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    The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful: A Handbook to Marriage
    The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful: A Handbook to Marriage
    The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful: A Handbook to Marriage
    Ebook211 pages6 hours

    The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful: A Handbook to Marriage

    By Wright Doyle

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    About this ebook

    Obstacles and challenges are a normal part of married life. Here’s how you get through them.

    This book will lead you to understand what happens when two people tie the proverbial knot. The trials and obstacles that inevitably follow are nothing unusual—how they are handled is what helps distinguish a successful marriage from an unsuccessful one.

    Specific advice about handling finances, keeping house, sexual relations, bringing up children, and other very important matters will not be found here. Instead, The Good, The Bad, and The Beautiful focuses on the relationship between husband and wife, for from this flows the motivation, energy, and wisdom to deal with the problems and challenges facing married couples. Unless you make this relationship your main concern, all your efforts in other areas of married life will be out of balance and ultimately unsuccessful.

    If you are seeking a successful and fulfilling marriage, or the restoration of a failing one, you will find meaning and hope in the joys of learning and practicing God's blessed plan for husband and wife.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherTorchflame Books
    Release dateJul 24, 2018
    ISBN9781611532920
    The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful: A Handbook to Marriage

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    • 5/5
      This book will help not just married couples, but also singles or couples contemplating marriage. Although presented as a handbook, it reads like an extended devotional: It guides readers through contemplation of God’s beautiful design and wondrous character, to confession of our failure to honor that design. It ends with a call to repentance and renewal in Christ’s perfect love.

      As a single Christian woman, I appreciated how the book affirmed my deep desire for marriage by opening with a discussion of its goodness and preciousness. It also convicted me of my attitudes towards a hypothetical future spouse: It had never occurred to me before that the resolve to change my husband for the better could reflect a failure to love him for the person he is.

      The author illustrates this deceptive mindset by reflecting on the marriage vows: “‘Do you take this woman to be your wife? … Do you take this man to be your husband?’ I did not realize the significance of that little word ‘this’ until just recently. When we answer this question ‘I do,’ we are pledging to love the person standing next to us, not the person we hope he or she will be once desired changes have been made…

      “You must abandon conditions when you marry… In other words, we resolve to love this person, not someone we hope he or she will become.”

      This insight was a sobering revelation for me. I had fallen into a trap of disrespect towards my future spouse without realizing it. Just as I was tempted to condemn myself for thoughtlessness, the author checked me: “Where sin abounds, grace abounds all the more. After we have admitted our offense and asked forgiveness from God and our spouse, we can resume our pilgrimage towards a new heaven and new earth, where we shall be fully righteous.” I was greatly comforted by the reminder that our flawed, human efforts to achieve holiness and perfect love are futile - only through Christ can we hope to love selflessly.

      In the book’s several appendices, the author touches briefly and with apology on weighty topics. I found myself agreeing that it was a shame to not explore these issues in more detail, mainly from my wish to benefit more from his wisdom. Appendix 7 on sexual addictions explains the underlying causes of this type of sin in general, but doesn’t include specific strategies or case by case discussions. As the author emphasizes, “I have only given a very brief introduction to an enormously complex matter.”

      He amends this acknowledged lack with a thorough list of recommended reading in the book’s final section, “Resources.” I was grateful to find that this list included all of the titles he references throughout the book, as it saved me from paging back to find the ones that interested me, or halting mid-read to make note of them.

      Thanks to its quick but comprehensive content, plus the recommended resources, this book would serve as an edifying introduction to Christian literature on marriage. I recommend it for anyone seeking a starting point in exploring the topic, as well as for those currently facing, or wishing to prepare themselves, for the challenges of marriage.

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    The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful - Wright Doyle

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    Praise for The Good the Bad and the Beautiful

    "This simple yet elegant book invites contemporary readers into a rich conversation with a patient and compassionate mentor. G. Wright Doyle wrote it with the most pressing and realistic needs of Christian couples in mind. Apart from biblical principles, he enacts the daily dramas and challenges in the marriage scene with a reflective insider’s view. Like a Pilgrim’s Progress for married couples, no matter how long you have been married, Doyle’s book condenses a journey with profound biblical wisdom on the good, the bad and the beautiful, as men and women in marriage are called to experience the deepest mystery and beauty of God’s plan for creation."

    —Li Ma, PhD., Research Fellow of the Henry Institute for the Study of Christianity and Politics, Calvin College,

    Author of Surviving the State, Remaking the Church

    Doyle deals with the specifics that need attention for all our marriages, but all of them are placed before the wisdom, the intention, and the commitment of God for husbands and wives. Doyle’s wife, Dori, has signed off on this book with her approval, a major tribute in itself. She is a woman of faith and joy in the Lord, and a devoted partner happy to be married to the man who has written this book on marriage. How wonderful to have a book that reflects their sound marriage and directs us to God’s lessons for each of us.

    —Rev. Tad de Bordenave, Anglican Church or Nigeria,

    Author of The Year of Paul’s Reversal

    (Best Man at the Doyles’ wedding)

    A treasure chest of Biblical truth, personal and pastoral experience and stirring encouragement! God’s Word is clear. Doyle’s application is clear and concise. But those seeking successful and fulfilling marriage, or the restoration of a failing one, will find meaning and hope in the joys of learning and practicing God’s blessed plan to become more and more like His Son and their Lord.

    —The Rev. Peter R. Doyle, ThD, DD,

    Author of Jonathan Edwards on the New Birth in the Spirit

    Introduction

    For some time, I thought of writing down a few observations about marriage, but held back. My hesitation sprang from a variety of sources. So many books about marriage already fill the stores; do we need another? And they are mostly written by experts—people who have spent years doing scientific research about what makes couples happy or sad, how to build a better relationship, how to avoid infidelity and divorce. The books I list at the end have been especially helpful to me.

    As I have re-read them, I have wondered, Do I really need to write a book on marriage? I am not an expert. Then there is my own marriage, marred in past years by multiple maladjustments, and still far from ideal. I can’t set myself up as the perfect example to follow, so why should I presume to share any of my ideas with others?

    To add to my doubts, I reflect on the fact that few men read books about marriage, and yet much of the happiness of any marital relationship stems from the attitudes and actions of the husband. If the man leads, the woman will often (though not always) follow. A loving husband will prevent most problems from arising and will effectively—even if imperfectly—deal with the inevitable difficulties that come when two sinners live together.

    Nevertheless, I am convinced that I should at least try to pass on some of what I have learned over the past fifty-one years since my wife Dori and I became engaged. Before marriage, we were required by my brother Peter, who performed our wedding ceremony, to read A Handbook to Marriage, by Theodore Bovet. Funny how I thought that, having read that one book, I had all the knowledge necessary for a successful marriage! But some of his words have come back to me since then, casting a beam of light upon an otherwise confusing path.

    About two dozen other volumes on marriage have also proven helpful to me along the way. For example, Willard Harley’s His Needs, Her Needs comes to mind, though I don’t agree with all that he says.1 One theme that keeps recurring in that book is the huge disconnect between dating (or courtship) and marriage itself. Repeatedly, Harley shows how people change radically after they say their wedding vows, and how terribly shocked and disappointed most couples are when the honeymoon period comes to a crashing close and the harsh reality of daily life together sets in.

    I guess that is one of my main motivations for writing this handbook. I want to help others to think through what happens when two people tie the matrimonial knot, so that they won’t imagine that something strange has happened to them when they encounter the usual trials of living together as man and wife. If possible, of course, I would hope that I could alleviate, or even prevent, unnecessary pain. I say unnecessary, because so much of the sorrow that usually attends marriage can be avoided, both by wise choices before the wedding (or even before engagement) and by quick action when obstacles arise in our path.

    More recently, Timothy Keller, with his wife Kathy, has given us perhaps the best all-around Christian treatment of marriage, The Meaning of Marriage. In fact, after reading it, I doubted whether I should publish mine! He has done a great deal of research, much of which disproves many common assumptions.

    For example, All surveys tell us that the number of married people who say they are ‘very happy’ in their marriages is high – about 61-62 percent. And of marriages that were not happy, two-thirds … will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced … . [P]eople who are married consistently show much higher degrees of satisfaction with their lives than those who are single, divorced, or living with a partner.²

    Then I realized that I discuss some things that others, not even Keller, don’t, and that God seems to have given me something unique to say.

    Our own experience has included going through almost a dozen years of marital counseling during the first thirty years of our marriage. As a minister, missionary, and friend, I have counseled others, often with Dori’s help. These experiences, plus the books I have read, form the backdrop of much of what I now believe about marriage, but I hope that the Scriptures will provide the basic outline, structure, and even content of the main ideas that follow.

    There won’t be many stories to illustrate these principles, just the basic information. The works I recommend later are filled with anecdotes and examples, so I don’t feel a great need to lengthen this little handbook unnecessarily. We will be looking at God’s original plan for marriage— the Good—then at some of the causes of conflict, confusion, and collapse—the Bad—and finally, at what God can do with those married people who love, trust, and follow him—the Beautiful.

    At the outset, I should say that specific advice about handling finances, keeping house, sexual relations, bringing up children, and other very important matters will not be found here. My focus will be on the relationship between husband and wife, for from this will flow the motivation, energy, and wisdom to deal with all the problems and challenges that married couples face. Unless we make this relationship our main concern, all our efforts in other areas of married life will be out of balance and ultimately unsuccessful.

    With those disclaimers, then, I offer this brief introduction to marriage with the prayer that God will use it to bring real happiness to couples of all ages and in all stages.

    1 For example, he says that you can divorce-proof your marriage. Though his advice will certainly make divorce less likely, nothing but God’s protection can prevent divorce. His title, too, speaks of needs, whereas we don’t really need anything but God and his love. And he claims that sex is the one thing he can’t do without, but many husbands have had to do without sex for shorter or longer periods of time, and have been able to survive and even flourish in their marriages. Still, I find much of what he writes quote useful.

    2 Keller, The Meaning of Marriage, 19.

    Acknowledgements

    No book comes from the mind of the author alone, not least a treatise on marriage. I am indebted not only to the authors whose works I recommend, but to countless Christian couples who have modeled faithful Christian marriage for Dori and me.

    More particularly, I gladly acknowledge my debt to a few people who have, humanly speaking, supplied the guidance, wisdom, prayers, and encouragement that have enabled us to remain on this narrow but immensely fulfilling journey together.

    Not to omit others, but to give special recognition to them, I thank:

    My brother Peter Reese Doyle, M.Div., Th.D., D.D., who with his wife Sally Ann has not only set for us the gold standard of a Christian marriage, but who introduced us to Christian marriage, performed our wedding ceremony, and has counseled me over five decades. Peter read the entire manuscript and offered suggestions for improvement.

    The late Reverend Lee Copeland, M.Div., M.A., a faithful pastor, wise counselor and marvelous Christian friend until his unexpectedly early death.

    The Rev. John F. Kuebler, M. DIV., ma., who counseled Dori and me for three years right after we returned from Taiwan in 1989, helping us to recover from some serious relational wounds and setting us on the path to a healthier relationship.

    The Rev. Tom Parsons, M.Div., Dori’s brother-in-law, who gave her advice at a critical time in our courtship and who has been a loving friend and godly mentor to me for the past fifty years; and his wife, Dori’s sister Jean, who has provided essential support and constant prayer for a wife married to a very difficult man. Tom has also read the manuscript.

    Our daughter Sarah, who has shown us in her own life a pattern of a godly wife.

    My wife Dori, who has stayed with me all these years, prayed for me, loved both me and our daughter, and consistently nurtured an intimate relationship with Christ. She also carefully read the manuscript and offered extremely useful comments, on the basis of which I made many revisions to the text, even omitting an entire chapter.

    Dedication

    Authors regularly thank their wives for their patience during the long process of writing. For reasons that will become obvious throughout this book, my debt to Dori throughout more than fifty happy years together is incalculable. As her name (Dorothy: Gift from God) indicates, she is, aside from God himself, by far the greatest blessing bestowed on me in this life.

    To my beloved Dori,

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.

    As far as I am concerned,

    "Many daughters have done excellently,

    but you excel them all."

    Proverbs 31:29

    Chapter One

    The Good:

    God’s Original Plan for Marriage

    We must begin with the question, why does marriage matter? After all, a huge number of men and women live together without getting married, and countless others decide to split up after being married for a while. Clearly, both groups believe that something else is more important than the marriage bond.

    Indeed, multitudes of married people behave as if they think that marriage is less important than fulfillment and success at work, making money, pleasure and entertainment, popularity, power, or relationships with other people, especially parents and children. After investing huge amounts of time, money and energy in courtship, they turn their attention to other, apparently more pressing concerns. The husband-wife relationship takes a back seat, though perhaps lip service may be given to its putative priority.

    Often the forces that push marriage off the pinnacle of significance reside deep within the heart, where hopes and fears, disappointment and anger, pride and passion, laziness and selfishness drown out the voice of love. In our heads, we know that we should put our marriage first, but our hearts boil with conflicting emotions that prevent us from fulfilling our wedding vows. So, why is marriage important? Why is this relationship so special, and deserving of far more concentrated thought and effort than we usually devote to it?

    In God’s Image

    The answer to this question starts with the very opening passage of the Bible, where the Hebrew words have profound implications for how we should view the male-female relationship. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.³ Although it may at first seem overly technical, it is vital to note that the subject of this sentence, God, is Elohim in Hebrew, a noun that is in the plural here. But, contrary to normal grammatical usage, the verb created is singular in form. Something strange is going on; what is it?

    Further light upon this anomaly comes later in the same chapter, where God says, "‘Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion … over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.’ So God created man in his own image; in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them."⁴

    In this well-known passage, God (Elohim again) has one image or likeness, and the verbs, said and created are singular, but he refers to himself in the plural with the pronouns Us and Our. Some Bible commentators say that God is using the plural of majesty, like a king who

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