Through the Walls

Copyright © 2012 by Hajar Abuzaid.

Library of Congress Control Number:   2012904523

ISBN: Hardcover    978-1-4691-8236-0

ISBN: Softcover      978-1-4691-8235-3

ISBN: Ebook          978-1-4691-8237-7

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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I would have never gone this far if I didn’t have people there encouraging me all the time. I would like to give credit to those who gave me strength . . .

To Marwa Saeed, if it wasn’t for you constantly reminding me that my limit is the sky, this would have never been written. Thanks for reading every single word I wrote and putting my full stops in place. 19148.jpg

To Amer Salmeh, you never liked reading but you sucked it up and read it all anyway and better yet you gave me an honest opinion. Thanks 19150.jpg

To Angi, George, Hana, Heba & Moi, thanks for believing in me more than I believed in myself . . . You are my first fans! 19146.jpg

To Mohammed Abo-zaid, for your awesome cover design. Thanks for your time and effort and for putting your heart and soul in it even though you knew I might not even use it.

To Dr. Shady Mansour & Dalia Hani for being so enthusiastic and encouraging. Thanks for the great cover ideas.

Last but not least, to everyone who ever doubted me, I only did it to prove you wrong.

Prologue

An absent mom, a cheating dad—but you are still smiling like nothing you are at. Your life is a mystery, what will happen is a mystery, and whether you will ever trust anyone is another mystery. But you are still alive—living, laughing, loving, acting strong, and swearing that you won’t ever become anything like them. But the truth is you are only scared. You are surrounded by walls. No one is allowed in. You are acting like you don’t own a key and there is no door. But the truth is you built the walls. You think you are protected inside. You don’t want to go out, and you never let anyone in. You need neither a door nor a key. You need to know that people are not the same. I know you don’t want to get hurt, but if you were never hurt . . . How would you know how it feels to have someone who cares? If you never cry, how will you know how it feels to have a shoulder to cry on? If you never need anyone, will you ever know how it feels to have someone? Do you think you are living? I think you are acting dead, so have fun in your life. I tried and I failed. Now I’m walking away from your walls. I can’t help but wonder if you will ever follow me? Will you risk the walls for the one person who really cares?

Contents

My White Knight

Out of History

Personal

Sweet Sixteen

A Late Gift

A Special Date

Skating Lessons

At the Devil’s Place

I Love You

Beach Party

What are Friends for?

Choose Wisely

Paris

Gone

A Friend Down, Zero to Go

Grief

Avoided Conversations

Complicated

Forgiveness

Marisol

A Decision to Make

Wishing

1

My White Knight

Have you ever lost track of time? Have you ever felt lonely and defeated even though your friends were always there trying to help you through? Well, that’s simply me. I’m the smiley rich girl with the perfect life everyone wishes for, but my only problem is I never wish for what people wish for.

‘From earth to Mary.’ I blinked, trying to get back to the here and now and to the blue-eyed Blondie who was obviously waiting for me to say something.

‘Sorry, Alice, were you saying something?’ I asked Alice, who just looked at Bella and then back at me.

‘I was saying do you want some smoothies?’ Alice asked, obviously not for the first time.

‘Yeah, sure.’ That was just what I love about my friends; they never ask why I’m on Mars instead of earth.

‘How many times do I have to tell you guys not to let me walk in the middle? I feel like a child walking with her parents,’ Bella complained after we grabbed our smoothies. That was what she did all the time. She was just the complaining redheaded, short, and at times, rude Bella who never heard of high heels. I mean I’m not even short, and I never go out wearing anything that is less than five inches unless I was going to school.

We just decided to head back home before it was late when we heard someone shouting behind us. We turned around to see what’s wrong, and my eyes widened. My breathing and heartbeating got faster and faster. I was taken aback by the magic of the Greek god standing right in front of me. He had those beautiful hazel eyes and brown hair to match them; he was tall and had small, cute muscles all over. I could tell he was twenty or so by just looking at him. I wished I could see his smile, but unfortunately he was kind of crying. Those beautiful eyes were filled with embarrassment mixed up with shame and lots of tears waiting to be allowed to fall down his cheeks. All that shouting and screaming I’d forgotten for a minute came back louder, and then I noticed the girl who was facing him. And I was shocked when I realized that she was the one who was shouting, and she was definitely his girlfriend and his worst nightmare as well. Well, at least, that explained the embarrassment and shame in his eyes. A girl was insulting him in the middle of a public place, and he was supposed to be the man. Ouch, that definitely hurt. But all he was doing was asking her to calm down. Then I heard the words that made me go in shock. ‘You don’t deserve me. I shouldn’t have gotten back to you. Loving a dog is better than loving you. At least the dog will always be thankful that I saved him from the streets,’ she shouted the words and meant them; she preferred a dog to my white knight.

I waited to see him slap her or at least shout nasty, insulting words back at her, but he didn’t. He opened his mouth, and all I could hear was a whisper. ‘Then you shouldn’t have gotten back to me. Happy birthday.’ He threw something on the ground and walked away. He looked so broken, so hurt. If I could pull all his pain into myself, I would in a heartbeat. But how? How could I make it better for him?

She was definitely anyone’s nightmare. I felt like slapping her. Before I could do anything stupid, Alice said, ‘That would be Shanel. She thinks of herself as the world’s godmother.’

‘Well, she has every right to think so, just look at her. No one can be more gorgeous. She is even better than Victoria’s Secret models,’ Bella replied.

Only then did I notice how beautiful the girl was. She had long brown highlighted hair and light brown eyes, and she had a perfect body like a model or even better. She was wearing a rose dress with sparkles all over. The girl was dressed for a huge party, but I didn’t think she was going to one after that. The most important thing was that she didn’t look embarrassed or even uncomfortable with everyone staring at her. She looked as if she belonged there and as if she liked it.

‘She should thank god for what she has, especially Mark. That guy deserves so much more,’ Alice said, disgusted.

‘Mark? You know him? How? I mean the guy looks twenty or something.’ I was shocked again.

‘He is only seventeen, you silly,’ Bella answered. ‘He has been her boyfriend since they were in our school. They fight a lot. He adores her, and she is happy to own him.’

I didn’t really know what they said after that because I just went to my happy place and started imagining his smile. How beautiful he would look with that smile just like an angel! But not just any angel, my angel! Just the thought made a wide, bright smile spread on my face.

‘Don’t you even think about it. You can never have him. He is just too perfect and you are . . . Alice!’ That was when Alice stepped on Bella’s foot to shut her up.

‘That wasn’t necessary. I wasn’t thinking about him anyway. He is totally not for me,’ I said.

They both stared at me from head to toe and then looked at each other. ‘Liar!’ they snapped at the same time, and we all started laughing. Shanel was gone by then, and everything was normal again until I hit something with my feet while we were walking. I looked down at a little blue box, picked it up, opened it, and found myself looking at a beautiful crystal heart with ‘Mark’ written inside it. It was such a beautiful necklace.

‘Hey, girls, I think we should give this back to Mark or Shanel,’ I said.

‘I would rather die than talk to her,’ Bella said.

‘We can return it to Mark later. He still hangs out with some of the grade ten boys,’ Alice said. ‘Keep it with you until we figure it out, or I can keep it if you hate the guy so much.’

I gave her a look and put the necklace in the blue box, which I kept in my purse. And we laughed some more. I just couldn’t help being so happy. After all, I might be lucky. There was hope; maybe I would see my white knight again.

That was when I first found a reason to live—something to look forward to. I finally had someone to live for. I know that it sounds crazy, but the second I saw him, I felt responsible for his happiness. I felt like I have one reason to live and that reason was seeing him smile and happy, and I promised myself just to do that.

When I went to bed that night, I took the necklace with me. I stared at it for so long, wondering, Will I ever get to know him? Will I ever see him again? Will I like him so much if I know who he really is? And the most important of all: Will he like me? Will he want to know me? Am I his princess, his Juliet just like he is my Romeo? Is my fairytale finally here?

I don’t even remember sleeping that night, but I remember waking up. Someone was knocking on the door. ‘Come in,’ I whispered, sleepy, hoping he would just go away and let me sleep in peace.

‘Good morning, or shall I say good afternoon?’

I glanced at my watch; it was 1.15 p.m. I slept for about twelve hours. ‘Good afternoon, Dad, why didn’t you wake me up before?’

‘I wasn’t hungry before.’

‘Oh, sorry, lunch will be ready in ten minutes.’

‘Actually I just ordered Chinese, so you have about thirty minutes to be fully awake.’

‘Thanks.’

Dad left the room, and I got up, thinking about a really strange dream I had last night. I dreamt that I finally had a reason to live. But what was confusing me the most is how vivid the dream seemed, as if I was really living it, but there was no way such a beautiful creature really existed. I was getting out of bed when the sun from my window reflected on a small crystal on the floor. I saw all the rainbow colors in the light reflection. I took the crystal in my hand and finally believed what I was denying all along that yesterday wasn’t a dream. It looked so real because it was real. He was out there; he existed, and here was the proof. I placed the necklace under my pillow where it will stay until I give it back to him.

After lunch, I called Alice to ask if I could come over. She said I was always welcomed, so I told Dad I was going. He didn’t like it as always, and I didn’t care as always. I got dressed and walked to Alice’s place. Alice opened the door before I could even knock. She must have seen me coming from the window.

‘Good news.’ She was thrilled.

‘Your mom is pregnant.’ I had no idea where that came from. I was shocked at the thought.

‘No, where did that thought come from?’

‘I have no idea.’

‘Anyway forget that now. I made some phone calls, and we are going out with Mark and some of his younger friends next weekend.’

I didn’t know how I can ever thank her. I just threw my arms around her and gave her a hug. ‘I don’t know what to say. Thank you so much.’

‘I know what to say. Can’t breathe.’

‘Oops, sorry.’ I let go of her but continued to thank her for the rest of the day, and I felt like she was going to throw me out the window.

‘I got to go,’ I said after hanging up with Dad who said I had to go home because I had school in the morning.

‘It’s still eight thirty,’ Alice objected.

‘Dad thinks I have to study, but I don’t really have anything to do. Thanks for everything.’

‘If you thank me again, count yourself dead.’ She threaded.

‘Thanks for everything,’ I said at the door.

‘That’s it. I am canceling. You are not going out with him.’

‘No, no, I am really sorry, I won’t thank you again. Promise.’

‘Good. Now shut up and get home before your dad kills us both.’

‘Bye,’ I said. She waved back at me and waited until I turned my back and then closed the door. I walked back home.

We were busy all that week, planning on what we shall do and what to wear. After a really stupid, boring long discussion, they settled on a movie, dinner, and then a walk. Thank god, everyone finally agreed to that. For me, it didn’t really matter where we go or what we do; all that mattered was seeing him again, at least one last time.

2

Out of History

‘It’s not like I don’t want to see him but what if he doesn’t like me?’

‘Everyone likes you,’ Alice said.

‘He is not like everyone else,’ I said.

‘Listen, Mary, you can sleep and dream of what you want, or you can wake up and make it true.’

I hesitated but didn’t answer. She was right, maybe this was the only time I would have a chance to see him and talk to him. If I didn’t go today, I would have to dream about him for the rest of my life without even hearing his voice.

‘I got you, didn’t I?’ Alice said after a minute.

‘You sure did.’

‘I’m on my way. Get your clothes on, and don’t forget the necklace.’

‘Can’t I just keep it? He doesn’t know that I have it anyway.’

‘But I do.’

‘Fine, I’ll give it back.’

‘See you in five then. Bye.’ She hung up, and I knew I had less than five minutes before she knocked the door.

‘Dad?’ I called from upstairs.

‘You want something, Mary?’ he shouted back from downstairs.

‘Alice will be here in five minutes. Will you please open the door for her when she comes? I am still getting ready, and she is coming to pick me up.’

‘Sure, sweetie. Easy to do.’

‘Thanks, Dad.’

I got to the bathroom, showered, and blow-dried my hair, and then I went back to my room. I put on a brown silky shirt with beige designs on it and some beige pants and high heels as always. I took the necklace from under my pillow and put it back in its blue box and then in my brown purse. I went down the stairs where Alice was waiting very impatiently.

‘How long have you been waiting?’

‘For a year or maybe ten.’

‘You don’t look that old,’ I teased.

She smiled, and then we went out and took a taxi to the mall where everyone was waiting, even my white knight.

‘Sorry, we are late,’ Alice said, looking at me, so no one would wonder why.

‘Hi, everyone,’ I said, trying not to look at Mark because I knew I wouldn’t be able to move my eyes from him.

I shook hands with all my friends, but when I got to Mark, I felt my heartbeating accelerate.

‘Hi, I’m Mary,’ I said, shaking his hand with a smile and trying unsuccessfully to hide nervousness.

‘Nice to meet you, Mary. I’m Mark.’ It was like I’ve never heard my name before, at least not with such a sweet voice.

‘Nice to meet you too, Mark,’ I said politely.

‘This is my friend Paul. I allowed myself to invite him. Hope no one minds.’

‘It’s okay, it was an open invitation anyway,’ I assured him quickly.

‘Hi, Paul,’ I said, shaking his hand.

‘Hey there,’ he said with a smile.

‘So which movie?’ Alice asked.

‘Anything but romantic,’ Mark said quickly.

‘Yeah, no one wants the girls to cry,’ Paul answered him. It sounded like a statement with two meanings, and no one but Mark and Paul could understand the hidden meaning.

‘Action then?’ Bella suggested.

‘Can’t it be horror?’ Paul asked.

‘No,’ Alice and I said together; we were both cowards.

So it was action after all. Prince of Persia. And after the movie, we were all hungry, so we went for dinner in the food court.

‘What’s the date today?’ Paul asked when Alice, Bella, and I came back to sit on the table. The guys were still getting their food.

‘It’s 21st of January,’ I answered, not caring why he asked until I noticed Mark staring at him to shut up. I was about to ask why when Paul answered my unspoken question.

‘Today is Mark’s birthday.’

‘Really? Happy birthday, Mark,’ I said.

‘Thanks,’ Mark answered.

‘Hey, guys, come hear this,’ Alice called to the rest of our friends, so they rushed back to our table.

‘What’s up?’ a guy named Zack said.

‘Today is Mark’s birthday. We should celebrate or get him a cake or something,’ I said.

‘No, please don’t. I’m not really in the party mood,’ Mark said.

‘Did you, did you really break up?’ Alice asked.

Mark was shocked by the question just like we all were. She rushed to apologize, but Paul made it even worse. ‘I don’t know how you can even love her. She always fights with you in the middle of the mall or the street or wherever you take her. She is not your mother to shout at you in public places like that. And last week, she said a dog is better than you. You should have slapped her instead of running away like a girl.’

Mark’s face changed colors from red to green and then purple. He was furious, and he couldn’t take one more word from anyone, so he just rushed from where we sat and disappeared at the electric stairs of the mall going down to the door.

‘How can you say such a thing to him? He already looks so hurt. He looks like he is dying. Every smile needs effort to be on his face. What