Ordinary Miracles: A Journey Through Primary and Secondary Infertility

Copyright © 2012 by Krissi Marie McVicker

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ISBN: 978-1-4697-5812-1 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4697-5813-8 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4697-5814-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012901657

iUniverse rev. date: 4/5/2012

Contents

Preface

Acknowledgments

Part 1

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Part 2

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Part 3

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Part 4

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 33

Chapter 34

Chapter 35

Part 5

Chapter 36

Chapter 37

Chapter 38

Chapter 39

Chapter 40

Chapter 41

Chapter 42

Part 6

Chapter 43

Chapter 44

Chapter 45

Chapter 46

Chapter 47

Part 7

Chapter 48

Chapter 49

Chapter 50

Chapter 51

Chapter 52

Chapter 53

Chapter 54

Part 8

Chapter 55

Chapter 56

Chapter 57

Part 9

Chapter 58

Chapter 59

Chapter 60

Chapter 61

Chapter 62

Chapter 63

Resources

For my ordinary miracles:

Ella, Logan, and Mia

Mommy will always love you forever and a day.

Preface

I have read a few infertility books but never connected with any of them. They were all chock-full of helpful information but lacking what I found I needed the most, the emotional aspect, the practical details of what women were feeling through their cycles, a story I could relate to and be inspired by. I did find this connection online at an infertility message board. Here, women poured out their souls, asked questions, and answered mine. It gave me solace during a very confusing time. It was my lifeline. I could privately dish and be heard there, and I felt like I wasn’t alone, which was tremendously helpful because truly I was alone. No one I knew was going through anything like what I was going through. Mostly, my friends and family who were getting pregnant were doing it pretty quickly and, in some cases, right away. I didn’t really have anyone to turn to.

After going through infertility for my first child and then going through it again for my second, I often pondered the Why me? question we all face occasionally, especially those of us who are infertile. Why do I have to go through all of this? To make me a stronger person? To be a better mom? To inspire others, perhaps? After a lot of reflection, I do feel stronger and more connected to my children, and I thank God for them every day. And here’s where the inspiration kicks in. I wrote this book for several reasons.

• I want to purge the emotional turmoil and get it all (or as much of it as I can) out of my system. If nothing else comes of it, I know this will be very cathartic, a healing way to move forward.

• I want my children to know what I went through to have them, to know how much they were loved before they were even born.

• I hope all the infertile couples who read it laugh and cry, feel connected and not so alone, and are inspired by our success (and failures).

• I want to shed some light on the harsh realms of the infertile world for all the fertile readers out there and help them to have a sympathetic ear to any and all infertile couples they encounter.

Dolly Parton once said, If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. My rainbow is nestled down for a nap at the moment. So here is my rain.

Acknowledgments

I want to thank the many people who have helped me through this journey in more ways than they may realize. I suppose you never really know what impact you have on another person. Flavia Weedn once wrote, Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same. Here are some of those people.

To all the people at iUniverse who made this book possible, I appreciate all your input and your hard work in helping me make this dream of mine a reality.

To all the medical staff at RSofNY and Long Island IVF, I thank you all for making another dream of mine, becoming a mother, a reality. I want to thank the nurses who were comforting when I was visibly upset, confused, or overwhelmed and the embryologists who created my miracles and took care of them until they were back home in my body where they belonged. And thank you to my reproductive endocrinologists, Dr. Sakatos and Dr. Kenningsburg. You oversaw my IVF procedures at different times, made my body do things I never knew it could do, believed in the process and me, and gave me hope when I had very little hope left.

To my OBGYN, Dr. Sarah Schwartz, who pointed us in the right direction on our infertility journey, you saved us precious time and energy. Thank you for guiding me through both my pregnancies and delivering my precious miracles! You are a medical rock star!

To my acupuncturist, Andrea Huggler, who was a guardian angel, you kept me balanced when I teetered on a very steep cliff of depression and grief. When I felt so low, with your help, I was lifted. You assisted me through the most challenging time in my life, and I am forever grateful.

To all my Internet friends in cyberspace who gave me endless support; my message board friends, you were my saving grace and beacon of hope. You laughed and cried with me, and even though we never met, your friendship meant the world to me during such a lonely time in my life. And to my blog friends and followers on Twitter and Facebook, thank you for sharing the love. I am in awe of the perseverance and love from the infertility community online. Always believe in miracles!

To my friends and family members who gave support in the only way you knew how, I know it must have been difficult for you to see me go through infertility. I thank you for your kind words, your shoulders, your hugs, and your love.

To my sister, who had the grace of fertility on her side, I am eternally happy that you never had to endure my pain, but honestly, I’m a little lost without your true understanding of what I experienced. Still, we share a deep bond like no other, and for that, I’m thankful.

To my mom, who is my angel in the skies above, I miss you terribly. I only hope we can meet one day again to reconnect, share stories of motherhood, and laugh until we cry. Your memory will stay alive through my children forever as they look to their Gammy in heaven.

To my husband, who is my rock, you are my kinship soul, understanding me like no one else does. I am so glad that our fertility experience has made us stronger partners, parents, and friends. I may not always say it, but I am so very proud of you and us. I love you always.

To my children, who are my true ordinary miracles, I appreciate your patience while I spent hours on the computer writing this book. You amaze me each and every day. Mommy loves you to the moon and back.

Part 1

Our Surprising Fate

Love is not love until love’s vulnerable.

Theodore Roethke

Chapter 1

Staring at Life

I’m a people watcher. I think I’ve always been, even from my early days in the womb (when my eyes weren’t fused shut of course). I know what you’re thinking. What could I have possibly stared at? But an ordinary miracle was already happening right in front of me, and I’m sure I stared right at her, my twin sister. We were literally two peas in a pod and never really left each other’s sides as we grew up. And although we have never really discussed it aloud to this day, I think she’s secretly a people watcher too. It’s not really a secret, I guess. I think most people do it. Sometimes they get caught and blush as they turn away from your glance. And sometimes, they just stare, unsuspecting and wondering, like I do.

When I was young, I used to watch kids playing and simply wondered about what they were feeling. Then I began to observe my fellow teens idling through their misunderstood existence and pondered my own. Later, I gazed at my young adult friends and questioned their plans for the future or if they even had any and measured them up with mine.

As I saw more people streaming in and out of my path, strangers took more of my attention. I wondered about who they were. Where were they going at that moment and in life? Who were they with? Were they happy? Was something missing?

For a while, I always felt my life was on hiatus. I guess it’s one of those life lessons most of us feel as we come of age. It’s as if we are always waiting for something: a boyfriend/girlfriend, graduation, or a clue about what will make us happy in the future. Then when we have that boyfriend/girlfriend, graduate, and eventually get a clue, we wait for more. We wait for the next step: the career that will make us lots of money, the apartment that is supposed to grant us independence, and the man/woman we will marry one day. It’s the, I’ll be happy when … game we all play.

I didn’t like that game. It forced me to always look into the future and not really appreciate the moment right in front of me. It kept me staring at others, wondering if they were waiting too. It made me compare my life to theirs and then analyze whether it made me feel any better about myself. It never did.

And I did get that career finally, the apartment that granted me independence, and then my husband. And I was happy. Really happy. But I still waited. I waited for the next life step, having children. I just never really knew how far away that step was. And I certainly never expected how hard it would be to climb.

Chapter 2

TTC

After about two years of marriage, I started thinking about my master’s degree and how I should attain that to further my career and to have something in place when I finally settled down to have my kids. I decided to take up children’s writing at the New School in Manhattan, over an hour and a half away by train (and subway) from our first house on Long Island.

I started classes. I was determined to enjoy them, even though the late hours, long commute, and full-time teaching job was a lot to handle all at once, especially when I added coaching to my schedule. It was a two-year program, and when I graduated in May 2005, I wanted to finally start trying for a baby. My husband, Rob, was on board.

By this time, one of my best friends was already pregnant, and another friend already had a baby boy. I thought, Okay, it’s my turn. Let’s start trying. So I asked my newly pregnant friend for some advice. She said, Have sex on day ten, twelve, and fourteen. Most women ovulate around that time. It worked for me! It worked really well for her. She got pregnant after the very first month of trying.

So diligently taking my friend’s advice, I threw out my birth control pills (BCPs) and had baby-making sex on the right days. And after the first month, I anxiously took a home pregnancy test (HPT), and it was negative. My heart sank, but I lied to myself and said, Okay, no big deal. It was like that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you’re picked last for a kickball game in fifth grade. No, it was worse than that. But I figured I could just try again the following month. Well, this went on for a few months, and I started to get very frustrated. I thought, Is the world trying to play a cruel joke on me? Is God trying to tell me I’m not ready?

I started wondering, When would it happen? This month? Next month? Maybe in six months? It started taking its toll when, each month, I would anxiously wait for day ten, twelve, and fourteen to hit and then feel a cosmic pull with the universe as if these few passionate nights would bring me what I was longing for. Afterward, I would count down the days until I could test and know for sure if the planets and stars were indeed aligned just for me. They weren’t. I was so naïve.

Then my period started becoming irregular, as