Love Mercy: The Twelve Steps of Forgiveness
By Samuel Wells
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Samuel Wells
Dr. Sam Wells is a visiting professor in the Department of Theology and Religious Studies at Kings College in London, England.
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Love Mercy - Samuel Wells
Love Mercy
The Twelve Steps of Forgiveness
Samuel Wells
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For Ray and Karen
Contents
Preface
1. Become Resolved
2. Cease to Fight
3. Tell a Truthful Story
4. Say Sorry
5. Make Penance
6. Form an Agreement
7. Reach Repentance
8. Seek Mercy
9. Forgive
10. Be Reconciled
11. Be Healed
12. Be Raised
Preface
As I wrote Walk Humbly¹ I came to realize that it would be one of three books, which could be read in any order, or independently of one another. Love Mercy is intended to raise questions that Walk Humbly addresses, and to address questions that Walk Humbly raises. I trust these two books will in due course be joined by Act Justly, seeking likewise to deepen reflection and inspire engagement.
What follows is an exploration of twelve steps of peace. The process of making peace would normally need to include all these steps, but not necessarily in the same order as this book. That said, the steps are set out in this order for good reasons; and, more significantly, harm can be caused and the process may be inhibited if the later steps are ventured upon prematurely. Forgiveness comes near the end of the process, rather than near the beginning. To contemplate forgiveness, a number of prior steps need to be undertaken. Harm needs to cease. Truth needs to be told. Apology needs to be made. Trust needs to be established. Recompense needs to be attempted. There’s no doubt forgiveness can be an act of will or even habit; but if rushed, forgiveness may prove to have been based on fragile foundations and may later come to be regretted, withdrawn or recanted. Likewise, seeking reconciliation in the absence of major progress on the foregoing steps is like quelling a cry of rage without understanding its cause.
What this twelve-step model makes explicit are the specifically theological dimensions of the process. The model offers a way to distinguish between those steps generic to all forms of peacebuilding, and those that are distinctively Christian. Thus steps 1–6 require no explicit theological narration. That’s not to say that they don’t have potential theological dimensions; the first step, for example, is fundamentally about identity, and the fifth step, penance, has a long history as a Christian practice. But they make transparent sense outside the language of the church and the Christian story. By contrast, steps 7–10 are explicitly Christian notions, albeit ones that find parallels in other traditions. The fact, for example, that in more liturgical traditions confession usually comes near the beginning of the Eucharist, is a statement of an assumption that Christians are always in a process of making peace, and that reconciliation always involves us in naming and disentangling ourselves from our own complicity in provoking and promoting disorder. Steps 11–12 are different again: whereas 1–6 are prudent actions that Christians may see as being led by the Spirit, and 7–10 involve specific Christian practices that seek to imitate the ways of the Trinity, 11–12 are acts of God, in which the Holy Spirit makes present the benefits of Christ’s ministry. They are signs that invite us to glimpse on earth how things are in heaven; to enjoy a foretaste of what God has prepared.
There are circumstances in which it’s almost impossible to make any progress through the steps of this peace process: for example when there’s a huge disparity of power and the powerful party is inflicting regular hurt and damage upon another party without provocation. In such a case, employing the language for the second half of the process – forgiveness, for example – is almost always wholly inappropriate. By describing how a peace process works, and what are the preconditions for it to work, I’m not suggesting that it always works, or can always work.
In Love Mercy I’ve tried to stay within a triangle. The first side of that triangle is the area of personal experience. I’m seeking to touch on areas that may be painful for the reader, because of broken relationships, longstanding bitterness or abiding guilt. I want to get to the heart of what’s wrong, offer examples and strategies for a journey of healing, and reveal what such a journey is really about.
I strive to retain the intensity of personal engagement. But on the second side of the triangle I’m seeking to recognize structural injustice and systemic inequality. Personal antagonism is often a symptom of, and subsumed within, a whole swathe of wrongs across time and space. I try to cover a wide spectrum, from the domestic and suburban to the catastrophic and global, so everyone can identify with the argument.
The third side of the triangle is a form of emotional, philosophical and theological analysis and prescription. The argument is deliberately shaped so that theological concerns, which are latent at the start, gradually surface, gaining profile from Chapter 7 onwards, until in the last two chapters they suffuse the whole scene, and it becomes clear the argument was theological all along. In the final chapters I deliberately discuss particular scriptural passages in detail, because I want to demonstrate that the Bible is not a spiritual or pious text set apart from the thick of these practices. On the contrary, these steps and this agonizing journey are precisely what the Bible is about. The style is intended to be similar enough to Walk Humbly to be recognizable, but sufficiently different to be complementary, and thus to model the creative tension the whole argument is advocating.
In contrast to many treatments of forgiveness and reconciliation, what I haven’t done is gather a great cloud of witnesses to attest to the power and wonder of such journeys. I don’t disparage such stirring accounts, and have read and heard a good many in preparing this book; but I’m nervous of such a parade, both because it puts huge pressure on the protagonists to be exemplars, if not angels, and because every such account leaves you wondering whether you’ve really heard the whole story. What I’ve done instead is to attend to such narratives, try to distil the key moments and transferable truth at the heart of them, and then present those insights in a context that might stimulate and empower readers to become such an example themselves. At times I do tell stories, but these are either fiction or sufficiently stylized to be like fiction, and thus illuminate key steps without the reader becoming distracted by wanting to know what ‘really happened’.
It doesn’t occur to me that anyone will obediently and methodically follow this proposal, step by step. For those profoundly more sinned against than sinning, for example, Chapters 2, 4, 5, 7 and 8 might describe things they are looking for more in others than in themselves. But even then I hope those chapters will provide helpful insight into what they are actually expecting another party to do. Particular circumstances will shape how a journey of peace might proceed – for example, whether a series of face-to-face encounters, as envisaged at Chapter 10, is actually possible. In being succinct, I risk being regarded in some cases as inaccurate or insufficient. My proposal is intended as a humble gift, not a comprehensive or commandeering prescription.
There are those on whose ideas I have built my own, and thus without whom I might never have imagined writing such a book; among these are Ched Myers, Stanley Hauerwas and John Milbank. There are those whose example I revere; among these are Marcia Owen, John Inge, Mindy Makant, Helen Prejean and Jo Wells. There are many whose work, while not visible in mine, has nonetheless been fruitful in identifying what I wanted to say; among these are Desmond Tutu, Paul Ricoeur, Jacques Derrida, L. Gregory Jones, John Paul Lederach, Elaine Enns and Bryan Stevenson. And there are companions on the way. Charlene Kammerer invited me to give a lecture in which I first articulated the twelve steps. Jolyon Mitchell asked me to write a chapter in which I began to ponder what those twelve steps really meant. Jess White helped me greatly in delving into what luminaries had said