Manual for Marriage

2014).

1

MARRIAGE AS VOCATION

Danielle

ocation is a concept that is foreign to many in our modern world. The idea that God made each of us for another is not something you are likely to read about in Cosmopolitan magazine. The world teaches instead that we are made for ourselves and that we should seek whatever makes us happy in life.

The ironic thing is that, ultimately, what truly makes us happy is doing what God wills for us, and what God wills for each of us is that we give ourselves to another. In marriage, we give ourselves to another person, or in a vocation to the religious life or the priesthood, we give ourselves to God and the Church. God himself modeled a life of self-giving love when Jesus carried his cross, and then was nailed to it. He bled and died on that cross out of love for each of us. What clearer example of giving oneself to another could there be?

Of course, each of us is made for our Creator. We are meant ultimately to give ourselves to God, but the smaller ways that we give ourselves to others while here on earth are a beautiful reflection of that ultimate truth and the very means by which God draws us closer to that union with him. If you are called to the vocation of marriage, you are not made for yourself; you are made for your spouse.

It can be easy to think of vocation as somehow different from what we are called to in married life. When we see a nun take vows and enter a convent, or a priest take vows and embrace service to the Church, we see how their commitment is life-changing and all-encompassing. But the call within marriage can seem different from that. After all, we can get married and then still have our jobs, friends, homes, hobbies, and bank accounts.

And yet, as Father Jarrett writes, God has his own designs for each one of us. Each of us has his own way of life. The married life is as much a vocation as the life of the cloister, and marriage should dominate the life of the married as the life of the cloister dominates the life of a nun.²

Does your marriage dominate your life? I found these words challenging to read. We should live every day inside of our marriage as a nun lives inside of the cloister. Marriage should dominate, permeate, surround, and define everything we do.

I’m not sure I always live up to that. Sometimes, the kids dominate my life. Especially when our children were small, it was easy to fall into survival mode and just barely get through my days wiping faces, cleaning messes, and soothing needy babies. Of course, children are the natural fruit of marriage, and service to children is part of the vocation of marriage, but our children and their needs should not dominate our lives in place of our marriage.

And here’s the thing: you can never give enough of your time and attention to your children. They will always want more. Children, especially when they are small, are wired to take. They demand that you meet their needs. One of the ways we love our children best is to meet their needs, but we must also begin to teach them that others have needs as well. It is a loving thing for parents to give children the security of knowing that we love them, but also that we love each other first.

But children are not the only distraction from our vocation of marriage. If I let it, work can dominate my life. Or friends can. Or my own hobbies and interests. Early in our marriage, one of the greatest gifts Dan gave to me was balance. In the evening, when the kids were finally in bed, he would remind me that dishes and laundry could wait. Work emails could be sent the next day. Phone calls with friends and family could happen some other time. This was time for us to be together, and our marriage should come first.

Dan’s gentle insistence on our spending time together over the years has been a great gift to me because, left to my own devices, I do not always focus as I should. It’s not a lack of love for Dan but a maternal drive to focus on the children instead, or a built-in drive to be productive that pulls me away. It can be easy to see how a social media addiction or sixty-hour work weeks would be damaging to our marriage, but when it’s noble goals in work or motherhood that threaten to distract me, it can be difficult to see the wisdom in setting limits.

There are always other good things we could be doing, but they cease to be good things when they dominate our lives in place of our marriage. Father Jarrett reminds us that for those of us called to marriage, married life is the highest thing we can ever do. Your marriage is the highest thing. Let’s pray for the grace not to be pulled away from that highest thing.

Dan

Marriage is a common state of life for Christians. It is the norm, and most of us grow up knowing we will one day get married. We’re on the marriage train, and only some unforeseen, outside force could derail us. We will one day arrive at the marriage station, along with a billion other people, and it’s easy to feel we’ve done nothing special in getting married. Because marriage is the most common state of life, we can lose sight of the fact that each marriage is distinct, important, and a part of God’s unique plan for each of us who are called to it.

It’s likely you knew your marriage was a holy calling on your wedding day. People, including you, were pretty worked up. You were in a church, reciting a vow. There was a priest, people intently watching, kneeling, and an exchange of rings. You were probably serious, nervous, and reflective. There were a bunch of people there you were supposed to know, but didn’t, and it was important for you to smile a lot and pretend to know them.

But what about after that day? What about five years later, or maybe twenty? Do you still see Christ in your marriage and recognize the importance of what you and your spouse are doing? I remember the February day I put a bag of dirty diapers in the wood stove to heat the house because there was four feet of snow between me and the woodshed outside. I don’t remember being overwhelmed with the sense I was doing God’s work at that moment.

You may feel marriage is just regular life, or that you slid into it, and as such, it is only tangentially related to your Creator. You may not even be conscious of this idea, and you might simply be operating day-to-day in this way. I know from experience that work, distractions, and my own imperfections can conceal God in my marriage from me. Marriage, however, is a holy calling from God. Your union with your spouse is ordained by God.

Father Jarrett writes, The married life is as much a vocation as the life of the cloister, and marriage should dominate the life of the married.³ What does this mean and how do we achieve it? You and your spouse are made for each other, and you have a duty, through God’s grace, to bring each other to holiness in this world. That great responsibility comes from God, and the special grace he dispenses to spouses is ultimately ordered to eternal life with him in heaven.

I occasionally reflect on decisions I’ve made in life, especially on the big ones, like cars I’ve purchased or vacations I’ve planned. I think about how I decided to build my own house or become a teacher. I’ve been blessed that many of my life-changing decisions have worked out well. Of course, I’ve made bad decisions too that I’ve learned from. Many of these, though, were about passing things that ultimately are of little importance. My greatest decision of all, one that eclipses all others and has been profoundly good, was the decision to marry my wife, Danielle.

Our marriage and the family life we’ve created together are a true calling from God. Outside of God, these are the most important things in my life, and this must be reflected in my priorities. It seems many, especially in our culture, subjugate their marriage not just to their career but to their money and friends and even to their laziness. To live your vocation, you must see that your spouse and the marriage that unifies the two of you is the most precious thing you have in this world. Your most important work is nurturing that relationship.

Do you put more effort into your job than your marriage? Effort is not necessarily measured by time spent. You may need to spend more hours at work than at home many days of the week. Effort is measured more by how much of yourself you give and the activities to which you give yourself. Do you give more of yourself to your work than to your spouse?

There is no better use of my time than spending it with my family. This includes time alone with Danielle. Regular, quality time that a husband and wife spend together is neither selfish nor frivolous. It is essential. The world is constructed to pull you apart. Worldly distractions can make you forget your deep and trusting love for each other. Time together allows you to re-root, re-center, and uniquely cooperate with God.

You are true to your marriage and doing God’s will when you live up to worldly responsibilities while putting your spouse and children first. You will never regret doing this, and you will all grow in virtue.

There is wisdom in what Father Jarrett states, The married life, if it is God’s choice for you, will contain for you the highest thing you can ever do. One way of life may be higher than another way of life, one way of prayer higher than another, but this can be only in the abstract, for that is highest for me which God has called me to—whatever it may be.⁴

Putting your marriage first is the surest way that you will find happiness in this life, grow in holiness, and together with your spouse, make your way toward heaven.

Practical Points

Talk About Your Distractions

What things pull you away from spending time with your spouse and allowing your marriage to dominate your life? Have a conversation about this. Of course, it makes sense for you each to have some pursuits of your own, but ask your spouse what things he or she might resent that you do, and be open to hearing what he or she has to say.

Even without having a conversation, you can pay attention to the things your spouse might complain about, or even just express hesitation about you doing. We generally know the kinds of things that make our spouse happy or unhappy. Perhaps something already came to your mind as you were reading this. Does he resent that you spend your evenings pursuing your own activities while he is left alone? Does she dislike it when you stay out late with friends? Pay attention to the ways you choose to spend your time and how it affects your marriage.

Find Creative Ways to Spend Time Together

Life is so busy that we sometimes have to be creative about the ways we will find time to spend together. Do you have a long list of errands on the weekend? Consider doing them together, even if it would be more efficient to do them separately. Or you might make it a habit to take a walk together in the evening after dinner. Walks are great because they are a simple way to remove yourselves from your home and all the distractions you find there. You might meet for lunch in the middle of the day when your schedule allows it. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but it should be regular.

Start and End Your Days Together

As much as reasonably possible, try to keep the same schedule as your spouse. If he gets up early in the morning for work, you can get up too, even if you don’t have to, so that you can share a moment together before he leaves.

A shared bedtime is an even more important opportunity for connection. They call it pillow talk for a reason! Those few quiet moments at the end of your day are a precious opportunity to connect, share about projects at work or with the kids, or talk about plans for the next day before falling asleep, side by side. Being on similar sleep schedules connects you in the most basic of ways, emphasizes that you are living one life together, and provides opportunities for intimate communication.

Have Shared Goals

Of course, you and your spouse share some big goals, like raising your kids, succeeding in your work, or buying a house. But think about some smaller goals you might enjoy working toward together. Shared goals have a way of reminding us that we are a team, and working together on something can help you see and appreciate your spouse in new ways.

Think about your interests or what kinds of things you might like to try. Do you enjoy fitness? You might consider signing up for a road race, and then training for it together. Take on a home improvement project, plant a garden together, take a cooking class, or map out a road trip for next summer. The possibilities are endless, and you will naturally connect with one another while reaching your new goals.

Have Fun Together

When you were dating, you probably knew exactly how to have fun together. But what about now? Have you fallen into a dreary habit of communicating only about work or the kids, of passively watching dumb shows on TV, or sitting in silence at the dinner table?

Think of some of the things you have enjoyed in the past and find a way to bring those activities back into your marriage. It might be as simple as playing a board game together or stopping for coffee at that fun place you never go to anymore.

Look for Small Connections

Especially during busy times, look for small ways you and your spouse can connect with one another and be reminded of the love you share. Something as small and simple as a text message can be very meaningful when it lets you know that your spouse is thinking of you in the middle of a busy day. You might leave a note on the bathroom mirror, letting him know you are praying for him, or you might whisper something funny to her in passing, recalling an inside joke the two of you share. Small things are big things when it comes to connection.

Have No-Phone Times

Our smartphones are a wonderful way to communicate and connect, but ironically, they are also a terrible distraction from authentic connections with the people we love. Have times in your day when you and your spouse put your phones away. It might be after dinner when you go for that walk, or for the couple of hours before you go to bed. All those emails and texts from other people can wait. Give yourself the gift of focused time together with the person you love most.

____________________

2Bede Jarrett, Bede Jarrett Anthology, ed. Jordan Aumann (Chicago: New Priory Press, 2013), 281.

3Ibid.

4Ibid.

2

MARRIAGE AS SACRAMENT

Danielle

o what is this highest calling? What is this noble work God sets before you inside of the vocation to marriage? It is nothing less than the salvation of your spouse’s soul. That is the great work you are called to in the married life. You are not made for yourself; you are made for your spouse, and your goal is heaven.

To find out God’s original plan for man, woman, and the relationship between them, we can look to the Garden of Eden: The LORD God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him (Gn 2:18).

We need a helper; we need each other. We are made for one another, as a help to one another, on our way toward heaven.

When Dan and I were first preparing to be married, I loved the romantic idea of helping one another toward heaven. I pictured us working together and praying together as every day we made our way closer to God.

And for sure, over the years we have worked together, and prayed together, and made our way closer to God. What I didn’t realize at the time, though, was that one of the most important ways that marriage brings us closer to God is through sacrifice.

Yeah. That word. Suffering.

As St. John Paul II reminds us in Love and Responsibility, Love between man and woman cannot exist without sacrifices and self-denial.⁵

There’s no way around it. And what’s more, the kind of sacrifice and self-denial we face in marriage is not likely to feel very noble or glamorous. I don’t know about you, but I sometimes hear a word like sacrifice and imagine gallant and showy ways of giving up ourselves for the sake of another. Like St. Gianna Molla sacrificing herself to save her unborn child. Or St. Maximilian Kolbe offering his life in place of another inside of Auschwitz.

I tend not to value the smaller stuff, the real stuff that marriage is made up of. Real sacrifice inside of marriage is actually a whole lot of small, seemingly insignificant things. Keeping my mouth shut when I am irritated. Watching his movie instead of mine. Offering to make him lunch when I would rather sit and scroll through my phone. There is no Auschwitz here, and yet these small things can be hard to do.

I know. We get tired. We get sick of it. We grow weary of placing someone else’s needs ahead of our