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    Tea for Two...Hundred
    Tea for Two...Hundred
    Tea for Two...Hundred
    Ebook365 pages5 hours

    Tea for Two...Hundred

    By Susan Skylark

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    Just when you thought things couldn't get any zanier, someone publishes a second volume, but then the Standards necessitate that all novels come in triplicate so it was probably inevitable, but that's nothing compared to the conundrum in which Iris finds herself. Just when she's hitting her stride in her new occupation she's asked to resign for no reason and Things only get more interesting from there. Pay a visit to the most Dreaded Folk in the Wood and surviving that, to the even more dreaded heart of Elvendom, where boring isn't just for the poetry but is the Standard for everything. If that weren't enough, Iris must also deal with Outlandish Philosophers, magical kitchen staples, a sensible ball, and an aunt with an existential crisis. You never know what will happen next!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSusan Skylark
    Release dateMar 25, 2019
    ISBN9780463194478
    Tea for Two...Hundred
    Author

    Susan Skylark

    Once upon a time there was a sensible young lady who pursued a practical career, but finding it far less fulfilling than the proponents of the modern fairytale promulgate, she then married a clergyman, much to everyone’s astonishment, including her own, and in proper fairytale fashion keeps house for the mysterious gentleman in a far away land, spending most of her time in company with a very short, whimsical person who can almost speak English. She enjoys fantasy, fairy tales, and adventure stories and her writing reflects this quaint affectation. She considers Happy Endings (more or less) a requisite to good literature and sanity, though real stories never, truly end.

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      Book preview

      Tea for Two...Hundred - Susan Skylark

      Tea for Two...Hundred

      Susan Skylark

      Copyright 2019 Susan Skylark

      Smashwords Edition

      Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

      Table of Contents:

      Mission Improbable

      Here There Be Dragons

      The Dragon’s Wife

      In Which Auntishness is Seriously Questioned

      In Which Dancing is Not Tedious

      Of Wayward Beasts

      Mildred’s Dilemma

      Tea Worse than Death

      Revenge of the Yeti

      In Which There is Justice

      Outlandisher and Outlandisher

      To the Thousandth Generation

      Complications

      Artifacts of One Sort or Another

      Those Who Skulk in Shadows

      The Dread Folk

      Who Dares Summon an Aunt?

      Cats as Cats Can

      Natty Bumpkins

      Dealing with Aunts, Wizards, and Dragons

      Adventure For Sale

      Tea for Two Hundred

      Dreadful but not Apocalyptic

      Of Balls Sensible, and Not

      Plot and Counterplot

      Other Books By This Author

      ‘The Last Shadow,’ Excerpt

      The Pallid Knight (‘The Greylands: Volume V,’ Excerpt)

      ‘Once a Thief’ Excerpt

      ‘On Sleeping Beauties: A Foible’, Excerpt

      Wisdom’s Children (a Story from ‘Over the Hills and Far Away’)

      Mission Improbable

      It was a fate unbefitting such a drab, unexciting creature as aunts are rumored to be, but perhaps the perpetrator can be forgiven in that his victim had not yet had the audacity to pursue that particular career, nor would she apparently have much chance to do so, or much anything else for that matter, at least if her father could help it. He, on the other hand, had schemes and plots that were great indeed! Unfortunately, all that stood between him and ultimate power was a little family business of a rather messy sort, but once that minor detail was resolved, he was quite ready to move on to world conquest, or so he had been led to believe. But there were a few rather troubling details, mere trifles certainly, he had refused to notice in his enthusiasm and haste in striking this fell bargain, and they were not of the sort one could just stuff casually in a drawer and forget about, not if certain powers-that-be had anything to say in the matter. But at least it would be another 500 years before he had to worry about such Things, by then he should be able to come up with an acceptable solution, of this he was quite sure, or at least so he consoled himself. And what was that compared to ultimate power?

      Aunt Mildred looked grim, even for a Thrice Great Aunt, she knew the sordid details of this particular clan’s origins, had lived it in fact or rather hadn’t, but that wasn’t what was troubling her, she hated losing her people, something most any good General could appreciate, but she wasn’t just any General nor were those under her command nameless minions and foot soldiers, waiting to be hewn down in their thousands. Death was no longer a mortal terror to them, rather it was merely an annoying acquaintance that popped in every now and again, usually at the least convenient times, much like its cousin Taxes, and though neither could be utterly ignored, neither was it something to be dreaded, at least any more than any other tedious friend or distant relation. Her people didn’t die, at least permanently, though they might perhaps retire, but that’s just what she had been ordered to ask. And the unfortunate soul to whom this duty had been assigned would undoubtedly say yes, because there could be no other answer, for it was their duty and their honor and could answer nothing but.

      With an unenviable sigh, that Greatest of All Aunts steeled herself to the terrible task before her, thinking she might as well get it over with as soon as possible for all their sakes. You want me to what? gasped my Lady Iris in astonishment at the perplexing statement just uttered by the other lady in the carriage, if an aunt can also be a lady?, one of the great unanswered questions of the ages to be sure.

      Such was my reaction too, said Mildred, as grimly as only an Aunt who is also a General, if not a lady, can contrive to be, but those are our orders. Will you do it?

      I don’t see that I have much choice, said Iris sadly.

      You don’t, agreed that particular Aunt, at least if you want to remain in this service.

      Iris could not help but grin wryly at the irony, as a man mounting the gallows is wry, but neither can I remain in this service if I agree.

      The Iron Lady could not help but catch the humor, morbid and desperate though it be, at least it does not lack in irony.

      I had only just begun to figure things out, sighed milady Iris wistfully, there was that grim smile again, perhaps that is the problem?

      Undoubtedly, agreed Mildred just as gravely, I think there is something written into the very fabric of creation requiring something quite unexpected to occur the very moment we feel we are finally hitting our stride.

      I knew it! triumphed Iris, adding thoughtfully, Though it will be Ages before Theoretical Physics ever gets around to figuring it out and making a proper Law out of it. Changing quickly from such an interesting topic lest they be lost thereupon forever, she returned to the disturbing assignment broached by the birdlike little General, or was it a general-like little Bird? Either way, it did not make the prospect any easier, said she, I’m just to abandon it all, as if none of this has ever been? Return to mortal life, abandon the Messengers, and be a clueless girl once more?

      Yes, said that grim lady, save for the clueless part. You won’t lose your wits, at least I hope you won’t or this whole exercise is futile. The fate of the world, or at least this particular corner of it, may well depend upon just that.

      This isn’t just an undercover assignment? queried she hopefully, Like impersonating a vampire or a dowager or even a housemaid?

      No, said Mildred grimly, you’ll be well and truly mortal, only thereby can you accomplish what you must, because you can’t do what you must unless you are free of all the constraints that encumber a Messenger.

      Constraints? asked Iris in surprised amusement, I thought it was mortality that was constraining?

      It depends how you look at it, agreed the Aunt of Greatness, a mortal can’t thwart death, walk through walls, or cheat time, but then a Messenger can’t marry, have children, rule a Kingdom, or die for a cause.

      What about when all this is over? asked Iris, Can I reenlist?

      It’s never been done to my knowledge, said Mildred pensively, but then I’ve never heard of an assignment like this either. Once you’ve joined the Messengers, you are either an active member of the order or you choose to Go, nobody has ever returned to a regular mortal life before, at least that I’m aware of. But this is an official assignment, so perhaps that makes all the difference? I can’t promise anything of course, as this is most certainly a case of Theoretical Metaphysics, but perhaps you could at that.

      Iris smiled grimly, either that or it’ll be a forced retirement.

      Which isn’t a bad thing, mused Mildred, almost wistfully, if such practical creatures as Aunts and Generals can ever be called something so sentimental and romantic, not in the least.

      Suddenly Iris’s heart ached for that very thing, she’d had many strange and wonderful adventures in this service, but nothing compared to whatever awaited Beyond, but for the moment, she had her duty to do. Asked she curiously, finally starting to warm to the idea, hoping it would at least be her grandest adventure yet, I’m not to go back and live a quiet, unassuming little life now am I?

      Child, laughed Mildred in spite of herself, when has anything in your life, particularly amongst the Messengers, been what one might call normal, by any stretch of the definition?

      At least there’s that, sighed Iris in relief, but I will miss you all.

      Neither will you go alone, chuckled that no longer grim specter of an Aunt, it would not do, not in the least! Even the Standards frown upon unescorted young ladies venturing forth alone, even within the confines of their own house!

      Oh dear! said Iris, suddenly realizing what this dread aunt intended, Not again?

      Her smile was mirth itself, most certainly! It will be quite an interesting study, I don’t think anyone has ever closely observed the habits of a lapsed Messenger before.

      At least it is a role with which I am familiar, mused Iris, though she grimaced slightly and added, save being a specimen for scientific observation, she smiled bemusedly, wondering idly how many times the seemingly ancient aunt intended to accompany her ward into proper society in hopes of marrying the poor girl off, they had to be close to breaking the record. Her eyes narrowed, why was I chosen to play this part?

      It is a part you are well equipped to play, began Mildred, and you are of the female persuasion, which is also vital to this role. You have also never actually died of natural causes, which means, at least in theory, that you can yet do just that. At Iris’s perplexed frown, that vexing lady continued, mortal man is only allowed to die once. You’ve died countless times as an immortal person, but never once as a mortal person. And I know you consider your initiation into the Messengers as the right and proper end of your mortal career, and so it was, at least until now, but you did not technically die. Unmade might be a better term.

      It seems this will be quite the exercise in Theoretical Metaphysics, said Iris dazedly, as if she felt a headache coming on, I’d best get on with it then, lest my head explode if things get any more peculiar and make this whole exercise moot. At which she did quite literally pass out, though I suppose the more proper phraseology, at least befitting a young lady of her wealth and station, would be to say that she quite properly fainted, though she had vowed long ago never to do anything half so silly and socially prescribed.

      She soon roused to find Great Aunt Mildred crouching over her threateningly with a washbasin half full of dirty water, ready to douse her wayward charge should she not awaken in a timely manner. She nodded curtly and set aside the washbasin, much to her disappointment and Iris’s relief, and then smiled grimly, facing her ward, I hope you are much recovered, my dear?

      Iris glanced around furtively, taking in the posh sitting room and the waiting servants, who though seeing everything but pretending to be completely oblivious, were as disappointed as poor Mildred to see the washbasin returned to its proper place, its contents unused. What happened? asked Iris, with no need to feign confusion and weakness.

      You fainted, said the Aunt bluntly.

      How dreadful! said Iris grimly, but adding as an afterthought, Though I suppose unsurprising.

      Indeed, agreed Mildred, but for no reason the servants could even begin to comprehend.

      I think some tea is in order, amended Iris.

      Certainly, nodded Mildred, glancing significantly, though needlessly, at the servants, for ‘tea’ was a magic word and no sooner was it spoken than it appeared.

      After a pleasant half hour of vapid pleasantries, but much revived by tea and sandwiches, Iris was ready to face her doom with relative cheer. Have we any plans, Aunt? asked she as meekly as she could muster, feeling very much like a lioness trying to pass itself off as a kitten.

      Have you indeed forgotten, child!? said that dread Aunt in delightfully feigned horror, Tonight is The Party, the much anticipated, long awaited, eagerly yearned for, festivity of the week at least, perhaps even of the month!

      Quite, said Iris primly.

      There’s a good girl, fawned that anything but obsequious aunt, now why don’t you go get ready, this could be the night!

      We can only hope, said Iris, trying to keep from sounding utterly dry, when her new persona certainly had no comprehension of such a concept, but if Mildred could wax sentimental, she must try and act the brainless bit of fluff she appeared, but she dutifully left the room to prepare for whatever doom awaited her at the hands of her personal maid.

      Some hours later she was ready, or so the rest of the household assured her, personally she’d rather face the Queen’s headsman again, but that did not seem to be on the night’s agenda so she allowed Mildred to escort her whither she would. Once they were safely alone in the coach, Iris asked eagerly, so is there anyone in particular you’d like to marry me off to?

      Actually there is, said Mildred grimly, not at all the eager, scheming Aunt and General she should have been on the cusp of such an adventure.

      Why so grim? queried the flummoxed minion.

      Because I know what hides behind the benign visage, the evil that lurks at the heart of this seemingly venerable family, replied Mildred, I know what comes of their innocent victims.

      Iris was quite astounded, not that she was about to be flung into a very dangerous and sinister plot, for such was the very nature of her service, even if she was no longer a true Messenger, even in this reduced state, she wouldn’t be having this particular adventure were it not necessarily out of the ordinary, it must be such by its very definition, nay, what astonished her was the complete heartbreak and pain in the venerable old lady’s eyes and voice. Said Iris quietly, this is personal, isn’t it?

      Quite, said Mildred, and I fear they will do to you what once they did to me.

      And that well may be the end of it, said Iris, even more quietly, if that were possible. She rounded on her disquiet fears, called her recalcitrant thoughts to order, and said, brightly as she could, but it won’t be the end of me, whatever betide. We both have our duty, milady, and we can’t do it moping about, fearing the future or dreading the past.

      It was the Aunt’s turn to be scandalized, said she quietly, like a dagger in the heart is quiet, which of us is the Grim Aunt, me dear?

      Iris could not help but laugh, much better, General! Indeed, if this be our last adventure together, let it be a grand one.

      A most excellent proposal, agreed Mildred, in a contented state of auntliness once more, we shall implement it immediately, and you know I am never one to disobey an order, especially one of my own.

      And I have no choice, said Iris, in feigned dismay, be ye my chaperone or my General, I’m equally as doomed.

      I am glad you understand your predicament so thoroughly, grinned Mildred, at last beginning to relish what was to come.

      Darke stood about with the other idle observers as the feckless young things and their assorted chaperones paraded in, were announced, and then joined the swirling mass of humanity that comprised a ball. He was on the hunt, but so far he had not found prey worth pursuing. Had he, like a feral predator, sought out the young, the sick, the weak, the old, the vulnerable, he would have prey aplenty, but such was not for him. He wanted something, or rather someone, who, while certainly unprotected and friendless thus the more easily overlooked and unmissed, was sensible, strong, vibrant, and flexible. He didn’t seek a witless bunny or a hapless fawn, he wanted a lioness, but with each passing generation, such creatures were becoming rarer and rarer, he began to wonder if they were not altogether extinct.

      He had about given up hope that the evening, if not society itself, could be considered anything but a complete and utter waste of time and effort, when he saw her. But it wasn’t a proud young lion that caught his eye, rather it was quite an old cat, one who had been around the barnyard for ages and well she knew it. He could not help but smile in anticipation, that old harpy must have a chick in her untender care, else she wouldn’t be found in such a place as this, now if only the fledgling was an eaglet rather than a sparrow. He plunged into the crowd and nearly leapt upon the old soldier, guised as nothing more dreadful than a rather prim little aunt, glancing about eagerly for her ward.

      She wasn’t much to look at, her appearance was as flimsy and fashionable as any of the countless females that swarmed about the place, but when his eyes met hers, he took an unwitting step back at the fire writ therein. He could not help but smile, for here there be dragons!

      Here There Be Dragons

      Her return smile was equally eager and curious, but he turned his eagle’s gaze upon the Auntish-type person that they might proceed as those dratted Standards, and most of the world’s aunts, seemed to demand. After the tiresome business of introductions was accomplished, to the satisfaction of no one in that particular party, but at least any onlookers should be contented, of a mutual though unspoken accord, they all made their way out of the sea of humanity to a forgotten corner of the veranda where they might speak at length, hopefully upon topics most dire, for Iris highly doubted such a curious personage could speak of the weather with any true passion.

      Will you come away with me, milady? was the first thing he said, save for the social niceties of a proper first meeting.

      That’s a little presumptuous, sir, said the Iron Lady primly.

      Oh hush, Aunt, said Iris in great delight, don’t you know an adventure when you see one?

      Yes, said Mildred the Inexorable, and as a species, Aunts are dead set against such things.

      As is right and proper, agreed Darke, so you will not be joining us then?

      Mildred smiled dryly, I don’t know which is worse, sir, for an Aunt to have an adventure or for her to stay safely behind while her ward goes off to have one unescorted?

      It is rather a puzzle at that, agreed he, the girl must come now that she has agreed to it, but you are free to do whatever the Standards deem appropriate.

      Oh stuff the Standards, grinned that rather unauntish person most ferally, she can’t go off having adventures quite yet without proper supervision, even if taking an aunt on an adventure just isn’t done. So either we must start a new trend or declare this not an adventure or myself not an aunt, whatever makes you happy, I care not. Let’s go.

      Most readily madam, grinned he, offering each lady an arm and escorting them jovially from the hot and stuffy gathering, all thoroughly over-peopled for a very long time to come. Once they were outside and able to breathe freely, he turned to the young lady and said, regret heavy in his voice, you did promise, milady, as unseemly as this might seem, remember that. Mildred reached instinctively for a sword that wasn’t there even as the man lunged at Iris, who was too confounded at such a perplexing statement to do aught but stare dumbly at the man, like a bird entranced by a snake.

      She screamed in pain and then fainted again, the second time in the same day, this was becoming a dreadful habit, at this rate she’d soon be a proper socialite! Mildred knelt beside her senseless ward, frowning to find no worse a wound than a slightly bleeding laceration on one of the girl’s forearms. She looked a question at Darke, only to shudder involuntarily when he wrinkled his upper lip at her, a veritable snarl, revealing his far too numerous and pointy teeth, red with blood. You bit her?! said Mildred in wonder, Why?

      Because she promised to come, said he, looking now nothing but a rather quiet man once more, and she can’t come else. It isn’t allowed.

      What of me? queried the Mildred, beginning to comprehend what was afoot.

      Mortals aren’t allowed upon the Mountain, said he grimly, you’ll have to submit to the same, if you still want to come?

      I can’t abandon the fool girl or this adventure either, said Mildred just as gravely, asked she curiously, why give me the chance to reconsider?

      You have a choice, said he, she doesn’t. You at least should make an informed decision.

      What are you? asked that grimalkin, curious as her namesake.

      A Thing, said he, revealing his teeth anew.

      What sort of Thing? sighed that longsuffering Aunt, as only a thrice great aunt can when the victim of her interrogations isn’t being precise enough with his answers.

      He actually smiled at her, know you aught of Things, then? I thought Things were even more contrary to auntishness than adventures?

      Not when said Aunt is a Thing, replied Mildred cheerily, now come, tell me your secret lest I be forced to make up my own version of matters and embarrass us all. The bite would suggest something akin to vampires or werewolves, though I can’t comprehend why either would be interested in my young companion.

      What sort of a Thing are you, milady? asked he in reply.

      She smiled like the old cat she was, just know I am neither mortal nor susceptible to your particular sort of magic or curse, whatever it be.

      I suppose that must suffice for now, said he, not a little disappointed, but I shall tell our story as we travel. She nodded at the sense of his suggestion, as it would both save time and comment, should their peculiar situation be observed or their words overheard. He easily lifted the senseless girl and carried her into his coach, Mildred close on his heels. Once they were safely away from prying ears and eyes, he began, you are quite correct in thinking my people are akin to werewolves, but rather than wolves, we are dragons.

      Said she, quite astonished, but at more than his revelation of a unique race of Things, I had never imagined such a Thing!

      The girl will marry my youngest master, continued he, you may continue in your role as servant and companion, if you will?

      Certainly, said Mildred grimly, someone must keep her out of mischief, and that’s what aunts do best.

      You are a rather perplexing creature, even for an Aunt, said he curiously, with no little amusement tingeing his voice.

      She smiled wryly at him, in that I am not horrified that you have just kidnapped my ward and transformed her into a Thing or that I willingly keep company with a mortal creature when I am not such myself?

      All of the above, nodded he in approval of her sharp wit, but if you will not tell me what you are, then I must be allowed to guess, as was your prerogative, so now it is mine.

      By all means, sir, said she in anticipation, but I do not think you will be long in discovering my secrets, should you wish to.

      It was his turn to smile wryly, you can be nothing but what the vampires call the Bloodless, none else would willingly accompany a mortal child save at the last end of need, perhaps not even then.

      She did not bother to tell him he was right, for they both knew his reasoning was only too sound, said she instead, you seem a rather reasonable fellow to have such masters.

      He grew suddenly cold and turned his steely eyes upon her, what know you of my masters and who are you to judge?

      Birdlike she might be, but she was no cringing sparrow, rather an eagle whose territory had been intruded, he could not help but smile as she met him glare for glare, saying quietly, as death is quiet, perhaps nothing of the latter generations, but of your founder quite enough to chill the blood of any listening ear.

      His mien grew less chill, but more grave, glancing regretfully at the sleeping girl, before saying, in that you speak truly, milady. The Eldest is certainly a grim and fearsome creature and not to be trifled with, we his sons and servants, in general are of a much nobler mien, as we have tried to choose our brides and companions well. I fear the girl may very well suffer in the Eldest’s stead when the Price comes due. It would be unfair to keep either of you ignorant in this matter, though there is little enough to be done about it.

      You had best tell me everything, said she, curious and grim, wondering what the full tale would be when once told.

      He smiled gravely, "did I not promise you just that? Here then is the tale of my people, such as it is. The Eldest was once a mortal man, as common a fellow as ever there was, but it was not enough, he like every striving heart, was discontent in what he had found in life and wanted more, what he could not say, but what he had was certainly not enough. Instead of trying a new hobby or finding different friends or moving to another country or taking a mistress or making his fortune, or whatever it is that men vainly try to fill the aching gap in their souls, he decided true happiness lay beyond the ken of mortals.

      His wife had died some years prior, leaving him a single child, a daughter not yet twenty. He took the poor creature, and using her blood and the dark magic leant him by some grim servant of evil, founded our race. But as you are probably well aware, such a bargain always has strings attached. Hence the Price, he was given 500 years to enjoy his newfound power and immortality, but at the end of that time, he will be required to meet the Blood Price anew or he will go mad and become a terrible monster, before which the world will stand helpless.

      He may sacrifice one of his own people every hundred years henceforth to meet the Price and all shall remain as it ever has. One of our own people may step up voluntarily and sacrifice themselves, thus breaking the spell and reducing us all to mortal men, and thereby dooming most of us, for we are far older than the hundred years allotted to men. Or the Eldest could himself pay the price, forever satisfying the price of blood, absolving us of his blood guilt, and allowing the rest of us to live on in our current state. He gazed sadly upon the sleeping daughter of men and said solemnly, the girl will wed the youngest Prince, but how long she will live, is yet to be seen."

      I assume the Price must be met soon? queried Mildred.

      Before the year is out, nodded he.

      And what of your Eldest? asked she, Has he much changed in 500 years? Has he found what he sought? Does he regret what he has done? Will he continue to demand of others a price he is not willing to pay himself?

      Darke shook his head grimly, I cannot answer your questions lady, he is very withdrawn and secretive. He lurks in his own chambers and often does not emerge for years at a time. He keeps his own counsel in all matters, most particularly upon such an awful matter as the Price.

      I see, sighed Mildred, at least his descendants seem to be of a nobler mien, at least if I might judge from the sole representative I have yet encountered?

      Yes, said he, as I said, we have been very careful in the education of our offspring and in the selection thereof be it servants or brides, for we knew if the Eldest’s darker propensities were not countered, our race would grow loathsome indeed.

      How is it you have managed so well without the Eldest’s cooperation or consent? Unless he is of a mind with his forward thinking minions? mused she.

      I do not know what his thoughts or feelings are upon the matter, perhaps he regrets what his power cost another? said he quietly, But soon afterwards he withdrew from all society and interactions with anyone, even the race he had helped birth, leaving us to govern ourselves.

      And how was it your race multiplied and such sensible heads planned a brighter future for a race that began in death, blood, and evil? asked she in wonder.

      He glanced significantly at the girl, before replying, "our bite, when intentionally inflicted, will transform a mortal creature into one of our race. If we marry, a single child might be

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