Absurdist Angles on History: Three Plays

© 2004 Merritt Abrash

All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 08/13/04

Rev. 2/22/13

ISBN: 978-1-4184-2754-2 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4184-2753-5 (sc)

Contents

FOREWARD

HOW WORLD WAR I HAPPENED

ACT I

ACT II

HOW KARL GOT OVER HIS BAD DREAM

ACT I

ACT II

HOW IT MIGHT ALL HAVE ENDED

ACT I

ACT II

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

FOREWARD

The three plays in this volume were not created with a trilogy in mind. They were written many years apart and do not share a common dramatic mode, since HOW WORLD WAR I HAPPENED and HOW KARL GOT OVER HIS BAD DREAM are entirely absurdist while HOW IT MIGHT ALL HAVE ENDED aims for realism in both characterization and action. In addition, the first two take place in clearly identified fact-based pasts, whereas the third describes an imaginary catastrophe, which although it reads like fiction was for decades a frighteningly plausible scenario.

What the plays have in common is the application of the notion of the absurd to history. HOW WORLD WAR I HAPPENED treats in absurdist fashion the outbreak of the war, which was a particularly striking example of international absurdity to start with. HOW KARL GOT OVER HIS BAD DREAM turns an absurdist focus on the origins of intellectual concepts which, for better or worse, went on to become central to the modern world. HOW IT MIGHT ALL HAVE ENDED deals in realistic dramatic fashion with a development which, although fortunately (!) it did not take place, in its very possibility manifested the ultimate in collective human absurdity.

Another element in common among these plays is the predominance of comedy in various modes. HOW WORLD WAR I HAPPENED features what might be called verbal slapstick, along with some of the physical sort. The comedy in HOW KARL GOT OVER HIS BAD DREAM depends largely on clashing caricatures of well-known historical figures. Most of the humor in HOW IT MIGHT ALL HAVE ENDED is of a profoundly black variety. In all three plays, the contribution of comedy is the uniquely absurdist one of viewing key historical episodes in ways that, through their very outrageousness, reveal discreditable aspects which it has naturally been in the interest of participants to obscure.

The comic elements also serve the purpose of enhancing the theatrical experience. Since each play is intended to make a commentary on historical events, the playwright had to be constantly on guard against creeping didacticism. Happily, there is nothing like humor to counteract didactic tendencies, and absurdist humor in particular to check any drift toward tedious solemnity. The plays strive to make their intellectual points within theatrical frameworks providing good entertainment, in print as well as on stage.

HOW WORLD WAR I HAPPENED

Although HOW WORLD WAR I HAPPENED is absurdist from beginning to end in its treatment of the outbreak of the War, it is firmly grounded in the underlying facts. The only significant departure is in Act I, Scene 7, which, in a properly absurdist spirit, turns out not to be significant after all.

Throughout the play, all names, titles and dates are accurate. Portrayals of all characters are appropriate to their historic roles, with the exception of Austro-Hungarian General Potiorek. He was in reality a repressive and unenlightened Governor of Bosnia, but HOW WORLD WAR I HAPPENED requires one character with occasional non-absurdist good sense, and Potiorek is most conveniently placed to embody this role.

Following are elements of the play which correspond with the recorded history of the outbreak of World War I:

ACT I

Scene 1. The essential elements of the Schlieffen Plan.

Scene 2. The French demographic disadvantage, and conviction it would be offset by superior élan (the favored word).

Scene 3. Rasputin’s close relationship with the Imperial family; the fate of his enemies; his womanizing; his concern about the consequences for the dynasty of a European war; Rasputin’s lines to Yanushkevich beginning With malice toward none… are from Lincoln’s Second Inaugural Address.

Scene 4. Grey’s fondness for birdwatching; the Anglo-French staff talks and the British Cabinet’s limited knowledge of them; Cambon’s line, I wait to learn if the word ‘honor’… (actually spoken to Henry Wickham Steed of The Times, London); Grey’s line, The lights are going out… (actually delivered on August 4, 1914, as in Act II, Scene 4).

Scene 5. Key aspects of the nature and recent history of the Austro-Hungarian Empire; the role and personality of Emperor Franz Josef; his relationship with heir to the throne Franz Ferdinand; the problems created by the latter’s marriage.

Subcarpathian Ruthenia, located between the Ukraine and what is now the nation of Slovakia, was one of the poorest regions in Austria-Hungary. Its backwardness has been exaggerated throughout the play for comic effect.

Scene 6. The Black Hand initiation ritual and role of potassium cyanide are based on the detailed description in They Call it Patriotism, by Bruno Brehm (Little, Brown, 1932).

Scene 7. The earlier unsuccessful bomb attack on Franz Ferdinand; the subsequent change of route; the failure to tell the driver; the car coming to a stop just where Princip happened to be standing. Dmitrievich’s lines to Princip beginning If you can keep your head… are a paraphrase of lines in Kipling’s If.

ACT II

Scene 1. The Austrian motivation for sending a purposely unacceptable ultimatum.

Scene 2. Nicholas II’s vacillation about mobilization; why partial mobilization was unworkable; the astuteness of the Serbian reply to the ultimatum; Sazonov’s line, Now you can smash your telephone, General!

Scene 3. Wilhelm II’s enthusiasm for the German navy; his alternation between warlike and pacific stances; his unawareness that the Schlieffen plan required an immediate invasion of Belgium as part of mobilization; Schlieffen’s dying words; Wilhelm II pressing Nicholas II (by telegraph in reality) to halt Russian mobilization; Wilhelm and Nicholas addressing each other as Willy and Nicky.

Scene 4. Essential elements of British policy, August 2-4, 1914. Cambon’s closing lines are a pastiche of Churchill’s Second World War speeches.

Scene 5. No historical reality whatsoever.

Scene 6. Execution and failure of the Schlieffen Plan.

Scene 7. Dimitrievich’s conviction (Princip reads abridgement of the actual verdict) and execution (actually in 1917) on orders of the Serbian government. In fact, however, the young men in the assassination plot did not serve in the Serbian army; some were executed, and those, including Princip, too young be legally executed, were imprisoned in harsh conditions. Princip died in prison before the end of the war.

PRONUNCIATION OF NAMES

SCHLIEFFEN = Shlye’fen

DIMITRIEVICH = Dimitreeyay’vich

JOFFRE = Zhahf’re

TANKOSICH = Tahn’kosich

YANUSHKEVICH = Yahnushkay’vich

PRINCIP = Preen’tseep

CAMBON = Kamboh(n)

CHABRINOVICH = Chabrino’vich

POTIOREK = Poteeaw’rek

GRABEZH = Grah’bezh

BERCHTOLD = Berkh’tawlt

POPOVICH = Popo’vich

SAZONOV = Sazoh’nov

ILICH = Eel’yich

MOLTKE = Molt’keh

ACT I

SCENE I

(Headquarters of the German General Staff, 1905. General Alfred von SCHLIEFFEN, Chief of the General Staff, is giving a lecture to the Staff, referring to a large wall map outlining north central Europe from France’s Atlantic coast to Russia’s western borders.)

OFFSTAGE VOICE

(Note: each scene in the play is introduced by an offstage voice)

Headquarters of the German General Staff, 1905. General Alfred von Schlieffen, Chief of the General Staff, is giving a lecture to the Staff.

SCHLIEFFEN

Officers of the General Staff, the survival of the German Empire rests upon our ability to solve a difficult strategic problem.

(Indicating on map)

Here we have the border between Germany and her hereditary enemy, France. This border does not seem, at first glance, to raise any special problem. In case of war, the German army, starting here, could march across it like this, and capture Paris, which is here. The French will be obliged to surrender or we will take Paris back to Germany—here, where the army has requisitioned a large empty field to put it in.

(Applause and cheers from GENERAL STAFF)

So, one might think the difficult strategic problem is solved.

(GENERAL STAFF, voicing relief, rise and start leaving)

Unfortunately,

(GENERAL STAFF return to seats)

the French have reacted to this possibility with characteristic malevolence—with a hostile defense! Observe!

(He affixes to map a large cutout of a French soldier standing in France but with his bayonet crossing the border and reaching to Berlin. GENERAL STAFF express shock and horror)

And there is worse to come! The French seek to encircle us by conspiring with our hereditary enemy, Russia, so our difficult strategic problem includes the Russo-German border as well as the Franco-German border. Our intelligence has succeeded, at untold risk, in obtaining a detailed plan of Russian troop dispositions facing Germany. Prepare yourselves, gentlemen!

(He affixes to map a large cutout of a Russian soldier standing in Russia but with his bayonet crossing the border and reaching to Berlin. Howls of outrage from GENERAL STAFF)

Who can save the fatherland, gentlemen? The politicians?

GENERAL STAFF

(in unison)

No!

SCHLIEFFEN

The businessmen?

GENERAL STAFF

No!

SCHLIEFFEN

The philosophers?

GENERAL STAFF

No!

SCHLIEFFEN

The artists?

GENERAL STAFF

No!

SCHLIEFFEN

The army?

GENERAL STAFF

No!

(SCHLIEFFEN makes threatening gesture)

Yes, yes! The army!

SCHLIEFFEN

You have spoken truly, gentlemen. The army alone can save the fatherland, because the army has the one weapon that can do so—

(He holds up a wide, sharply curved cutout arrow)

the Arrow! We have only to place it correctly on the map and the difficult strategic problem of the Franco-German border is solved. Like—so!

(He affixes the arrow on the map so that the tail is in Germany, the shaft curves counter-clockwise around Paris, and the head is south of Paris and pointing east—in other words, the actual Schlieffen Plan. Expressions of relief from GENERAL STAFF)

Then, when French resistance has collapsed, which my plan calls for at four-thirty p.m. on the thirty-ninth day after mobilization, our eleven thousand two hundred and twenty-six trains will convey the Arrow back across Germany to the Russo-German border, solving the difficult strategic problem there before the slow-moving Russians even get started… like—so!

(He removes the arrow from France and affixes it so that the tail is in eastern Germany and the remainder curves around Warsaw. Enthusiastic applause from GENERAL STAFF)

Any questions?

MEMBER OF GENERAL STAFF

General von Schlieffen, while the Arrow was routing the French, there seemed to be another country between the head and the tail.

SCHLIEFFEN

It’s possible.

MEMBER OF GENERAL STAFF

Doesn’t that have some effect on the plan? I mean, doesn’t it make a difference if the Arrow goes across a third country?

SCHLIEFFEN

As military professionals, it is not our concern upon whose terrain we execute our plans. However, since you ask, standing directly in the path of the Arrow is the country of Belgium. Now, gentlemen, if Belgium were an enemy of Germany, what should we do?

GENERAL STAFF

(In unison)

Send the Arrow through!

SCHLIEFFEN

And if Belgium were a friend of Germany, what should we do?

GENERAL STAFF

Send the Arrow through!

SCHLIEFFEN

But in fact, Belgium is neither an enemy nor a friend. Belgium is neutral, and Germany has solemnly guaranteed its neutrality. We have pledged our word, our honor! In that case, gentlemen, what should we do?

(GENERAL STAFF fall into earnest discussions among themselves, striking postures of profound moral perplexity. SCHLIEFFEN speaks threateningly)

What should we do?

GENERAL STAFF

(Immediately responding in unison)

Send the Arrow through!

SCHLIEFFEN

So, evidently no military problem arises from this other country in the Arrow’s path.

SECOND MEMBER OF GENERAL STAFF

But General von Schlieffen, if Germany has guaranteed Belgium’s neutrality, there could be a moral problem.

SCHLIEFFEN

(In confiding tone)

Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I spend sleepless nights knowing that if war comes, Belgium will have a moral advantage over Germany?

(GENERAL STAFF evinces anxiety)

But all is not lost. Against Belgium’s moral advantage, we will bravely pit our advantage in manpower, cavalry, artillery, transport, supplies, training, and leadership, and hope for the best. Never forget—only we have the Arrow, and the Arrow will prevail!

(Lights out on GENERAL STAFF’s renewed enthusiasm.)

SCENE 2

(Headquarters of the French General Staff. 1912. General Joseph JOFFRE, Chief of the General Staff, is giving a lecture to the Staff.)

OFFSTAGE VOICE

Headquarters of the French General Staff, 1912. General Joseph Joffre, Chief of the General Staff, is giving a lecture to the Staff.

JOFFRE

Officers of the General Staff, the survival of the French Republic rests upon our ability to compensate for a fearsome statistical disadvantage. Strategically, we have nothing to fear. The Franco-German border is well known to all of us. The German army is on one side—theirs—and the French army on the other—ours. In case of war, it is very likely that the armies will clash in that immediate vicinity, and man for man, the outcome can scarcely be in doubt.

(GENERAL STAFF, voicing relief, rise and start leaving)

Unfortunately,

(GENERAL STAFF return to seats)

there is a complicating factor, a graphic demonstration of which has been prepared, with unparalleled ingenuity, by our visual aids branch. Lieutenant!

(A short LIEUTENANT enters and faces GENERAL STAFF)

The lieutenant represents the population of France. Captain!

(A tall CAPTAIN enters and stands next to the LIEUTENANT)

The Captain represents the population of Germany.

(Consternation among GENERAL STAFF)

Yes, gentlemen, it is not a pretty picture!

(LIEUTENANT and CAPTAIN make gestures of resentment)

So that although, as we are all aware, any poilu is more than a match for any boche, there are simply not enough poilus. That, gentlemen, is the dangerous disadvantage we must somehow overcome!

(He dismisses LIEUTENANT and CAPTAIN)

MEMBER OF GENERAL STAFF

(Rising and addressing GENERAL STAFF)

You have heard General Joffre, mes amis. What does he ask of us? To raise the birthrate of France! It is a time to suppress petty personal ambitions and devote ourselves to duty to the motherland alone!

(Amid patriotic enthusiasm, GENERAL STAFF rise and start leaving)

JOFFRE

Unfortunately,

(GENERAL STAFF return to seats)

moved though I am by your sacrificial urges, the peril must be faced without delay. There is no time to repair the statistical disadvantage—we need an immediate brilliant, incisive, breathtakingly original strategy to counter it. Where can we find such a strategy, Gentlemen?

(GENERAL STAFF fall into earnest discussions among themselves, striking postures of deep thought.)

You will relieved to learn that I, your leader, have found it.

(Delighted applause by GENERAL STAFF)

I shall explain. My right hand is stronger than my left. The proof? Observe!

(He pushes his palms together. After a moment, the right hand pushes back the left)

How can my left hand redress the imbalance?

(GENERAL STAFF express bafflement)

Suppose my left hand, moving toward the encounter with the right hand, advances with greater enthusiasm, vigor, in a word, élan? Observe!

(His palms approach each other, the left hand moving faster than the right. When they meet, the left pushes the right backwards, as if by momentum. GENERAL STAFF gasp)

Yes, gentlemen. Élan compensates for inferior strength. You have seen the proof with your own eyes. When the great struggle with Germany breaks out, our army has only to show more enthusiasm, more vigor, in short, more élan than our enemies, and superior numbers will prove useless against us!

(Applause and cheers from GENERAL STAFF)

Any questions?

SECOND MEMBER OF GENERAL STAFF

General Joffre, when your left hand showed superior enthusiasm, vigor, élan, what if your right hand had shown increased enthusiasm, vigor, élan at the same time?

JOFFRE

But you see, the fact is that my left hand had élan and my right hand did not. The right hand was driven back, in spite of superior strength, precisely because it did not have the élan of the left hand.

SECOND MEMBER OF GENERAL STAFF

But if your right did have élan, wouldn’t it be able to—

JOFFRE

(Interrupting)

If the Germans had French élan, is that what you mean?

(To GENERAL STAFF)

Is such a thing possible, gentlemen?

GENERAL STAFF

(Shouting and booing at SECOND MEMBER OF GENERAL STAFF)

Sit down!

Saboteur!

Boche lover!

(etc.)

(SECOND MEMBER OF GENERAL STAFF sits down in confusion)

JOFFRE

And in any case, my left hand is two hands, as it were. Imagine the plight of my right hand if, at the very moment it is demoralized by the uniquely French élan of my left hand, it finds itself simultaneously seized from behind by the mighty Russian fist!

(Lights out on JOFFRE’s attempt to demonstrate three hands in action, amid GENERAL STAFF’s enthusiastic cheering.)

SCENE 3

(Headquarters of the Russian General Staff, 1913. General Nikita YANUSHKEVICH, Chief of the General Staff, is