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    The Fartionary
    The Fartionary
    The Fartionary
    Ebook249 pages1 hour

    The Fartionary

    By Andy Jones

    ()

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    About this ebook

    Full of hilarious jokes, trivia, facts and cartoons, THE FARTIONARY is guaranteed to be a hit with kids everywhere! Now in B-format.
    Do girls fart more than boys? Which foods make the best bottom burps? What happens if you let one rip in space? All these stinking questions and more will be answered in ... THE FARTIONARY!

    Andy Jones explodes the farty facts! Find out:
    • the do's and don'ts of the babbling bottom
    • why the family that farts together stays together
    • what to do when Pop goes POP! Plus, discover your farting personality type, learn how to talk your way out of a stinky situation and impress your friends with the funniest fart jokes. The coolest collection of all things farty!

    'THE FARTIONARY made me laugh so hard I farted!' Professor Fartypants

    'Hey, Professor Fartypants, pull my finger!' Doctor Stinksalot

    Ages: 6+

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHarperCollins Publishers Australia
    Release dateDec 1, 2014
    ISBN9780730499039
    The Fartionary
    Author

    Andy Jones

    Andy Jones is an experienced Military Intelligence Analyst and Information Technology Security specialist. He has had considerable experience in the analysis of Intelligence material in Strategic, Tactical and Counter-Insurgency operations and a wide range of Information systems management experience. In addition, he has considerable experience in the security of Information Technology systems, having been responsible for the implementation of Information Technology security within all areas of the British Army and in some joint service organizations. He has directed both Intelligence and Security operations and briefed the results at the highest level. He was awarded the MBE for his work during his service in Northern Ireland and has gained an Open University Bachelor of Science degree in mathematics and technology and a Masters degree in Information Security and Computer Crime from the University of Glamorgan. After completing 25 years service with the British Army’s Intelligence Corps, he moved into the area of defense research and was employed as the manager of a group of 80 research scientists and as a researcher and analyst in the area of Information Security. He has also had experience as a project manager within defense research for the security aspects of a number of large projects and has gained considerable expertise on the criminal and terrorist aspects of Information Security. He has undertaken a range of research into a number of aspects of Information warfare and the threats to information systems. 1n 2002 he co-authored a book on information warfare and is currently researching to write a book on the risks to information systems. In addition to his main work as a senior lecturer on Information Security and Computer Crime at the University of Glamorgan, he is currently also an associate lecturer for the Open University on Internet communications. His primary area of research for the last two years has been into methods for the measurement of t

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      Book preview

      The Fartionary - Andy Jones

      FARTOLOGY

      The biology of the fart

      A fart is a mixture of gases. (You already knew that, didn’t you!)

      But where do these gases come from?

      Well, there are a few places . . .

      •air we swallow

      •gas made in our stomach

      and intestines

      Let’s start with the first one. When you eat or drink, air is taken in with each mouthful as well. If you eat a large amount of food, eat quickly or even talk while you are eating, you will swallow lots of air.

      Once this food and air reaches your stomach, it starts being digested. Imagine your stomach as a human washing machine – the food gets churned up and broken down until it’s nice and soupy. (Mmm, stomach soup!) It then moves through the small intestine into the large intestine.

      But what happens then? The food that hasn’t been digested yet is attacked by bacteria in the large intestine. While these bacteria are hard at work breaking down the leftover food, they produce lots of gas.

      Now for the good bit!!!

      Apart from burping, the only way for the swallowed air and gas to get out of your body is through your bottom.

      And that’s how we get the birth of . . . the ‘Bottom Burp’!

      FARTS IN MOTION

      How farts travel through the body

      A fart travels through your body the same way that food does.

      When you take a bite of a sandwich and swallow it, it moves through your digestive system via something called . . . (medical term alert!) ‘peristalsis’.

      A good way to explain peristalsis is to grab your sausage doorstop. You know, that long snaky thing that sits at the bottom of your back door to stop the wind and creepy-crawlies getting in. Pick it up and, starting at one end, squeeze it hand over hand along the length of the sausage. This action is exactly like what happens automatically in your body as soon as you eat . . . peristalsis!

      Peristalsis pushes the food and air that you swallow down to your stomach. Some of the swallowed air is released by burping, but the rest travels down into your intestines. More gas is created in the intestines by the hard-working bacteria in there. And where does this leftover air and gas go?

      It gets propelled through your intestines until it POPS out through your bottom!

      THE STINKING TRUTH

      Why farts smell

      Farts smell as a result of what we eat.

      Most of the gases produced in our bodies (like carbon dioxide, hydrogen, methane and nitrogen) don’t have any smell. But there’s one gas – hydrogen sulfide – that is super stinky! Hydrogen sulfide is sometimes called ‘rotten egg gas’ because that’s what it smells like – stinky, disgusting rotten eggs!

      You need sulfur to create hydrogen sulfide. Which means the more sulfur your diet contains, the stinkier your fluffs will be!

      Meat, eggs, garlic, cabbage, broccoli, cauliflower and milk are all high in sulphur – so they are perfect for producing super stinky stenches!

      Beans (like lentils and chickpeas) often cause loud fluffs that don’t smell that much. For example, lentil soup is well known to give you lots of gas that isn’t too smelly and is often fun to let rip!

      Farty Tip #1: Eat lentil soup to perform a bottom-burp concert that won’t stink out your family and friends!

      THE SPHINCTER SYMPHONY

      The sound of the sulfur orchestra!

      The noise of a fart will depend on the tightness of your bottom muscles. It will also depend on the speed of the fart and the amount of gas being produced. Generally, the bigger the fart, the louder it will be!

      Have you ever noticed that your farts sound louder when you’re sitting on the toilet? Or that they sound high and squeaky when you’re squeezing your bottom muscles?

      Farts can make lots of different sounds. They can be explosive, squeaky, thunderous, poppy and squelchy! They can also be long or short and have changes in pitch. With enough practice, even ‘Jingle Bells’ can be squeezed out!

      All in all, everyone has an orchestra in their bottom with a multitude of sounds, tones and textures – high notes, low notes and percussive sounds. Some people can even make special-effects sounds: rumbles, slaps, leaking balloons, squeaks, squawks and squirts.

      So tune up and let the concert begin!

      THE FART FACT FILE

      True or false?

      FF1 – The scientific name for farting is ‘flatulence’.

      TRUE! And the scientific name for the gas produced in the stomach and intestines is ‘flatus’.

      FF2 – Some people never ever fart.

      FALSE! Every human being farts!! If they say they don’t fart, they are fibbing – big time! (You can even fart after you die!)

      FF3 – Boys fart more than girls.

      FALSE! We all fart around the same amount, but boys are more likely to fart in public and in front of their friends (because it’s funny . . . apparently!).

      FF4 – The average person farts around 10 to 15 times a day.

      TRUE! Although, this depends on what you have eaten and how much air you have swallowed.

      FF5 – Girls don’t fart.

      FALSE! Lies lies lies!!!! Every human being farts!

      FF6 – Famous people don’t fart.

      FALSE! Doctors, lawyers, pop stars, actors, politicians, bus drivers and even teachers fart! (Hee hee!)

      FF7 – You fart more in the morning.

      FALSE! It’s different for everyone. Some people fart more in the morning and some fart more as they are going to sleep at night. Almost everyone farts more after meals.

      FF8 – Girls’ farts are smellier than boys’.

      FALSE! Whether a fart is smelly or not depends on what you have eaten, not on whether you are a boy or a girl.

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