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    Healing the Wounds of Divorce: How to Move on Healthier, Happier, and More Fulfilled
    Healing the Wounds of Divorce: How to Move on Healthier, Happier, and More Fulfilled
    Healing the Wounds of Divorce: How to Move on Healthier, Happier, and More Fulfilled
    Ebook145 pages2 hours

    Healing the Wounds of Divorce: How to Move on Healthier, Happier, and More Fulfilled

    By Freda R. Wilson

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    About this ebook

  • Helps readers gain the strength they need so that they can move on with their life

  • Teaches readers how to work through the hurt and different emotions so they can feel good again
  • Helps readers find hope as they learn to heal
  • Empowers readers to be confident about their future as they move on without their ex
  • Helps readers connect with their faith
    • LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMorgan James Publishing
    Release dateNov 3, 2020
    ISBN9781631951619
    Healing the Wounds of Divorce: How to Move on Healthier, Happier, and More Fulfilled
    Author

    Freda R. Wilson

    Freda R. Wilson hails from San Diego, California and is an ordained minister with advanced degrees in theological studies and community outreach. She is the founder and president of HELP Enterprise Inc., a faith-based organization that provides holistic ministry to empower individuals to maximize their potential for success.

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      Book preview

      Healing the Wounds of Divorce - Freda R. Wilson

      Chapter 1

      INTRODUCTION

      When you got married, I imagine you were in love and happy and looking forward to a life that would bring growth, maybe children, and the fulfillment of all the dreams and plans you both shared. But now that the marriage is over, you wonder what life will be like without him. Though you are in the throes of a painful and difficult season in your life, you can take this situation and turn it around so that it becomes your great opportunity to become creative and build a life that you will love and enjoy. You have numerous choices and the freedom to do, as you desire without opposition. You may be grieving the life you had with your ex, but as you grieve you can build an awesome new life. Novelist and poet Ben Okri says, The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering. You can be greater than the pain and challenges you are experiencing.

      Meet Connie, a divorced mother with two minor children living at home. Connie was born in the Midwest and met her husband, Michael Pearson, as a young woman in her early twenties. Michael was soon to take over his father’s church and decided he should get married before he took on his new position. He proposed to Connie and they married and moved to Dallas, Texas, to start their new lives as a pastor and first lady at the Kingdom Church. She and Michael became role models for their families, the church family, and the Christian community in Dallas. They were both dedicated to serving God’s people at The Kingdom Church. Michael was a gifted, charismatic preacher and leader and the people loved him. Connie tried hard to fit into the new community and was learning the dos and don’ts of the pastor’s wife. She was quite the fashionista and beautiful, and she enjoyed wearing her makeup, fashionable jewelry, and stylish clothing. She was surprised to learn that the older women in the church were not fond of her bold-colored lipstick, flashy jewelry, and modern clothing. She toned down the makeup and wore more conservative clothing to please the church mothers so that she could be liked and fit in.

      As the first lady, Connie was expected to fulfill many roles. She was to volunteer wherever there was a need to support her husband. She was never a public speaker, but it soon became an expectation, so she learned to overcome her fear of speaking and singing in front of people and began working with the women of the church, preaching and teaching at various women’s events and singing in the choir.

      With all the growth and notoriety they experienced, Michael became more popular and busier in the church and the community, and that required extended hours at the church with his assistant, Sharon, and more time away from home. Since Connie also found herself just as busy volunteering in the church, and attending meetings she did not think too much about it at the time. She was, however, concerned that Michael was making decisions to exclude her from meetings with the female guest speakers they invited to speak at the church, an activity they normally shared. She was also excluded from some of the ministry and leadership activities.

      Because of the distance that was growing between them, and Michael’s changed behavior she began to question all the time he was spending away from home. One day at the office, she overheard inappropriate conversations between Michael and his assistant and her heart sank. She did not know what to say or do. She was so stunned, though in the back of her mind her intuition told her something was not right. She eventually asked Michael about what she heard and he denied it. Connie, you are imagining things, he said, and acted as though he was upset that she would even approach him about something like that.

      Knowing what she heard and the distance between them, Connie was worried, hurt, and sad. She had no one to speak with or vent to because everyone she associated with was in the church and her family was far away in the Midwest, and she did not want to get them involved. Because of their church background, secular counseling was frowned upon, so she had to struggle through her depression, hoping things would improve. She had no outlet, so all she could do was pray and cry in private. She was lonely, as is often the case for a pastor’s wife.

      Unwilling to let what she had heard between Michael and Sharon go, Connie looked through Michael’s emails hoping to find something that would corroborate what she had heard and was thinking, and she did. She found sexually explicit emails between Michael and Sharon, and she was hurt and angry all at the same time. She confronted Michael again and well, as it turns out, Michael had been having an affair with his assistant Sharon for a few years. Michael apologized and begged for Connie’s forgiveness, saying he would end the affair.

      Connie forgave Michael, and told him Sharon had to leave the church and could no longer work for him if they were going to have a chance at mending the marriage. The following Sunday, while Michael and Connie were in one of the waiting areas in the back of the sanctuary, Connie saw Sharon come into the church and sit in the first row. She asked Michael, Why is Sharon here? He responded that she was a member and should not be prevented from attending church services. Connie became very angry and told Michael how disrespected she felt. Infuriated about Sharon being at church, Connie snapped and slapped Michael across his face and kept hitting him, leaving scratches on his face. She then walked into the sanctuary toward Sharon to confront her, but was stopped by a couple of deacons and was brought back into the room with Michael in the back of the church. They made it through the church service and a leadership meeting was scheduled the following week.

      Connie told the church leaders and some of the members about the affair between Michael and Sharon. Michael apologized and asked for their forgiveness. He said he was truly sorry and regretted his behavior, and he assured them that the affair had ended. After the meeting Michael disappeared and was not in communication with Connie, the children, or the church for more than six months. Connie had no idea where Michael was or who he was with or what he was doing. She spoke with his parents and visited them over the Christmas holiday and was told to give him a little more time and he’d come around.

      The members blamed Connie for the pastor leaving. They were upset about how she handled things and all the confusion that ensued. They were hurt and disappointed by everything that had happened. The membership declined while Michael was away, but Connie and the children continued to attend every week, thinking Michael would eventually return.

      Since Michael was not at the church, the mortgage on their house was not paid. He did not send any money home for Connie and the children, and since Connie was not on the church’s payroll, she could not pay the mortgage. She did ask the church leaders for financial support to pay the bills, but they said no since Michael was not there. She could not believe they would offer no financial assistance for her and the children.

      Eventually, they lost the house and Connie was forced to move into an apartment. She was so distressed, as Michael was her first love, and she loved him and their life together. She ruminated over questions like how could he mess up their twenty-year fairy tale marriage and destroy their family? How could he be in love with someone else and think it was okay? She hoped Michael would return and work on the marriage.

      Eventually, Connie and Michael talked. Michael returned and lived with Connie and the children in the apartment and he officially resigned from the church. They attended other churches about an hour’s drive out of the city on Sunday mornings. They would talk about their life and ministry and tried to work through things, but it was difficult. Things were not the same between them. In an attempt to give an explanation for why he had the affair, he told Connie that he expected God to call her home because he believed he was going to marry Sharon. She wondered if he had planned to kill her or if he really believed she would die so he could be with Sharon. She could not believe what she heard.

      Michael eventually said he did not want a wife who did ministry anymore. Connie couldn’t believe it. After forcing her to do so many things over the years, he did not want it anymore. Is he loosing his mind she thought? With all the stress in their lives, intimacy became a problem for them because Connie was not enjoying sex with Michael. She was still battling thoughts about his affair and was turned off by the weight he had gained. Things never did get better. Connie felt that Michael did not want to be with her and was only there out of obligation.

      Michael and Connie eventually divorced, and Connie tried to figure out what to do with her life. She was battling depression and so many different emotions. She found herself missing Michael and the things they shared. She missed the life they had and wondered if she would ever have the same fulfillment in ministry and if she would ever find love again.

      She constantly worried about what choices to make for her future, and wondering how she would know if she was making the right decisions was a heavy burden. She didn’t know how would she keep it all together and if God still had a great mission for her. What was God saying about all that had happened, she’d ask.

      She tried hosting a few ministry events with some of the women she remained connected with after the divorce. She joined a local church and was licensed as a minister, but she still felt unsettled and had no clear understanding of what her purpose in life was without Michael, or what she should be doing with her life and in the church. She felt as though she was just chasing after the wind with no clear destination in view.

      Connie was still grieving the loss of her marriage and the ministry she and Michael had at the Kingdom church. She never worked through all the hurt and anger she had when she found out about the affair and during Michael’s extended months away from home. She had stuffed her feelings inside and did her best to ignore them, trying to remain strong for her and the children. She did not want to deal with the pain and crazy emotions.

      If Connie is to be free of the hurt, anger, betrayal, and other emotions, she has to acknowledge how she is feeling, face the emotions and work through them. Otherwise she will take those bottled-up

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