I Love You...Who Is Fooling Whom?

Introduction

When you talk about relationship, one thing comes to mind: dating. However, relationship goes beyond dating. Relationship can be defined by words like interaction, alliance, bond, etc. Apart from dating as a form of intimate relationship, many other forms of relationship exist. Types of relationship include:

Personal relationships

Family relationships

Social relationships

Intimate relationships

Spiritual relationships

All of these forms of relationship play a huge role in an individual’s life. We will take a look at one type of relationship that largely affects many, both young and old, all around the world: intimate relationship. Intimate relationships include marriage, courtship and of course, dating, which happens to be the rave amongst the youth today and which will be our main focus in this piece. Through the course of this book, relationship and dating will be used interchangeably. Before we delve into what relationship (dating) is or isn’t, one question needs to be tackled: what is God’s view on relationship?

What Does God Say About Relationship?

It might interest you to know that in biblical times, the youth did not date. If a man liked a woman, he went straight to her father and before you knew it, they were engaged! The man didn’t need to take her out or call her or chat or even bother about what to get her on her birthday or Valentine’s Day like today’s youth. This doesn’t mean that the people in the Bible loved any less than we do now, no! Some men in those times even proved to be better at loving than we are today. A good example of this is Jacob, who fell in love with Rachel and had to serve for fourteen years to marry her (Genesis 29). Though the Bible never mentioned the word dating, God still has something to say about relationship.

But seek first... (Matthew 6: 33)

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers... (2 Corinthians 6: 14)

Do not be misled: Bad company corrupts good character." (1 Corinthians 15: 33)

Flee from sexual immorality… (1 Corinthians 6: 18, 1 Thessalonians 4: 3-5, Ephesians 5: 3)

Set an example in conduct (1 Timothy 4: 11-12)

Can you be happy in a relationship without sex? The world says no! God says yes! Yes, there is chemistry between you and your significant other; yes, there is a strong attraction; yes, others are doing it; and yes, people think that not having sex in a relationship is dumb; but no, it doesn’t make it right. Here is what I think about sex before marriage: it is like opening Christmas gifts in November. Furthermore, are you willing to risk sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, unhappiness, single parenthood, and the ruin of your lovely relationship – just for a moment’s pleasure? Worse of all, are you willing to disobey God? Get a copy of my book Let’s Talk About Sex. If your answer is no, then you must flee from sexual immorality! Joseph did so and though it wasn’t easy, it did him a world of good! (Genesis 39)

The word of God is a two-edged sword and I believe that if you search the scriptures, you will find even more inspiring messages from God. Now that we know God’s view on relationship, let’s take a look at the basic rules for every successful relationship.

Basic Rules For Successful Relationships

In the face of hardship, which causes thousands of divorces and breakups each year, some couples stay strong and the attraction between them becomes stronger than when they first met. As a youth, I desperately wanted this type of relationship. This desire led me on a quest to discovering what made these couples stay strong; when the world gave them the option of changing partners at any time. Here is what I discovered.

Friendship (Proverbs 17: 17, Proverbs 18: 24): Before you enter into a relationship, you should consider these statements –

After the butterflies in my stomach fly away

After I grow used to his/her beauty

After years have passed, and

After the blows of reality have hit

Can I still laugh with this person? Can I talk with him/her? Can I stand his/her presence?". Friendship will keep your relationship strong in the absence of ‘chemistry’.

Work (James 2: 26): No matter how much you want a happy relationship or the picture perfect family, it would never happen without work, very hard work. Most successful relationships are like Ferraris, beautiful on the outside and smooth in its workings, but on the inside you see the gears and engine pumping steam and oil to make it work. Working in a relationship involves not forcing one another to change, but rather working to improve your character for one another. You should know one thing about work – it exists in every relationship. So, instead of quitting, work at your relationship because if you enter into another one, you’ll just have to start the work all over again.

Give: A relationship in which both individuals give freely will never lack in love, laughter, or happiness. Learn to give not just material things but also the highest gift of life (John 15: 13). The Bible says that if you are willing to lay down your life for that friend, then there is no love greater than yours!

Let go: In every successful relationship, the concept of letting go is vital. Learn to let go of the past, of hurts and of unmet expectations. Many relationships that lacked this feature have been broken in the face of trials.

Play/Pray: A relationship in which people play and pray together, stays together. Do you know what makes a child young? It is the hours of play and laughter; it is the belief that all things are possible. Playing will maintain the vigor of your relationship, while praying (believing) will strengthen your relationship.

Communicate: A lot of people have a misconceived notion of what communication in a relationship really is. It is not all about talking about your feelings and expecting your partner to make changes so that you can be happy. It is about talking to your partner and listening to your partner talk to you in return. It is also about each individual taking the issues communicated to him/her and addressing them, not just for your own happiness, but for the happiness of the other.

These basic rules plus God’s word leads to very happy and unending relationships. Even if you’re already in one that doesn’t have these qualities, you can always start working on introducing them. However, you should also learn to recognize warning signals in a relationship.

Warning Signals In A Relationship

You should never be afraid of breaking away from an unfruitful relationship. Don’t ever think that you can change a person who is unwilling to change; it has never been a successful experiment. Learn to recognize warning signs, break out and wait for the best because the best for you will come.

Here are important warning signals in a relationship:

Significant difference in life interests

Secrecy or lack of trust

Abuse (mental, verbal, physical or otherwise)

Emotional depression

Lack of communication

Unaddressed harmful habits

Dominance/controlling behavior

These warning signs should tell you that it is time to let go of a relationship or you may face a world of hurt or unhappiness. When you finally break out of a relationship, don’t isolate yourself; socialize, and most importantly, work at developing yourself. Once this is done, you are well on your way to happily ever after.

God’s Guide To Happily Ever After

God is the creator of man, and as our creator, He has given us a user’s manual that guarantees fulfillment in every aspect of our lives. That user’s manual is the Bible. Psalm 119: 105 says,

Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light for my path.

As a youth, I searched the Bible for what I consider to be the ultimate Bible passage on love and when I found it, I applied it to my relationship; it worked wonders! That Bible passage is 1 Corinthians 13. This Bible passage will transform not just your relationship, but your life!

God is love; therefore, you can only know love and how to love by knowing God. Once you know God and you are a matured believer, you can go into the right relationship with the assurance that God is able to do exceedingly and abundantly above all that you could ever ask or imagine!

Prayer

Father, it is your will that I have a happy and satisfying relationship at the right time. Guide me in my choices and grant me the wisdom needed for a successful relationship through your word…in Jesus name. Amen!

Chapter One

Why Talk About Love?

Let’s time travel for just a moment. The year is 1950. There is a moderate-sized brick home at the end of the street in a quiet neighborhood. Children play in the back yard, and when called to come into the house for family dinner time, they obediently respond in a respectful way. Both parents are present, and a polite family dinner begins. Dad compliments Mom on her good cooking, and Mom shows an interest in pleasing Dad. The children share their success stories from their day at school…

Now, let’s fast-forward to our modern day. The same brick home still sits in the same neighborhood, but it is now occupied by new owners. The mother in this new family is tired from trying to keep up with a full-time job outside of the home, a full-time job house-keeping inside the home, and yet another full-time job of raising the children as a single parent. Her mate of ten years decided that he was tired of staying home on the weekends with three young children who competed for his constant attention. He needed to do his own thing – to enjoy his life before the best years are gone. His wife of ten years wasn’t as physically inviting as she was before giving birth to three babies, and she seldom took the time to dress up or make herself more attractive as she once did. She was tired, irritable, overweight, and didn’t seem to have much of an interest in him anymore…so he found someone who did.

The children each have their own rooms where they watch their own TV until late hours of the night – even on school nights. The family seldom sits at the table for a meal together: each member grabs a snack from the kitchen and heads to his own room or into the living room in front of the entertainment center. Instead of using titles of respect to address their mother, the children use hurtful, unkind words that echo the ingratitude and anarchy of the whole generation.

Societal values have changed drastically in the past three or four decades. While there may be many different reasons for the deterioration of the typical home scenario described above, one of the most dominant reasons for the breakdown of the family is that people in general no longer know how to love one another. Our lives tend to be me- oriented, and the thought of putting others first is foreign – even appalling to many – when compared to the take care of #1 training that dominates our society.

Where is all of this me-first behavior coming from? What happened to the dream life we were so sure would follow us from those carefree head- over-heels teenage years into the exciting years of marriage, home buying, and child rearing? Somewhere, somehow, the happily-ever-after was shattered by the reality of living in a world with a me-first philosophy and unrestrained passion, which left little room for understanding what true love really is.

The result of such self-love and uncontrolled lust has resulted in countless cases of broken homes, ruined relationships, damaged children and a decaying culture. It is a vicious cycle that has spiraled downward and out of control until our entire society has become basically dysfunctional. Is that the bottom line? Is there no hope of recovery for such a culture in the future?

There is hope. Society in general could be healed of its love-sickness if each basic unit of society were healed. The world would be a better place if the basic unit of society, the family, were simply grounded in love – true love. In my book "Let’s Talk About Sex" true love is described as follows:

Love is a deep, compassionate (not to be confused with passionate) caring for someone. It hopes the best for them. It wants