The Hitched Bitch's Guide: To Going from Fiancée to Badass Boss Wife

From Sasha Fierce Single Lady to Sexy and Sophisticated Mrs. Carter

Can I be honest with you guys? If there are three things I hate, it’s know-it-alls, people that waste my time, and—you probably would have never guessed it—the concept of change. For me, change and I have a love-hate relationship. I love the thrill and excitement that change brings me, but at the same damn time, I hate it because it forces me to move out of my comfort zone, which makes me quite uncomfortable given there are so many unknown factors in the future. This is one reason why I created the Personal Transformation Management process.

What I have found through my work as well as my own experience is that it’s not the change that we fear, but often the loss we personally associate with the change. Fear is one of the most common reasons for resistance to change because it can stop us from taking actions to bring about the change. As you can all imagine, taking the step and getting married is a major transition that will challenge your innermost fears. Whether it be anxiety about the big day, fear of loss of self, doubt of not being a good wife, concerns about if you’re choosing the right partner, or fear of having a failed marriage, all of these are fears we as women will have to face on our journey to becoming a wife.

As I mentioned, my background is in change management. I’ve been supporting organizations for over a decade on the principles and methodologies around change management to support smooth transitions of people impacted by major and minor changes at work. What I have found in both my personal and professional experience is that many of these principles are applicable to the personal transformation of women transitioning from girlfriend to fiancée to wife.

We talked a little bit about change management in the introduction, and to reiterate the concept, it focuses on tools and tactics that prepare, guide, transform, and support people through small- and large-scale changes. One of the things I like about change management is it provides you with a framework that you can adjust and customize by individual to make sure if you are experiencing change, you can do so in a manner that helps you feel in control, engaged, and comfortable with transitioning.

Now that you have a general understanding of change management, let’s talk about the Personal Transformation Management (PTM) process I’ve created. The PTM helps women make the transition from being single to being married by having them spend time in each stage to understand themselves, their needs, and their wants.

I created the PTM based on my own personal and professional experience. It dawned on me one day that many of the same principles I used for my clients were applicable to my personal challenges around change. I sat down and sketched out what my journey had been as a single woman and the different experiences I encountered before walking down the aisle. The PTM has been refined a bit, being that I was the initial guinea pig, but these concepts and stages are what helped me successfully transition and be more self-aware of what I needed to do to move from being a single woman to a wife.

On my own PTM, I realized there were certain check points or rather stages that I personally encountered that brought about different feelings, emotions, and reflections as I evolved into a new wife. I felt everything from excitement, to anger, to fear, to exhaustion, to anxiety, just to name a few of the emotions I encountered while being engaged. I realized that by being proactive and addressing each one of these feelings and emotions and sharing those with my partner would help me grow and not fear the change as I left my single life for a married one.

Given my experience, I wanted to share what helped me with other women so they can be better equipped to deal with the different emotions they may experience.

The PTM is a five-stage process. These five stages focus on the journey each woman will encounter as she becomes a wife.

I’ve created a visual diagram for you, as my readers, to understand the five stages of this process. You’ll learn more in each stage’s description, but overall the PTM curve symbolizes the emotional feelings and experiences women will encounter. The curve starts out relatively flat as women are in the Exploration stage. This is where women spend their time dating on their search for Mr. Right. You then land Mr. Right, and you start heading up the curve. You have finally found a guy you vibe with, and you both see spending a future together. He pops the question and you immediately head to your first peak on the PTM—the Paradise stage. In this stage, women feel like they’re at the top of their relationship, elated from the recent proposal and thought of marriage to Mr. Right. Soon many women hit the tip of the peak and realize they have a ton of diverse emotions, which sends them into a spiral and often a valley—the Contemplation stage. In this stage, women encounter feelings of happiness, sadness, anger, fear, and more. As a ball of emotions, women often feel clouded in their mindset as they sort out their feelings and how they will prepare themselves as wives. In this stage, women begin to address their feelings and find themselves moving out of the valley. Moving up the curve again, women make it to the Transition stage, which is a critical turning point where they have learned the tools and tactics to understand and address the feelings that may be holding them back from being open and ready to be a wife. Finally the last stage—Happily Ever After—leads women back up to the top of the peak. This is the final stage, where women will find themselves before they walk down the aisle. They have made time to experience their emotional journey and have tried their best to evolve and prepare themselves for marriage.

As you read further, you will find many women who share their experiences and how they were impacted by the different stages. You will also get advice from me, the Hitched Bitch, and seasoned experts who can provide practical guidance on what to do if you encounter certain experiences in an engagement or early marriage. I would like to say that not everyone experiences the same type of emotions and some PTM journeys are short, while other are quite long. Each of you is unique and should make sure you take time to go through each stage as you see fit to feel comfortable. Don’t rush your journey; take time for yourself and understand what you need to feel comfortable.

Stage One: Exploration

Cue the music, boys. Give me some Beyoncé: All the single ladies, all the single ladies…

In walk you and all your fabulous girlfriends in true Beyoncé style. You’re slayed to the heavens and you are playing the field, trying to find a guy that piques your interest. This stage focuses on you out on the dating scene, searching for Mr. Wonderful. This is your time to find that special partner you want to settle down with. Chemistry and timing is key. We are looking for that magical spark that says, This is the guy for me. During this stage, more often than not, we stumble upon that special someone, only to date them and then realize there’s no chemistry and certainly no hope for a future. On the flip side, perhaps you meet the partner of your dreams, but due to timing and the fact you both have different agendas, you meet for a brief moment and then you continue your journeys separately. As I reflect on my days of dating, I really focused on quantity, not quality initially. As a single girl in the Washington, DC metropolitan area, I noticed there were tons of young, educated, and very good-looking eligible bachelors. Initially, I was focused on how many dinner dates I could conquer in a week. Certainly this was fun at first, but quite exhausting over time. Dating tons of guys didn’t give me the opportunity to really stop and focus on what I wanted. I liked bragging to girlfriends that I’d been on four dinner and three lunch dates, but there was no chemistry. The only perks were the meals or events we attended together. One day I woke up and had a revelation: Things had to change. If I was serious about settling down, I had to be open, but also selective of the types of men I was going to entertain and date moving forward.

Exploration is the first major stage as you learn to understand who you are as a woman and what you are looking for in a life partner. You may be struggling in this stage to break old habits, old patterns, and not to mention, old flames. This is good as this stage challenges you to reflect on old patterns and start thinking about what you really want for your future. Doing deep self-reflection and having an understanding of who you are and what you want in a partner can legitimately lead to being in a long term relationship that results in marriage.

What’s interesting about the Exploration stage is that you can often get stuck in this phase if you don’t meet that special someone. Here we find two types of women: those who understand that change and compromise are needed to connect and build a long-term relationship resulting in marriage, and those who are change averse and continue to date, hoping to find a partner who meets their requirements. This is why some of us may encounter close friends and acquaintances who seem to be caught in this stage, dating for years with no prospects on the horizon. We all have that close girlfriend who continues to encounter the wrong partner and continues to be dealt a bad hand. One common pattern I have observed with these women is yes, they encounter their fair share of fuckboys, but at the same time, many (not all) of these women are not open to change. They aren’t open to changing their patterns, requirements, wants, needs, or the types of men they date, hence the continuous cycle of living in the Exploration stage. These are often some of the same women who say, If a man doesn’t like me for who I am, then screw it. I’m independent, single, and happy. Given this tough stance and mindset, it can be more challenging for women with this mentality to truly embrace the Exploration stage because they are limited in how they explore. They have guarded themselves, which can make it quite challenging to be open to experiencing and engaging different types of men that could be suitable partners.

The Exploration stage is a time to understand who you are, your personal history, the baggage you carry, and to understand how to break the cycle. It’s a time to understand the patterns and trends that keep women on the hamster wheel of dating. In this stage, women have to know what works for them. You can’t keep dating the same person in different forms. You have to be proactive and study the partners you are attracted to and really reflect on why they were not good fits for you. Taking time to understand why these partners did not meet all your wants, desires, and needs is critical. If you can’t do that, you will just repeat the cycle. I love liquor and shoe analogies, so I will put it this way: If all you date is tequila, and you constantly get sick by drinking tequila, regardless of where you buy it and how you drink it and when you drink it, here’s a tip—stop fucking drinking the tequila! I don’t care if it makes you feel good at the beginning of the night; if you always leave feeling horrible and you always have a hangover the next day, it’s no good, so stop. Tequila is not good for you. How about you find another spirit? Seems simple, but trust me, some women will still never get it. They think because they try different brands of tequila or because they sip it instead of mix it they aren’t repeating the cycle. Part of the Exploration stage is understanding your patterns and triggers and finding what is going to work for you.

Alternatively, women can be in a relationship that has plateaued, meaning both she and her partner are content and unwilling to take the next steps toward marriage. This could be for a number of reasons. We all know that couple that’s been together for a decade but won’t tie the knot. Most of the time they give excuses about it being finances, timing, someone’s in school, or someone travels too much, they are saving for the ring…blah, blah, blah. Most of the time when I hear those excuses I know it’s much deeper than what they are sharing. They are using these bigger excuses as a reason to slow down the change process because they may fear what the expectation will be if they decide to go all in and get married.

Ultimately it comes down to people being open to change and wanting to change their current state for an unknown future state. It’s comfortable to hang out and chill and date for a while, but the cool thing about dating is you always have the ability to leave; nothing is tying you down.

A key focus for the Exploration stage is to understand your personal history and who you are as a woman. Understanding who you are, what you like, and what you want to do will help you maintain your identity and feel comfortable and confident as you move forward and take the step of getting engaged. Additionally, not being tied to the small flaws of a potential partner can keep you open to meeting your perfect