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Clothes Really Do Make the Man: My Life as a Fashion Victim
Di Ken WIllidau
Azioni libro
Inizia a leggere- Editore:
- iUniverse
- Pubblicato:
- Oct 17, 2014
- ISBN:
- 9781491723449
- Formato:
- Libro
Descrizione
Written for people who are trying to be what theyre wearing but dont have the same taste in clothes that other people would like, Clothes Really Do Make the Man contains more than 2,500 jokes and one-liners that offers readers ways they can fashion their own lives into a stylish ensemble that will make them model citizens to everyone they want to meet or didnt want to, anyway.
Willidau has patterned a writing style that sews together all the designs hes modeled for his life. Ken Willidaus philosophy is that looking it is as good as being it if people dont look past that to see the truth that lies within. Willidau fashions himself in a manner that will leave even the most formally dressed person as a casual giggling mess. And youll be put in stitches, too.
Chapters attempt to design a whole person from the clothes he has chosen to show off as his interpretation of himself for others to determine what it is for them to be seeing. Among them, Mittens on Strings, Hand-Me-Down Jeans, Tie-Dyed T-shirt, Flood Pants, Balaclava and Thinking Cap are just part of the complete outfit that make the whole man. The walk down the runway is spent with a patchwork of jokes using wit, dark humour, jokes that will knock your socks off, tongue-in-cheek, jokes needling you gentle reader, plays on words and double entendre humour. Spending your day with Ken will make you look at yourself differently no matter what you think others are seeing for themselves.
Clothes Really Do Make the Man provides the perfect cover for those days you want to look like someone who, obviously, reads books and not whatever that is youre wrapped up in now that youve made yourself a slave to fashion to just be read like that yourself. Lets wear a book out.
Informazioni sul libro
Clothes Really Do Make the Man: My Life as a Fashion Victim
Di Ken WIllidau
Descrizione
Written for people who are trying to be what theyre wearing but dont have the same taste in clothes that other people would like, Clothes Really Do Make the Man contains more than 2,500 jokes and one-liners that offers readers ways they can fashion their own lives into a stylish ensemble that will make them model citizens to everyone they want to meet or didnt want to, anyway.
Willidau has patterned a writing style that sews together all the designs hes modeled for his life. Ken Willidaus philosophy is that looking it is as good as being it if people dont look past that to see the truth that lies within. Willidau fashions himself in a manner that will leave even the most formally dressed person as a casual giggling mess. And youll be put in stitches, too.
Chapters attempt to design a whole person from the clothes he has chosen to show off as his interpretation of himself for others to determine what it is for them to be seeing. Among them, Mittens on Strings, Hand-Me-Down Jeans, Tie-Dyed T-shirt, Flood Pants, Balaclava and Thinking Cap are just part of the complete outfit that make the whole man. The walk down the runway is spent with a patchwork of jokes using wit, dark humour, jokes that will knock your socks off, tongue-in-cheek, jokes needling you gentle reader, plays on words and double entendre humour. Spending your day with Ken will make you look at yourself differently no matter what you think others are seeing for themselves.
Clothes Really Do Make the Man provides the perfect cover for those days you want to look like someone who, obviously, reads books and not whatever that is youre wrapped up in now that youve made yourself a slave to fashion to just be read like that yourself. Lets wear a book out.
- Editore:
- iUniverse
- Pubblicato:
- Oct 17, 2014
- ISBN:
- 9781491723449
- Formato:
- Libro
Informazioni sull'autore
Correlati a Clothes Really Do Make the Man
Anteprima del libro
Clothes Really Do Make the Man - Ken WIllidau
Clothes
Really Do Make
the Man
(My Life as a Fashion Victim)
2,500+ Jokes - One-Liner at a Time
Ken Willidau
Clothes Really Do Make the Man
(My Life as a Fashion Victim)
Copyright © 2014 Ken Willidau.
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
iUniverse
1663 Liberty Drive
Bloomington, IN 47403
www.iuniverse.com
1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)
Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.
Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.
Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.
ISBN: 978-1-4917-2343-2 (sc)
ISBN: 978-1-4917-2342-5 (hc)
ISBN: 978-1-4917-2344-9 (e)
iUniverse rev. date: 10/16/2014
Tabard of Contents
For Wardrobe
Brand-Name Labels
Mittens on Strings
Hand-Me-Down Jeans
Same-Sized Borrowed Clothes
Bondage Gear
Green Contacts
Leisure Suit
Jock Strap
Wristwatch
Tie-Dyed T-shirt
Ensemble
Suit and Tie
Thinking Cap
Top Hat and Tails
A Monocle
Stuffed Shirt
Party Dress
Clashing
Jester’s Hat
Raincoat
Mismatched Shoes
Reading Glasses
Living Mannequins
Balaclava
Chef’s Hat
Belt
Veil
Boots
Last Year’s Model
Basic Black
The Closet
Fashion Statement
Author’s Note
*** Contacting The Author ***
E-mail: kenwillidau@hotmail.com
Web site: http://kenwillidau.wordpress.com
If clothes make the man, I’ve been shopping at the wrong emporium my entire life.
Mimi Salfondi
"I’d like to
dedicate this book to the people who dress like who they are and not disguised as someone I never would have approached to just have that revealed through the seems."
Pre-Fashion
I’ve never felt more naked than when I stopped wearing my birthday suit and wrapped myself in something they never actually made me. Me to someone else.
For Wardrobe
If I threw out all of my old clothes from my closet I’d have a lot less skeletons hanging in it to remind me of all the mes they made of me to others.
Brand-Name Labels
Any company logo or name on your clothes makes you a walking commercial for The Man.
I tell people to call me Iceberg so they’ll think there’s a lot more to me than will ever appear to meet the eye, under the surface.
A nickname is also a given name that is given by someone with more insight into what you should be called than your parents did giving you theirs from their initial impression of you.
I’m surprised my parents didn’t call me Mark since they brought me up to be one.
My name’s the first thing people meet when I’m not there to show them different, one way or the other. Luckily, It’s more respectable than I am in person.
I know for a fact some people have liked me because of my name and the connection it means to them. So, I’ll blame everyone else hating me on all of my evil namesakes.
I probably mentioned this before, but they call me Cucumber.
I knew my friends had it in for me when they nicknamed me Duck so I wouldn’t when I should and would look when I shouldn’t.
If I am challenged that I can’t remember people’s names, I just say I’m their namesake so I’ll know what it is when they say hi to me next time.
How do I know life was destined to be pie-in-the-sky for me? My first nickname was Pull.
I wish I had a name like Carpenter that would be as good a reason to become that as anything else.
A 4-syllable name, eh? Aren’t we someone who thinks people have the time to waste on them.
My friends named their first child Cain and act like they’re the first two people on Earth to ever have a child.
If no one else will admit to being called a hero, I’ll take it as a nickname.
It’s easier just to change my friends’ nicknames when I get sick of them and just think they’re all the same which they are except for their nicknames.
Today wouldn’t be so confusing if they didn’t have 7 other different names for it.
How do you know you look guilty? Your nickname’s Closet because you hold one big skeleton in you.
I can’t tell you how many Bobs led me down the wrong path to a slippery slope in the fast lane.
Whenever anyone screams Jesus Christ when I walk into a room, unexpectedly, I assure them I get that all the time and it’s an honest mistake that even I make when I unexpectedly walk in front of a mirror or when I just sense my presence in the room.
If I’m a reflection of society, my nickname should be Stun.
How do I know I’m more memorable than most people? They remember my name right off the bat and I’m saying what letter I think theirs starts with.
Being a pothead, I wasn’t surprised to find out my nickname was Scooby all along because I never turned down the opportunity to become dooby doo.
How do I know people think I’m a real number to some people and phoney to others? My nickname’s AKA 47.
You have absolutely no presence when you greet people. Your last name wouldn’t be XOXO by any chance, would it?
How do I make myself feel like a winner with people calling for me? I nicknamed myself Uncle.
I’ve decided to change my name to I since that’s the name I go by most often and it will get me the most compliments from others.
I changed my name to Mario Net so people know I come with strings attached they’re in full control of.
I get sick of my friend Carol’s singing because it’s always the same old songs.
I’ve decided to change my name to Cheese so people will look happy to be calling out my name and chasing after me and no one will stop me from getting away.
Poor Rhymin’ Simon had to give up his Simon Says duties because he couldn’t get anyone to take his poetry seriously.
I always think that the closest parents can come to disowning their son without actually doing it is to name them Skip.
My friend Tamara is always mad at me because she thinks I’m always breaking my promise to see her the next day.
How do you know men are more self-centred than women? You rarely see a daughter named after their mother.
How do you know you’re competitive? You only befriend people whose names have a lower Scrabble point value than yours.
What’s in a name? Every connotation it has for people who have heard it before.
You can keep your bloody happy birthday song until you know my name and not say the birthday boy.
I’ve decided to legally change my name to Dick since the nickname’s sticking.
I just give up on people whose names I can’t pronounce or have more than three syllables that can’t be shortened because they’re already more trouble than they’re worth.
I felt like even more of a little shit when I realized I was being marginalized by people when they started calling me Doodle.
I think the thing I hate about you the most is I was going to name my first child the same as yours until I met you to not.
What’s the difference between a Rob, a Robert, a Bob and a Bobby? Whatever difference they think there is between them.
I’ve never approached a Cliff I didn’t want to fall head over heels over.
I never felt like such a broken man than when I couldn’t defend myself against being nicknamed Sticks and Stones.
Why did my friend Patsy become a stunt double? Because if she was going to take the fall, all the time, it might as well pay her the bills for a living death.
My friend Amy reminds me of any Frenchman trying to act friendly in English.
I just tell people my name is Mark when I meet them so if they find that it wasn’t after it’s over they’ll know I knew what they were aiming for from the start of the end of that.
I moon people who call me Sunshine to eclipse their sarcastic tone.
I nickname everyone I meet Last Straw so they’ll know the only reason why if they never see me back, again.
I called my dog Bingo so something on this planet would think of me as a winner.
If your parents chose your name before you were born it’s the most impersonal thing about you, now. Unless you’ve made something of it, yourself.
I named a wart on me after you. I call it Parasite.
They call me Bliss. I don’t know why. But, I’m never all that happy with them so at least the effers are trying to me which is good.
I couldn’t afford a parrot so I bought a budgie and called it ‘Tweet’ so it could, at least, say its name which is unusual for a budgie and makes it a real conversation piece.
I wish I could invent something so neat it’s called a Willidau. But, I guess I’ll just think I did and it was me.
The only way I could ever get my friend Brooke to stop running off at the mouth was to say ‘Stop babbling dam it.’ to her.
I wish I had a more common name so people would be more bugged by me when they hear it without me having to be around them to do it.
I’d know I was doing wrong if I didn’t hear Jesus Christ every time I did something thinking they thought I must have been him doing it, so how wrong could it be.
Since it’s the odd that sticks in my mind, I’m actually insulting you if I remember you or your name or how.
I wish the townspeople would realize I’m just crying for Wolf and stop shooting every dog I name that, every time I want him in.
You know you’re not well-regarded when who you’re the namesake of legally changes their name to Joseph Stalin so it doesn’t happen again to him.
Why did I make a name for Myself that I’d never want Me to be called?
I hate guessing people’s names because it has to be what I thought of them that only I would know the connotation of that they probably wouldn’t so I just guess Jesus, now, to redeem myself that way and just be done with all of it.
I’m sure your parents would have called you Asshole, too, if they knew you any better when they were naming you, like I do.
How do I know people think I’m a total brain? My nickname’s No Body.
I once nicknamed myself Norm and it caught on for a while until some people heard me talking to myself and found out it was short for Normal.
Labelling anyone anything is giving people a name to either live up to or live down.
Mittens on Strings
I’m sure it’s the mittens on strings I was made to wear that led me to believe I was a puppet my whole life with anything in my hands really out of my control.
A girl in my school was ostracized because her family didn’t have a phone. My, how the times have changed. Everyone has a phone now who should and there’s so many other ways to ostracize people, now, other than not phoning them when you can’t.
How do I know what my growth pattern was when I was young? I can base it, from family photographs, on how small the only blazer I ever had was getting throughout all the years I wore it.
I wish I could grow up but that would just mean being grown up, wouldn’t it? No one else looks like they’re enjoying it.
Of course everything they taught me in school I took negatively. They wrote it all white on black.
When I come to think about it. If I hadn’t won an award in Grade 4 this wouldn’t have been my life since then. And, the sad fact is I just don’t think the judges liked the kid, I know should have walked away with this life for himself.
I always think I knew I’d be treated as a fool in life and I think I just beat them to my own punchline. Hope I was right to be right and not wrong to be right.
How do you know you’ve never grown up? Your emotions squeal on you at either end of the spectrum.
I bet not too many people who listened to what they were told was good for them growing up have any problem with having been told that, now.
The Levi’s were breached in high school today when someone new, who was just holding on by the seat of his pants as it was, wore something different and strange and who does this guy think he is, anyway.
If a friend I wanted to please, growing up, had of taken me to do something other than what they were interested in than what they did, I’d probably be doing that now, instead. That’s all.
I’m my friends’ stunt double. The pratfall guy.
My sister had the door slammed in her face trying to sell something at a neighbour’s door when she was young. He went back to being his self and she came home not. It’s funny and not what makes you be you over time that meant nothing to someone else that had any intentions.
What are the most important lessons I ever learned in school? 1 + 1 = 2 and 2 + 2 = 4.
I’m not immature. I was an adult for a while in my teenage years and then moved straight into second childhood when that got old practically over night.
It’s hard bringing up children these days.
- Anonymous (Circa 50,000 BC - Present)
I was fascinated by rubber ice for hours, today. I’m sure it will take more to entertain me in the future and that’s the rub.
How do I know I haven’t grown up? I still see the humour in everything I shouldn’t because I think it’s cute and adorable when adults do something stupid, too.
I forged my parent’s signature on a late slip at 6 years of age. I got caught because my finger-paints were all over it.
I never grew up in a lot of areas because I grew up in one where a lot of people didn’t in a lot of all the others.
The next person who’s got my nose will snot be going for it again.
When I think about it, what I missed in youth is reality now that everyone I grew up with must have thought was missing, too, if they’re doing it for their own families. Or maybe I didn’t miss it, at all, until I saw it to, now.
How do I know people never let go? I’m still living in teenland. Everyone but me and all the foreteeners moved on long ago.
I’m 10 years old. Someone older just walked by my house and told me he’s going to kill me. He’ll try to drown me in a few months. His father will save me. I’ll go home for dinner. Just another day I don’t understand, then, and only too well, now.
Being a teenager was a strange time in life for anyone who knew me during those years.
My only goal is to become a substitute teacher so I can justify being treated the same way in class as I always was because I just don’t belong.
How the times have changed. When I see a child doing most of the things I did freely when I was young I think the parents must be really irresponsible. Same as I think mine were then, now, too when I didn’t before.
I knew my life story was told for me when I was young and I realized I had become one of the snitchables who could always be bluffed into not.
I’d like to take this opportunity to say ‘Did so.’ to everyone who kept insisting it ‘Did not.’ and I couldn’t be bothered continuing it, then, until now.
I’ve never rode double with anyone, in anything in life, where I wasn’t the one that was pedalling.
I went to school today to learn I was less than I dreamed I could be because of someone’s closed mind to my open one. I passed through the rest of it.
How do I know I haven’t grown up? I’m still liked by the girl in women and hated by the boy in men.
I’m trying to figure out if I was Wally or Beaver for June and Ward. I only know I was Eddy or Lumpy outside the family home.
Kid’s stuff I did when I was young gets you arrested, now. I wish I could grow up.
After I was delivered by Caesarean section I cried ‘Et tu Dr. Brute.’ but it sounded like ‘WAH!’ so that was my first wasted joke.
I’m always hanging around the houses beside mine in a desperate attempt to look like the boy next door on the street that way to them, anyway.
"I wish my parents had just always told me they didn’t want me doing what I wanted to do than making me feel like I’d be a failure doing it, that they
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