Marriage Counseling: 2 Manuscripts - Relationship Growth, Codependency. How to Help a Flawed Relationship by Setting Healthy Boundaries, Improving Communication, Sex Life and More!

Marriage Counseling

2 Manuscripts - Relationship Growth, Codependency. How to Help a Flawed Relationship by Setting Healthy Boundaries, Improving Communication, Sex Life and More!

Copyright 2018 by Jacob Costas- All rights reserved.

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Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1: The lines of communication

Chapter 2: Insecurity in relationships

Chapter 3: The importance of validation

Chapter 4: Conflicts and disagreements

Chapter 5: Closeness and intimacy

Chapter 6: The ingredients of a happy marriage

Chapter 7: Understanding marital conflicts

Chapter 8: Habits for healthy relationship growth

Conclusion

Codependency

Introduction

Chapter 1: What’s codependency and how do you know if you are being codependent?

Chapter 2: Starting the recovery process

Chapter 3: Building your self esteem

Stop Wishing the Other Person to Change

Chapter 4: Healing relationships with others

Chapter 5: Speaking up

Chapter 6: A practical twelve step program

Chapter 7: Ideas on what to do in case of a relapse

Conclusion

Relationship Advice Introduction

What Makes a Good Relationship ?

As human beings, we all have this inherent desire to connect with others and feel accepted. That is just how we are wired to behave. We thrive in knowing that others will be there for us even in the direst of situations. This is the reason why we feel an instant connection with people who know how to relate with us. There’s just something about being around a person who seems to understand our joys and our pains.

Nurturing this kind of connection is among the key ingredients of a good relationship. But what exactly is a good relationship between adults? In our lifetime, we inevitably have to deal with all sorts of adult relationships, but this book will focus on what is possibly the most significant one in our society –– the relationship between couples. This is the most important adult relationship that people will have in their lives. It is, after all, the foundation of families –– the nuclear units that make up our societies.

Good Relationships Start at Home

Families are typically our main source of life lessons as children. Home is where we learn about treating others fairly and respectfully, interacting with others in considerate ways, and compromising when things don’t go our way. Home can also be the place where we learn to do the opposite of all that. Thus, our family life has a lot to do with how our romantic relationships will eventually turn out.

As we all come from varying backgrounds, our expectations of what a good relationship is will most likely be different. In any case, all good relationships are generally built on clear communication, mutual respect, and trust. It’s all about knowing how to remain true to ourselves while striving for personal and mutual growth. It pushes us to learn how we can be open and vulnerable around someone without being afraid of having our pride and self-worth trampled on.

Learning How to Become a Keeper

Maintaining a good dynamic with your partner is not as easy as falling in love and getting into a relationship with them. Just because we know what it’s like to be crazy for this person, it doesn’t mean that having that feeling is enough to make the relationship last. The challenge lies in keeping each other interested once the honeymoon phase had passed.

Real adult relationships aren’t just about feelings and thrills. It requires hard work plus the consistent desire to grow with our partners even through the tough times. Although there is no one strategy that works for all couples, the love that is shared between them is mainly about learning how to give each other equal opportunities, equal responsibilities, and equal rights.

What ultimately makes a relationship good is deeply personal, but it primarily involves acknowledging each other’s needs and the willingness of both parties to meet in the middle. Sometimes it can be very challenging to do that, especially if you and your partner are not on the same page.

The solutions for making relationships work will not magically fall upon us. But today, because you are holding this book, you have just gotten closer to becoming a keeper –– or a dream lover, if that’s how you’d like to put it. Whether you are currently in a romantic relationship or not, the contents of this book can give you the chance to improve yourself and be the kind of person that others would love to be with.

Chapter 1: The lines of communication

Communication is key in keeping any relationship afloat. Whether it is with your significant other, family, friend, or colleague, expressing your thoughts and feelings in the clearest way possible is extremely important. Because communication is a two-way street, listening to them is as essential in maintaining peace, satisfaction, and transparency within the relationship.

Failing to communicate effectively will always result in unwanted problems. Sometimes, bad communication may even be a symptom of a bigger issue that both parties refuse to resolve. When you don’t talk to your partner about the things that are bothering you in your relationship, the root cause of the problem will often reveal itself in uglier ways when the time comes.

Putting Your Feelings in the Open

Being open with your feelings can be one of the toughest things you have to do when you’re in a romantic relationship –– or in any kind of relationship, for that matter. Perhaps there is something in the way we have been taught about feelings that makes us scared to admit that we have them.

If we grew up believing that we should stop feeling bad as soon as something goes wrong, or that we should just suck it up when we’re hurt, chances are, this is how we’re going to behave around others. Thus, when a problem arises, the only way we know how to respond is to hold things in and let the feelings pass –– without ever discussing it with the person concerned.

This is going to be a huge hurdle in building a successful romantic relationship. If you can’t manage to put your feelings in the open, or your partner can’t afford to express their feelings with you, how are you ever going to deal with the more complex problems in life? Refusing to reveal your true thoughts and feelings about a certain topic can only cause frustration, unnecessary stress, and at its worst, trust issues.

It can be really hard to unlearn the habit of not talking about what upsets you, especially if that’s how you’ve been wired to behave. However, just because you’re used to having that kind of response to problems, it doesn’t mean that you can’t ever become good at saying how you feel –– in a manner that gets you really heard.

The first step in getting over this obstacle is to accept that you have a right to feel things. You are entitled to your feelings of anger, disappointment, frustration, or guilt –– but it’s also essential to express them in a manner that doesn’t burn the house down.

The best way to communicate our feelings is to engage in non-violent communication (NVC) –– a system developed by psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg. This system can help anyone acknowledge their feelings and communicate them in a way that minimizes hostility and judgment. Here are Dr. Rosenberg’s 4 principles of non-violent communication:

Observation

When we’re dealing with a situation that upsets us, let us first focus on the facts at hand. Tempting as it may be, we should avoid judging those facts or assigning meaning to them right away. We are only going to hurt ourselves if we let our thoughts go on overdrive.

For example, if someone fails to show up on a pre-discussed date, that’s the only fact that you can observe for now. When you start to think that the person has no manners or that they probably just secretly hate you, you are putting judgment and meaning to your observations. These implications may or may not be true at all, but you have no way of confirming that now. It’s best to withhold judgment and stick to the facts if you plan to have an honest discussion about it with the person involved.

Feelings

We have to acknowledge our feelings and be honest about them without judging others as a response. Using the previous example, it’s totally understandable that you’d feel disrespected for being stood up. However, telling the other person that they don’t have manners for not showing up will immediately make them defensive because they will feel so judged.

In this scenario, it is more appropriate to focus on your feelings by using I feel _____, because... statements. This will allow you to emphasize the gravity of your emotions without tainting them with unnecessary judgments towards the other person.

Needs

It is important to realize that feelings ultimately come from unmet needs. To ensure that you’ll actually get the chance to have those needs met, you have to be direct when you communicate them with the person concerned.

For instance, you may feel upset and neglected when your partner comes home late from work all the time. To fix this, you decide to address this by saying, You’ve been spending too much time at the office to let them know that you aren’t seeing much of them anymore. However, they take this as a suggestion for them to unwind and have fun. The next day, they decide to take a day off and have some me time that is dedicated to a whole day of self-pampering.

This may still upset you if your true intention was to get them to spend more time with you. It’s a common myth that partners should readily get what you truly mean even when you don’t say the actual words. The truth is, you should be upfront with your needs because others can’t guess what you’re really asking of them.

Requests

Once you have recognized your needs, the next step is to express them in terms of requests instead of demands. If we expect other people to immediately know what we want and act in accordance with it, we aren’t really making it easier for them to understand where we’re coming from.

When we try our best to make our requests as clear as possible, it gives the other person a better idea of how they can act to grant those requests. It is important to keep in mind that these are just pointers to communicate your feelings better. It doesn’t exactly guarantee that your needs will be met afterwards. At the very least, trying to be transparent could get you in a much better place.

Again, effective communication is a two-way street. Knowing how to put your feelings in the open is a good place to start, but it doesn’t necessarily entitle you to anything. Ultimately, getting someone to make changes for you means thinking of their needs and feelings as well.

Listening to Your Partner’s Words

When your partner wants to say something, they would want you to hang on to their words –– especially if the issue at hand is that important to them. Sometimes, however, you may end up being so eager to express your point of view that you forget to see things from their perspective. As a result, they won’t feel like you’ve put in the effort to understand why they feel the way they do in the first place. That’s a sure way to make matters worse.

Listening is a big part of our daily interactions –– even more so when we constantly have to deal with people throughout the day. Unfortunately, many of us don’t actually know how to do it mindfully. We are usually taught how to read or speak better, but listening is a skill that rarely gets the clamor to be learned. The good thing is, you only need to make a few simple changes to notice a positive shift in your conversations.

Be in the Present Moment

It is essential that you give your partner your undivided attention when they’re talking to you, especially when it’s about something that matters a lot to them. If your mind is full of other responsibilities that inhibit you from listening completely, be honest and tell them that it’s best for you to talk at a later time –– when you can solely focus on what he or she has to say.

Don’t Interrupt Your Partner When They Speak

Don’t try to finish your partner’s sentences for them, even if you might be correct. This will only shut them off and discourage them from pressing on with the topic.

Interrupting your partner while they’re speaking is not helpful because it only shows how impatient you are. It shows how uninterested you actually are in their thoughts because you are just waiting for the chance to blurt out your opinions.

If you want your partner to keep sharing things with you, let them talk at their own pace. The moment you realize that you are cutting them off mid-sentence, using a condescending tone, and talking over them like you already know it all, stop immediately and it will lessen the likelihood of inflicting any further damage.

Simply Listen

When your partner chooses to tell you something valuable to them, listen. That’s it. They are usually not in it for your advice, your opinion, or any of your personal anecdotes. If they were, they’d probably just request for these things outright. Otherwise, it’s best if you just acknowledge what they’re saying without tainting the conversation with your experiences.

One of the best ways to maintain a