2016

One

Trump Interviews Romney

Mitt Romney, handsome and trim, marches into Trump Tower and rides high the elevator to the office of President-elect Donald Trump. After security guards strip search the former governor of Massachusetts, a secretary tells him, Please have a seat. The president will be with you directly.

Romney sits in a soft chair and on an adjacent table beholds dozens of NRA publications. He chooses one, digging in, and reads most of the issue in about an hour before asking, Pardon me, do you know approximately when the president-elect will be interviewing me?

Soon as he can. He’s quite busy.

Romney selects a second magazine, glistening with guns on the cover, and reads another hour or so before the secretary says, President Trump will see you now.

Feeling a little tense Romney rises and practices a few tight smiles as he walks down the hall, and upon seeing The Donald he grins big and says, Mr. President-elect, this is a great honor.

I expect so, says Trump.

They move into Trump’s office offering a spectacular view of Manhattan, and the host says, I feel like I can see and understand the whole world from here.

I’ve traveled quite widely, too, sir, and have many important foreign contacts.

That’s why I’ve asked you to interview for secretary of state. Please sit down.

Romney gently descends into a plush chair.

I’d be honored to serve our country in that capacity, and I’d do a doggone good job.

You’ve got the intellect and experience, Mitt, no doubt about that. I do have some concerns, however.

Please speak frankly, sir.

I gotta ask about your disgraceful speech calling me a phony and a fraud.

Aren’t we all ashamed of some things we say during the heat of campaigns?

You weren’t even in the campaign.

I was kind of hoping to be. But before long, sir, I concluded you were the best and most dynamic candidate, a new breed of candidate unsullied by governmental experience or knowledge of the issues. Furthermore, I now realize I squandered time studying law and business at Harvard and would’ve been far better served learning from you.

You also said I was playing Americans for suckers so I’d get a free ride to the White House.

What an intemperate and utterly indefensible statement that was. In fact, the presidential campaign was long and thorough, and in Darwinian fashion you removed sixteen weak Republican opponents, and I too would’ve been trampled by the Trumpian juggernaut had I been so foolish as to challenge your candidacy.

You’re right about that. Now, what about saying dishonesty is Donald Trump’s hallmark?

I didn’t mean it literally. Indeed, I was dishonest in making that statement.

You also criticized me for bullying and greed and showing off and misogyny and absurd third-grade theatrics.

Wasn’t that juvenile of me? says Romney. Here in private, sir, I admit that my spleen exploded as I realized that you, rather than I, would become commander in chief of the greatest nation in history.

Really, Mitt, your cheap shots surprised me since in 2012 you would’ve dropped to your knees to get my endorsement. You should’ve won that race and saved us four more years of Barack Obama. But you disappeared.

I’m profoundly ashamed and ask you to forgive me.

I may do that. Believe it or not, you’re still in the running for secretary of state. I’d prefer General David Petraeus, a real stud, but need someone who can be easily confirmed.

I can. You know that and so do millions of Americans.

I’ll let you know, Trump says, rising.

Romney also stands, and in storms Kellyanne Conway, the slender blond vixen who guided Trump during his raucous campaign. She says, How dare you come into this sacred office after the way you betrayed President Trump. You’re a vile and disgusting man and a traitor.

The president-elect and I have been discussing these very concerns.

We don’t even know who you voted for, she says.

I could lie but I shan’t. I wrote in my name, but realize I should’ve voted for Donald J. Trump.

Bonding with Putin

After aides set up the call, Donald Trump grabs his phone and says, Thank you so much, Vladimir.

My pleasure, Donald.

Don’t worry. When I take over, the United States will improve relations with Russia.

I hope so. The American media persists in portraying me as a bullying dictator determined to resurrect the Soviet Union.

Much as I admire you, I can’t permit any land grabs by Russia, other than the Crimea, or more bad behavior in Ukraine and Chechnya.

Putin laughs.

Really, what would you do if I want to expand into Baltic States, for example? They were ours and still should be.

The United States and Western Europe would impose major sanctions. Your people would suffer while the Russian media rips you.

Most of my journalists know not to push too hard. You should consider getting tougher on your critics.

I have to be satisfied blasting them on Twitter.

Once you’re in office, you need to come to Russia and establish yourself as a president who understands global dynamics and has the respect of, I must say, the greatest leader in the world today.

I’ll visit within my first couple of months.

I look forward to meeting Melania, your beautiful Soviet-bloc wife.

And I’d like to meet whoever you’re seeing. You’ve had some hot ones.

I don’t tolerate invasions of my private life.

Relax, Vladimir, we’re just a couple of guys talking.

But when you talk, even in private, it makes the news.

Laboring for Andrew Puzder

Most of you still don’t know me but soon will since President-elect Trump asked me to be his Secretary of Labor. He knows I’ll put America back to work. I’m an expert worker and CEO of the restaurant holding corporation that includes Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. I understand business and money and jobs. Listen to me, not my critics who complain I oppose raising the minimum wage beyond a too-generous nine dollars an hour and pay my employees so little they’ve got to live in public housing and dine on food stamps while getting health care through Medicaid. I guarantee paying workers too much destroys businesses and jobs. That’s the only reason I want to suppress the minimum wage, to help the little workers of America. I don’t want to replace people with robots, but I will if the former become too expensive.

Workers must realize I was called in to save Hardee’s from a financial grave. I transformed the company into a profitable venture and didn’t do so by paying outrageous overtime wages. It’s too easy to get overtime which costs me money and will destroy your jobs. Remember, what workers lose in extra overtime pay they more than make up for in pride. Let me show you. I pull into Carl’s Jr., park, and walk inside to introduce myself and show everyone how to produce.

Howdy, I’m Andrew Puzder.

Mabel, call the cops, says an energetic young lady.

Relax. I’m the CEO of this corporation.

What’s a CEO?

It’s the person who guides the corporate ship.

I walk behind the counter and say, Give me an apron, please.

A nice young man hands me one and I put it on over my suit.

Where are the fries? I ask, and go to work cooking them. I’ve always wanted to do this. Makes me feel useful. I’m sure you’re the same way. A man’s got to produce to feel like a man, same for you ladies. Oh, Lord.

The damn grease must’ve boiled too long before it splattered my face, hands, and arms. I stagger around the kitchen and fall onto a grill full of burgers and fry hell out of my elbow and scream, Call nine-one-one.

One of the dimwits rubs grease on my wounds and another guides me to a chair where I hold my greasy face in throbbing hands,

Mr. Puzder, this is Mabel. I want you to know I just googled your name, and I’m shocked.

Why?

This article says more than half of the Department of Labor investigations of Carl’s Jr. have uncovered violations.

Don’t believe that hooey. It’s just a bunch of bureaucrats who’ve got nothing to do except cause trouble for working people like us. Besides, most of these joints are independently owned franchises. When I’m in charge, everything will be ideal.

Mr. Puzder.

What, Mabel?

They say…

Who the hell’re they?

People writing these articles…

Liberal nonsense.

It says you like advertising photos of nearly naked women eating Carl’s Jr. hamburgers.

Damn right I do. Americans love women in bikinis, especially with hamburgers. Where’s that damn ambulance?

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

Rex Tillerson rides a fast elevator to the world’s most vital place, the Trump Tower office of Donald J. Trump.

Welcome, Rex.

I’m honored to be here, Mr. President.

Ever see anything this majestic?

Sure, I’ve been to the Krelim many times, but this place is awful nice, too.

That’s why you’re here. We need a secretary of state with the diplomatic chops to carry out my dynamic foreign policy, and I just didn’t feel General David Petraeus or Mitt Romney had the necessary experience or insight. My infallible gut tells me only the CEO of ExxonMobil can forge the deals we need to become prosperous and secure.

You mean I’ve already got the job?

Not yet, but you do have this interview as a result of strong recommendations from distinguished secretaries James Baker and Condoleezza Rice as well as Robert Gates, who did such a good job as secretary of defense for both Bush and Obama.

You want some oil rights, President Trump, just let me know. I’ve made deals for billions in more than fifty countries, Russia being my favorite and the most important.

Trump asks, What’s your take on Putin? I doubt he’s killed many more dissidents and journalists than lots of leaders we do business with.

Hell no. And I imagine those who got it deserved it. I like the guy. In 2013 he made sure I got the Order of Friends award in recognition of my efforts to improve the lives of Russians. I did that by profitably drilling for oil we knew about and finding oil no one had discovered. We could’ve gotten a lot more but President Obama and his clan established sanctions to punish Russia for simply taking care of neighborhood business and reclaiming the Crimea. That cost us billions and hurt our people as well as the Russians. Sanctions usually don’t work. I encourage you to use them infrequently, especially against oil-rich nations.

What would you say to Congress during your confirmation hearing? They may play rough.

I’ll tell them that wherever there’s a problem, I’ll rush right in, even faster than I did for ExxonMobil, and drill holes that’ll fill everyone’s pockets with oil.

What if there’s no oil?

We’ll find something else.

Your diplomatic IQ’s off the charts, Rex. You got the job.

Introducing Michael Flynn

I love public speaking, especially the first night of the Republican convention last summer. I was at the podium and shouting lock her up and clapping with the audience, leading the chants. That’s right, I said, if I’d done a tenth what Hillary Clinton did I’d be in jail now. I knew millions at home wondered who I was, and sensed they’d soon learn I’m a retired general who Donald Trump just rejected as a running mate but promised another assignment after his certain victory in November.

What will the president-elect ask me to do? I can do anything. I served thirty-three years in the United States Army, studying hard in many colleges and training programs and earning promotions in peace and war. By 2009 I served as director of intelligence for the United States Central Command in Afghanistan. Everyone, except a few louts, considered me a highly capable intelligence officer, and I felt so confident that without permission I shared with Pakistan our U.S. intelligence capabilities regarding the hostile Haqqani network. Some hidebound officers complained that the Pakistanis’ Inter-Service Intelligence was little more trustworthy than Al Qaeda. I alone knew the right Pakistanis.

My critics and their investigations didn’t prevent my promotion to director of intelligence for the International Security Assistance Force. In 2010, during war, I shared vital information about the activities of various agencies including the CIA with our comrades the British and Australians. I’m proud of that. Some jealous little men initiated investigations that delayed by a year my inevitable promotion to director of the Defense Intelligence Agency. Trust me, as Donald Trump does; I did a hell of a job.

Tragically, I was soon dealing with another member of the enemy camp, President Barack Obama, a liar who embraced a corrupt U.S. system and feared my powerful statements about the dangers of radical Islam. By 2014 he and his clique forced me out of my job and out of the army altogether. Another enemy, Colin Powell, sent emails saying he’d heard I was canned from the DIA because I abused staff members and didn’t listen and ignored policy and managed poorly and frequently spread untruths that became known as Flynn Facts.

Beware, President Obama didn’t want to know the truth about the growth of the Islamic State in Syria, and that our NATO ally Turkey was looking the other way. I was happy to get away from all those losers and start an intelligence consulting firm. Last year I was invited to Russia to give a speech and sit with President Vladimir Putin at a party for the RT television network some claim he controls. So what? I was improving our relations with the largest nation on earth.

President-elect Donald Trump is positive I’ve made far fewer errors handling classified information than Hillary Clinton, and he knows I’ll be a shrewd national security advisor. Ignore those outranked officers who scoff they’re going to Las Vegas to wager a year’s salary I won’t last two years in the White House. .

General Mattis Meets Trump

James Mattis, three years retired after more than four decades as a marine, shakes hands with Donald Trump.

I’m very pleased to meet you, General.

A marine’s always honored to meet his commander.

I’ve heard you own seven thousand books. Is that true?

Yes, the longer I study war and history, the more I damage the enemy while limiting our losses, Mattis says.

I don’t read much, General, but I watch a lot of TV, especially Fox News.

That’s wonderful, sir.

Instead of studying to prepare for this interview, I had one of my aides copy your best quotes from the internet and paste them on this paper. Can we please talk about some of the things you said?

Of course.

You said blowing ‘someone away is not an insignificant event’ but ‘there are some assholes in the world that just need to be shot.’ I agree.

Mattis smiles.

Ultimately, that’s the role of our military. To kill as many assholes as possible.

I assume a man of your wide reading also believes in diplomacy, says Trump.

I’ve always required my marines to read about the people they’ll be encountering. I want them to understand the foreigners’ culture and to smile and communicate with them. ‘Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.’

I love your quote, ‘I’m going to plead with you, do not cross us. Because if you do, the survivors will write about what we do here for ten thousand years.’ You mean that literally, don’t you?

Absolutely. ‘There’s no better friend, no worse enemy than a U.S. Marine.’

I didn’t serve in the military, but I know I’d have been a helluva warrior.

You had some draft deferments, didn’t you, President-elect Trump?

Yeah, but only four. Now’s my time to really kick ass.

You missed the party. ‘Actually it’s quite fun to fight… It’s a hell of a hoot. It’s fun to shoot some people… I like brawling… There’s nothing better than getting shot at and missed.’

Trump says, I enjoy brawling, too.

Have you brawled much, Mr. President?

Not with guns or even fists, but with words, lots of words and insults like during the campaign. I outslugged all my opponents. Same in business. I’m congenial but when necessary I’ve always kicked ass.

That’s why you’re an extraordinary success.

General Mattis, I’d be proud if you served as my secretary of defense.

It’s an honor to accept your assignment.

I know you’ll be successful.

That’s guaranteed. Many times I’ve said, ‘I don’t lose any sleep at night over the potential for failure. I cannot even spell the word.’

2017

Two

Nuclear Trump

I worry about our nuclear triad because I’m a strategic thinker. I knew what the triad was last year even though political enemies tried to use my words to make it sound like I didn’t. I did and I do and warn everyone the United States must greatly strengthen and expand its land-based missiles, and submarine-launched missiles, and bombs and missiles dropped and fired from planes. Some cowards say U.S. proliferation might lead to an arms race. Let it. We’ll outmatch and outlast them all. Who are they? Russia, China, North Korea, Iran, and everyone else with nuclear weapons or ambitions. We rule this planet and, thank God, I’ll soon be commander in chief.

The ninety-nine-plus percent of you who lack my military expertise need to know that fifty years ago we had more than thirty-one thousand nuclear weapons. While it’s true Cold Warriors from that era complained about a nonexistent missile gap favoring the Soviet Union, now there really is a gap. We only have four thousand five hundred warheads and less than fifteen hundred are deployed. The Russians have meanwhile deployed more than fifteen hundred. That advantage may encourage them to attack Western Europe or even the United States. I can’t imagine my comrade, Vladimir Putin, betraying me and going suicidal, but we’ve got to make sure he doesn’t. We do that by terrifying him.

While we modernize our missiles, submarines, bombs, and planes, I promise to tell Vladimir and the Chinese we’re all too smart to really mess with each other. That’s big boy deterrence. But I’m not going to say I won’t nuke ISIS. I want them to think I might. That’s bully boy nuclear strategy.

Bibi the Builder

For thousands of years the Jewish people have had a biblical right to Judea and Samaria, and since our grand defensive victory during the Six Day War in 1967 we’ve wielded not merely the moral but the political and military right to protect the rest of Israel by administering this land still inhabited by radicals hostile to our Jewish state which extends but ten slender miles from the border of the so called West Bank to the Mediterranean.

Many of our enemies, who are dark skinned and from authoritarian nations, have periodically tried to use the United Nations Security Council to denounce Israel for violations of international law, asserting we have no right to build settlements on occupied West Bank territory. We, however, have insisted upon the fundamental right of self-defense and continued to add housing units as one means of precluding another Holocaust. As prime minister of Israel, I, Benjamin Netanyahu, have embraced this duty above all others.

Until the administration of Barack Hussein Obama, we in Israel depended on our political friends in the United States. But just last week the Americans insulted their closest and only real friend in the Middle East, and the sole democracy, by ignoring their customary duty to veto another U.N. resolution proclaiming us criminals because we’ve approved plans to build several hundred more homes in East Jerusalem. The Obama-sullied Americans abstained. We don’t care. Indeed, we’ll build where we must. All of Jerusalem is ours. Palestinians who disagree should move elsewhere, and we may assist in this process.

Thankfully, President-elect Donald Trump denounced the United Nations for condemning our behavior, and we in Israel are most encouraged that a man who so adroitly lies and steals will soon be our guy in the White House and I’ll no longer have to address Congress to undermine the leader of the free world.

House Hunter in Palestine

Our home is not a house but a shack offering two small old rooms without air conditioning and no heat but a plug-in device that little warms us on cold Palestinian nights. My ancient pickup truck barely runs over unpaved roads in and around our crowded village, and I can’t use the excellent highways Israelis have built for their settlers.

I wish we had a nice place on the hill, Najib.

That’s a fantasy, I say.

Your father lived there.

Not since 1967. He died here just as we will.

You could ask them, says Akilah.

We’ll see.

A few weeks later I’m stuck at a checkpoint – as usual – and the guard says, Get out.

What’s the problem?

You’re the problem.

I beg your pardon, I say.

There’s been another terrorist attack.

Here?

Nearby. Give me your ID.

I hand it to him and say, I condemn terrorism. What happened?

One of our soldiers was hit by a rock.

Is he all right?

You want to get hit with a rock?

Who threw it? I ask.

A young animal.

How old?

Old enough to be a criminal, maybe twelve, and next time he’ll throw bombs unless we intervene. You people do love bombs, you know.

I’m sorry for the soldier. But, please, sir, I need to go to the hill.

It’s for Jews and tourists only.

I have work up there, I say.

What work?

I’m a carpenter. I need to make repairs.

The apartments are new. Who called you? Give me their names and phone numbers.

They didn’t give me a phone number. They just said come to Apartment 312 and fix the roof.

They have maintenance for that, he said. Just a minute.

The guard comes back unsmiling. I talked to the manager. He said you’re a liar. Step out of that tin can.

He arrests me and I’m driven in a fortified van to a facility several miles away.

You tried to deceive us to gain access to Jewish property, says the officer in charge.

In that regard, let me correct you, sir. My family owned a pleasant house on that hill for thirty years and was evicted without compensation.

Another lie. Where’s your deed?

It was confiscated and destroyed in 1967.

Doubtful. What were you going to do up there?

I just wanted to visit and relive memories of a happier time, I say.

You better live in this time and stay in your place, down the hill.

Fine. Good day.

Don’t move. You were plotting a terroristic act.

I was not. Look at my truck. I’m a carpenter.

One who lied about having work on the hill. You’ll probably go to prison for three years.

I demand to call my lawyer.

You don’t need one. There won’t be a trial.

Thankfully, I only spend two weeks in jail, the first without a phone in solitary. They punch my face several times but bruises have lightened when I get out.

Akilah is crying. Forgive me, Najib, our home is fine.

Maybe it isn’t, I say.

* * *

Three months later I put on my Los Angeles Lakers T-shirt and have a friend drop me off at the checkpoint close as I can get.

Your ID, says the guard.

I’ve misplaced my passport, I’m afraid.

You’re a Palestinian.

I’m an American.

You don’t talk like one.

I’ve lived there almost ten years and recently became a citizen.

When you find your passport, bring it here. Right now, looks like you’ve got quite a walk.

I smile, turn around, and reach for my cell phone.

Hey, American, where’s your luggage?

At my friend’s house.

What’s his name, address, and phone number?

Respectfully, I think he’d rather I not say.

Those efficient guards and their computers figure out this is my second attempt to visit the settlement on the hill. Evidently, I don’t need a lawyer or trial this time, either. While serving six months I’m several times pummeled pretty good but don’t need medical attention, which I doubt would’ve been available.

Don’t try this a third time, says the warden.

* * *

At home Akilah says, Promise you’ll never do this again.

I do some research to learn how they get their blessed garbage off the hill. Early on the right morning I climb into the business end of a garbage truck and go for a ride. After being inundated by trash from one, two, three dumpsters, I withstand contents of the fourth and grab as it’s lifted out of the truck and climb inside, and the lid slams. About ten minutes later I brush off my blazer and slacks and adjust my tie, lift the lid, peer around, and scramble out.

I put my left hand in my pocket and whistle as I walk to the sales office.

Good morning, I say to the young woman on duty.

Good morning, sir.

I love the view up here. Some relatives recommended this wonderful place.

Do they live here?

Used to, a long time ago.

This settlement is brand new.

That’s what attracts me. My wife and four children want a big, safe place. She looks at your website every day.

Where do you live now?

Tel Aviv.

Wonderful.

So, four bedrooms for only eighty thousand dollars, I say

That’s right. And tax benefits, too.

I like those buffer zones around the property, and the guards. They’re all Israel Defense Force veterans, I assume.

Actually, some are from other continents and rather new in our country. Where are you from, sir?

I, too, am from another world.

Your accent sounds like it’s from this region.

Don’t worry about that. My father was a prominent Jewish entrepreneur. He married a Palestinian woman, and I’m afraid I spent too much time speaking her language, especially after their divorce.

Would you like me to show you some of the units?

Absolutely.

What a beautiful place. You’re high up and see far and feel great breathing fresh air. We climb stairs and she uses a key to unlock the door. I check out the attractive dining room and living room with high ceilings, and the three regular bedrooms, all quite nice, and love the master suite with big closets and a picture window almost as large as in the living room.

I’ll take it, I say.

Won’t your wife want to see it first?

She’s more ready than I.

Let’s go back to my office and start the paperwork.

My financial documents are at home.

Don’t worry. Nobody gets turned down here. Today, all I need is you ID.

King Tweeter

every

time

i

tweet

my

balls

get

bigger

Kim Jong Un Tweets Trump

Outraged by the contradictory tweet from President-elect Trump, I snatch my high powered Dear Leader tweeter and fire: It will happen. North Korea will soon have a nuclear-tipped ballistic missile capable of reaching the United States.

In daily telepathic conversations my godlike grandfather and father, who created a paradise that capitalists want to destroy, tell me what I must do. I must always ignore insults from enemies who call me mad and delusional and say I’m fat and fattening. Nonsense, I’m neither mad nor delusional, but Saddam Hussein and Muammar Gaddafi must have been thusly afflicted to believe the Americans wouldn’t someday conquer their countries and execute them. I often think about the departed dictators. Wouldn’t you?

I guarantee you’ll never turn on your TVs and see me with a noose around my neck or North Koreans parading my battered face through the streets prior to shooting me. That worries the Americans. With the probable exception of Donald Trump, they understand my conventional forces are eternally primed and ready to hurl destruction upon Seoul and many other hostile targets, and South Koreans are always uncomfortable during their annual military exercises with the Americans. They’d like to invade my country, they’d like to crush me but know they dare not try.

My enemies claim provocative moves are vital to deter me from attacking South Korea. That’s a strange preoccupation. Who have I ever invaded? I’m busy oppressing, starving, and brainwashing my people. I have neither the means nor the desire to conquer. I don’t command the United States. I lead a nation determined to ignore the sanctions and threats of imperialists. Their efforts to ruin us have failed. Stronger we grow every day. Shrewder become our scientists. Slimmer are the chances anyone can stop me from developing more nuclear weapons and ballistic missiles.

Here’s another tweet for Donald Trump: What are you going to do about my nuclear deterrents? I’ll tell you. You’re going to accept the fait accompli.

The president-elect enjoys insulting China because it won’t help with North Korea. Does this foreign policy neophyte understand the Chinese don’t want my haven to collapse and unleash millions of desperate refugees into their country? Doesn’t The Donald realize the Chinese need a buffer zone between themselves and American troops eternally stationed in South Korea? Does he believe the Chinese would tolerate a North Korean collapse opening the gates for Yankee militarism on the Sino-Korean border?

Has Donald Trump read about the Chinese invasion and rout of U.S. troops during the Korean War? I know the Loud One doesn’t read but perhaps one of his advisors could tell him. The Chinese are infinitely stronger now and will assure my survival as long as they want.

Three

Streep Invades Trump Tower

I sense tweeting and TV blasting won’t be sufficient so in a radical Hollywood jet I fly to New York and ride a five-limousine caravan to Trump Tower where I exit and announce, Meryl Streep to see President-elect Trump.

You aren’t really Meryl Streep, are you? says a secret service agent.

Indeed I am.

I didn’t realize you were so old.

I’m three years younger than The Donald. Please notify him I’m here.

Is he expecting you?

I don’t need an appointment.

We’ll see. He nods to another agent who by a wireless device in his ear calls into the Manhattan heavens.

Okay, says the agent, who squints looking for my wrinkles. Step in the lobby so we can search you.

A strip search won’t be necessary, I hope.

Not on the ground floor, at least.

I walk through a metal detector, take off my coat, open my purse, and undergo a light pat down before being led into an elevator. After a fast and rather exciting ride up I’m greeted by more agents who are pronouncing the rules when Donald J. Trump steps into the hall and says, Meryl, frankly, I didn’t expect to see your overrated ass around here. But you’ve got balls to visit me. Come on in.

Melania greets me in the living room and leads me to a sofa and then, along with everyone but her husband, leaves the room.

Really, Meryl, I’m never supposed to be alone with anyone except my closest family members and advisors, but I trust you’ll refrain from physical violence. I’m not being naïve, am I?

No. I’m here for rhetorical combat.

Remember, I always dish out more than I take.

It’s pitiful that you, an amateurish game show host, impugned my unprecedented credentials as a thespian.

Well, you falsely accused me of publicly making fun of a disabled reporter.

Your performance is right there on the screen.

"And you failed to understand I was alluding to one of the reporter’s very old articles. Now, regarding my assessment of your dramatic shortcomings, let’s remember that while you’ve been nominated for nineteen Oscars, you’ve only won three. That makes you a sixteen-time loser. I run for president once, and I win. I always win. If I’d been your director you might’ve done a little better and won for The Deer Hunter, Silkwood, The Bridges of Madison County, and some of the others. I guess you were okay in winning for Sophie’s Choice."

I urge you to be honest with the American people.

I will. Their mandate was overwhelming.

You lost the popular vote by…

Yeah, you liberals’ll never get over that. I won what counted, and it would’ve counted for Hillary if she’d won.

I demand that you quit pretending the Mexicans are going to pay for your wall.

It’s our wall, and I guarantee they’ll pay, eventually.

Your assertion was always that they’d pay immediately.

I don’t recall saying that exactly, he says. They’ll pay, maybe taxes, trade adjustments, or impounded remittances. Whatever.

Right now Senator Jeff Sessions of Alabama is inevitably meeting serious opposition during his confirmation hearing for attorney general.

Believe me. He’ll be confirmed.

The man’s a racist.

How do you know?

His sympathy for the Ku Klux Klan, his suppression of black voters, the things he’s said over the years.

Those are liberal talking points. He’s got the support of some prominent black legal officials in Alabama who know him far better than you. You’re used to reciting lines from fictional scripts, and you’re doing the same thing in politics.

You, sir, are the reciter of fables, and unworthy of being our president. It’s a fantasy to promise you’ll create millions of good jobs by cutting taxes and increasing federal spending. Where’s the money coming from?

Meryl, I’m going to get a younger and hotter actress. You’re fired.

The American people are going to fire you, and I sense that’ll happen in less than four years.

Heart of Trump

For a year and a half I’ve been disturbed by what Donald Trump’s been saying, and since his Electoral College victory over Hillary Clinton I’ve at times been mortified by his hot pie hole and big tweeter. Only this week have I learned, from Kellyanne Conway, that I shouldn’t believe what Donald Trump says, I should instead focus on what is in his heart. Since what most people repeatedly say is a good way to determine what’s inside, this comment by his advisor confuses me. However, when charming Kellyanne smiles into a camera I think less about politics and more about what would please her, so I at once call and ask her to please get me an interview with the heart of Donald J. Trump. She agrees, and this evening I meet the ticker.

George Thomas Clark – You’re a big heart, as one would expect from a hefty man of limitless ambition. I’d like to begin by asking what your heart really feels about Representative John Lewis, a civil rights hero from the sixties and one of the Freedom Riders, who your mouth said was all talk, talk, talk when he questioned your qualifications to be president.

Heart of Trump – Forty years ago, when I was a young businessman, my father and I declined to rent apartments to blacks. If John Lewis had applied, I’d have turned his ass down, too. Remember, we didn’t have to admit any wrongdoing in the lawsuit, we just paid a little dough.

GTC – Do you still feel the United States needs to build a massive wall along its border with Mexico? In his Senate confirmation testimony, your future head of the Department of Homeland Security, General John Kelly, said he doesn’t think it would be helpful to build a wall and that economic conditions must improve in Latin America in order to permanently alleviate the need for desperate people to enter the U.S. illegally.

HoT – General Kelly’s saying what’s necessary to be confirmed. He’s also a soldier and understands the chain of command. If I consider a wall necessary, I’ll build a wall.

GTC – What if, as seems likely, Congress tells you it doesn’t have the money and Mexico continues to tell you to shove it.

HoT – I’ll be deporting so many criminals, and frankly many other illegal aliens, like those at businesses I bust, that I’ll be able to say, Look at my toughness and control. We don’t need a wall as big as I first thought. I’ll get the money to build something, even if it’s only symbolic.

GTC – Are you still planning a massive registration of all Muslim immigrants? General Kelly doesn’t believe it’s ever appropriate to focus on religion.

HoT – A couple more terrorist attacks here or in Europe will give me the leverage I need to suppress civil liberties. General Kelly will either go along or I’ll fire him.

GTC – You’ve said you plan to use waterboarding and a hell of a lot tougher torture on suspected terrorists. About that, your nominees for attorney general and CIA chief, Sen. Jeff Sessions and Rep. Mike Pompeo, have respectively testified absolutely illegal and absolutely not.

HoT – If I believe I can save American lives by twisting critical information out of terrorists, that’s what’s gonna happen. Period.

GTC – The United States has a one-China policy that you seemed to undermine when you accepted a congratulatory phone call from the Taiwanese president.

HoT – I take calls from whoever I want. That’s none of China’s business. It’s our business that the Chinese improve their greedy trade policies and aggressive military behavior in the South China Sea.

GTC – You’ve often praised President Vladimir Putin and don’t appear concerned about Russian annexation of Crimea and military incursions in eastern Ukraine.

HoT – I’ll keep some sanctions for now, but if our relations improve I’ll remove the sanctions. Those who say Putin’s a war criminal don’t know the man or the difficulties he faces.

GTC – Do you think he’s worried about NATO’s expansion around western Russian during the last twenty years?

HoT – Of course he is. We wouldn’t tolerate that kind of threat looming around us. And I’m tired of Americans paying to maintain that military threat. Let the Europeans pay a fair share of their defense. They’ve got more money and people than we do.

GTC – General James Mattis, your pick to run the Department of Defense, testified that Putin’s trying to break up NATO, and history proves nations with strong allies thrive and those without them wither.

HoT – We’ve never had a president who’s got the natural feel for Russia and its president that I have. Let’s be friends with Russia like we were during World War II. I can make that happen because I sense Vladimir Putin and I are going to understand each other.

GTC – Why haven’t you discussed Russia yet with Rex Tillerson, your nominee for secretary of state?

HoT – We haven’t had time. I trust Russia and so does Rex Tillerson. That’s where we start.