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    She Loved Me, She Loved Me Not: Adult Parent Loss After a Conflicted Relationship
    She Loved Me, She Loved Me Not: Adult Parent Loss After a Conflicted Relationship
    She Loved Me, She Loved Me Not: Adult Parent Loss After a Conflicted Relationship
    Ebook100 pages1 hour

    She Loved Me, She Loved Me Not: Adult Parent Loss After a Conflicted Relationship

    By Linda J. Converse

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    About this ebook

    Anger, rage, ambivalence, guilt and shame, relief--all of these unexpected feelings can accompany grief and sadness when a parent dies. Such reactions, however, are often considered unacceptable in our society.


    In She Loved Me, She Loved Me Not: Adult Parent Loss After a Conflicted Relationship, Linda Converse offers honest reflections, insights and advice from adults, including herself, who have experienced these "unacceptable" feelings after losing a parent.


    As a professional social worker, Ms. Converse explores the issues involved in parent loss after a conflicted relationship. Drawing upon the work of experts in the field of death and dying, she offers concrete suggestions on how to reach a place of understanding and acceptance.


    If you have or had a conflicted relationship with a parent, once you begin reading this sensitive, thoughtful book, you will no longer feel alone.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherAuthorHouse
    Release dateJul 12, 2001
    ISBN9780759633322
    She Loved Me, She Loved Me Not: Adult Parent Loss After a Conflicted Relationship
    Author

    Linda J. Converse

    Linda Converse lives in Northern California with her husband Rich and their two cats, Buster and Rambo. They have an adult daughter who is working and attending college. Linda has worked in the field of social work for thirty years and received her MSW from the University of Denver in 1976. She currently works as a social worker with dialysis patients and their families. Linda has been writing and publishing personal experience articles for newspapers and magazines since 1987.

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      Book preview

      She Loved Me, She Loved Me Not - Linda J. Converse

      Copyright © 2001 by Linda J. Converse, M.S.W.

      All rights reserved.

      No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the author.

      ISBN: 0-75963-333-9

      ISBN: 978-0-7596-3332-2 (ebook)

      1stBooks-rev. 05/30/01

      Contents

      ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

      INTRODUCTION

      CHAPTER ONE The Term Paper

      CHAPTER TWO Shame

      CHAPTER THREE Returning Home

      CHAPTER FOUR Mom

      CHAPTER FIVE Dismantling a Life

      CHAPTER SIX Guilt and Regret

      CHAPTER SEVEN Good-Bye Mom

      CHAPTER EIGHT Other Stories

      CHAPTER NINE Unfinished Business

      CHAPTER TEN Common Feelings and Reactions

      CHAPTER ELEVEN Jeanne’s Story

      CHAPTER TWELVE Physical Reactions

      CHAPTER THIRTEEN Resolution

      CHAPTER FOURTEEN Personal Growth and Resolution

      EPILOGUE

      REFERENCES

      ABOUT THE AUTHOR

      ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

      I would like to begin by thanking my first writing instructor, author Karen Kenyon, for her wisdom and support. Without Karen’s encouragement, I might never have begun my journey as a writer. I would also like to thank the participants of Karen’s writing group, for their help at the time of my mother’s death.

      My book could not have been adequately written without the courageous contributions of the people who responded to my questionnaire. Their unselfish act of sharing painful material and agreeing to publication of their most intimate thoughts and feelings, in an attempt to help others, is most greatly appreciated. I would also like to thank the anonymous others whose stories I used as examples of conflicted parent loss.

      In particular, I want to thank Pat, the friend and co-worker who lost her mother when I lost mine. If I hadn’t had Pat to share my thoughts and feelings with, and had she not reciprocated, I might never have known that my feelings were not unique to me.

      Two authors in particular provided the impetus for me to put my thoughts into words-Valerie Smith and Therese A. Rando. References to their work are noted in the bibliography and throughout the text.

      My local writing group, who read and edited each and every chapter of this book, were my main support throughout the writing process. My fellow writers, Rae Schlessinger, Susana Luzier, Peter Wright and Lezlie Winberry, will, I am sure, be glad to see this in print!

      In addition to my writing group, three people helped copy edit my manuscript-Erin Johnson, Peter Wright and my sister Janet Converse. Thank you all.

      For those others who read my rough draft and provided feedback, I thank you-Caren Wilds, Susan Pine and Patricia Rawlings. Your encouragement helped!

      Michi Takemoto, L.C.S.W., my therapist during much of the writing of this book, provided the emotional support and insight I needed at the time. Thank you Michi.

      Two special people in my life have been there for me without fail, my oldest friend Mimsy, who has known me and my family since age two, and my loving companion and husband, Rich.

      Lastly, I want to thank my mother.

      This book is dedicated to my siblings:

      Carolyn

      Ross

      and

      Janet

      INTRODUCTION

      Just know most parents are really not evil. They are often lost in such fear and misery they do not realize how much harm they are inflicting on others. Some are treating children the way they were treated. Others are depressed or impaired. I think if everyone would walk a mile in her shoes it would help. It does not make it right. It just is.

      Peggy, a fifty-four-year-old woman whose mother died at age forty-nine of chronic alcoholism.

      Had I written this book right after my mother’s death, the tone would have been angrier, more defensive, less compassionate, and probably not as helpful. Instead, with the passage of time and much soul searching, like the fifty-four-year-old woman quoted above I was able to come to an understanding of the complexity and motivation of my mother, and thus to some resolution.

      In the following pages I will share my own story and those of others who have experienced the loss of a parent after a conflicted relationship. I have divided the book into two sections: the first is my personal account and the second is an explanation of the issues involved in parent loss after a conflicted relationship as well as ideas about how to work toward resolution. These two sections are quite different and the reader may want to read them separately, depending on their mood and need at the time.

      In 1992, my mother died unexpectedly of a heart attack at the age of 78. I was living in California, she in Maine. She had been active and busy until the day she walked out of her door with chest pains, drove herself to the doctor’s office, and never returned home. When I arrived at her house several days later, her daily diary was open on the kitchen table where she had been writing in it—her dog was hiding under the bed.

      My mother, the most powerful person in my life, had died. She had always been in control, no matter what she had to do, whether it was manipulating, intimidating, or simply forcing her way until the weaker person, including her children, gave in. It was hard for me to believe that she had allowed this to happen. Death had outsmarted her.

      That night I sat in bed writing in my journal. Mom had died, yet it didn’t seem possible. I was unaware of what the following year had in store for me: anger, guilt for my anger, obsessive thoughts (could I have done something to cause this?), terrible feelings of loss and longing, relief, shame, and anxiety. I experienced physical illness, tension with my siblings, and surprise and confusion from my friends. I heard remarks like We thought you would be relieved! It wasn’t that simple.

      Up, down, and around went my feelings as I tried to work through my ambivalence about the loss of this woman with whom I sometimes felt so angry that I literally wanted to kill her, while at other times I found myself proudly bragging about her accomplishments.

      While she was alive it often made me sick to look at her picture, but after she died, I wanted her pictures about. While living, I would cringe and stiffen when she tried to hug me as we said goodbye. After her death, her old worn sweater wrapped around me, like arms, brought comfort.

      I was not able to find the support I hoped for from my three siblings. Emotionally we did not experience her loss in the same way, and I learned eventually not to force my feelings on them. I found it helpful to learn, while reading How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies, by psychologist Therese A. Rando, that bereaved people tend to grieve in much the same manner as they conduct the rest of their lives. Personalities do not suddenly change at the time of death, and our normal ways of coping continue. Although I needed to express my feelings openly, this did not mean my brother would, and yet I had expected him to do just that.

      Looking for support, I joined a bereavement group, but instead of feeling better, I felt worse because anger, ambivalence, and negative

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