Acts of Friendship: 47 Ways to Recharge your Life, Make Real Connections and Deepen Your Relationships

Before the First Act

Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.

Robert Waldinger

Have you ever considered the importance of the friendships in your life, and that nurturing those relationships could be one of the best things you can do for your mental and physical health? The Harvard Study of Adult Development has been tracking people since 1938—the longest-running study on life and happiness in the world—and has uncovered this surprising finding that we wish was common knowledge: people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age fifty were the healthiest at age eighty. Friendships are a better predictor of health than cholesterol levels. And not only do good relationships protect our bodies, but they also protect our brains. People with strong social ties are proven to experience less mental decline as they age. More than money, fame, or the total number of social media likes, close relationships keep people happy throughout their lives. The key to healthy aging, according to Harvard researcher George Vaillant, is relationships, relationships, relationships.

For far too many people, the world has become a sad, angry, and anxious place. Is it any coincidence that we are also increasingly lonely? Research shows that socially isolated people have a significantly increased risk of premature death compared to those who have stronger interpersonal bonds. Being disconnected reverberates through our minds and bodies, and has been compared to the health-destroying effects of smoking fifteen cigarettes a day. Loneliness kills.

We know that relationships are good for us, but maintaining (or deepening) our friendships often falls to the bottom of our priority lists as we chase other measures of success that appear to have more attractive, résumé-boosting payoffs. In their book The Lonely American, Harvard psychiatry professors Jacqueline Olds and Richard Schwartz describe the rise of loneliness and a decline in meaningful relationships: the push of productivity and the cult of busyness along with a desire to stage-manage our relationships through the filtering lens of social media are pulling us apart. Real relationships take time, care, and physical presence: there are no social media shortcuts, no hacks, no other ways to build relationships than to repeatedly make the choice to show up and pay attention. Wearable technologies can’t compare to real-life friends when it comes to helping us make positive behavioral changes. A hiking boot badge for hitting 25,000 steps in a day will never give us the same boost as a hug from a friend at the end of the trail, yet many people continue to ignore the benefits of real, in-person community.

To determine how many real relationships people have, the General Social Survey, a group headed by Duke University researcher Miller McPherson, asked people face-to-face, Looking back over the last six months, who are the people with whom you discussed matters important to you? followed up with the lie detector: What are their first names or initials? The survey found that between 1985 and 2004, the number of people with whom Americans discussed important matters dropped from three to two, and more startlingly, the number of people who said they had no confidants tripled, making up nearly a quarter of respondents.

We may think that with hundreds of social media connections we can’t possibly be lonely, but when it comes to relationships that comfort and uplift us, social media doesn’t cut it. Sherry Turkle, an MIT professor and a clinical psychologist, is deeply concerned about how social media is affecting interpersonal closeness. Turkle isn’t anti-technology, she’s pro-conversation, and she worries that a generation that chooses text over talk has lost the ability to listen, learn about, and understand each other. And, Turkle asserts, when we miss out on conversations with others while using technology to avoid ever being alone with our thoughts, we lose the ability to relate to ourselves. Hundreds of Facebook friends aren’t as valuable as true friends—people with whom you can have face-to-face conversations and feel comfortable being yourself, or people with whom you feel safe enough to try your hand at being someone completely different. It’s not the number of friends you have, but the quality of your close relationships that matters.

Acts of Friendship offers a remedy for disconnection. It’s an entire book about how you can intentionally deepen your close relationships to transform your life for the better. Each chapter describes an enjoyable activity that friends can do together, backed by research supporting its health benefits. You might want to approach the book as a spin on a book club, taking turns designing monthly or weekly activities from the chapter of your choice. Although our intended audience is women, we’d love it if men would engage in a few of the activities as well—especially A Woman’s Rite, which will encourage them to commune with divine feminine energy.

We are three women who met and became friends when we worked together for the same multinational company. As our friendships grew, so did our desire to get more out of life: we wanted our lives to be more closely aligned with the things we loved. All the self-help books tell you to find your passion and follow your bliss, but often your talents come so naturally to you that they don’t feel like talents at all. You need a friend to tell you that you’re exceptional and that your talent is worth pursuing on a grander scale. And you need more than one approach to expand your concept of who you are and what’s possible—this is where our acts of friendship have helped us and can help you, too.

We have tested more than one hundred activities on our own friend dates, including Horsing Around in which Deb was thrown off Joey the runaway stallion (we excluded that one!) and Pop Art in which we attempted to create random masterpieces by smashing balloons filled with paint that were pinned to a canvas (we excluded that one as well!) to select the forty-seven most enjoyable, beneficial, and accessible activities for Acts of Friendship. The acts are designed to broaden your perspective, expose your true self, build courage, and change your life in ways you never expected. It’s no coincidence that our lives expanded in tandem with our get-togethers. By engaging in purposeful activities in an intentional way, we discovered a formula for personal growth that produced moments of meaning where our random yearnings and aimless wanderings finally made sense. And we all know that when you hit upon those aha moments—like when you discover that you’d rather be a pastry chef than an investment banker—you have to share them with your friends.

Our experience of friendship as a catalyst for life change isn’t unique. People have always looked to one another for encouragement and guidance, and today the need to connect and make sense of it all is greater than ever. Whenever and wherever people gather with their friends—even if it’s just around the corner for an evening without partners or children—they are responding to an urge to converge that is backed up by an ever-growing accumulation of research: friendships help fight illness and depression, speed recovery, slow aging, and prolong life.

When we initially planned our get-togethers we weren’t aware of the research data on friendships. All we knew was that whenever we met, our lives improved. As active women caught up in careers and family obligations, we had a desire to get more out of life, and more out of our limited time together. We wanted to experience lots of rejuvenating laughter, to create more opportunities to encourage each other, to expand our horizons… and to give back. So rather than simply getting together for a tidy block of catch-up time, which sometimes felt like a wine-y work meeting, we decided to take our get-togethers one step further. We looked at the latest research on what makes a happy and fulfilling life, and designed our activities to maximize the benefits of getting together.

Personal growth disguised as a friendly get-together—is it possible?

We discovered the answer to this question is an emphatic yes. Self-improvement is best enjoyed with friends who can help each other acknowledge potential and reach those places of greatness within ourselves that we know are there, but were previously inaccessible. Friends offer the gentle reassurance that we don’t have to let the past determine the future, and that it’s enough for us to become better than we are today, according to our own yardstick. We’ve helped each other understand that we don’t have to do or have the most, but that we can each become our best selves and have some fun along the way.

Our friendly get-togethers became life-shifting experiences. While performing A Night at the Improv, we learned that our listening skills can be joyfully sharpened. When we tried out Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, we discovered that the proven health benefits of expressing gratitude can be multiplied when done collectively. Through our experiences in reflection, we acknowledged that the inner child found in Childhood Excavations could be a great teacher. Creative activities such as Standing Jokes and Think on Your Stilettos revealed hidden talents, and Ages Eight and Up made at least one of us realize that she should stick to her day job. Our adventures in exploring other cultures and religions revealed what shared humanity feels like. Everything we experienced by participating in the activities found in this book gave us memories that will last a lifetime and an awareness of what matters—which we might never have achieved on our own. We are thrilled to be able to share our methods and experiences with you and hope to inspire you to create your own scrapbook of memories.

The activities in Acts of Friendship are short projects, exercises, or excursions, most of which are free and all of which are inspiring. As you perform each act, you may find it desirable to keep a journal to record your moments of insight on your unique path to self-discovery and personal growth.

The book is divided into three sections: reflection, creativity, and adventure.

Reflection activities. These encourage self-awareness to help us make sense of the past and see a brighter future in which we can be ourselves, only better. They often involve learning something new, experiencing something old and familiar in a new way, or seeing ourselves through the loving perspective of a dear friend.

Creative activities. These cultivate playfulness. The focus is on letting loose and having fun. Silliness rules and we abandon self-consciousness.

Adventure activities. These embolden us to do what we may hesitate to try alone, exploring new places, people, and things. Adventure challenges our bodies, invites the unexpected, and expands our concept of what’s possible.

This collection of inspirational activities is intended to be a wellspring of ideas for people who want to harness the power and potency of friendship. The perfect get-together companion, Acts of Friendship is dedicated to encouraging new adventures, discovering fresh insights, and enjoying great times with your friends. Activities have been designed to give you the most value for the least money in the shortest amount of time.

In her book Frientimacy, friendship expert Shasta Nelson describes the three key elements of a healthy, vibrant relationship: consistency, vulnerability, and positivity. If you provide the consistency with regular friend dates, Acts of Friendship can add a heaping helping of positivity along with plenty of opportunities for you and your friends to share your thoughts and feelings with each other in an open, accepting, and gratifying way.

Our mission is to inspire and energize you to support each other, to reduce stress, to increase personal growth, and to have fun. We hope that the activities in Acts of Friendship deepen your relationships, enrich your life, and create lasting memories, just as they did for us.

Here’s to raising each other up through friendship,

Lynne, Deb, and Julie

1

Take Your Cue

Follow your LOVES to a better life

I don’t believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.

Joseph Campbell

How important is it to do what you love rather than spending day after day doing what you’re only content to do? Will you be happier and live longer if you do what you love? Lissa Rankin, author of Your Inner Pilot Light, says that the most important medicine for mind and body is doing what fulfills and excites you: doing what you love lights you up, she says, and turns on your natural self-healing mechanism. In her TEDx talk, Rankin explains the science behind how the state of your life affects the state of your body. Her advice is to listen to your body’s whispers before they turn into life-threatening screams, and to trust your inner guidance.

Take Your Cue is about turning up the volume on the small voice inside that knows what you love, allowing its guidance to take you to the place where there is joy, and then using this joy to discover the activities that fill you with a sense of purpose. According to a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, a sense of purposefulness is associated with a longer lifespan. Over the course of the five-year study, people without a purpose were significantly more likely to die during that period than people with an aim in life that they loved and that excited them. Ikigai (pronounced icky-guy) is a Japanese concept meaning the reason for getting up in the morning. Having an ikigai is believed to be one of the reasons why the people of the Japanese island of Okinawa often live well into their nineties and beyond.

To begin this exciting journey of loving self-discovery that could potentially lead to a longer life, get together with your friends and a stack of blank cue cards (also known as index cards). Write I LOVE… at the top of each card in big, bold, capital letters and then complete the sentence with whatever comes to mind, one idea per card. Keep going without overthinking it, writing down the things you most adore. Filling out the first few cards may feel wobbly yet strangely exhilarating and familiar, like riding a bicycle for the first time in many years. Keep at it. Eventually the inner voice that’s repeating you don’t know what you love will tire, allowing a deeper knowing to break through with new ideas. It usually takes the voice of the inner critic ten minutes or so to become hoarse, so do this activity for at least twenty minutes. Don’t worry if you find it difficult: connecting with what you love, especially if you have spent many years drifting in another direction, is much harder than it looks.

After you’ve finished writing out your cards, take a breather. Chat with your friends about a few of your favorite things. Then, when you’re feeling refreshed and ready, go back to your cue cards and organize them into piles that seem to fit together. There are no right or wrong ways to categorize your cards, but themes in your life will begin to emerge, and you may have an aha moment. The benefits of Take Your Cue are twofold: first, you will be filled with gratitude for all the things you