Hold Fast to Dreams

HOLD FAST TO DREAMS

DREAM THERAPY

Dreams of a Manic-Depressive

(c) 2020 by Scot Walker

Table of Contents

Introduction

On the Nature of Bi-Polar Illness

Dreams and their Interpretations

Dreams beginning with A

Dreams beginning with B

Dreams beginning with C

Dreams beginning with D

Dreams beginning with E

Dreams beginning with F

Dreams beginning with G

Dreams beginning with H

Dreams beginning with I

Dreams beginning with J

Dreams beginning with K

Dreams beginning with L

Dreams beginning with M

Dreams beginning with N

Dreams beginning with O

Dreams beginning with P

Dreams beginning with R

Dreams beginning with S

Dreams beginning with T

Dreams beginning with U

Dreams beginning with V

Dreams beginning with W

Glossary

Index

Other Smashword publications by Scot Walker

Produced Plays

Published Plays (Paperback)

Published plays (e-versions)

Produced video plays

NPX (National Play Exchange)

Selected Awards

Poetry (paperback)

Poetry Book

CD Recordings

Selected Poetry Readings

Literary Magazine Publications

Published Short Stories

Published E-zine Short Stories

Amazon Shorts (Now Defunct)

Published Essays

Published Letters to Editors

Associations

Non-Fiction

INTRODUCTION

On November 27, 1997, I began recording all my dreams. Before then I knew how important many of my dreams had been, but I was only able to remember a few. Now, I wanted to discover what they were telling me. Furthermore, I wanted to know if my dreams could help guide me out of my depression and if they could tell me specific things about my life.

As I analyzed each dream, I came to several conclusions. First, I realized that my relationship was stable. Second, I knew that I loved to travel, but that I would not move out of the country. Third, I knew that even though my job was going nowhere, at least I had many friends and a paycheck. Fourth, I realized I needed to step back and listen to my associates and friends. And fifth, I realized that I could live with my bi-polar illness as long as I listened to my body, mind, soul, spirit and dreams.

I also discovered that my dreams were divided into four groups.

The first group, which made up about ten percent of my dreams, is what I call trash dreams and they rehash the day’s events. An example occurred when I played mahjongg all day long. Just before I fell asleep, I thought about the tiles. That night I dreamt that I was playing with tiles. They were written in Chinese (just like the mahjongg tiles). I needed to solve the puzzle, when I did, however, the Chinese pictures and characters disappeared and I saw a picture of Pinocchio and letters written in the Roman alphabet. My explanation for this dream and many like it is that my mind was emptying out the garbage from y brain!

Over sixty per cent revolved around current events—almost as if I am reliving the day’s events.

About twenty-five percent were set in the past/

The remaining five percent were set in the future.

I have had several futuristic dreams that came true. The most poignant occurred nearly twenty years ago when I was a salesman. One night I dreamt I was in a local community ten miles from my home. In the dream, I left a house that sat on a small hill. I walked down eight or nine steps, walked around the front of my VW, got into my car, started the engine and then backed up. In the dream, I ran over two small children and killed them. I woke up. Nearly a month later, I was assigned a sales lead in that same community. I made a sale and was elated. As I left the house, I walked down fifteen or twenty steps. Then I got into my VW. I started the engine and suddenly I remember my dream. It was foolish, I thought, to think that my dream could come true, but I sat there wondering. I started to put the car in reverse. Then I put it in neutral. I turned off the engine, opened the door and walked behind my care. There, playing underneath the rear wheel was a small child.

In my most prophetic dream, I was in the dining room of my mother’s apartment on April 30, 1973, exactly one week after my grandmother died. My mother was in her bedroom and I sat at her dining room table. Suddenly I looked up and saw my grandmother floating up the sidewalk. She floated through the front door and yelled at my mother, Pat, where are you? My grandmother looked at me, smiled and winked, but didn’t speak to me. My mother acknowledged my grandmother’s presence and my grandmother passed by me, went into the hallway and entered my mother’s room, out of my sight. Although I was out of sight, I did hear everything both of them said. They talked about my grandmother’s money, where she wanted it to go and how she wanted it be spent. My grandmother reiterated that she wanted my mother to have the bulk of her cash estate. Only a small portion was to go to her other daughter. My mother and I had wrestled with the question for many days after my grandmother’s death. We thought it would be fair to split the family fortune between the two daughters, but my grandmother’s handwritten will had specifically given the bulk of it to my mother. The conversation lasted quite a while and my grandmother answered several other important questions. She said she felt good for the first time in years and loved being where she was, but that she wouldn’t be able to come back again. I woke up. The next day my mother came to visit and as we sat in my library, she said, Scot, I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that mother talked to me about her money. I turned white from my face to my toes and added the next few lines to her dream. Then my mother added more and I added some and my mother finished as we realized we had had exactly the same dream at the same time. The only thing my mother wasn’t aware of was me—I wasn’t in her dream. I was in her dining room and she didn’t see me or hear me from her bedroom. We paled as we wondered if it was a dream or a visitation. I’ll never know. But I know the power of dreams!

When I started this project, it was a struggle to get out of bed and write down my dreams. Sometimes I’d get up at 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning and go to the bathroom. Within a few moments, I’d start to remember my dreams, but I was so tired that the thought of finding a pen and paper and writing them down was more than I could bear. At the same time, however, I knew I needed to know as much about the inner workings of my mind as I could, so I sat in the frigid bathroom, scribbling out my shorthand notes. As I wrote, I’d remember the sights, sounds, smells and feelings I’d experienced in my dreams. Sometimes I’d remember only one or two dreams—on rare occasions I remembered five or more. On one occasion, I remembered ten dreams. Then patterns began to emerge. I often remembered the ends of the dreams first as my mind raced back to remember the beginning. Why this happened, I’ll never know. Often I was only able to remember portions of dreams, on very rare occasions, I’d remember dreams hours later. Ninety-nine per cent of the time, however, I needed to put my thoughts down on paper as soon as I woke up.

I’ve dreamt in Technicolor, heard dogs barking, flown, floated, ridden in elevators, climbed steps, and even smelled fish, fruit and vegetables. I’ve talked to friends and relatives. I’ve solved problems . . . and created them. I’ve led and followed. But what I’ve learned about myself has helped me function in the real world. I now feel a part of society and I honestly believe that recording and anal sizing my dreams has helped me see inside myself.

ON THE NATURE OF BI-POLAR ILLNESS

I suffer from bi-polar illness (manic-depression), an illness that started when I was seventeen years old. Unfortunately, I suffered with the illness for nearly thirty years before I knew I had it. Bipolar people have mood swings. By that, I don’t mean we feel happy or sad. What I mean is we float to the top of the Empire State Building and then we bumble back into an open pit a thousand miles deep. We struggle is to stay alive—minute by minute—second by second. Social acceptance is not important, neither is fiscal responsibility nor sexual safety. So, in my personal years of hell, I learned none of the skills necessary to keep me going in the real world. It was only after ten years of medication and some therapy that I began to realize what life was all about—and a large part of that realization came from a careful analysis of my dreams.

After I began interpreting my dreams, I realized who I was and that I was living a life as precariously as a man riding on a roller coaster. In manic times, my friends and relatives couldn’t talk to me. Back then I knew everything and knew I could solve all the problems of the world. Actuality, during my manic times, I couldn’t focus on anything, I spoke rapidly and I wasn’t able to think clearly. Frequently, I started verbal arguments. I had no long-term friends and my relatives barely put up with me.

During my days of deep dark depression, I slipped into a black pit where I stood in grease and oil up to my neck. I looked up and saw nothing but blackness. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw the slime that covered the walls. My only means of escape was to climb out on my own—totally isolated from society and the rest of the world—without a phone or radio—stuck and utterly alone! When I looked carefully at the walls of my pit, however, I discovered tiny pins sticking every six or seven inches all the way to the top. The only way I could escape would be to hoist myself up—dragging my body forward up 5, 6, 7, or 8 pins before sliding back down 2, 3 or 4. Up and back. Up and back. Over and over for days, weeks or months until I could escape the hellhole and reach level ground. Unfortunately, that level ground never remained level for long. I immediately climbed my roller coaster—ascending higher and higher each time—aiming toward the top, top, top, top—knowing as I neared it that the descent would again lead me back into my maelstrom, down, down, down, as I was unable to control my ride—unable to control my life. I was totally unable to exist as a rational, sane human being. So Unable. Unable. Unable.

Thank God, today, with medication and professional help, I’m stable. It is the purpose of this book to help others with my illness and those studying my illness to look into one manic-depressive’s mind. I hope my dreams will help unlock some secrets of my illness and I pray that those suffering from my illness will someday be whole again!

DREAMS AND THEIR INTERPRETATIONS

Dreams starting with A

ACTOR

1.) I dreamt I was a young, very good-looking actor. I had two friends, a young guy and a young woman, who were in the same play with me and they were cute, as well. The guy was very Italian looking and hot! After my scene, a talent scout approached me about a job. A few minutes later, a guy in the audience told me about my problem. He said that my body language didn’t match my words. I didn’t look people in the eyes when I spoke to them, for example. I thanked him and said I had wanted to solve my problem for several years. I went back outside to the lawn where the play was being performed. The audience sat on the side of a gully or ravine. The actors, their friends, supporting cast and stagehands sat on the other side. Everything was very impromptu. When I got to my place, I noticed that everyone was there except for the female lead and the Italian actor. I looked my male co-star in the eye. He had a very deep voice and he was very cute. The female co-star came toward us, slowly, making an entrance, perhaps a block away, from the top of a distant hill that was covered with several trees. The Italian and I started to sing, I’ll be Seeing You in Apple Blossom Time because she was so far away and we figured it would take days before she reached us. She stopped and kissed a female friend passionately. Nobody seemed to be upset or unduly surprised about her actions, but she lingered there in no apparent hurry to reach the rest of us. [PAST: I first realized I was gay when I was about fourteen years old and had to play a role for twenty-five years before I finally came out. I obviously have a problem reaching the audience on the other side of the gully—it’s just one of the obstacles I’ve faced in my lifetime—being gay and being mentally ill. The female lead leaves me, which might mean she had no interest in me sexually, but the hot Italian actor leaves me as well and I have no clue why. Perhaps he’s straight? PRESENT. I still try to act the way I think people expect me to act and I don’t’ stick to my principles. When confronted with anything, I will change roles rapidly.]

ACTRESS

2.) I dreamt I was an actress and had to eat six raw eggs and go to bed early. I ate five raw eggs and they weren’t as bad as I thought they’d be. [PRESENT AND FUTURE: Eggs represent spiritual nourishment and hope and even though I am being forced to go to bed, there is hope. I often feel as though I’m trapped—in my job, in my relationship—in life itself. Perhaps there is a light at the end of the tunnel!]

ALIENS

3.) I dreamt aliens landed on earth. I knew they wanted me. I avoided them the first day but on the second day, I went to their spaceship and waited for them. Their ship consisted of a huge bedroom. I put on my pajamas and went to the toilet. I heard them coming and said hello. They wanted to know where I had been and why I hadn’t come to them when they wanted me. I said I had to watch the eclipse [PAST: There was a solar eclipse last week]. They said I was on the TV show 20/20 and I said I wasn’t. An alien asked me about the Twenty-two Commandments and I tell him we only have Ten Commandments. He said God destroyed twelve commandments! [PRESENT: I often feel alienated at work and in society, however, in this dream, I faced up to the alien forces. An eclipse always signifies something major—so perhaps I’m reaching a turning point in my life—through medication and a new look on life. FUTURE: The TV show 20/20 might signify a balanced approach—looking at things through perfect vision. As far as the Twenty-Two Commandments are concerned, perhaps my inner soul is looking for more direction from God—perhaps there’s a void there that needs to be filled. AUTHOR’S NOTE: Two years after this dream, I had published a book of short stories, a book of poetry and had completed this book. In addition, my professional and personal life were balanced and I had more friends than I h ad had since I was a child.]

ALIENS

4.) I dreamt I saw a spaceship or plane land in Africa. A man whistled as something escaped. Later a plane of the same description landed in Canada. A commander in Washington, DC sat outside the White House. He needed to make an important decision about the alien plane but he was waiting for more information. Fortunately, the aliens were hydrogen breathers and couldn't live in our nitrogen/oxygen atmosphere so they all died. [PRESENT: My life often seems to be controlled by distant outside forces and others—the commander outside The White House, for example, have to come to my aide to solve my problems—but at least my problems are getting solved and this book seems to be helping!]

ALONE

5.) I dreamt I was alone in a new school. I ate alone and was utterly lonely. I saw kids I had taught [I’m a retired teacher]. Then I saw Luther, my high school buddy, who took me to his Capitol Hill house that had been turned into a frat house or rooming house. I crashed with him. We stood outside Luther’s door as he opened a combination lock. The combination had at least four numbers, but I didn't watch as he ran through them. I deliberately turned my head the other way and as I did, I noticed a handwritten sign that asked students to read a book about FDR. The note urged, This book must be read with pants up! I couldn’t imagine anyone jerking off as they read about FDR’s life! Once inside, the door locked behind us and I asked Luther about getting out. We’re here until tomorrow, he said, they lock us in [PAST: Last night, I watched a 48 Hours special about a death row inmate who was locked up]. I asked about peeing and wondered if I’d have to use a bucket. [PAST AND PRESENT: Even though I taught school for fourteen years, I feel I’m still constantly learning. In this case, I had to go back to my high school to learn a lesson from the past. My best high school friend was Luther. In this dream, he helped me by taking me to his house, which had been turned into a fraternity house, housing more of my brothers." In real life, I never told Luther I was gay and I don’t know if he was—but I did fantasize about him a lot when I was in school with him. I remember once, seeing him in his pajamas at his house and that memory stayed with me for many years! In the dream, Luther’s room was locked and I didn’t look as he opened it. Therefore the room was a safe place but I wanted Luther to keep the secret—and to keep the bedroom (my place of intimacy) safe. The combination also had four numbers—which is a sign of completeness and wholeness and safety—like the square. Urination is a sign of releasing emotion. The number four signifies completeness or wholeness—just like a square is complete because of its four sides. Books are always a source of wisdom, so I have a chance to expand my knowledge. FDR has always been a hero. I grew up admiring dozens of famous Americans. Jerking off while reading about FDR probably shows my fascination with heroes and great men. Now, however, I’m in my mid-fifties now and realize that great men were only human. Spilling a great amount of urine—in this case in a bucket—generally means creativity. I have been extremely creative lately, writing short stories and poetry and preparing to publish several books—including this one!]

ALPHABET

6.) I dreamt about Tony and I asked him to get me some information on a country that started with K but he brought me back information on a country that started with the letter L. It was then that I realized he didn’t know the alphabet. [PRESENT: Tony is my significant other. He’s extremely bright, but I often treat him as though he isn’t.]

AMERICAN INDIAN

7.) I dreamt I was a Native American and someone took a photograph of me in a village [PAST AND PRESENT: I often wonder if things would be better if I had been born in an earlier time.]

AMPUTATION

8.) I dreamt I saw a paratrooper crash into a rocky wall. He was very high off the ground and his arm was embedded in the rock about a half a foot deep. He took out a knife and cut off his arm. Blood was everywhere. He fell to the ground and told his comrade to help him. Later, he said he’d be okay. [PRESENT: Right now, it seems as if I am going nowhere. I want to be an author and I want a better paying job, but everywhere I turn, I feel trapped. FUTURE: The paratrooper takes out a knife and cuts off his arm. Even though his action is drastic, I find that I’m taking some drastic action in my own life in order to end my current state of affairs. I’m writing three or four hours a night, attending community association meetings, exercising and helping others at work. In other words, I have started to take charge of my own life.]

ANIMAL

9.) I dreamt I collected amber was embedded in trees and look like snakes. I scraped it off with a knife and was going to take it back home. I saw a porcupine and almost went up to it, but I noticed half its quills were missing, so I avoided it. I saw two skunks. Then I walked past a lioness that was eating a dik dik. I walked part of the way and drove a JEEP the other part. [PRESENT: This dream revolves around my current feeling of myself. A tree is the symbol of self. Amber is a symbol of immortality and intellect. A snake is a symbol of power and indicates change and transformation. Often the snake calls attention to the need to move to a new level of consciousness and accordingly, is a very positive sign. Snakes also represent healing. A snake climbing up a tree represents the process of becoming conscious. Animals are close to their instincts and always behave according to their true nature; thus, animals that are domesticated and docile are symbols of those qualities and animals that are fierce represent fierceness. Taking all that into consideration, I have the strength of a lioness but not that of a lion and, perhaps, I have the ability to act like a skunk or bristle my quills and protect myself like a porcupine. In other words, my skills are more defensive than offensive—and I have some fierce skills. I know for a fact that I hid in a shell for many years—unable to cope with the word. In essence I became a porcupine, a skunk and a lioness—out of need. Finally, the number two indicates duality and balance. The good news is that I am now aware of my inner self and will soon be able to reach a higher level so that I can overcome by baser instincts.]

ANIMAL

10.) I dreamt I washed elephants in a railroad train. [PRESENT: Animals always behave according to their true natures; their positive and negative qualities remain the same. The elephant is the symbol of caring, family, strength, long-life and durability. A train represents a journey. In this sense, I am strong because I have outlasted my mental illness problems and as I journey through life, I learn more and more each day.]

ANIMAL

11.) I dreamt I wanted to be the Russian ambassador. I had met Gorbachev but I had no background in foreign affairs. I walked by dozens of beautiful houses in the best section of Washington, DC, wondering what I could do at age 56—discouraged that I had so little life left. I envied the boutiques and gorgeous houses as I walked up a steep hill. The houses were beautiful but there was no sign of human life anywhere. I was totally alone. I had to go to Floral Avenue in Maryland, but I wasn’t sure how to get there even though I felt as if I had been there before. I walked up a pretty street, but I knew I’d be in a bad neighborhood soon. I got to the M Street Metro [PRESENT: There is no such stop] and wondered if I should walk to Floral Avenue or take metro to L’Enfant and transfer to Silver Spring or if I should go to Shaw. I went to L’Enfant and saw the inside of the metro. There were thousands of people there. [PAST: Last night, the metro was severely overcrowded.] The train tracks were flooded and there was a horse race going on along the tracks. [PAST: Yesterday I noticed a lot of drainage sewers in the metro tracks.] In my dream, I cheered, but for the first part of the race, the horses and riders remained side-by-side. All the horses were beautiful white animals. Suddenly, one broke away from the rest—pulling ahead, faster and faster, past 1, 2, 3, 4,5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 other teams. Then he stopped and scratched himself cat-like. People went crazy. Was he showing off or did he really have to itch? He chatted with another horse for a few moments. [FUTURE: The fact that I wanted to be the Russian ambassador may mean that I finally have some major goals in life. I had no experience in foreign affairs, so at least I knew my limitations. I walked by dozens of beautiful houses. Twelve is the number of completeness. There are twelve months in a year, twelve hours in the day, twelve at night, twelve disciples of Jesus, twelve tribes of Israel, etc. Houses represent the dwelling place of the soul—and since these were beautiful, I can only imagine that my soul is beautiful. Hills signify small ambitions—easily scalable. Are my goals too low? I was alone in my dream—a frequent occurrence. Horses are symbols of the base animal nature in man—the unconscious and nonhuman. Water also symbolizes the unconscious and emotions—but it symbolizes magic, ambition and baptism, as well. Why did the white horse stop and scratch himself? Was he showing off? Am I that white horse? Am I showing off too much?]

ANIMAL

12.) I dreamt I heard a loud crash in the back of my Falls Church, Virginia house. When I got there, I noticed that my neighbor’s tree was gone—I assumed it had crashed in our yard, but I was wrong. I looked again and noticed that the tree was alive—it was a huge animal, maybe thirty or forty feet long and it was underground in my neighbor’s backyard [FUTURE: Approximately a year later, I sat on my deck on a perfectly clear day and watched the same tree fall to the ground.] I called Tony. We watched as the animal slid under our fence and then twisted and turned its way down to the stream—it almost knocked down a small tree in our yard on its way to the stream. Finally it reached the stream and sat there. We looked at it as I stood in my neighbor’s backyard—but I realized that his yard wasn’t the same. His shed was pointed in the opposite direction. Currently the shed door faces west, toward our house, in the dream, I realized the shed door faced the north. [PAST: Yesterday I had thought about the cardinal directions]. I felt very sorry for the animal and wondered if it would be okay in the stream, I wondered what it would eat—and I even wondered if there were any more like it. [PRESENT: Trees are symbols of the self. In this dream, the tree has no roots and roots symbolize unrecognized potentials. Perhaps I have no unrecognized potentials; then again, perhaps the dream should just be taken at face value: When the tree fell, it fell. There was no trunk left. It was as though the real tree had no roots! The stream, water, has many meanings, including baptism and initiation. This dream is disturbing to me for many reasons. I am not sure what it may mean—unless it’s telling me that I have no roots and no ambition. In addition, I felt a great sorrow for the animal—it was almost like a Loch Ness monster—lonely and hidden from man. I woke up with a sense of emptiness.]

ANIMAL

13.) I dreamt I offended a female friend. I wanted to find her and apologize but I couldn’t find her. As I walked away from my open-air classroom, I saw children riding on elephants. I knew I’d soon ride on an elephant but decided I’d love to ride one now. I got closer, however, and realized that only little children were allowed to ride. The first two animals were real elephants and held about four or five kids each. The next animal was a horse. The rest of animals were all fakes. There was a fake horse with happy children riding it and a fake whale—with two small children riding it. There was a boy on the front and a girl was strapped across the back so her hands were strapped across the whale’s back [PAST: I saw a science fiction movie last night in which explorers had to grab a space capsule and hold on with their hands. PRESENT AND PAST: I am holding on to too many illusions—and letting too