Calm in Chaos: A Personal Perspective to Managing Conflict

Foreword

Life will always throw us curve balls no matter who we are, how old we are or what we have achieved. Conflict, like life and birth, is inevitable. But while most view conflicts as something negative, I strongly believe that it is about perspective and the management of our attitude towards this harsh term.

It is my hope and objective that this book will shed new light and understanding in changing our perspective and management of conflict. Happy reading!

Preface

Conflicts happen everywhere: at home, in the kitchen, at the coffee shops, at the market, in class or at work, in bedrooms and offices, on the roads, between nations, in space, between stars and galaxies, and in the mind. Yet, rooted at the heart of all conflict is a mental attachment to an idea, a principle, a goal or some desire to either bring or prevent bringing into being something to which there is resistance to its actualisation. We have all seen it – the child who wants to play with friends rather than do homework, the headstrong chef who is never wrong in his cooking, the contractor who always does more than what you want to get some extra money, the boss who is never satisfied but takes all the glory and shifts all the blame. Even the TV continually shows horrific scenes of destruction and death in cities across the world because of the need to claim or maintain land or power. Then there is my personal favourite, the inconsiderate driver who pulls out in front of you or cuts you off, or steals your parking space.

In all situations with conflict, certain ideas are common – judgments get formed, attitudes get hardened, walls get erected, people get entrenched and positions become solid and immoveable. Furthermore, the distance between the parties of conflict appears impossible to bridge.

Conflict normally implies a mental position that comes into contact with an opposing attitude whereby an amicable resolution appears impossible due to the entrenched and fundamentally opposing mindsets brought to the floor. Have you ever seen two cats literally head-to-head? They cannot break away from each other – their inner instincts tell them that backing off is impossible.

The Mahāyāna poet Sāntideva once said, Wherever conflict arises among living creatures, the sense of possession is the cause.

There is much truth here – the concept of possession and ownership of ‘things’ permeates civilisation and is something that is deemed necessary to defend. What is mine is not yours; I might be prepared to share but not willingly part with it simply because of your desire for it.

And it is not only in domestic and organisational situations that this idea prevails, but in major territorial conflicts. In a paper entitled "Conflict Resolution and Peaceful Society: A Buddhist View", Dr Arvind Kumar Singh notes:

In the general perception, the Buddhist value system is underpinned by the virtues of non-violence and peace, and can be seen to have had a substantial ‘humanising’ effect from the time of its establishment. The release of the attachment to power and possession and what can be called ‘sense–pleasures’ is seen to have been instrumental in erstwhile conquerors had their persecution excesses tamed and became able to rule empires with relative peace. There is a text where the Buddha talks about sense–pleasures (i.e. attachments to concepts such as wealth, power, pleasures) as being self-generating and inherently creating within itself the desire for more and greater self-pleasure. This in turn leads to quarrelling and conflict and, where leaders become so absorbed in self-pleasure, war.

In this sense, possession can be seen to cut both ways – the greed and desire of the one against the material deprivation of the other. Both sides (and just to emphasise, there do normally need to be sides) are deeply attached to achieving or resisting the outcome of this battle of wills – one wants what the other does not. The mental attachments of both sides can be seen as the source of conflict and it is the premise of this book that their release becomes the keys to managing and resolving any arising conflicts. Indeed, once attachments get released, the source of conflict can evaporate.

This book will seek to share with readers how to apply Buddhist teachings and principles as taught to me by my spiritual teacher His Eminence the 25th Tsem Rinpoche (hereafter I shall dearly address as ‘Rinpoche’) to both recognise and manage conflicts as and when they arise in our daily lives and to respond appropriately. There is a teaching on Mind Transformation that was given by Rinpoche to his students that forms the foundation of ‘techniques’ which we can use to respond to situations rather than permit our ego to react.

Additionally, it will be a general leitmotif of this book that possessions generally will not bring us real happiness – everything is transitory and will come to an end, and because we attach to things through the grasping mind, we become unhappy when they pass. (The Living Buddha Within, Tsem Rinpoche, KMP, 2012)

The book will begin with a consideration of what is understood by the concept of conflict. Next, will be a brief consideration of some central Buddhist concepts and ideas to offer a contextual location for the techniques by which conflicts can be managed. Chapter Three will focus further on those concepts by which it is hoped that the transforming of the mind outlined in Chapter Four can be better understood. Chapter Five will examine specific conflict situations and solutions whilst Chapter Six will seek to round things up and bring it all together.

In The Living Buddha Within, it says that Rinpoche brings a perspective where everything falls into place and finally makes sense. And he does this through explaining the mechanism of life based on the fundamental principles of Buddhism (easily applicable guidelines on how we can immediately unlock the liberating powers within us to lead a happy and harmonious life): simply find the Living Buddha within each and every one of us.

Perhaps this encapsulates more than anything the spirit of this book on managing and resolving conflicts. Once we find and share the Living Buddha within, all conflicts both within and without can either resolve themselves or dissipate into the air. And ultimately, all you need to do is breathe. Om.

What I Would Like From This Book

I think I want to describe a system by which life can be lived harmoniously, sensibly and responsibly. Grateful to the teachings of Rinpoche, I have been practising and developing a set of techniques which allows me to take responsibility for my daily actions whilst at the same time be able to locate them within the larger context of my life karma and any merit that is created by those actions. In the short time I have been practising Dharma, I feel that a huge transformation in my attitude and outlook have taken place. As mentioned, Rinpoche calls this ‘mind transformation’ and as a result I feel more able to exert control over how I respond to situations as they arise and develop responses that seek to be as beneficial as possible to all concerned as the circumstances will allow. In time, and with continuing guidance from my Guru, I envisage that my long-term and permanent mind transformation will continue to take place and that, as a result, I hope to become someone who can make positive compassionate contributions to the sentient beings in both this and other worlds. How do you create a better world? Transform its beings one mind at a time – it is not an overnight process; it is a daily moment-to-moment conscious effort to be aware and implement positive change.

As we think, so shall we do – this has been an apparently recognised truth since the Greek Stoic school first said it and has been repeated through the ages, most famously by Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius and in more recent times by Mahatma Ghandi and Margaret Thatcher. And in many respects this underpins the essential truth of Buddhism – we are what we do as a result of what we think and what we do has consequences for which we are responsible. Our intent behind our actions is the absolute critical factor – when it is good and altruistic, then positive results ensue; when it is not good and perhaps selfishly motivated, then the results are eventually negative. The more we can act with an attitude of total compassion toward all sentient beings, the more human we can be both in this life and all others.

I am convinced that with an understanding of the principles of Buddhism as taught to me by Rinpoche, we can all transform and become better human beings. Why? Because people are not all that different in what we want and need – to be loved, to be acknowledged, to feel valued, to have food and shelter and a platform to live in freedom. Doesn’t seem like too much to hope for, does it?

A Little about me and My Journey to date

Okay, well at the time of this writing, I am 46, a mother of three, divorced and CEO of a media enterprise with visual, audio and traditional book productions. I was also the host of the popular TV series The Paranormal Zone.

As a child and growing up, I wanted for nothing and was ridiculously spoilt by parents and grandparents. So, it was no real surprise that I became a brat. And I knew it. And I played the brat persona to the hilt. Parties, clothing, jewellery – the complete brat works. I played attention-seeking dramas with my older brother as to who could get the most attention and love from our doting parents and grandparents. I flaunted and projected my wealth and shamelessly used my name to open doors of power and prestige. I was married to an attractive Caucasian man with a wonderful home and handsome sons. What could I want for? Life was not only good, it was startlingly perfect.

Which was in a large part exactly why I was totally unprepared for the earthquake that rocked my world. I could see that my marriage was disintegrating; there was nothing I could see ahead of me except a scary emptiness over which I had neither control nor any idea how to manage or navigate. I was extremely conflicted, petrified and with absolutely no idea how to go about handling this. My mind was being pounded and filled with crazy thoughts of knowing I should be doing something to meet this oncoming storm but not really having any idea of where to start or how to get some assistance. This was really scary for a spoiled brat who had been so used to having no problems to deal with. I was totally conflicted and clueless. Only knowing (well, perceiving) that without a partner, I was somehow massively incomplete and horrified to live with the label of a failure. The insecurity flowing from this was huge. In retrospect, I was totally attached to the idea of a lifelong marital partner and the security it gave me; I just could not see beyond it.

It was at this time that I was invited to a private teaching with Rinpoche by my mother. This would have been around late January in 2009. She had been increasingly singing the praises of a Buddhist Lama (Rinpoche) from whom she was receiving Dharma teachings. The spoiled brat in me was naturally VERY sceptical but this was my mother for whom I have immense respect. And fear – one does not cross my mother and expect to get a positive result. So, I went along and I sat there twiddling thumbs hoping for time to pass quickly. And then Rinpoche started speaking and I was like – wow … wait a minute … wow … I GET this. I actually GET this. Here was this Lama in his yellow and maroon robes and wearing black rimmed spectacles and sitting in a lotus position and speaking in an accent I could understand … and the CLARITY of his explanations were like pinpoint lasers going straight into my brain and connecting. The first four hours of his teaching just flew by. At the end of it, I was … Is that it? What’s next? Why has he stopped? Four hours. I had never sat and focused for four hours straight. EVER. This was bizarre.

Someone recently asked me if there was something specific in that teaching that directly clicked and convinced me to follow Rinpoche’s teachings. To be honest, I cannot really remember what specific teaching it was but what I DO remember is asking a question and getting an answer and bursting into uncontrollable tears. Not from the answer itself but from the absolute compassion in Rinpoche’s eyes. The care, the concern … all for a sceptical spoilt brat who he had never met until now. Unbelievable! But there he was with this concerned look on his face, and I just got this sense that … I KNEW this person would be there for me. And I poured it all out – my fears, my hates, my bitchings; I left nothing on the table. He sat there and took it all. At the end he said, Don’t get a divorce. And because of the compassion, I deferred. But equally because of the compassion that I saw, I joined Kechara House. It became my refuge as the future events unfolded and the divorce became final and with help and support from everyone I managed the process with my three boys and they seem to have come through it all pretty unscarred. Many people think that young people cannot handle the truth – I found different. I told them that mummy and daddy had fallen out of love with each other but that did not mean that we would ever stop loving