New Mom, New Job: How to Make the Right Choice When Maternity Leave Leaves You Wondering

Chapter 1:

The End of Maternity Leave

You’ve always been someone that knew what she wanted. You went to school, got good grades, got a job that paid you well, met your adoring partner, got married, and had kids. You’ve been off on maternity leave with your little bundle of joy, and it has been a challenging time switching over to the role of mother. The date of your return to work is looming, and you think about it all the time. Sometimes when you think about it too much, your heart hurts because there doesn’t feel like a right answer. You lose either way. Right now, you just want someone to tell you what to do. You’re tired, and you’re confused.

You don’t think you’re ready to go back to work yet. Sometimes, you think that it would just be better if you stayed home with the kids full-time, but would you be bored? Is that wasting your potential? What about the money?

You can’t believe you’re being so indecisive. You’re not sure what’s wrong with you. You feel like you are going around and around with all of these terrible scenarios in your head. You picture early morning drop offs, frazzled and screaming at your kids, only to do it all again at night when you get home. On top of that, the commute is so long and eats up precious time from your already time-pinched day.

You may find yourself wondering, What happened to my ambition? and What the heck is wrong with me that I don’t care about those things anymore? Remember when you first started in your career? It felt so exciting and limitless. You dedicated so much of your time and energy to the success of your career. Then, life happened. Not in a bad way. It’s just that it did. You had kids, you got tired, your priorities shifted, and you don’t have that same feeling anymore about the career that you once loved.

You’re left thinking, I need to get this figured out because my husband and friends are getting sick of hearing me talk about it. You’ve been a support person for all of those people in your life, and now, when you need their help more than anything, it seems like you can’t talk to them openly and honestly about how you feel. You’re afraid they are going to think you are spoiled; after all, these are first world problems, right? You’re mad that no one seems to understand your struggle. Why does it seem so easy for other moms? Other working moms are killing it. Just check it out online and you will see hundreds, if not thousands, of thriving moms.

And what will people think if you don’t go back to your job? So many people have been asking you what your decision is. Your boss keeps trying to set up a meeting, but you don’t see the point right now if you don’t know what you want. Your husband keeps asking you what you want to do. He’s the only one that really sees your struggle from the inside. You tell your friends how you feel and that you don’t know what to do, but they don’t know the depth of it. They don’t realize that you are crying yourself to sleep most nights, and you feel like you have lost all direction in your life. Your friends have families and lives of their own, and the little time that you do see them, you want to put on a brave face and have a nice time. You don’t want to burden them with your problems, but this leaves you feeling alone in your struggle.

Your parents were so proud of the career that you have. They love telling their friends what you do. Your parents wanted stability and security for you, and now it feels like you’re letting them down too.

You are worried what your colleagues will think if you ask for part-time or if you resign. They are still working that job, they are doing great things, and they are successful by all definitions. You wonder why it doesn’t feel like enough for you anymore. Many of the women you work with have kids too, and they are doing fine. The men don’t seem to have to worry about this choice. On one hand, this time off with your baby has been the best time of your life. You are so grateful to have had it to be able to spend so much quality time raising your baby; on the other hand, it feels like it made you question what you’re doing with your life when you used to be so sure of yourself and your direction.

You’ve taken on the role of mom, with gusto. You read all the books, you attended the workshops and the baby groups, you’ve listened to experts and paid experts to help you with colic, sleep disturbances, breastfeeding, and baby led weaning. You’ve put so much of your heart into raising this little one, caring for her every whim. You love her so fully; she is a part of you forevermore. Her giggles and smiles, her hunger cries, and her happy and sad moments. This has created an internal struggle in you because it feels like you are choosing one thing over the other. How could you ever not choose your baby?

You’re resisting this decision. It doesn’t feel possible to choose.

The problem, to make things worse, is that you’ve also put time, energy, and years of your life into your career. You make a difference in your job. You are good at your job, and you make good money, which makes you feel accomplished. You feel powerful and smart when you are at work. If you go back to work, are you choosing ambition over your kids? If you stay home, are you giving up on all of your ambitions?

You have had a challenging year off with your baby, and you’ve been through a challenging pregnancy. Maybe it forced you to take time off work even before the baby was born. Your boss seemed to understand, but underneath, you could sense an irritation, you could sense that she was wondering how long this would go on for. Your boss backfilled your position while you were off, but that person’s contract is coming to an end and she needs to know if you are coming back.

This journey has already been filled with challenges and twists and turns that you didn’t expect. It’s left you reeling, and it feels like anything could happen at any minute and it could all crash to the ground. Maybe you’ve been through a postpartum mental health challenge, depression, or anxiety. You turned into a person you no longer recognized. You were rattled to the core and you’re left questioning everything you once knew about yourself. You worry that maybe you aren’t as strong as you once thought. You wonder if maybe you aren’t cut out for this motherhood thing. You worry that adding work back in will cause you to go back to that dark place and that maybe you won’t be able to handle it all.

Your husband will listen, but he doesn’t really get it. All of the men in higher positions at his work have wives that have stayed home with their kids so the husbands could focus on their careers. You thought your relationship was different. You thought you were a modern couple, with equal responsibilities. That’s how the two of you have always operated. The past couple of years, ever since you got pregnant, there has been a shift. It has felt that the burden of parenthood has fallen on you. Both of you work in careers you are proud of. Both of you went to school and got degrees. There never seemed like much of a gender difference.

You’re sad that motherhood has created resentment in you. You are honored and grateful to be a mother, but you also feel a deep frustration that you are the one in this career predicament and not your husband. You never thought you could harbor such resentment towards your husband, the one you love, the one you loved more than anyone in the whole wide world before the baby was born. The hard part is that he doesn’t realize it. He knows that you get so frustrated that you could scream. He knows that you get so angry that you cry. But he doesn’t realize that every time he goes to work in the morning, it’s a reminder that his life has not changed as much as yours has. That anytime he has hard days at work or stressful periods at work, that you feel jealous that he even has the privilege of having a job. Lucky you, you get to go to work.

What the heck?!

How can you feel so resentful about not having a job, but then in the very next breath feel like you never want to be apart from your child? Even if someone tore her away from you and forced you back to work, you would feel like you would die. It feels like a lose-lose situation. You’re mad at your husband for going to work, but you ache at the thought of going back to work yourself. This is the dilemma of the modern mom.

Let’s talk about purgatory, that terrible place between heaven and that other place. You are there now. Pretty biblical, but also very well suited to this situation. You can’t think about anything else, so there goes your brain power. You can’t talk about anything else, so you can’t have any interesting conversations anymore. You probably can’t sleep very well, so you’re turning into a zombie and no one wants to be around a zombie because they eat people. I’m not trying to be funny here. I think it’s a great comparison. You are beating yourself up all the time, every minute, so how can you possibly feel good? I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be in purgatory because it’s a terrible place.

How is your parenting going? You find that you are starting to lose your patience with your kids. All of that stuff about attachment parenting and positive parenting seems to have gone in one ear and out the other. You can’t figure this out either. If you love your kid so much and want to be with them and can’t imagine being without them, how come it’s so brutal and exhausting right now? It feels like you have one foot out the door already. As your return to work date approaches, you are starting to imagine being apart, so in your head, are you already gone? That’s terrifying to think. Is this how it will always be if you go back to work? The bond you created with your child will disappear? You will become a miserable old woman, not a joy to be around? You see all of these other moms who seem so fun, and you can’t quite do it. You’ve lost your ability to have fun.

You want to be happy and loving and present for your kids. You want them to see a mom who enjoys spending time with them. You want to be a woman that they look up to. You want to be the strong person that they turn to when they need help.

But you’re not being the parent you want to be. You’re not being the loving, mindful mom you aspire to be. Maybe you’re not made of that fabric. Maybe you are just better off going back to work. Maybe it’s best for both of you.

So, what’s it going to be? Sounds like you’re not going to be a good employee anymore. You’ll probably have a breakdown if you do go back to work as you know it. Maybe you will be bad at your job now and get fired. Sounds like you’re not cut out to be a stay at home mom either. You’re no good at setting up crafts and activities for your kid. You’re screwed.

You owe it to yourself to figure this out in the best way possible for you. You’re not sure how much longer you can keep this up. People want to know your decision. More than anything though, you need to make a decision. It’s eating you up inside. It’s taking up all of your energy and your thoughts. It feels like life will never go back to normal because you are in purgatory, that in-between space, that space where you cannot move forward and you are simply stuck.

Chapter 2:

I Used to Lose Sleep Over This Too

I have been where you are right now. I have two daughters, and I’ve probably done every possible option a working mom could do.

When my first daughter was born, I had been working full-time as a genetic counselor at a large children’s hospital in downtown Toronto. I had a one-hour commute each way on public transportation. I did that commute while pregnant, but at the back of my mind, I knew I wasn’t going to be going back to that job. You know how you get checked out of your job as your due date approaches? Well, add to that the fact that I knew I wasn’t going to go back to that place to work ever again? I had been burnt out by my job for a number of years, but I also was frustrated with the lack of opportunities for advancement or opportunity to use my own creativity. It was hard to stay focused or motivated. I can honestly say, though, I never questioned whether I would go back to work after maternity leave. I just knew that I was not going back to work at that same place.

I found a new genetic counselling job, full-time, closer to home. The commute went down to a thirty-five-minute drive, and we found a very sweet daycare woman right down the street from our home. I was certainly upset when the time approached for me to go back to work. I was exhausted and still breastfeeding, but a part of me was also ready for adult interaction and mental stimulation.

When I went back, I remember that the girl that