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    Kiss My Carol!: A Christmas Carol Comedy For Nutballs
    Kiss My Carol!: A Christmas Carol Comedy For Nutballs
    Kiss My Carol!: A Christmas Carol Comedy For Nutballs
    Ebook94 pages1 hour

    Kiss My Carol!: A Christmas Carol Comedy For Nutballs

    By Nicolas Rose

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    About this ebook

    Rude, crude and socially unacceptable, this Ebenezer Scrooge is on a mission of mayhem as he brings Victorian London to its knees one crazy night back in 1843. Contains adult language. Lots of it.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherThe Happiness Factory
    Release dateSep 25, 2020
    ISBN9781393587576
    Kiss My Carol!: A Christmas Carol Comedy For Nutballs
    Author

    Nicolas Rose

    Once in a while, a writer of such magnitude as to literally be able to make tears run UP a person’s face from pure joy of the literary word, Nicolas Rose came to Earth not by accident, but by destiny that was long ago prophesized by the ancients, or in a video game manual, but it was all really cool... “Let it be said here and now that there shall come upon this Earth, a writer so glorious in the ability to make his fellow brethren and sisthren pee their pants with laughter, that books shall be published where other Earthren can check out author’s said gloriousness, and perhaps stop to ponder at the miraculousness of life that could create such neat wurds” (drops the mic).

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      Book preview

      Kiss My Carol! - Nicolas Rose

      Chapter One: Merry Christmas! Blow it out Your Ass!

      It was a perfect, snow-glistened, cheery London street on Christmas Eve 1843. Gleeful carolers, boisterous vendors, and giddy townsfolk alike mingled excitedly on this most glorious of evenings. Colorful fruit baskets filled the shop windows along the streets, and large frothy mugs of ale clinked together loudly as everyone toasted to their good health on this vibrant and most beautiful of blessed nights.

      Down the street at the office of supreme dick Ebenezer Scrooge though, things were quite different. The place hadn’t been dusted in literally years! There were mounds of books, ledgers, papers and melted-down candles everywhere. Cobwebs blanketed everything in the room, and the rats there would actually crap one out right in front of you, then throw it at you while you were trying to work. It was annoying!

      Scrooge’s clerk, Bob Cratchit, super-nice guy but really easily scared, was trying his best to write with his fingers completely frozen together while at the same time getting incessantly pummeled by rat turds.

      Scrooge sat watching him from across the room, smiling. Hey butt-sneeze, if you take even one second away from work to thaw your fingers or dodge those grunt grenades, I'm gonna dock you a half-day’s pay! Got it, gonad?

      Yes sir, got it Mr. Scrooge.

      Cratchit very nonchalantly began trying to flick a tiny iceberg off his fingers when Scrooge suddenly shouted towards the front window scaring the total shit out of Bob. Oh no! I thought I had those dipshits taken out last year! Scrooge exclaimed.

      What dipshits are you referring to, sir? Cratchit asked.

      Scrooge pointed to the front window, Those carolers. I thought I hired someone to erase them. Oh well, no time like the present. He hopped off his stool and headed for the back door.

      Sir, you can’t be serious?

      Wait here Cratchit, and don’t even think about wasting work time trying to clean that mountain of rat shrapnel off your forehead. I’ll be counting them out when I get back! Scrooge then quietly slipped out the back door.

      Out in front of Scrooge’s office, six totally oblivious carolers were sweetly looking inside the window, singing Oh, Holy Night while unbeknownst to them, Scrooge was happily strolling up behind them, smiling with a light spring in his step.

      Oh, Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining, it is the night of our dear Savior’s birth.

      Scrooge stopped directly behind them...

      Long lay the world, in sin and error pining

      ...unbuttoned his pants...

      Till he appeared, and the spirit felt its worth

      ...then started peeing all over their legs.

      The carolers freaked out and began hopping up and down in total amazement, but no matter where they jumped to, they just couldn’t escape the huge, never-ending horse-sized stream of pee. In no time at all they were off screaming down the street, steam rising from their bodies as they zig-zagged through the confused crowd.

      Scrooge smiled appreciatively. That never gets old.

      He walked up to his front door and pounded loudly. When Cratchit opened it, Scrooge immediately began counting out the rat turds on his forehead.

      Nine! Reprieve! Good man! Scrooge laughed gleefully as he entered his office and headed straight for his desk. So, Poo-Man, I guess tomorrow’s Christmas or whatever and you’ll probably wanna come in a few minutes late huh?

      Scrooge lifted a glass of wine from off his desk and took a sip.

      Actually sir, I was thinking of taking the whole day off.

      Scrooge spit the wine out all over a nearby rat. What!?

      The rat just stood there dripping wet, holding its arms straight out from its sides, glaring at Scrooge in total disbelief over what just happened.

      Cratchit tried to explain, Well sir, I mean there’ll be no one in town to do business with since they’ll all be at home with their families.

      Why?

      It’s Christmas day, sir.

      Hey, what is it with you and Christmas day all the time? I mean really, every year it’s the same thing... you wanna another piece of coal for the fire, you wanna take the whole day off, you wanna have the rats stop throwing their bun bananas at you. Seriously, between you, Christmas, and those two fat guys that come here every year asking for money, I don’t know which is worse!

      What two fat guys are you referring to, sir?

      Scrooge pointed to the front window again, "Those two fat guys!"

      Two very rotund volunteers were looking through the window, smiling with huge, rosy, ruddy cheeks.

      Scrooge rolled his eyes, Oh God, here we go again. He glanced around the room and noticed his recently delivered, untouched lunch sitting on his desk, and it gave him a great idea.

      Oh, wait a second... this could actually be fun.

      Cratchit got worried. Sir, please.

      Scrooge ignored him. Okay here’s the plan, you let them in just as usual and tell them I have a wonderful surprise for them. Then slowly lead them over to my desk where I’ll be waiting.

      Cratchit knew this wasn’t going to turn out good. Oh crap, he mumbled softly under his breath as he headed for the door. He took in a deep breath and graciously let the two men inside. Good evening gentlemen. May I take your hats and gloves?

      The two volunteers stepped inside and were instantly out of breath. As they began to remove their gloves, a glazed chicken wing fell out from the glove of Del, one of the volunteers. He quickly picked it up and tucked it back safely away inside his jacket pocket.

      Dez, the other volunteer, eyed it longingly the entire time.

      Do come this way gentlemen, Cratchit said as he motioned for them to follow. I believe Mr. Scrooge has a wonderful surprise waiting for you this year.

      A wonderful surprise? Del blurted out suspiciously. That’s a switch.

      As the two men began following Cratchit through the room, little brown flecks began descending on them from all around. The volunteers had no idea what was going on.

      Cratchit noticed it though and smiled. Just rat turds, sirs. Best if you ignore them and keep moving forward.

      The men flinched constantly as the nuggets hit their faces from every direction.

      Scrooge was waiting for them by his desk, smiling wide with a full glass of wine and a whole roasted chicken perfectly placed on a plate. Del about dropped to his knees when he saw the chicken.

      "Right

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