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    Memoirs of a Silent Exhibition: No More!
    Memoirs of a Silent Exhibition: No More!
    Memoirs of a Silent Exhibition: No More!
    Ebook106 pages1 hour

    Memoirs of a Silent Exhibition: No More!

    By Denise Humphrey

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    About this ebook

    Within the first few months of her marriage, Denise Humphrey learned that her husband was gay. Tortured by intense and conflicted emotions she existed alone and shut away from life as if in a coffin, both during the marriage and the decade after.

    Denise and John loved each other in many ways, making their situation very tragic. They met each other as classical pianists, performed duets together, enjoyed each others company, and wanted to be parents. At the same time, parts of their lives were closeted from other people, as well as from each other.

    Early in the marriage, John became a medical doctor, and later Denise became a psychologist. After having two delightful sons they both absolutely loved and adored and still do the torment of her shuttered life increased even more dramatically because of intense fear that her feelings of shame and secrecy would be passed on to the boys.

    Throughout the memoir you will embrace the enormous struggles Denise endured, how she eventually decided to end the marriage, how Denise and John disclosed to their sons, and how all four of them grew even closer through the process. This memoir reveals its resolution and miraculous metamorphosis. Life tragedies can be surpassed!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherBalboa Press
    Release dateSep 12, 2013
    ISBN9781452578712
    Memoirs of a Silent Exhibition: No More!
    Author

    Denise Humphrey

    Dr. Denise Humphrey is a clinical psychologist and has received literary awards in this profession. Her book is a memoir of having been married to a husband who turned out to be gay and how the family dilemma was surpassed. She lives in Dallas, Texas, and runs a private practice.

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      Book preview

      Memoirs of a Silent Exhibition - Denise Humphrey

      CONTENTS

      Introduction

      Chapter 1

      How Childhood Created My Life Of Silence

      Chapter 2

      Meeting My Man

      Chapter 3

      The Early Phase Of Our Marriage

      Chapter 4

      Becoming A Mom

      Chapter 5

      Meeting My Birth Mom

      Chapter 6

      Making The Decision To Depart

      Chapter 7

      The Period Of Separation

      Chapter 8

      The Miraculous Metamorphosis: A Decade Of Transformation

      Chapter 9

      My Meaningful Family

      Afterword The Alternate Voice John Humphrey, Md

      References

      DEDICATION

      This memoir is dedicated to my adorable family:

      John, Andy, and Nick,

      the miracles of my life!

      "If a man does not keep pace with his companions,

      perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer.

      Let him step to the music he hears,

      however measured or far away."

      —Thoreau

      ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

      My heart is full of appreciation for all of those who have impacted my life and for their support in my publishing this memoir. Their loving support has been a blessing in every way. John, Andy, and Nick are my incredible family members whom I love and cherish. Over time my adopted siblings and I have dropped the pain from the past, and I am so grateful that we are now cheerful and charming with each other.

      Jan Ringle provided insightful suggestions during the editing process, and she is the friend who motivated me to seek John’s description of his situation. This became the afterword.

      Ellen Schecter, PhD, has supported me from the very first day I met her at Fielding Graduate University’s orientation. We connected immediately and have regular conversations about all aspects of our lives.

      Ellen Simon, MEd, MS, LPC, BCIAC, understands and cherishes me and our personal and professional relationship, and we have felt like sisters since the moment we met.

      Fred Griffin, MD, is an astonishing author as well as a therapist. His insights have been miraculous.

      Another remarkable friend and colleague is Susan Roos, PhD. She also is an astonishing author as well as a therapist, and her insights have been profound. Her famous book is Chronic Sorrow.

      I highly acclaim the colleagues in my peer supervision group, clinical psychologists Antonia Guerra-Watson, Jen Hartman, and Lisa Wechsler. We meet once a month to discuss cases for which we need suggestions, but at the same time we are close friends, and all three of my fellow group members have supported me for many years.

      Lynne Randall was the very first person in my life to whom I felt comfortable disclosing my personal situation. I highly admire her to this very day.

      Cathy Lysinger is the piano teacher I now have as an adult, and she is phenomenal in every way. With her as my teacher, my performance anxiety has been almost completely eliminated.

      INTRODUCTION

      Mixed-orientation marriage is a marital union in which one spouse is gay, lesbian, or bisexual (GLB), and the other is straight. This type of marriage typically operates underground until the GLB spouse either discloses his or her true sexual identity or is outed. When the gay person comes out, the straight person usually falls into the closet, becoming isolated while grappling with this confession. Issues of trust, betrayal, shame, comfort, how or whether to inform the children, and whether to remain together or depart are all agonizing predicaments that often create a bind for both partners.

      Memoirs of a Silent Exhibition shares this type of story. I was married to John, who turned out to be gay. Joe Kort, a therapist and author who works with those in mixed-orientation marriages, shares that when a gay person comes out to his or her straight spouse, the couple is likely to embark on a roller-coaster ride of emotional stages that often encompass humiliation, revenge, renewed hope, rage, and finally, resolution (2005, p. 2). This was essentially our trip.

      Why is it that the majority of GLB individuals who enter a mixed-gender marriage cannot be open and disclosing about their sexual orientation? Religion, family influence, and cultural stigma all contribute to the formation of a mixed-orientation marriage. GLB people can internalize societal homophobia, which can create schemas of shame, fear of rejection by parents and friends, concerns about disappointing family members or coworkers, identity confusion, and much, much more. Consequently, GLB individuals may live in denial, not acknowledging to themselves or others that this is their sexual orientation, and therefore do not disclose to the straight partner. In other words, they enter a marriage as part of a traditional heterosexual couple, and their true sexual orientation remains in the closet. However, denial of true sexual identity can create a lonely world that stifles the individual’s ability to live an open and vibrant life. It usually creates intense internal conflict, especially if children are part of the family, because the gay spouse often wants to be part of both worlds.

      Memoirs of a Silent Exhibition discloses significant portions of my life during which I felt isolated, shamed, and worthless, with a lack of distinct identity. I was exhibiting my external life silently to others long before I met John. I was raised in a family in which I never felt valued. I had no sense of importance or meaning and eventually determined at an unconscious level that my whole life was nothing more than a large mistake. It was shortly after our marriage that I found out John was gay. The public exhibition of my life situation became even more silent. I lived in an even bigger coffin for many years but eventually came back to life.

      While growing up, I avoided journaling and writing in diaries because I had a strong fear that someone would find them and read about my personal feelings and conflicts. At one point, however, the needs felt stronger than the risk. This memoir actually includes a large portion of journal entries from the time I met John, documenting how we interacted, how I was dealing with my adoptive family, how I met my birth mother, feelings I experienced during the marriage, how I learned about his being gay, how it affected our children, and how we transcended the trauma. I am certain that my marrying John and remaining saddled after learning the truth was directly related to my childhood experiences.

      The primary reason I decided to write a memoir was to help myself, my family, and all people recognize that we have the ability to transform both positive and unfortunate life experiences into wisdom. Although the process is not simple, we can arrive at a psychological state where we don’t allow the negative, intrusive, or disturbing behaviors from others to impact us in wrong and hurtful ways. I firmly believe that our past history creates our personal thoughts, which then create our personal emotions. Unless there is a physical or mental health problem that significantly interferes, we all can improve our thinking, which will then improve our actions, our personalities, our beliefs, and our levels of functioning. If our mental nucleus is one of victimhood or martyrdom, we won’t truly blossom into our full life, into our full self, or in our relationships. In this memoir I unveil my story, not only to purify myself, but also to share my belief that although there are many aspects of our human existence over which we have no control, there are also ways to overcome suffering. We have the ability to readjust our fixated thoughts because we really can overcome the pessimistic beliefs embedded in our minds.

      Memoirs of a Silent Exhibition is my own personal story, and I do not wish to imply that every straight person who enters and remains in a mixed-orientation marriage experiences the same psychological factors that complicate their decision over whether to divorce. Everyone has their own life story. In reading this story, you will follow my journey of tragedy and turmoil that eventually led to reverence and resolution.

      As stated by Iyanla Vanzant, when you stand and share your story in an empowering way, your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else (Quotables, 2013). My dream is that other families in similar situations will learn that they too can keep the love of the family united. We live in a society that, as Joe Kort has stated, shames gays and lesbians to role-playing heterosexuality. If gays were treated with respect and empathy to begin with, much personal suffering and chaos could be spared (2005, p. 5), and that

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