Beyond Identity, Navigating Life's Waters with Parkinson's Disease
By Peter Hunt
()
About this ebook
“To feel deeply is to fall deeply, not to stumble back to sunlight’s superficiality, but to evolve in curious darkness, learning to shiver in the fullness of the moon.” -From Beyond Identity.
By age 43, Peter Hunt had lived an adventurous life as a Naval Aviator, commercial pilot, and shipwreck diver, so when diagnosed with Parkinson's disease he accepted the neurological disorder as simply a new challenge. There was a big difference; however, Hunt's previous tests had been by choice. Parkinson's was not. But what if Parkinson's disease was welcomed into life as an opportunity to grow? What if it was treated as a choice, not as a victim's label? The result—fifteen years since diagnosis, Peter Hunt flatly states that "Parkinson's is the best thing that’s ever happened to me." And he means it.
Beyond Identity’s six-year collection of short stories, essays, and poems begins nine years after diagnosis, a time when Hunt's Parkinson's symptoms were at their worst. To examine his life at the most authentic level, Hunt scrapes away society's definitions and assumptions so that he might explore the essence of his identity beyond the adversities of brain surgery, jarring physical changes, and depression. Humble and brutally candid, Beyond Identity’s 90 short works trace the outline of an inspired journey, edging ever forward with humanity's most fundamental question – who am I?
Join Peter Hunt, the author of Angles of Attack, Setting the Hook, and The Lost Intruder, on his continuing journey at www.peterhuntbooks.com
Peter Hunt
Born in New York, Peter Hunt spent six years of his childhood in Athens, Greece, where he started diving in 1978. Hunt worked on several wreck diving boats based out of New York during high school and college, including the Wahoo, from which he made 13 dives to the Andrea Doria in 1983 and 1984. After graduating with a history degree from Brown University, Hunt joined the navy and trained as an A-6 Intruder attack pilot. During his naval service, he completed three aircraft carrier deployments to the Persian Gulf, Indian Ocean, and Western Pacific over ten years of active duty, earning the Distinguished Flying Cross and three Air Medals. Hunt went on to fly for United Airlines until being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2005 at age 43. That is when his writing began in earnest. Peter Hunt holds a master’s degree from the University of Washington, is the father of two adult children, and lives with his wife on Whidbey Island. He is the author of Angles of Attack, Setting the Hook, and The Lost Intruder.
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Beyond Identity, Navigating Life's Waters with Parkinson's Disease - Peter Hunt
Peter M. Hunt
Beyond
identity
Navigating Life’s Waters with Parkinson’s Disease
Copyright ©2020 Peter M. Hunt
All rights reserved.
Thank you for purchasing an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright law. No part of this book may be reproduced, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the copyright holder.
Design and composition by Teresa Muniz
Cover design by Teresa Muniz
Cover photo courtesy of Karen Cox
About the cover: The author and his daughter, Emily, watching the sunset from the aft deck of the Sea Hunt, Deception Pass, Washington, 2014.
First Edition
Dedicated to all my family.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
—Socrates
Contents
Foreword
Chapter One: Running in Sand
Precious Vulnerability
A Book with a Soul—the Writing of Setting the Hook
Veteran’s Day
Running in Sand
Keeping it Real
Ghosts of the Corridor
No Need to Panic
Effortless Proficiency
Breathe Life
Walking the Road; Saying Goodbye to the VW Bus
Proof of Life
Chapter Two: Savage Simplicity
Parkinson’s Strategies Learned the Hard Way
Empty
New World
The Good, the Sad, and the Writhy
Savage Simplicity
Clarity in Purpose
My Girl
So, I Lied a Little . . .
A Damn Fine Day . . .
Chapter Three: A New Day
Saying Goodbye to Ron Akeson—My Final Lesson
Apart from Time AND Distance: Memorial Day
A Bump in the Road*
Happiness: On Considering Self
When Life Moves Fast
A New Day
The All of Us
To the Graduating Class*
Goodbye, U.S.S. Ranger*
Chapter Four: The Void
On Report
Water
The Void
The Riddle of the Sphinx
Humility’s Legacy
Imagination’s Key
Walking the Dog
Being Lost
Appreciating the Rain
Gifted a Life Ring—Farewell to Eric
Chapter Five: Boldly Going Nowhere
Creative Wonder
Living with Parkinson’s after DBS
When even Coffee Turns—Parkinson’s Sneaky Demons
Parkinson’s Helped Resuscitate My Soul
Chasing the Ball of Life
The Most Unlikely of Places
Motion’s Coming On
Boldly Going Nowhere
Losing My Mind
Looking Within
Chapter Six: Folly and Detour
Groundhog Day All Over Again
Something for Nothing
Folly and Detour
Unlearning Kindness
Desolate Exploration
Where Gritty Meets Sublime
The Bear Went Over the Mountain
Exploring Exploring
Shadow of Doubt
On Your Own
Ego’s Indifference
Chapter Seven: Ebb and Flow
Falling Deeply
Cup of Tears
A Path to the Soul
Words
Surreal Bookends
Better Questions
Daybreak
Timeless
Tidelands
Life’s Soft Journey
Peace
Venus Rising
Howl
Ebb and Flow
Chapter Eight: Unseen Radiance
A Most Curious Cadence
Forward
Hope and Regret
Just Imagine
Curiosity*
Departure*
Power
Ego’s Dark Eye
Enchantment of Miracles
Nature’s Tender Siren
Meaning
Harsh Features
Unseen Radiance
Puddle Sprayed
Soar
Tilling the Soil—A Conclusion
Afterword
Appendix
A Partial Reading List
About the Author
Foreword
I’ve often said that Parkinson’s disease is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t say this to be shocking, although I have witnessed that effect on listeners. It is not meant as a self-improvement mantra either, nor did I come to this conclusion lightly. I say this to illustrate that Parkinson’s has forced me to honestly and thoroughly examine my essential nature, who I am, and why I exist. Parkinson’s makes every step to a broader perception much harder, but it is the reason that I started on this journey, and, for that, I am grateful.
We all have life challenges that test us, inviting us to shape our destiny with the recognition that where and how we choose to focus our attention in large part determines the direction that our life takes. Focus, in my definition, is derived from a deep sense of personal identity, the essence of how we view ourselves archetypically as individuals. Identity is what the mind looks to as a reference, the missing adjective in the sentence, I am a (blank) person.
Focus sharpens life assumptions, building the paradigm, the rules under which we conduct our daily lives. Some, and I would include myself, might call this our personal reality.
Focus is a choice, while most life-altering challenges, the struggle one must come to terms with to live moment to moment, might not be. Parkinson’s disease is my current life challenge, but it is not where I choose to focus my attention. In other words, I do not identify first or foremost as a person afflicted with Parkinson’s disease. I must reinforce this conscious decision daily to ensure that I do not slip into the role of victim. The danger in identifying with an illness—of considering oneself a victim—is that it can quickly disempower the afflicted, encouraging them to grow more and more dependent on outside forces like medication for their sense of well-being. Eventually, the victim mentality can become resigned to an unfulfilled life guided by often arbitrary criteria perceived to be beyond their control.
This collection of 90 chronological writings, some a single sentence and others running multiple pages, illustrates how a challenge like Parkinson’s can positively influence an actively evolving identity. Creativity plays a critical role in any form of expression. It acts as a catalyst, animating the learning experience, helping us to grow in our view of the world. My interpretative use of creativity happens to be through writing. This anthology of thoughts and feelings comes directly from blog pieces written years nine through fifteen since my Parkinson’s diagnosis. This period begins a year before the mechanical intervention of deep brain stimulation (DBS) surgery, a medical device that provides electrical signals to both sides of the brain to mitigate Parkinson’s worst symptoms temporarily. It ends soon after a successful follow-on operation to replace and upgrade the DBS system’s battery pulse-generator power source.
DBS makes everyday life tremendously more comfortable for me; however, Parkinson’s is still considered incurable, with or without DBS. Parkinson’s symptoms will inevitably worsen beyond debilitation until death. How long that will take, no doctor will hazard a guess. Still, there is a sizeable disparity in the severity of symptoms among Parkinson’s patients of similar diagnostic time frames and treatments. I like to think this might be rooted in each individual’s fundamentally different view of reality: not better or worse interpretations, just distinctive understandings. One particularly impactful experience to my reality was the discovery of the lost Intruder. Please let me explain.
In 2014, I began searching for a long-since crashed U.S. Navy A-6 Intruder aircraft, which led to the writing of my last book, The Lost Intruder. My initial interest in finding this jet stemmed from pure curiosity and need for a challenge, but it quickly developed into something far more significant. During my search, I inadvertently cultivated a heightened state of awareness, sentience that reassured me that despite at times dire circumstance, everything was alright. I was mostly happy and generally at peace during this time, despite or maybe as a result of Parkinson’s gathering pain and discomfort. According to most western societal conventions, I should have been miserable during this period, but I was not, despite feeling the genuine minute-by-minute pains of the disease.
Many synchronicities—meaningful coincidences, as coined by psychoanalyst Carl Jung—occurred during my underwater exploration, culminating in the discovery of the jet 26 years after the accident. The U.S. Navy could not find this same aircraft using far more sophisticated equipment than available to me in my search. Back in 1989, when the navy started looking, the mishap’s paper trail was also fresh and the underwater wreckage more pronounced on the bottom than it is today. During my 18-month search, there was never a doubt in my mind that I would somehow find the lost Intruder, even though right until the end, I had no idea how that could be possible. My travels and the fate of this specific A-6 Intruder, an aircraft that I flew while an active-duty navy pilot some months before it plummeted into Puget Sound, seemed to be entangled through a shared collective experience, perhaps destined to rejoin eventually. At least this is what I sincerely believed in a rare nexus of subconscious and conscious thought at the time. And belief does make a difference in accomplishing life goals—potentially, a huge difference.
After DBS surgery midway through the search for the lost Intruder, my amplified connection with the surrounding world began to fade, deserting me entirely soon after our team of technical wreck divers positively identified the submerged A-6. Up until this point in my life, I had experienced brief periods of heightened awareness before but always connected to a dangerous, physical challenge of some sort, peak experiences,
as psychoanalyst Abraham Maslow referred to them. While languishing in a deepening depression after the discovery of the lost Intruder, it occurred to me that physical challenges of adventure related to flying or diving were probably behind me, leaving me initially no tried and true way to break free from despondency’s hold.
Finally, the pain of depression grew too great, prompting me to try something, anything, different. Instead of pursuing an adventure-challenge, I opted to look entirely to within myself, a strategy which—aided by yoga, meditation, research, and much time spent in nature in contemplation—has helped me find a return path to the elusive peace experienced before DBS surgery. Today, a decade and a half into my Parkinson’s journey, I am mostly happy and fulfilled. I can also be a goofy son of a bitch who tends to smile a lot, a whimsical aspect to my developing identity that I’ve grown to enjoy.
The writings in this book mirror my state of mind during this passage, a persistent return to what I consider to be an opening of consciousness. This anthology represents this awakening, a developing process that has undoubtedly resulted in some confusing or difficult to understand pieces, particularly toward the collection’s end. I recommend that each writing be read, allowed to sit, and interpreted on its own merits: if it resonates, perhaps consider it a while longer. If it falls flat or leaves you baffled, move on. There are no right or wrong answers here, just maybe new or differently framed questions to stretch your imagination.
My intention in compiling this book is to intrigue, inspire, and reassure, not to advocate a remedy for life’s ills. There is no mention of religion or politics here, and rarely is the word cure
used. Although I cannot adequately explain why, I feel deep in my gut that not all disease was meant to be cured, at least not by outside forces. If there is a point to living, then I am confident that it cannot be found at the bottom of a pill container. It is through consciously considering a debilitating disease or disability—or any significant challenge, for that matter—as an opportunity that I believe one can choose to be generally happy, not all of the time, but most of the time. Accepting life’s intrinsic struggle through a conscious rejecting of the aura of victimhood can also bring forward a lasting sense of well-being. Taking responsibility for the current reality of my disease empowers me to enjoy the moment while mitigating Parkinson’s symptoms well beyond my expectations.
As do all my books, this, my fourth, describes a journey, only this time, it is all internal: an exploration of heart’s rapport with the mind, and the bonding of both to body through a rebuilding identity. It is a blended progression of personal experience and free-form creativity, designed to spark the reader’s curiosity to venture beyond the page’s accepted rhythm, to consider that which is beyond our ken, not to try to explain an event or process unilaterally. It is my goal to help kindle an introspective fire that motivates your journey of self-discovery. But nobody else can do this for you: it is your life, your