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    I Carry Your Heart in Mine: Creating a Meaningful Life after the Death of a Spouse
    I Carry Your Heart in Mine: Creating a Meaningful Life after the Death of a Spouse
    I Carry Your Heart in Mine: Creating a Meaningful Life after the Death of a Spouse
    Ebook80 pages1 hour

    I Carry Your Heart in Mine: Creating a Meaningful Life after the Death of a Spouse

    By John Roskopf and Jill Schoeneman-Parker

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    About this ebook

    If you or someone you care about has experienced the death of a spouse, you'll find this slim but powerful book to be an invaluable companion through the soul-searing, sometimes bewildering aftermath of loss. Written by someone who has been through deep waters himself, I Carry Your Heart offers an unvarnished but ultimately transformative view into the process of grief, as lived and told by a keen observer of his own struggles and story.

    From the first shockwaves of grief to the later complications of getting on with life, the author shares his first-hand experience and the many helpful discoveries he makes along the way. He does it with rare honesty and vulnerability, furnishing a wealth of insights into life after loss. From many months of candid conversations, he has also gathered stories from various others (mostly men, some women) and offers them up with warmth, wisdom, and humor.

    As you follow his story, you'll find, as Mr. Roskopf did himself, that you are not alone. Feeling suddenly and painfully out of place in your own life is common – a natural human response to profound loss. But feelings of isolation and habits of isolation are two different things. You'll also witness the value of what the author calls "tribal therapy," the informal, unscripted, but regular meetings of a "band of brothers" who have suffered similar loss.

    Chapter topics include talking with your children, dealing with well-meaning but unhelpful friends, replacing debilitating habits with healthy routines, drawing on the power of faith, and other significant issues wrapped up in insightful nuggets of wisdom called Little Ohs.

    If you've lost your partner in life, you know things will never be the same. But that doesn't mean your future has to be a second casualty. I Carry Your Heart explores the difference between grief that paralyzes and grief that grows into a re-embracing of life, even happiness. If you're looking for an accessible resource that can help you better understand and survive after the loss of a spouse, I Carry Your Heart is indispensable collection of stories, personal and practical insights, and inspiration.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBookBaby
    Release dateSep 15, 2020
    ISBN9781098322892
    I Carry Your Heart in Mine: Creating a Meaningful Life after the Death of a Spouse

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      Book preview

      I Carry Your Heart in Mine - John Roskopf

      I Carry Your Heart in Mine: Creating a Meaningful Life after the Death of a Spouse

      By John F. Roskopf with contributing author Jill Schoeneman-Parker

      Copyright 2020 by John F. Roskopf

      ISBN Filed For - Paperback: 978-1-09832-288-5

      ISBN Filed for - eBook: 978-1-09832-289-2

      Cover art designed by William Roskopf

      All rights reserved. Contents may not be reproduced in whole or in part in any form without the express written consent of the author.

      About the Authors

      John F . Roskopf retired after a 45-year career in finance and risk management, most recently focusing on risk management issues in higher education. He has spoken frequently on organizational strategy, leadership and creativity and has published numerous articles on risk management. John received a B.S. from Quincy University and an M.B.A. from Loyola University. He is the father of two and grandfather of four.

      Jill Schoeneman-Parker, Psy. D. received her doctorate from the Illinois School of Professional Psychology with a specialization in Abuse and Trauma. Additionally, she trained in art therapy at George Washington University following her studies at Wellesley College. She is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist with over 20 years’ experience working with children, adolescents, and adults. Jill is a former Director of CampCare, a bereavement day camp for children and adolescents and worked as an Educational Therapist with emotionally disturbed children. At present, Jill maintains a private practice in Skokie, IL. When she is not working with her clients, she loves spending time with her family, taking pottery classes, gardening, walking her dog, and hunting for sea glass at the beach.

      Both authors can be reached at carryyourheart128@gmail.com

      For Carol, whose heart I forever carry in mine.

      Contents

      Preface

      Introduction

      The Art of Tribal Therapy

      The Wild Ride of Emotions

      With Friends like These!

      Talk to Your Children

      Keeping Busy

      The Power of Faith

      Sunny Skies and Other Problems

      Seeking Professional Help

      What to Do with All This Stuff

      To Move, or Not

      Dating and Companionship

      Lessons in Pottery

      Life is Worth Living

      A Personal Post Script: Thrival Skills

      Acknowledgements

      Appendix

      Recommended Reading

      Estate Instructions Checklist

      Preface

      Before we begin, let me offer a few disclaimers. This book was written primarily for men. Women have similar experiences, but also several characteristic differences in terms of processing grief, maintaining support groups and dealing with living alone. I received invaluable insights from talking to many widowed friends, but at the end of the day I cannot represent them with the same sort of insider knowledge that I have as a man. That being said, I believe women can benefit from many of the insights in this book.

      The men quoted here from our men’s group are generally older – our children are out of the house. While we love our children dearly and still want to address their emotional needs, we are largely free to concentrate on ourselves. Fathers with small children represent an entirely different dynamic, as the children become the focus of attention and the father’s needs become secondary.

      I recount many stories here. I was personally helped by hearing others tell their stories, and I believe these, in turn, will help you or someone you care about. There is nothing clinical about this, per se, but many do find it therapeutic. One of the first things you realize is that you’re not alone, you’re not abnormal. You just happened to have been dealt a terrible blow. Please note, however, that I am not a professional therapist and do not offer clinical advice. But many men who have lost their spouse after a long and loving marriage do seek professional counseling. When dealing with depression, anxiety, withdrawal and a wide range of emotions, it can be difficult to know just when one needs help. Consequently, I have invited Jill Schoeneman-Parker, a clinical psychologist, to offer a chapter on seeking professional advice. It’s an important subject and I think you will find her comments relevant and informative.

      Finally, everyone quoted in this book is a real person. I owe each of them immense gratitude for their honest, candid conversations, sharing with me, and now you, their inner-most feelings.

      Introduction

      It never hurts less; it just hurts less often.

      Widow of victim of American Airlines Flight 191 crash in Chicago

      August 7, 2014 was our 43rd wedding anniversary. That’s when I first noticed the limp.

      Carol and I met in college in 1968. Quincy College, now Quincy University, a small Catholic college in southern Illinois, was the perfect place for young students to meet, although for us it surely wasn’t love at first sight. In fact, we couldn’t stand each other the first time we met, outside of the local bowling alley. But somehow, a year later we reconnected and never parted ways after that. I think it was on our third date that Carol told me that she wanted two boys, and she even had the names picked out, Stephen and Patrick.

      We were almost the same age. She was not quite two months older, but she was a year ahead of me in school. Upon graduation with a degree in elementary education, she had just one job interview, Saints Faith, Hope and Charity Catholic School in Winnetka, Illinois,

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