Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only $11.99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    The Wicked Wit of Scotland
    The Wicked Wit of Scotland
    The Wicked Wit of Scotland
    Ebook153 pages1 hour

    The Wicked Wit of Scotland

    By Rod Green

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    This funny and beautifully observed book pulls together humorous stories, funny quotes, quips and anecdotes about this small but remarkable country.

    While the Scots are proud of their friendly reputation, loud about their many contributions to the world - such as whisky, penicillin and television - and fiercely protective of Scottish delicacies such as haggis and Irn Bru, they are also celebrated for their famously dry and dark humour.

    Featuring wit and wisdom from writers such as Armando Iannucci, Compton Mackenzie, Stanley Baxter and Neil Munro, this light-hearted book celebrates Scottish wit at its best while looking at the culture, folklore, politics and sport that make up Scotland.
    This funny and beautifully observed book pulls together stories, quotes, quips and anecdotes from Scots talking about Scotland and others from all over the world relating what they most admire about the country that Harry Potter author J. K. Rowling described as 'one of the most hauntingly beautiful places in the world. The history is fascinating, the men are handsome and the whisky is delicious. But don't eat the macaroni pies.' Featuring wit and wisdom from writers such as Armando Iannucci and Compton Mackenzie, Stanley Baxter and Neil Munro, the sometimes dubious delights of Scottish cuisine are discussed, along with the culture, folklore, politics and sport that will help us to understand just what makes Scotland tick.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMichael O'Mara
    Release dateNov 1, 2018
    ISBN9781789290325
    The Wicked Wit of Scotland
    Author

    Rod Green

    Rod Green's many publications include books on Special Forces, the Army Air Corps and the building of the RMS Titanic. Recently he has written The Car: The History of the Automobile, as well as co-writing How Britain Worked with the motorcycle racer and TV presenter Guy Martin, the book of the 2012 Channel 4 TV series.

    Related to The Wicked Wit of Scotland

    Titles in the series (7)

    View More
    View More

    Related ebooks

    Humor & Satire For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related articles

    • Article

      Cormac McCarthy Pushes The Boundaries

      Oct 29, 2022

      Cormac McCarthy Pushes The Boundaries
      4 min read

    • Article

      All In One Pot

      Dec 30, 2021

      All In One Pot
      4 min read

    • Article

      Secret BRITAIN

      Jun 25, 2020

      Secret BRITAIN
      11 min read

    • Article

      Good to SHARE

      Jul 29, 2020

      Good to SHARE
      4 min read

    • Article

      Putting Man On The Map

      Mar 29, 2023

      Putting Man On The Map
      5 min read

    • Article

      We’ve Got Mail

      Aug 21, 2020

      We’ve Got Mail
      2 min read

    • Article

      The Flying Scot

      Aug 21, 2020

      The Flying Scot
      6 min read

    • Article

      Good to SHARE

      Jul 8, 2020

      Good to SHARE
      4 min read

    • Article

      The Concept Of Scottishness

      Feb 12, 2022

      The Concept Of Scottishness
      3 min read

    • Article

      Ed’s Letter

      Nov 1, 2023

      Ed’s Letter
      2 min read

    • Article

      The Library

      Apr 17, 2020

      The Library
      4 min read

    • Article

      We’ve Got Mail

      Jun 19, 2020

      We’ve Got Mail
      4 min read

    • Article

      Edinburgh

      Dec 3, 2020

      Edinburgh
      5 min read

    • Article

      The Library

      Jun 19, 2020

      Such is the power of books that they can transport the reader to a different world, and so, while your travel plans are paused, stay connected with Scotland with these great reads. Here are some of the best Scottish books out this year, plus one of o

      4 min read

    • Article

      Portraits Of Another World

      Jul 30, 2023

      Portraits Of Another World
      5 min read

    • Article

      Sex, Drags And Pottery Roll

      Jul 19, 2023

      Sex, Drags And Pottery Roll
      6 min read

    • Article

      We’ve Got Mail

      Oct 23, 2020

      If you have one drop of Scottish blood in your body, there is a Scotland shaped hole in your heart that can only be filled by going there. Ever since I can remember I have wanted to go to Scotland – ever since my Auntie and my Grandaddy Mac told me a

      2 min read

    • Article

      Over To You...

      Sep 8, 2023

      Over To You...
      2 min read

    • Article

      Summer Plans

      Dec 10, 2020

      Summer Plans
      5 min read

    • Article

      Good to SHARE

      Feb 12, 2020

      Good to SHARE
      2 min read

    • Article

      Good to SHARE

      Aug 26, 2020

      Good to SHARE
      2 min read

    • Article

      Top Of The Props

      Jun 15, 2023

      Top Of The Props
      7 min read

    • Article

      Collectors’ Corner

      Apr 14, 2023

      About a century ago, radio broadcasting was still in its infancy but it made huge progress towards the end of the 1920s, writes Christer Brunström. The BBC traces its origins back to 1922. Radio listening soon became a favourite pastime and the deman

      5 min read

    • Article

      Letters To The Editor

      Oct 4, 2023

      I WAS heartened to see our King and Queen enjoy a warm reception from President Macron. It reminded me of a delightful story about my ancestor Maj-Gen Sir Lowry Cole. Maj-Gen Cole was under the command of Wellington fighting the French in the Peninsu

      4 min read

    Related categories

    Reviews for The Wicked Wit of Scotland

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      The Wicked Wit of Scotland - Rod Green

      LIFE

      INTRODUCTION

      Some people think that the Scots are miserable, dour and dreich, a bit like our weather. They point to Andy Murray as a typically morose Scotsman droning away with a flat, monotone delivery – a low-pitched whine that’s as annoying as an inflating bagpipe. But how would you feel if you had just spent five hours thundering around a tennis court opposite Novak Djokovic . . . and lost? When Murray won gold for Great Britain at the 2012 Olympic Games, he was feted as a national (British) hero, yet still the doom-mongers wouldn’t leave him alone. ‘It’ll make a change,’ read one online comment, ‘to have someone more miserable than the Queen on our stamps.’

      That is hugely unfair. Neither Andy nor the Queen are miserable. They both have the wonderful Scottish sense of humour. Andy has it from Monday to Wednesday and the Queen takes it back for the rest of the week. How else could Andy have put up with comedian Michael McIntyre invading his hotel room in the middle of the night to force him to take part in a challenge for Sport Relief? Andy swore, laughed, joined in the fun and even sang Spice Girls’ songs with ex-Ginger Spice, Geri Halliwell. And the Queen? The Scots claim her as Scottish, of course, as her mother was Scottish and she spends several weeks during the summer at Balmoral. You might say she is only half-Scottish and the rest is some strange Anglo-German mix, but as you go through this book you will find that we Scots don’t give a hoot about half measures. Half-Scottish is Scottish as far as we are concerned because the Scottish portion will stand head and shoulders above all the rest.

      We will claim anything we can as Scottish. So if it’s even a wee bit Scottish, it’s Scottish; whether it’s the invention of the steam engine, the first man on the Moon or Her Majesty The Queen – who has a fine sense of humour, by the way. While meeting and greeting on a walkabout in Scotland, she turned a corner only to bump into someone who had no idea the Queen was in the neighbourhood and who remarked, ‘You look just like the Queen …!’ to which the Queen replied, ‘How reassuring.’

      Once something has been claimed as Scottish, it is Scottish forever. We make things ours by cat-marking them with a tartan-scented spray that never washes off. Golf was probably invented in Holland but we decided we’d have that years ago. Sprayed Scottish – golf is ours. Bagpipes evolved in the Middle East and have existed all over Europe for many centuries. Sprayed Scottish – bagpipes are ours. Whisky was almost certainly distilled in Ireland long before we got hold of it. Sprayed Scottish – whisky is ours. As comedian Chic Murray put it: ‘A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.’

      Chic Murray touched on one of the most famous traits of Scottishness – a grasping meanness that has earned us the reputation of being as tight as two coats of paint. In the United States, where there are so many people of Scots descent and where so many Scots have played such a huge role in the evolution of the nation that the whole country is practically a suburb of Glasgow, they like to say that their Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a dime in a ditch.

      In Scotland, we embrace all of the mocking stereotypes – the images of mean Scots, drunken Scots, aggressive Scots, unintelligible Scots, ginger-bearded, kilt-wearing, bagpipe-playing, bar-brawling, haggis-eating, caber-tossing, whisky-sozzled Scots. Bring them all on. We love to laugh at them as much as anyone else because we know that none of them are true. Well, most of them aren’t true. Well, some of them are at least a bit exaggerated. We all love stories about the Scotsman who says he’s just washed his kilt and he can’t do a fling with it. We’ve all heard people pointing out that the difference between bagpipes and a trampoline is that eventually you get tired of jumping on a trampoline.

      We love those jokes and we hear them all the time when we are outside Scotland. There’s a funny thing about living abroad, which includes living in England, the locals think that you have a really broad Scots accent. It is easy for a Scotsman to retain his accent because we never give anything away, after all. So the locals think we have strong Scottish accents and ask us to say ridiculous things like ‘purple burglar alarm’. Then they fall about laughing. We know that the laugh is really on them because they can’t enunciate properly, unlike us Scots. And there is no shortage of Scots abroad for people to pick on. There are far more of us living elsewhere than there are in Scotland. In London, some say it is a disgrace that there are so many dim-witted Scots living rough on the streets. The Scots like to think that this helps to raise the average IQ both in Scotland and in London.

      Holding on to your accent when you are away from home doesn’t seem difficult until you go back to Scotland and everyone asks why you’re speaking like a foreigner, the classic comment being, ‘You’ve been so long in England even Lulu’s got a better accent than you!’ Returning to Scotland when you’ve been away for a while can be a risky business, too. In some areas north of the border, the average male life expectancy is up to ten years less than that in southern England, and you wouldn’t want to get caught out while you’re there, would you?

      The real reason, however, that most Scots living in exile don’t go back to Scotland as much as they should is that each time they go back it becomes a little more difficult to leave again. Scotland is, after all, the most wonderful country on the face of the planet.

      This book takes a look at some of the things that make Scotland and the Scots peculiarly Scottish. It includes lots of true stories, some not-so-true stories, some apocryphal tales, some downright fabrications and some jokes that prove we Scots are the most miserable, joyous, introverted, gregarious, talentless, gifted, dim-witted, intelligent, lazy, industrious, scowly, smiley people in the world. And do we have a sense of humour? Of course we do – it’s free, isn’t it?

      CHAPTER ONE

      THE SHAPE OF THINGS

      In Scotland, I think everyone would agree that the geography of the country shapes not only its physical boundaries and national identity, but also the character of its people. The people of Glasgow called Edinburgh ‘The Far East’, although it is less than fifty miles away, and the people of Edinburgh called Glasgow ‘The Wild West’. As Glaswegian comedian Kevin Bridges said, ‘Edinburgh and Glasgow – same country, two very different cities.’

      PIPE DREAMS

      Musician Jack Bruce, who played bass with Eric Clapton and Ginger Baker in the celebrated British supergroup Cream, knew hard times as a youngster in Glasgow, but he had a clear idea of what he wanted to do. ‘I wanted to write great tunes, play the bass, be a band leader, and smoke a big funny pipe like Charlie Mingus,’ he said, ‘so I went out and bought the pipe when I was around eighteen or nineteen years old. You know, even women smoked a pipe in Glasgow.’

      A talented musician, Bruce studied cello and composition at Glasgow’s Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama, but would never have been able to do so without scholarship funding. ‘Growing up

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1