The Together Years

Prologue

A memory is yours alone, but if that memory contains a story that is not told, it is lost. Having said that, this is not a memoir. The years written about are not my memories of what happened. This is a compilation of actual journals that I kept when my children were first growing up in their world of siblings and parents, friends and places, incidents both good and bad. The voices in these journals are all young voices, including mine, and I promised myself that I would not edit what was written all those years ago. One of the reasons I started journaling in the first place was because I knew so little about my own mother, who died when I was only eight. Once I became a young mother myself, it occurred to me that if something were to happen to me, my children would not remember me or know anything of who I was as they grew up – none of my joys or problems, my frustrations or delights, my anxieties or hopes for them. And because I knew I couldn’t remember it all, I tried to write some of it in a journal. I sometimes felt as if my own personality was being lost, or overlooked, and as I wrote about the days and the children and our lives together, it gave me a chance to assess it all, to see myself in the roles I had to fulfill. I wanted to record the ordinary moments before they were lost, and I wanted my children to know me as a person, not just as their mother. I thought they might also learn something of themselves as children. In my heart of hearts I knew that raising my children was the most important thing I would ever do and I wanted so much to do it right. I knew how lucky I was to be in the midst of them as their world expanded and I could see and be part of that. It has taken me a lifetime of carting these journals around before I have finally gotten them into book form. Here they are as they were written all those years ago – unedited – a story of those first years together .

The author Iris Krasnow in her 1997 book, Surrendering to Motherhood: Losing Your Mind, Finding Your Soul, has one suggestion: Be there … to see it and hear it all. She also advises, We must lavish those we love with our time while we have them.

1963

Jan. 7 – John and Johnny left yesterday afternoon on the bomber to fly to St. Louis where Johnny will stay with his Pappy and GeeGee for a couple of days while John goes on to St. Joseph. They’re at such sword points much of the time – I hope this trip can bring them closer. Johnny is so little at 3 ½ to be resentful of his dad. And it breaks John’s heart, I know. Talked with Mama and Johnny is loving the attention all to himself. Daddy is so good for my kids because he’s calm and predictable. He and Mama seem to command a nice respect from their grandchildren and yet, the children know perfectly well they are loved – it’s a good combination. John and Johnny will be home tomorrow and none too soon. Beth and I don’t like things this quiet and she keeps saying I wonder how Johnny is doing?

Jan. 9 – Anne called tonight; said she and Ellen would plan on coming the 17th and would stay for 9 or 10 days. I’m delighted and shall get busy lining up bachelors. She sounded like she’s in need of a change. (This is my college roommate, Anne Miller, who has been widowed for over two years and has a small daughter, Ellen)

The boys and I walked down to the Community House to pick up Beth from dancing school. Then we all trekked to the library – overdue books again!

Jan. 10 – Just got home from choir practice. I love to finally be singing again after all these years since college. Also, it’s as relaxing for me as anything I know. Funny that John should be so against it — whether it’s because it’s church or because it’s just me doing something on my own. He’s managed to not be home any Thursday night since Oct. so that I use a teen age babysitter for that hour from 7:30 to 8:30.

Jan.11 – Visiting firemen tonight, (this is what my mother used to call business associates from out of town) so John is in the city for dinner, etc. Went grocery shopping today – what a madhouse. I could have knocked heads more than a couple of times … Took Rob to Dr. Costa as he’s been coughing badly. He has bronchitis in one lung. Poor lamb, but thank goodness for modern miracle drugs.

Jan. 12 – Kids went to the Walt Disney movie at school – a bargain at just 10 cents. Johnny came home with an earache. Rob’s bronchitis is much better. He’s so funny about medicine – at 15 months he steps right up and opens wide – then he says Aha — a

Jan. 13 – I loved the hymn the choir sang in church today. That’s the most mentally relaxing hour I spend all week, except when I’m writing or reading a book. Just finished Sinclair Lewis’s biography. What a character he must have been … Mrs. Taylor said today that Johnny’s the best singer in the Sunday school class (and loudest!). She wanted to know if he had the opportunity to hear good music at home and naturally, I said YES! I talked to Kathy today for far too long today – doesn’t seem like long distance somehow – asked them for dinner on the 26th; also the Luptons and Dave P. Ann and Barry Lupton are a darling couple; someday he’ll be a most successful doctor. John thinks she’s the cutest thing and I couldn’t agree more – she’s so genuine along with being so pretty, vivacious and so much fun. (We still saw a lot of John and Kathy Wood and their girls who now lived in Far Hills, NJ. Dave was our wonderful, bachelor friend who shared the apartment in NY with John when he lived with those four bachelors on the West Side for a couple of months while the children and I were still in Indianapolis)

Jan.15 – Sure have been not doing much to be expecting out-of-town company in two days. I filled the house with food – that took a lot of time to spend that much money! It also fills the morning hours while Beth is in school and the boys have to be kept busy with something besides each other … It upsets me so about John’s not getting home in time to see these kids of ours. He leaves the house on a late train so he doesn’t even get in until 11:00 or so and then doesn’t come out until 9:00 – ready for dinner. They are going to grow up right under his nose… It’s been hard enough raising three by myself these last few months or even before that with all those years of law school and work. Now with this new baby due in 2 months, four little peeps isn’t going to make life any easier with Rob only 15 months and Johnny 3 ½ and Beth 5 ½.

Jan. 18 – Anne and Ellen arrived yesterday afternoon. Neither have changed much – Anne is still fun to be around and Ellen looks and acts like she’s been under a log most of her life. Anne is on Ellen’s back all the time about everything … We’re having a dinner party here tonight with the Pfautzes and Bill Clark.

Jan. 19 – Annie and Mike P. couldn’t come because of the weather. Good to see Bill Clark again – he’s such a nice and fun guy. He ended up spending the night. Also, John invited Roy Sinn from K.C. who was in NYC interviewing. He’s absolutely nothing socially – can hardly say hello. He, too, spent the night. It’s so nice to have a big enough house to just switch children and, presto, the 3rd guest room … Have spent a quiet couple of days wriggling our toes in front of a wonderful fire while straw bossing these children. Had a cord of wood delivered yesterday, and it is stacked to the windows by the front porch. It looks like enough wood to keep our fireplace burning for a decade. Johnny feels much better in his bout with the bronchitis that he caught from Rob. Bethie is so good with the younger kids – she makes up pretend games, mostly about horses.

Jan. 21 – Johnny is off to David Burbank’s birthday party. He loved going all by himself and acted terribly grown up as Rob and Ellen had to stay home and nap. He’s been having a hard time with Ellen – every time he looks a little askance at her, she calls him a bad boy so then he rises to the occasion. She has not adapted very socially for a 4-yr. old – won’t even include Robbie or let him come near and he’s certainly no competition for her at only 15 mo. The problem of a child who always played alone plus having a domineering mother, I guess.

Jan. 24 – Last night Anne and I met John in the city for dinner with Drew Baker from Cornell. Also met some other PRI people – Bill Whitehouse among them. He’s a wheeler and a dealer but I think is afraid of John’s position. Drew got terribly drunk at the Cornell Club; asked Anne to come to S. America with him and she, like a fool, led him on. Funny to see her around a group of people, especially men – she’s a real flirt. Suppose that’s what three years of widowhood can do for you. After we left Drew teetering on the sidewalk in front of the Barclay, we picked up the car then drove by the apartment for a drink. All the boys were there so Anne got to meet them. She was quite interested in Dave, although Rocky gave her a start since he looks so much like Bob. (Her husband, Bob Gale, was a Navy pilot who was killed when his plane had a flameout taking off from the carrier)

Jan. 25 – NYC again yesterday. Had lunch and since our stomachs came first, we couldn’t get into a matinee so we saw the movie Divorce Italian Style – really a riot. Got hysterics in Bergdorfs – it’s a wonder we didn’t get thrown out. Met John and Dave at Trader Vic’s – had a pleasant evening and then John and I came on home about 9:00 just as it started to snow. We almost didn’t make it. Anne spent the night in town and will shop today before leaving tomorrow. Mrs. Barrie, who has been around a million kids in her long babysitting days and takes our kids in stride, doesn’t have much good to say about Ellen. John just called – said he and Anne will be out on the 4:50, just in time for our dinner party with the Short Hills crowd.

Feb. 2 – Klausman’s came for dinner last night – a rather unstimulating evening. Thank goodness the Bartons & Taylors were also there. The K. girls kept things at madhouse pitch and Georgiana T. is too self-righteous for me … My folks called tonight – Aunt Lindy has died – a blessing they said, but I can never quite bring myself to look upon death – no matter how great the suffering – as a blessing.

Feb. 3 – Poor Johnny – another hard knock today. This time his chin against a radiator in a fall from the top bunk bed and 7 awful stitches. I came home from church to find them. He was almost hysterical this time at the hospital; I know he was worried about the fact that Johnny Barton was brought to the hospital and never came home. Some arrogant intern wouldn’t let John or me in the emergency room to calm Johnny and they put him in a strait-jacket to sew him up. I was furious. The cut was to the chin bone and it took 4 inside stitches, 3 skin ones.

Feb. 8 – How good it was to get away for the day yesterday in NYC with Kathy. Had a nice lunch & saw Beyond the Fringe – really wacky and way out Englishmen – most enjoyable. The kids were happy I got home early – Mrs. Barrie is so good with them – had them all fed and ready for bed. It was good to see Kathy. She was full of plans – they’ve decided to go to Mexico in March instead of Italy as Johnny only has 13 days of vacation … Choir practice, groceries, laundry – it was easier to enjoy life today after my day off yesterday. Johnny goes to Costa tomorrow to have his stitches out – hope that goes off without any hysterics. I intend to complain to Dr. Costa about the emergency room treatment of a little child. I think Johnny will be traumatized for a long time.

Feb. 9 – John bought himself some ice skates today and took the big kids skating this morning. Beth especially has enjoyed skating and does really well. Johnny, of course, has no fear but at this point enjoys either falling on the ice or sitting by the bonfire. I was afraid he might hit his chin again. Rob was so glad when they came back – he dogs John closer than a little shadow – it’s really funny and I think it gets to John as he includes him in nearly everything w/kids – except ice skating!

Feb. 10 – a quiet day & evening. John sleeps a lot of the weekend – tired from the NY rat-race – I’m rather unsympathetic I suppose. Our cozy fireplace has been one of the nicest things about this winter. Had a letter from the folks – they’ll be here on the 17th and stay 10 days, some of it Shell business for Dad. I’m delighted they’re staying that long, and it will be so nice for the kids as my folks enjoy them so much. Their visit coincides with Beth’s school vacation, which makes her very happy. It will sure help fill the breach for all of us with John gone most of the time. They’ll see a big change in the kids, I think – particularly Robbie.

Feb. 13 – a delightful day spending money shopping in White Plains – got pictures for the LR & DR, curtains for the guest room, maternity blouses for me and everyone a little Valentine present. I’m exhausted though – too pregnant to run around so much.

Feb. 14 – the Zimmerman’s from Indpls. called last night and are here just for the day. Much as I hated to go in town after being away some of yesterday, I got Mrs. Barrie and rode in for lunch with them & John at the Tuscany. Then Ruth and I went to the Metropolitan to see the Mona Lisa, which is here on a special exhibit. It’s a much more beautiful and colorful painting than I had always thought – the background is a brilliant green. Came home early – right into a blizzard, but Betty, bless her heart, met me at the station and also insisted on taking Mrs. B. home. Today was Valentine’s day and John didn’t forget to send everyone cards. He and I both sent silly ones – better under the circumstances than too sentimental.

Feb. 16 – so far a very quiet and lazy weekend. John has slept all day as he’s exhausted after a week of working and then the bar review every night. The folks arrive tomorrow – I’ll be so glad to see them.

Feb. 19 – folks arrived Sunday about noon. They took the train up here from N.Y.C. The train had no heat so they nearly froze, poor dears. The kids were so delighted to have their Pappy and GeeGee come for a visit … Yesterday we went into NYC – Daddy early; Mama & I in time for lunch and a matinee – saw Mary, Mary and it was hilarious. Met Dad for dinner at the Tuscany. This morning Betty and Ginny and Corky came for coffee with Mama and then we went up to Garrison for lunch. The Pfautz’s driveway was really hairy but we made it. Annie took us to see West Point. It is so much bigger than I had supposed – quite impressive – to me anyway. And the Hudson is so beautiful. The bluffs by Garrison and West Point are similar to those along the Mississippi by Principia and Godfrey.

Feb. 25 – Pfautzes for dinner Sat. night and what a fun time we had, as usual! Dinner was excellent – and the company even better. Dad went into NYC again today. Mama and I fixed the MBR – used white drapes, pulled back, and a quilted spread. It really looks nice.

Feb. 27 – another lonely week halfway over. The folks left yesterday for Washington and a visit with Bill and then home … Beth had dancing today – she’s so dependable. I worry about her crossing the street by herself but she’s very careful and I walk her to the end of the dirt road, then watch as she crosses by the church and then to the Community House on the corner. John just has a fit when I let her cross the street to dancing class by herself but I can’t go too far while the boys are still napping. They like to walk to pick her up because we almost always go to the library afterwards.

Feb. 27 – a letter from the folks in Washington. Poor Dad – it breaks my heart when people ask him about Bill and he tries to find something good to say about his son. What ever happened to Bill; how can he and I be so different? He and I were always quite close – especially after Mother died — and then as we got to be teenagers. We used to sing a lot together and dance. He was a very good brother to me – always very particular about what I did or who I was with. We had a lot of fun together but something happened to him when he left home. Whether he was disappointed in love or in college or in himself, I don’t know. It can’t all be his fault and yet why doesn’t he have the responsibility or the strength of character to make something of his life? He’s my only brother yet he is so thoughtless and could care less about my existence or his niece and nephews. Dad is such a responsible, loyal, principled man – why did some of this not rub off on Bill? Maybe Dad was too stern or too impatient or too stubborn with him. It worries me from the aspect of my own children and perhaps making the same mistakes – whatever they were – and producing similar results. Obviously trying to teach your children by example as well as by mere words isn’t enough – what is? More show of faith in them as individuals perhaps – more praise, more trust in them to do the right thing?

Mar. 1 – Today it’s March at last and this baby is about to be overdue. Had coffee with Ginny B. this morning. She seems outwardly to have overcome most of the blow of Johnny’s death. Our Johnny still talks about it so much but I try to be very matter-of-fact about it with him and hope that someday the memory of that little body under the wheels of the school bus will fade from his mind. Thank God he didn’t see as much as I did or that picture would never be gone.

Mar. 3 – John got home late Friday night – slept most all day today. The kids have been angels – kind of putting their best foot forward like he was company. Stewart’s open house last night was fun. I was glad we were late-stayers – as usual. When Betty pulled out the casserole and all the trimmings, I for one, was delighted. She and Stu have many nice friends – easy people to know, and I’m grateful to her for taking us under her wing and introducing us to their friends. They’re really great neighbors.

Mar. 4 – took Johnny to White Plains with me to buy diapers, etc. for the new baby and to lunch. He needs a little special attention every once in a while. What a paradox that little boy can be! … John called – very discouraged as he’d had a big fight with Russ Pelton and might have to make some changes about who he works for. It’s the same old story – once he has an argument with his boss – and they’re never minor disagreements – then it’s never right again. He reads double meaning into everything they say; thinks they’re out to get him, etc., etc. This is probably the start of breaking with Russ – and it’s only been 6 months since we moved across the country to get here.

Mar. 6 – Johnny is back to his sweet self this week, too. It helps his security to have John come home at night. Rob is suddenly into everything and very naughty; I will have to really watch myself so I don’t start yelling at him and get his back up at me and life in general. He’s such a good-natured and easily managed little guy. Johnny is caught in the middle as Beth always sticks up for Rob. That will all be ironed out with this next baby probably. Johnny isn’t nearly as patient w/Rob as Beth was with him (J) but I try to keep from getting after him too much about pounding on Rob. Only hope it doesn’t change Robbie’s sweet nature.

Mar. 8 – John home early tonight – 8:15 – having cut class again. I’m afraid this bar review course will be dropped soon, as was the other one when Don was sick. The kids were delighted to see him, and he was thoughtful enough to bring a gift for them … I kept Bethie home from school as she had a flu bug – hope it doesn’t run thru all of us.

Mar. 10 – Johnny was my church partner this morning as Beth was still under the weather from her Friday flu bug. When we got home, low and behold – John was running the sweeper and had already made our bed (which he was in when I left) and also mopped the kitchen floor. John also informed me he was dropping the bar review course – all kinds of rational reasons. It doesn’t seem fair to quit again at the halfway point but with a new baby any day and all of us needing his presence, I’m not really complaining. Why did he even start it?

Mar. 11 – a day of nothing but Dr.’s appointments it seemed. Me this morning – took both boys – and they were absolute angels. Johnny has gotten so good the last week or so – maybe because I’ve made every possible effort to not lose patience or get mad – just be firm and stick to it. The kids went to Dr. Costa this afternoon – Johnny’s ears are clear – no signs of anyone with anything other than colds.

Mar. 12 – kept Beth home from school again today as she’s been so droopy since having the flu bug last Friday. She slept all afternoon, poor doll, and looks mighty peaked. She never gives me any trouble and is so reasonable and easy to manage. I try and spend time with just her when the boys are napping – we usually read. She is such a joy to me.

Mar. 14 – had my hair done and stocked up on groceries – just in case! Beth is still home from school but eating better. Gave myself a pedicure and what a struggle to reach my toes! I don’t seem to be so awfully big with this baby, but maybe I’m just getting used to myself in this condition … Visited the Bedford Village Nursery School with Johnny this afternoon and was very pleased with the facilities, program, etc. Think I’ll register Johnny for next year and just assume we’ll still be here. John came home for dinner tonight but we might as well have been business associates – all he talks about is what he did or has to do or with whom he’s doing it. He’s all wrapped up in his work. The truth is, he just came home to get a clean shirt and shaving kit and has gone back into town for his busy day tomorrow – plans to stay at the boys’ apartment. I’ve had about an hour of on again, off again pains, probably just because I’m upset. Maybe we’ll get some action on this baby soon. Don’t know why I’m dreading this delivery so – worried about what I might leave behind? … It was beautiful weather today – so nice the kids played outside all afternoon after naps.

Mar. 16 – spent yesterday afternoon cleaning up the den and hanging pictures. Fixed the TV antenna and all the channels look better plus no cords in the way to trip over … The kids were playing outside and when I tried to help Johnny, who was stuck on the ice on the back hill, I fell so hard I thought I’d broken my hip. Plus I was scared, but the baby didn’t even kick back!

Mar. 17 – Lillian arrived today to spend about a month helping me and taking care of the kids when the baby comes (Lillian was an enormous black lady that had worked for us in Indianapolis one day/week and although she had never been to NY, she was willing to come to help for a month. A blessing!) John accidentally slammed the trunk lid on one of my fingers – cut through the nail and most of the finger underneath. It’s broken I’m sure. He felt terrible about it and I had to be so brave in front of the kids when I really wanted to cry and swear.

Mar. 18 – Went up to Garrison yesterday afternoon to get the baby port-a-crib they are loaning us. Stayed all afternoon and laughed ourselves sick – Annie and Mike are such a fun couple, and it’s nice to know some cousins this well and to like them so much. I was amazed at the covering of snow they still have up there whereas we have none in Bedford Hills.

Mar. 19 – John called to say he was staying in town tonight and going to Washington tomorrow – since he was late leaving this morning, he just thought he’d stay. Already he’s griping about this long commute and talking about how wonderful Bronxville would be. But he picked Bedford Hills out and now the kids and I love it and have some good friends … John is also down talking Russ terribly because of some disagreement they had – I can see the writing on the wall already. Another 6 mo. and John will have some other arrangement made – probably in St. Jo with True Davis and ilk. Only I’m not going to move again for a while. It’s too hard on the kids to get all their roots jerked up every year. Beth is doing very well in kindergarten, although her teacher, who is also named Beth, says she is quite shy. Johnny was badly affected by this last move and is just now coming around. I won’t put them thru another one soon. Thank goodness for the 3-yr lease on this house … I’ve been having some pains today – sure wish this baby would get here.

Mar. 25 – last Wednesday morning at 2:12 I had our third little son and am so relieved he arrived safe and sound – it was a close call. I had had some pains by midnight but went on to bed. My membranes broke at 12:45 and I realized spring had arrived with a vengeance as we had lots of snow on the ground and more coming down. Didn’t think I’d better try the hospital by myself so I called Betty and she responded like the good friend and neighbor she is. Stu is also out of town so she woke their 12-year old to be the babysitter with her other kids – I had Lillian in the house with mine – and off we started in this blizzard for the hospital. Got as far as the Indian statue in Mt. Kisco and when we paused at that intersection, the car got stuck. Of course, at that hour and in that snowy mess, there was not another car or human to be seen. Nothing for it but the two of us had to get out and push to get the car unstuck and my pains were now VERY close together. But it worked and we got the car moving again – we checked into the hospital at 1:35 and the baby was born at 2:12. Everything happened so fast – Dr. Berg delivered and he was very calm, as they always seem to be. I remember the baby being born and Berg saying It’s a boy. John arrived at the hospital about 4 a.m. having rented a car to drive out (I guess he’d picked up the message I’d left at the apartment) – he only stayed a few minutes but I was too sleepy to care. The baby’s hands and feet were blue when they brought him to me but he’s fine and our biggest one – 9 lb. 6 1/2 oz and 23 inches long. He has dark hair and looks a little like Beth – very long and lanky with long, narrow feet and folds of loose skin on his neck. I enjoyed my rest in the hosp. – really felt the best yet – my bottom wasn’t even sore. And I had lots of attention from the Bedford Hills nurses. Also many lovely flowers, including beautiful white roses from John that got many compliments. John has named him Thomas Prince – he got out his family tree and one of the ancestors was a Thomas Prince, minister of the Old South Church in Boston. So Tommy it is.

Mar. 28 – Tommy was a week old yesterday and we hardly know he’s here. This is the first time we’ve had the crib in our bedroom but it seems to be working out fine. Rob still has the big crib but this port-a-crib for the baby will be big enough for the next few months. Tommy was welcomed by all his siblings; held by everyone. Robbie wants to climb on the side of the little crib to look and settles for reaching thru to pat the baby. I’m not supposed to go up and down the stairs very often but I’m better at it than Lillian, who is so heavy. Beth and Johnny are great little runners if I need something. Trying to talk Lillian into moving to NY as she really has enjoyed being here and has gone into the city a couple of time to visit relatives, but home and husband are calling her back to Indianapolis and she leaves all too soon. The splint comes off my finger tomorrow and I still laugh when I think of Dr. Berg’s expression in those frantic pre-birth minutes when I asked him to dress that finger after the baby was born!

Mar. 29 – Betty and Stu came over for a few hands of bridge and lots of conversation. John informed me that Bill is arriving on Sunday to pick up the red car and spend some time here, too. What do I do with a 10-day old baby and a 21 yr. old bachelor at the same time? Guess we will just turn Bill loose on N.Y.C.

Apr. 1 – Bill went into the city with John this morning so I am taking it easy in the armchair and letting Lillian do all the work. When he arrived yesterday, it was such a beautiful day we spent the afternoon raking the front yard of a winter’s worth of debris and then burning it. Beth and Johnny felt very grown up and actually helped with the fire but Robbie was the #1 helper! Anything to be near his daddy and now an uncle also to follow around.

Apr. 2 – took Bill around and showed him some of this area and beautiful countryside. It must have been 75 degrees today and the wild crocuses were all blooming. I hope we won’t be moving from this part of the country for a good many years – I love it here. Only wish I could be a kid and grow up around here; hope mine have that privilege. Poor Bill – I’m afraid he’s going to have a tough time with life. He is absolutely thoughtless when it comes to other people and their convenience. He is used to doing things when he wants to and does not do as the Romans in Rome. Thank goodness Lillian is here to get his breakfasts at 10:30 and make his bed and do all the washing and ironing he throws down. All kids are inconsiderate, but he takes the prize.

Apr. 4 – last night I went into the city supposedly to meet Bill & John for a quick, early dinner. But the visiting firemen were in town and we had to go to dinner with them. I was very uncomfortable because I have so-o much milk and still today I hurt some. Lillian said Tommy did all right with his bottle … Bill enjoyed his matinee of Stop the World but the music is too way out for me.

Apr. 7 – Bill spent the day polishing the little red car and it sure does look great. Too bad we can’t justify having two cars at this point in our lives but guess Bill will put it to good use. John slept most of the day while the kids played outside in the beautiful weather after Sunday school. Bill took the car for a long test drive all over the area – Bedford Village, Pound Ridge, etc.

Apr. 9 – Bill left bright and early yesterday – was going to Chicago via Warrenton, Va. I breathed a sigh of relief that he had gotten away with no big blow-up with John, who thinks he’s so spoiled and a brat used to getting everything his own way etc. etc… Anna Lou and her kids came by today to see Tommy – they’d been to the Bedford Barn for clothes. We talked them into staying for lunch – fed all the kids on the picnic table while Annie and I ate peacefully in the dining room and put our heads together about family problems in D.C. – i.e. M.J. is an alcoholic and Bill R. is a 30-yr. old kid. The little boys were cute together – Rob took Wally’s hand and led him everywhere, which seemed to be okay with Wally! The others all have a cousin just their age except poor Kim, who is six years older than Leanne and Beth. And I have to say that for someone almost 12, she is not very willing to help – maybe she has to straw boss little kids too much.

Apr.10 – had Steve, Dave and Wyn for dinner tonight. They are a nice bunch of guys but all are so unhappy in their work and life in general. Doesn’t speak very highly for that wonderful state of bachelorhood! Lillian and I got absolutely hysterical in the kitchen about the dessert, which was a runny mess instead of the creation it was supposed to be! No one minded and as Steve said, it sure beats TV dinners. They all need a few lessons in conversation, though – all they talk about, including John, is Wyn and his great conquest of womanhood.

Apr. 12 – Spent several pleasant hours with Stu and Betty. Had hoped to take advantage of Lillian’s last night here and go to a movie or somewhere. However, John spent the night in the city … Tommy continues to be a wonderful baby. He slept the night thru last night and I have to wake him up to keep any kind of a schedule or when I get uncomfortable with too much milk. Beth and I got our spring hair cut today and I feel pounds lighter!

Apr. 13 – Lillian left early this morning – John took her to Tarrytown to catch the train and then came home for another 4 hours of sleep. He was in NYC with Don and Corky working on the bills until the wee hours. Then when he got home, he was so keyed up he couldn’t sleep, so read for the remainder of the night. Sounds more like something I’d do! …The kids and I spent a hectic but fun hour dyeing Easter eggs.

Apr. 14 – Easter – What a glorious day – all warmth and sunshine – the kind of day I like to get up early and go outside by myself either to walk or snuggle in the sun somewhere with my thoughts. Hard to beat Robbie out of bed, though. The kids were all up early and agog about the Easter Bunny coming and hiding baskets full of their eggs, candy, etc. (he also managed some Play Doh and soap figures) John set up the hammock and our kids plus the neighborhood kids played and bounced in it all day … Talked with my folks last night. They seem to be all settled in their new home and loving it. After all these years on Shell Terrace, I’m so glad they finally have a home of their own … John filled out the income tax – due tomorrow – and shaved it fine. This is the first year we’ve owed the govt.

Apr. 17 – talked to Kathy this morning for ages it seems. We’ll be seeing them on the 3rd as they have tickets to Mr. President. Have missed them of late – it’ll be good to get together … I called Marguerite and asked her to have her realtor friend send me the forms for house listing – we really need to sell that house in Indianapolis – it is such a drain on us … John left late this morning and won’t be home tonight – going to Washington tomorrow.

Apr. 18 – another gorgeous spring day. I took advantage of everyone being out of school and had Lyn baby sit while I went grocery shopping all by myself – one of life’s little pleasures!! Anna Lou called tonight – wanted to know if they could bring Beth home with them after dinner tomorrow night. Kim is riding in a horse show all day on Saturday and Bethie is thrilled to death. We’ll go up Sunday and get her.

Apr. 20 – yesterday I really had to whip around and get ready for the Pfautzes coming for dinner and bridge. My progress was greatly slowed by John who didn’t leave the house until 10:45. How can he gripe because of all he has to do and then not get in until noon? We did have fun last night, though with Annie and Mike. Much laughing, a little bridge after dinner and wit, wit, wit … Tom continues to be an angel baby. Took him to Dr. Costa today – he’s grown tremendously. Weighs 12 ½ lbs at 1 month. Costa and I had quite a conversation about breast feeding. He says, as I too think, that it’s the doctors’ fault that more mothers don’t try it. I told him I would be willing to talk to groups of expectant mothers to give hints and encouragement.

Apr. 22 – yesterday we went up to Garrison to pick up Beth and they of course insisted we stay for dinner, which we did. More zany conversation and much laughter – we so enjoy being around them. The boys loved the outing – Johnny has been so good and grown-up all weekend. With Beth gone and only Rob to play with, Johnny really rose to the occasion and was a wonderful big brother … I was full of energy this morning and have made the most of it – lots of washing done, all beds changed, baked a pie, etc. Kids were good except Rob is into everything and the older ones argue, so I did my daily quota of frowning and scolding. Wish I could be only a gentle, soft-spoken mama, but I seem unable to manage it somehow. I‘m going to really make an effort to try, however. Thank goodness for the afternoon nap/quiet hour. It’s my time to play with Tommy and have him to myself for just a little.

Apr. 23 – Johnny complaining about his ears again so we went to see Costa and sure enough, both ears infected. A shot of penicillin plus pills for the next 10 days. So far, no one has the allergy to penicillin that both Dad and Bill have. According to Dr. Costa, we may have to have Johnny’s adenoids out before there is permanent ear damage. He can’t hear very well, it seems, since these ear infections this winter – hope there’s no permanent loss of hearing … John staying in town tonight as he’s going to Washington tomorrow for the very important measles case. I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Jerry Wojta, who was on the town with John the night Tommy was born – either he’s really soft about new babies or he is currying John’s favor.

Apr. 26 – a rather hectic day by any standards. Took Tommy to Mrs. Barrie this morning while the boys and I did errands – Betty was an angel again and babysat during naptime while I took Johnny to Costa for a complete physical, family history, etc. He’s a very thorough and most patient doctor – has a real way with kids … I completely forgot a party at Klausman’s that Beth was going to so she was late … John came home in time for dinner and the kids ate with us in the dining room and were wonderful. I love family dinners when we can all be together over a meal, and even the youngest ones have conversation to add so they’re a part of it.

Apr. 27 – John was going into the city to look up a couple of articles about the measles case but Costa had one of them and he ordered the other. So glad he could stay home, not only because he needs a little change from work but because he should. The kids were thrilled to have him around – Rob follows him like a shadow. I got the pansies planted along the front of the house. Must get the geraniums fixed for the boxes next.

Apr. 28 – a gorgeous spring day – kids played outside after Sunday school. John decided not to leave until tomorrow which pleased me no end – I don’t know why I have this aversion to Sunday afternoons and evenings but if ever I feel low or lonely or sad for any reason, the feeling is doubled if it’s a Sunday. We got the porch cleaned – it’s going to be lovely this summer – hopefully, we’ll eat out there often. John seemed more relaxed by the end of this weekend after lots of rest, a little yard work and of all things, a little house work! Ran the sweeper for me and put away dishes, etc. He had a good taste of why I’m a little harried at night. By tonight he was really mumbling about kids, their fights, messes they make, etc. especially Rob, who is usually so good, stopped shadowing Daddy long enough to get into real trouble today.

Apr. 29 – John is in Kansas City tonight having dinner with Nan & George and then on up to St. Jo tomorrow … Tommy is getting so cute – coos at me and smiles now. I really think he looks more like Beth than the other boys at this age but at any rate, he’s a darling baby.

May 1 – My day started off all wrong today by being cold and rainy so no one could go outside. I wonder how I got thru the winter with everyone, including the neighborhood, inside every day! Also talked to Kathy this morning and that didn’t help my mood – I get dissatisfied with my lot in life when I hear all they’re doing. It’s refreshing to know of someone who’s idea of a perfect weekend is not sleep all day and TV on Sat. night. The Woods went to the Jersey shore last weekend and are going on a canoe trip this weekend. Of course, the big difference is that Kathy has live-in help in the house and I don’t think I really envy her that … Dave Page called this evening to invite us out to Long Island one weekend in May. I’m thrilled as I need to get away from this house and these kids for a while. Hope I can find a babysitter and since Tom does fine on a bottle, the only one who will be uncomfortable will be me. But I’ll manage for a few hours …No call from John so I don’t know when he’ll be in.

May 2 – a trying day – still cold and damp. The boys went outside this morning but played in the hose twice – the second time soaking themselves so badly they had to come in and change. I, of course, yelled and even gave a swat and now I’m feeling all guilty. I really should be able to handle these situations with not only more calmness but with more good humor too. They are so little and my getting upset easily is nothing more than a bad habit. Anything but a grumpy Mama! … John finally called – said he wouldn’t be home until Friday evening but would meet me and the Woods in time for dinner and the show. The kids are beginning to wear thin – Beth & Johnny seem to argue so much. Things will look better after I have a few hours away.

May 4 – had a really good time with Johnny and Kathy last night. We are such close friends in spite of the fact that John and Kathy are often at each other. She was giving him a hard time last night but he was being kind of pompous. The show, Mr. President, was enjoyable, if not world shattering. John and I kept our pact about no derogatory remarks in front of the Woods. We ate dinner at Le Chevall Blanc, a little inexpensive French restaurant John knows about and it was very tasty and homey, not chic … Today John slept most of the day. I finally took the kids to Leonard Park this afternoon. They love to feed the ducks and climb on the play equipment … We got a big box of clothes for the kids from John’s mother – very thoughtful. She guessed right about everybody except Johnny – his things were much too small.

May 6 – Tommy is wondrous – for the past two nights he has slept from 6 to 6 and he’s so little! … Kind of a blue day today, what with John going to be gone for another week. I get tired of only eating with children and I’m sure they must get just as tired of me all the time. This afternoon we all took a walk – what an entourage and all mine! I still don’t think in terms of four kids until I see them all strung out on bicycles and strollers … Talked with Mom F. tonight and thanked her for the kids’ clothes – Dad’s gone also and I tried to get her to come visit us soon. The kids have changed so since she saw them last – and she’s never seen Tommy. They’ll be grown before she realizes it.

May 7 – another lovely spring day – I got caught up on the ironing this morning while the boys played outside. The basement is so handy with that outside entrance – I can be ironing or folding clothes and still keep an eye on what’s happening in the yard. Johnny and Rob have been playing well together; it’s better when Jimmy Barton isn’t in the mix … My quiet time was spent with organizing bills – I hate to start writing checks … The kids are all sniffing due to weather changes or blooming things … Beth brought home her handprint done in ceramic for Mother’s Day – she’s very proud of how wonderful it looks, bright red paint, etc… John called to say he’d be home tonight then off tomorrow for points west.

May 8 – took Beth to Fox Lane for a rehearsal of her dance program and while she was there, the boys and I went grocery shopping – such madness. It was such a beautiful day that we took a ride in the country on the way home – flowering trees and bushes, daffodils and wild violets blooming everywhere.

May 9 – drove up to Garrison this afternoon with some of Beth’s outgrown clothes for Annette – Anna Lou and I had a good visit while the kids played and Tommy cooed. It was very warm but a beautiful drive. The roads abound with blooming trees and bushes which are native to this part of the country. I don’t remember the Midwest having so many blooming things in spring. I love living here – it gives my spirit a real lift … I had an appointment with Dr. Berg this morning. He says I’m in good post-natal shape but emphasized some specific exercises he thinks I should do. Also had a Pap smear and got a diaphram – his cryptic comment was If you get pregnant right away, we’ll know it wasn’t the right size.

May 11 – John came home in an odd mood last night. He has so much ambition for power, position, money; he said he wanted to drive to work in a limousine, travel somewhere different all the time, have people know who he is. Who is this man I married?? We don’t want the same things out of life at all. He is insisting I find a full-time maid to take the kids and house off my hands (as if we could afford it!) He can’t imagine that I enjoy being with the children and doing things with them; can’t understand that I take pride in my house and how it looks, in my cooking and entertaining and that I don’t want my children raised or taught by anyone else. I would like a cleaning woman once a week and I do like to get away from the kids now and then but I feel we do this – more than some people certainly. But John keeps harping on the fact that he’s not some people – he’s different and wants to be known that way. He thinks of himself as exceptional and wants all the things he thinks goes with that. To him it’s an apartment in the city, a big fancy car, etc. We are worlds apart on everything that really matters, except how to raise the children – we seem to agree on most of that. He’s not worth all the sacrifices of family and home and community and friends and pride and peace of mind that he expects me to give up just for him. He has never worked at this marriage and I’m tired of doing all the giving in and the changing. He’ll just have to go his own exceptional way!!

May 12 – today was Mother’s Day – kind of ironic after our talk of last night. John brought home some new wine glasses as my Mother’s Day gift – a pretty good match for our crystal. This afternoon we all went to Beth’s dance program and took Ellen, too. It was very good and rather amazing what Steffi does with even the littlest ones. She works mostly on body formation rather than ballet style. We were all so proud of Beth … Tonight we got the shelves up in the den at last. It’s wonderful to finally have the books out of their boxes. A very domestic day – big contrast to the conversation last night. John’s way of making up for all that spouting off probably.

May 15 – went into NYC today – I drove in and that’s the way to go rather than by train. I was one hour exactly from our house to the 11th Ave. garage. Met the Woods at Trader Vic’s for dinner, and then we all went on over to the bachelor’s apartment for their party. Lots of young, single people – had a good time though – too much gin and tonic, which I should never drink in quantity, but I seem to need that lesson every spring.

May 16 – the riding lesson was cancelled again – poor Beth is such a good sport about it but she really loves to ride that little pony … I stained the book shelves to match the knotty pine wall and they look so nice. Of course we couldn’t use the room as there were books sitting everywhere but the kids were outside anyway. For the first time in several moves we have enough room for all the books – wonderful! … I taught Robbie to swing by himself this afternoon – he is so proud and such a darling little boy.

May 17 – John, Rob and I took off this morning in the rain and bought John a tennis racket – my present for his birthday. We’re trying out the babysitter who is going to stay tomorrow while we go to Long Island. Tonight we left the two little boys with Lizzie and went to the Gillettes for dinner. What a madhouse – our kids were good, tho, and I’m glad we were finally able to go down to Hartsdale as I know Corky has been embarrassed about how many times they’ve been up here.

May 18 – a simply beautiful May day. John and I drove to Long Island and spent the day with Dave and his date (nice girl) Wyn and his date (stewardess slut) Steve, Ann Potts and another guy. Played tennis, cooked out and had a really marvelous time. Dave’s half of the cottage is almost as big as our whole house. Granny Wood’s estate is another world but so beautiful – how I hope they don’t have to break it up.

May 19 – today was Beth’s birthday – first presents at breakfast; then I took refreshments by the school for her class; then we had seven for lunch with cake, etc. – a fun birthday party. Then again tonight – more cake with Daddy. The made-up riding lesson was cancelled again but we’ll do it yet – it’s a promise for her birthday that she can learn to ride. Hard to believe Beth is 6 years old – she is such a joy but growing up too fast – I’ll turn around and she’ll be 16. Johnny and Robbie were thrilled with the celebrations all day.

May 20 – went to a tea this afternoon to meet the new nursery school teacher Johnny will have next year. Lots of mothers there and the ones I met were very nice. The teacher I liked much more than the one they’ve had – she had so much more warmth; also a younger person, well-qualified with children of her own. I know Johnny will love going to school this fall for 3 mornings a week. And with both Beth and Johnny gone those mornings and Tommy napping, I can spend some time with just Robbie – he’s fun to do almost anything with, plus he’ll really need my attention as he’ll be missing Johnny so much.

May 22 – John’s birthday today. I was supposed to go in town for dinner but after the Woods cancelled out and John said he’d have to stay in tonight and catch an early flight for D.C. tomorrow, I decided to not make that trip to the city. Since I already had Mrs. B lined up for babysitting – and I think she depends on this extra income – I went to White Plains instead – got some new underwear as I was out of everything. Also took care of a wedding present, birthday presents, etc. Got home to find that Beth had thrown up in school and was sent home. I’ve been up all night with Johnny throwing up every half hour. Hope Robbie and the baby don’t get this bug as well. Luckily, John is gone . .

May 23 – had a wonderfully interesting meeting at the library this morning about the children’s story hour that I’m participating in this summer. The art of story telling – and it is an art – is a part of our folklore we’re about to lose. This is such a great little library. After the meeting, I did my grocery shopping since Mrs. Barrie was with the boys – Had to talk myself out of throwing up a couple of times in the store – I must be getting the kids’ flu bug.

May 24 – John got home last night and the kids were so glad to see him, especially Rob who turned inside out and showed off in every way he could think of. They gave Daddy their birthday presents for him. He hadn’t gone to Washington yesterday after all – maybe a little birthday celebration with the bachelors?? He said he much preferred to stay in because he could sleep until 8:00 a.m. and still be at work by 9:00. Meanwhile, these kids are growing up without him and he and I are growing apart more and more. I evidently caught the kids flu bug as I threw up in the night; had chills, etc. Robbie had me up at 5:00, Johnny at 5:30 and then Tommy woke up to be fed at 6:00 – all of which didn’t make me feel any better! Neither did the fact that John slept late, sauntered down for breakfast at 9:00 and barely made the 9:43 train which puts him in the city at 11:30.

May 26