Anxiety: The World's Number One Best Seller

INTRODUCTION

The windows were covered by sun bleached red curtains. In the tiny room, and set by the corner of my small, wooden and barred crib, sat an evergreen rubber plant that was dropping its leaves. Reminding me of my first conscious memory, I woke up with the awareness that I was staring at photographs of a person on the white wall, who was supposed to be my father.

Hypothetically, going back and identifying myself with that two-year-old girl, today I feel no anxiety or sadness.

You might wonder: How is that possible?

Well, it is possible. That child felt no sadness, not until she had a better understanding of the role a family, and a father, played.

All the stories I was told, ones that held any reference to a father-figure, revolved around the lack of one. Everyone around me made a conscious effort to pass over the fact there was someone missing in my life, someone who, in my eyes, had mysteriously disappeared. Then suddenly, he started to exist in my mind. I overheard my family members and his friends talking about how wonderful a man he was. However, I could only imagine the happiness of the moment when he came home from work, knocked on the small window of our house and chirped with me.

I remember a time when I was six. I was resting my elbows on the top of the fence when I saw the girl next door leaving with her dad. It was then that I suddenly realised: I will never experience that; I only have one parent, my mother, who does and will love me. Th e concept that a family must comprise of two halves fell heavily upon me that day; and that feeling stayed with me. I couldn’t understand why this had happened to me.

Many years later, a certain inner force drove me to seek a man with whom I could live in harmony. I wanted to experience the beauty of being a true family.

I made spasmodic efforts to maintain good relationships until I almost poured over.

With hindsight, I realised I had a vested interest in people with characteristic features that were essentially just a reflection of my inner self.

In my twenties, I attended the Academy of Arts, majoring in graphic art.

By the time I was twenty-three, I got married. I had been living someone else’s life for almost seven years, caught in the midst of fits of temper and verbal abuse, until I decided to put an end to it.

So, I moved. I left everything I had worked hard for behind.

My strong resolution had proven to be weak, and my thoughts were not supportive of my step forward. As if I wanted more unhappiness! As if my decision had not been well-founded. As if I wanted more of the miserable life I had been living. I had to make a firm decision; a final one. I needed to convince myself that I had made the right decision. Despite founding my decision on rational thoughts, memories of the abuse I’d suffered seemed to fade away. Slowly but surely, I started to feel guilty. I wondered if I’d made a mistake in leaving.

My unsupportive thoughts felt thick and fast: who would accept and love my two children? That actually meant, in turn, who would love me as a mother of two children? How was I to move on? I gathered the little, broken pieces that remained of myself and launched a new business. I even bought a car and everything seemed to be going well.

Despite all my achievements, though, I still felt unbalanced. I was far from finding my inner harmony and, suddenly, I decided to forgive. Everything that followed was a living hell. Everything that I’d rebuild and ever built, was now ruined. Its realisation pushed me to finally make the final decision: I divorced. It dawned on me that I had to start my life all over again, that I’d wasted a lot of time and energy in my relationship. The realisation triggered the onset of fear, worry and tension, and started to create the feeling of anxiety.

Reflecting on the dreams I had dreamed of as a child, I was unable to cope with the fact that I, as a mother of two, had failed to achieve my goals. Even worse, I had recreated the situation I had been forced to accept as a child: I had imposed the absence or the lack of a father-figure on my own children.

So I stood there, reflecting on my life, in much the same way I had done as a child while staring at the picture of my father. I only had one question for myself again: why?

It was hard to accept, since realising it meant I was acknowledging the meaning of my life up to that point.

I knew that acceptance was one of the most difficult things to do, but I did not want to acknowledge it. I did not want to accept the acceptance.

CHAPTER 1

THE CHOICE

This childhood story of mine guided me through life until I was presented with a wonderful voyage at the age of thirty. I was diagnosed with panic disorder.

Wonderful voyage? It’s quite reasonable for you to wonder what I found so wonderful about this condition.

This may seem hard to believe, but it’s true.

Now you may ask: What is wonderful about this disease? As I suffer from anxiety and fear all day long!

I accept that it must be rather hard to comprehend at first. So, let me tell you, step by step, how I understood it.

At first, I was unaware of the guidance I would receive from being diagnosed with this condition; unaware that the chaos I found myself in would lead to a life full of joy.

A life without problems, only guidance, where everything worked just fine without the need to make much effort.

In this case, the miracle is not that you will be healthy; the miracle, rather, lies in the fact that you will become the most wonderful person during the healing process.

For one year, I died more than three times a day or, at least, I thought I’d died. The fact I hadn’t actually died was irrelevant since it felt like I had. I had to make a tremendous effort whenever I wanted to leave the house, and I refused to take any medication. Meanwhile, I wishfully thought: it would be nice to have the strength to return to the person I once was. Although, deep down, I knew there was something to learn from all of this, as nothing happens without a reason.

Initially, this assumption, however, was not satisfactory, not until I asked myself: but what do I need to understand?

Even my mother, who had worked in a hospital for three decades, was helpless. The only thing she could do was offer me anti-depressants and benzodiazepine pills. I tried a variety of these, trying to find one that was appropriately tailored to my soul, one that would help ease my pain.

Although, there was an inner part of me that believed I was stronger; the part of me that consciously wanted a real and true healing without the need for medication. Always highly attuned to the diagnosis, my mother often talked about pills and emphasised the power they had to bring about miracles; I still agree with her line of thought.

She was quite fond of her patients, always seeking out ways to ease their healing, and often told me about the various cases she worked on. I always thought that the onset of diseases was linked to one’s incorrect thought process, and that most medications were there to simply ease the symptoms of these illnesses. By relying regularly on medication, we achieve nothing and lose our chance for complete recovery.

Still, after all those statements, principals and mentally final results, I could only think that, despite my thorough knowledge in the fields of psychology, philosophy, art, history, metaphysics and even esotery, nothing could help me.

Two months after the onset of my illness, I travelled to St. George’s Hospital to visit a psychotherapist. Whilst we were talking, and while my inner struggles mingled with the butterflies in my stomach, I received the following message, just as sudden as an arrow: I don’t understand what you’re doing here. You have two wonderful children, be happy with them and get a life. You have all the knowledge you need to lead a happy life. I also got divorced, so what? She must have said something else, but I can only remember these words. They were important to me. A sense of liberation penetrated my mind, soul, spirit and body, like a unique healing energy intended to infiltrate my cells.

That so what question or statement changed everything.

Slightly invigorated, I began to research this disease.

I also read personal stories on the Internet, written by others who had experienced or were experiencing this illness. After reading some of the stories, I started to relate to them and I began to see a commonality in their stories: shockingly, I realised that only a few had recovered. After a while, I started to attract them, and I had the chance to listen to them. Some had not left their houses for years. With the knowledge I’d gained, there was only one thing for me to do: I decided that I wanted to overcome this disorder! I decided that I wanted to heal!

So, this is where my life began, with the panic disorder. No, you have not misread and I did not make an error. I really mean it. My panic disorder slowly taught me to live the life given to me, and to find myself. This was the point when I swiftly realised that I had not really lived.

I knew and felt that it would bear significance, and one day I would say thank you to my illness. I decided that I would recover myself from this disease.

I was offered the chance to view everything from a different perspective – the chance of a rebirth. I had to make a choice: either accept the fact that I was not healthy and live with it, or finally live the journey of my life.

Which one would you choose?

CHAPTER 2

ON PANIC DISORDER

Panic disorder is a deep sense of anxiety occurring in hasty fits. In most cases, the fit recurs, and doctors are helpless when there is no apparent cause.If these episodes of panic repeat, or the patient is afraid of a recurrence of the attack, then we are talking about panic attacks. The incidence of this disease has increased worldwide, with 2.5% of the population known to be suffering from it. However, the exact percentage remains unknown because the disorder remains undiagnosed, as it often considered a symptom of other illnesses.

A significant proportion of patients who present with cardiovascular, gastrointestinal and neurological symptoms, suffer from panic disorder. Most patients are not aware of this and are taken to the emergency room, where most cases are treated as a malady of the body. Females are twice as likely to suffer from this disorder than males.

It is a fact that the ratio of women is higher than that of men. Generally, most females are withdrawn and, when in doubt or suspicious, they prefer to keep their mouths shut. Surreptitiously, they look after things and solve problems. They are also more likely to avoid confrontation by giving the other person as many options as possible, while waiting for the single result imagined by them, for the outcome they wish for. Most of the time, though, it is likely they are waiting for something to happen, for the inevitable. On the contrary, men think conceptually. They dare to speak, ask and analyse things. This is probably due to their assumption that women are the weaker gender.

Females were programmed this way. They have an ancient, basic concept, a fundamental long-lasting feeling from the past that steps out into the world, which can be traced back to a false reinterpretation.

For example, as a girl, I often heard my classmates say that women were created from one of Adam’s rib. This has all changed now. According to various researchers, there has been an increase in men who feel they have lost their traditional role due to the expectations and dominance of 21st century women. This is a significant turning point in the history of mankind. An increasing number of women are trying to break free of their traditional role. Though, most fail. They do not receive the expected level of support from their marriage or relationship and, therefore, the bond weakens. This is the situation where one tends to say to their partner: you just don’t understand me. This is why, after marriage or having a baby, many women start to feel depressed or anxious. Likewise, many teenage girls suffer from panic attacks as they are dependent on their circumstances, and create a dependency on their surrounding environment. Subsequently, what they receive from it is not what they expect. This is also true for males. Many of them feel that they are undervalued, which then leads on to depression and low self-esteem. According to a survey, over half the men who responded believed their inner problems were due to the fact that society has turned them into metrosexual beings with feminine features, with women controlling their lives. Nowadays, though, it’s not just women who think they need to maintain a constant balance between family and work. Men also suffer from the outcome of the collapse of the traditional role as they strive to meet certain requirements. This has become one of the biggest battles within society. Due to social pressures, more women try to gain independence as social beings, while striving to keep their partners. This is a battle fought amongst ourselves; it is how we live the events of our environment.

Many people, therefore, think that women have forgotten how to be women and, instead, are leading a desperate fight to conquer a man’s world.

It is not surprising, of course, if we don’t disregard the decades of suppression of females, which is still embedded in a woman’s subconscious mind. Still, this alone does not cause the problems or conflicts we see. The problem arises when both parties aim to control the relationships they’re in, their lives and basically anything that involves human relationships. There is nothing wrong with someone wanting to be, in the traditional sense, a man; one who cares for others and takes responsibility for his family. The conflict only arises when his partner desires something of her own, where the man’s role would just be to support her. In such cases, the traditional male thinks that he has lost control over things and, therefore, refuses to provide the necessary support and approval. Going forward, he is likely to refuse any form of initiation in her interests. Plainly speaking, it is about control from both sides. Also, the ideals that some young girls have towards their partners often change, and they come up with unrealistic expectations as they imagine a partner that does not even exist. It is not satisfactory if one’s partner is nice, since being nice is synonymous with being dull; it would be better to have a little bit of excitement and adventure. In fact, this leads to both trying to shape the other to meet their own desires. However, by doing this, they only imprison themselves. They close themselves in to the point where nothing can get out.

All these fights, which are in support of revenge, jealousy and the sense of possession, feed the ego-centred body while undermining our entire being.

We created a world in which we tend to act in accordance with previously written programs and encoded concepts, rather than thinking first or increasing our awareness of certain things. For instance, things do not hurt if we do not know about them. It is only life’s circumstances or acts that are in accordance with a preliminary elaborated concept that hurt. Here, I am not talking about two different things, such as the things hidden by others, of which I may or may not have knowledge of. I am speaking about the concepts embedded in our subconscious minds because, if we did not have a preconceived idea related to happenings, regardless of whether we are knowledgeable about it or not, it should not hurt. In reality, it’s not the thing that hurts: what we found out or heard about, or what happened to us. It hurts when the embedded preconceived idea’s frame does not fit what happened to us, which we then think affects and wakes up our self-esteem. Here are some short examples of soil in which roots grow; from where the preliminary elaborated concepts arise.

Maybe you did not have parents, or you just had one; maybe your grandparents raised you while your parents remained remote; maybe they hurt you or simply did not pay enough attention to you. Based on our past events, we teach ourselves to be loyal to the principles we pick up on the road of life, with the pre-concept of how it’s supposed to be. Moreover, maintaining a constant battle between how it’s supposed to be and how it is. This way, we make our past our present, and live a similar future, as we are unable to see other concepts or life philosophies, as we are loyal to our pain. We do not want to transform our thinking, we consider our pre-conception to be as good as it is bad. The hardest one of all is how it’s supposed to happen versus how did it happen. Within this framework, we cannot distinguish between real and unreal, or feasible from impractical.

A group of researchers elaborated on the biological theory focused on a neurotransmitter called noradrenaline, a chemical compound that forwards messages from one nerve cell to another. During this research, it was discovered that the stimulation of a part of the brain that is rich in noradrenalin, leads to panic. Therefore, the change in the activity of the compound influences the triggering of a panic attack.

The researchers initially supposed