Assertiveness Skills
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs
Podcast Host: Counselor Toolbox and Happiness Isn’t Brain Surgery
Find CEUs for this podcast on the Counselor Toolbox CEU spreadsheet
Objectives
~ Define Assertiveness
~ Overcoming the Stress Barrier
~ Overcoming the Social Barrier
~ Overcoming the Belief Barrier
~ Reality Check
~ Nonverbal behavior
~ Giving your opinion
~ Giving constructive (not critical) feedback
~ Making requests without trying to control
What is Assertiveness
~ Assertiveness means stating your feelings, wants and needs
~ Clearly
~ With ownership
~ With conviction…. (but…I don’t know…)
~ Assertive behavior may not be appropriate in all workplaces. Some organizational and national cultures may view assertive behavior as rude or even offensive.
~ Research has also suggested that gender can have a bearing on how assertive behavior is perceived, with men more likely to be rewarded for being assertive than women.
Advantages of Assertiveness
~ Assertiveness helps us feel good about ourselves and others
~ Assertiveness leads to the development of mutual respect with others
~ Assertiveness increases our self-esteem
~ Assertiveness helps us achieve our goals
~ Assertiveness minimizes hurting and alienating other people
~ Assertiveness reduces anxiety
~ Assertiveness protects us from being taken advantage of by others
~ Assertiveness enables us to make decisions and free choices in life
~ Assertiveness enables us to express, both verbally and non-verbally, a wide range of feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative
Why is Assertiveness Important
~ When people are passive or aggressive, their feelings wants and needs are often not heard
~ Direct aggression: bossy, arrogant, bulldozing, intolerant, opinionated, and overbearing
~ Indirect aggression: sarcastic, deceiving, ambiguous, insinuating, manipulative, and guilt-inducing
~ Submissive: wailing, moaning, helpless, passive, indecisive, and apologetic
~ Assertive: direct, honest, accepting, responsible, and spontaneous
~ This lead to feelings of:
~ Isolation
~ Resentment/Anger
~ Depression/Helplessness
The Stress Barrier: Fight, Flee or Freeze
~ Becoming assertive is stressful
~ You have to change the way you interact with others
~ Others have to change the way they interact with you
~ In the past when you were in a stressful situation did you withdraw? Become aggressive? Shut down?
~ The stress response is designed to protect you
~ Ignoring the urge to fight or flee is extremely difficult until assertiveness has proven itself.
The Social Barrier
~ People in your social circle expect you to act and react a certain way.
~ Changing your behavior confuses other people
~ Our egocentric society leads people to expect that if you change your behavior, it has to do with THEM
~ People strive for consistency.
~ If you used to be aggressive, they may interpret the change as depression, disengagement or exploitable weakness
~ If you used to be passive, they may interpret the change as rejection and push away
The Belief Barrier
~ Reality is 90% perception and 10% fact
~ Our interpretations greatly influence our reactions
~ What influences interpretations
~ Vulnerabilities (pain, exhaustion)
~ Prior learning experience
~ Transference and overgeneralization
~ The other person’s nonverbals
Why Not Be Assertive?
~ Failure to be assertive stems from:
~ Prior efforts to be assertive being punished
~ Fear of rejection
~ Nee