White Roses in a Dream: Traits, Patterns and Action Plans

Contents

Author Biography

Preface

Introduction

Prologue

Chapter  1  Irrational Thinking Due to Fear

Chapter  2  White Roses Symbolize New Beginnings

Chapter  3  Patterns within Families

Chapter  4  In Fear of Two Manipulating Devilish Snakes

Chapter  5  One Never Knows

Chapter  6  Feeling like Cinderella

Chapter  7  Quite an Adventure

Chapter  8  Wishing I Had Bob with Me

Chapter  9  Fearing for My Life

Chapter  10  I Must Be Dreaming

Author Biography

Marvela Dawnay grew up in a small town in Missouri. She was a corporate executive and then later became a successful entrepreneur. She has attended two universities and served in the US Army Reserves for six years. Due to the mental and physical abuse she endured from her ex-husband she wrote this book with the intent of helping others.

Preface

In my past, I have always enjoyed helping others. I know that people don’t like hearing about negative things, and to be honest, I don’t either. Sometimes, however, we have to get through the negative situations within our lives to learn what the positive things are in order to overcome the negative. That is what I did. Various people inspired me to take a big risk to write my first book, MANipulated Into Fear: There Is Always A Pattern, and because of their inspiring me, my desire has been to inspire others. I want to be able to provide you with ways to maintain yourself during an abusive relationship and with tools to overcome it.

Let me start by making you aware that if you are currently in an abusive relationship or have been in one, your feeling of fear never goes away about the person you fear. Often, I wanted to take revenge against Rolf, but by the grace of God, I realized that that was not the right thing to do and that it was very important for me to control my fear. I am going to list the traits and patterns that have helped me, and as I watch my daughter LaKina in an abusive relationship, I have realized that she is also implementing some of what I do and what I have done in the past. I truly believe that maintaining my traits and patterns is the reason why my daughter and I are so strong and can maintain a normal life while dealing with abuse and living in fear.

I highly suggest that you take my advice and really try to enforce these traits and patterns and make them a part of your life. Set standards for yourself and know that you must take care of you in order to help yourself and others.

All throughout the day have faith and remain in faith. When you believe in something good, you will always do the right things in life.

As often as you can, listen to inspiring, positive, motivated people who help others. They will build your self-esteem and self-confidence. I will name a few: Joel Osteen, Dr. Phil, and Oprah Winfrey.

Reach out to a family member whom you know you can trust for positive and negative feedback.

Take daily notes regarding your life. Make copies of documents and file them away for reference at a later time.

Beginning, during, and after your storm always assist someone else by helping them with their needs. Assisting and sharing your positive energy will take the focus away from yourself and will help both of you to move forward.

Educate yourself. You do not have to attend college to further your education. There are other resources, and I will name a few. Utilize a search engine on your computer or cell phone to research topics and articles that will expand your knowledge and frequent libraries and bookstores to read books and magazines.

If you have a profession, always continue your professional education.

Everyone has great qualities within themselves. Think really hard about what you want to do with your life. Depending on your financial situation it is imperative that you have sufficient income. If you do not have money, then you must work somewhere and remain on a tight budget so that you are able to leave the abuser.

Exercise. You can do this at home anytime and anywhere, and don’t make it a chore. Try to take long walks at least four to five days a week. Walking is good for the mind and body.

Listen to all types of music. Have fun with the songs by dancing or singing or both.

Learn about things that symbolize new beginnings and purity. I focused on the meaning of different roses. You may not believe what I have to tell you, but white roses saved my life! It’s truly amazing how objects that have meaning can instill hope within your life.

Don’t allow an abuser to disrespect you by name calling or hitting. Try to walk away or leave the situation if you can. When you allow disrespect to happen, abusers know that they are stripping away your self-esteem.

Learn to say no when the abuser tries to make you do something that you know is not correct. When you tell them no and they try to force the issue and make negative comments, leave and don’t give in to them.

Do not enable an abuser or your children. By enabling them, they will never learn the true consequences; therefore, their patterns continue.

Once you have grasped these traits and patterns it is time for you to reach your destiny and not someone else’s. Follow my action plans and you will succeed.

Think it—Think about the negatives and positives in your life. Write them down.

Plan it—Research and educate yourself about your current situation and then begin making plans on how you can change it.

Do it—Put your plan into action.

As a reader, you are probably thinking, Yeah right, how can I do this when I am being manipulated, controlled, and abused?

You must listen to me. My traits, patterns, and action plans can be done, but you have to make up your mind to implement them. This is a process, and it will not happen overnight.

It is very important for you to keep in mind that once you have regained your self-esteem and your mindset is changed, you must move forward. When the abuser screams and threatens you, just stick to your plan.

Don’t be like me and waste thirteen years of your life thinking that the abuser who manipulates and abuses you really loves you and will change.

If you continue allowing the abuser to make you think he or she will change, then your life will go around in circles, and you will never leave this abusive relationship permanently. The fact of the matter is this: the abuser does not love you. Abusers only maintain relationships for their self-gain.

What’s love got to do with it when you are being manipulated and abused? Nothing!

Because I allowed my ex-husband, Rolf, to abuse and manipulate me into fear, I no longer have my career, and LaKina is currently in an abusive relationship.

I am trying to tell you that an abuser will and can ruin your life and your children’s lives if you do not at some point begin to make changes and get out.

I am challenging each and every one of you to come out of your box and start talking about what an abuser is doing to you or someone you know. Abuse has always been a hidden subject, and we need to speak out in order to hold all predators accountable for what they do to us. We cannot make changes by containing ourselves in the dark and never reaching out. Let’s fight for what we know is right.

I leave you with this thought: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have peace in your mind, body, and soul with you in control of your life and not living in fear every day? No more screaming, profanity, name calling, hitting, pushing, and telling you what to do, and no more threats to kill you. Never having to worry about where the abuser is or when that person is coming home, and never again having to ask yourself why you’re being abused and then taking the blame for the abuser’s actions.

If you took all of this abuse away, don’t you see a better environment for you and your family? You must always view your situation and keep in mind that the problems are not because of you. It is the predator who is able to make you feel like the abuse is your fault and not his. Remember that you are the empathetic, loving, caring individual with a true heart that a predator preys on for his or her own gain. Take a look at yourself and think about how you were before you made a big mistake by letting an abusive person into your life, someone who only intends to destroy and use you for self-gain.

You cannot replace the damage and time that is taken from you. Please make the right choices with your life. Please.

Introduction

I must begin by telling you that I had no idea how much I feared Rolf until I walked out of his dealership with the intent of never going back. I asked myself, What gives Rolf the right to make me fear for my life? I felt that he did not have the right to live after what he had done to me. I began to contemplate ending his life before he ended mine.

The feeling of confusion continued to sweep through my mind. What was my life going to be like now? In the past, I had always had my banking career, so I never had fear of being unemployed. Leaving Rolf this time, I was going to be unemployed.

I kept thinking, God, what have I done? Why did I allow a man to manipulate, control, and abuse me for his self-gain? How did my life end up this way?

Now my daughter and I were both unemployed due to a manipulating, abusive psychopath. She was able to draw unemployment, but I did not want to do that because I had budgeted my money and planned on writing a book.

Regardless of my next step in life, it was important for me to keep my mind focused on tying up loose ends that would keep me from having further liability with Rolf and that awful dealership. Of course I ran into some difficulties, but as time progressed I found a solution, which sometimes meant forfeiting another gain to Rolf.

On a daily basis while writing, I continued my routine of traits and patterns, and I was determined to stick to my plan and publish a book with the intent to help others.

It was a nightmare from hell writing my first book about how Rolf had manipulated me into fear and the abuse I had endured. I was on an emotional roller coaster disbelieving what he had done to me and how I had allowed it to happen. The thoughts to end Rolf’s life continued to enter my mind, but by staying in faith, I knew that killing Rolf was not the right thing to do.

I was very fortunate to have my mom, Rose, as a sounding board while I was writing and reliving my past with Rolf. No matter what, she was always there for me when I needed to vent my anger and emotions.

It’s amazing to think that something as simple as a white rose can actually make people want to live another day when they feel like giving up. There was a time when I wanted to end my life, but when I went to the grocery store, I spotted a dozen white long-stemmed roses. Purchasing them, I began to have the thought process of new beginnings for my life.

I continued to mentor my friend Oscar, the cake baker, and he never failed to spiritually mentor me. I found that Oscar greatly appreciated my sharing my positive energy and assisting him when he was in need.

Santo, my neighbor, was my sounding board out on the back deck of our condominiums. He always listened to me talk about my fears and troubles; he seemed to be looking out for my family and me.

Spending quality time with my grandson, Hunter, on a weekly basis kept me from falling into a long-term depression. When he came over to my house, I would stop writing and do things with him. While being with Hunter, I was reminded of how grateful I should be for where I was and that I was capable of writing about my story to help others.

Hunter and I have a very strong bond, but I became worried when he began showing signs of aggression. He would be very calm and fine for a long period of time, and then, all of a sudden, he would blurt out foul language, want to bite or hit something, or throw his toys out of anger. When an incident occurred, it was unfortunate, but I knew that his aggression stemmed from his environment.

I must make you aware that patterns of abuse are generally patterns within families. When children live in an abusive environment, it can really affect them at a young age. As they grow older, due to their childhood, these children will also be attracted to manipulating, abusive predators, and once they begin a relationship, leaving it will be difficult—maybe impossible.

My daughter has been manipulated on and off for nine years by an abusive punk. His name is Hugo, and he is the father of her children. Hugo has always been in and out of trouble with the law. He continues to live in society and repeats his patterns without serving the long-term consequences in order for him to learn a lesson. He is able to manipulate his parents and others, who in turn enable him. By disclosing some of Hugo’s behaviors, you will see that Rolf and Hugo have a lot in common. How would you like to be in fear of two manipulating, devilish snakes?

With everything going on in my life, it was time for me to go on a month-long vacation that I had booked months ago. I was very excited to see my girlfriend Dana again and spend time in Germany. Because I was living in fear and scared every day, I thought that by going away and leaving this environment for a while, I would be able to leave my feelings of fear behind. Sometimes one never knows what to expect on a trip. There were times when I felt like Cinderella, had quite an adventure, and wished that I had brought my weapon for protection.

While writing White Roses In A Dream, I reread my first book and realized that I never had a father figure; nor did I receive respect from a man while I was growing up. Because of my childhood, I had always yearned for a man to love and respect me and was willing to go to great lengths for that man if he made me think that he did love and respect me. It was very shocking and devastating at my age to learn that I had been