Mommyfesto: We Solemnly Swear ($%*!) . . . Because We Have Kids: A Book about the Reality of Parenting
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About this ebook
A Band-Aid and a kiss solve most daily crises. So does talking like a pirate.
Expectations of child rearing should be thrown out the window. It’s better than throwing out your child.
If you can survive parented piano lessons, you can survive a zombie apocalypse.
And much more!
Mommyfesto offers parents the opportunity to laugh at the absurdity of childrearing and to realize there is no right way to do it. Blank pages in the back of the book encourage moms (and dads, too!) to add their beliefs—whether bizarre, funny, or even serious—to the book, making this a go-to guide for generations of crazed parents.
Leanne's blog, IronicMom.com, was recently declared the Best Humour Blog by the Canadian Weblog Awards, a juried competition. IronicMom.com garners 8,000–13,000 hits per month and has been featured on high-traffic sites such as The Christian Science Monitor, ProBlogger, Wordpress’ home page, Canadian Family, CBC, the Calgary Herald, and Sweet Mama. IronicMom.com was recognized as one of the top five new blogs by the Canadian Weblog Awards (2010) and as the top parenting blog in Calgary (a city of over 1 million people) and as the Most Laugh–Out–Loud Funny blog by Sweet Mama, a popular Canadian website.
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Book preview
Mommyfesto - Leanne Shirtliffe
PART 1
WELCOME TO THE BEGINNING . . .
of the End of Your Life
If you can’t laugh at yourself, laugh at your kids.
If you can’t laugh at your kids, HIDE IN THE BATHROOM.
PUTTING YOURSELF IN TIMEOUT IS A VIABLE PARENTING STRATEGY. SO IS MIXING
YOURSELF A MARTINI.
The short–term goal of parenting is not to keep the proverbial balls in the air; it’s to keep sight of them as they scatter and roll into the gutter.
THE LONG–TERM GOAL OF PARENTING IS TO TRAIN YOUR CHILDREN
TO HAVE SLIGHTLY BETTER MANNERS THAN A DOG.
IF IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD, IT’S BEST TO MOVE TO A
SPRAWLING URBAN CENTER.
HIDING IN THE CLOSET TO HAVE A GOOD CRY OR PLAY ON YOUR SMART PHONE IS AN ACCEPTABLE COPING