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    Find Your Perfect Partner
    Find Your Perfect Partner
    Find Your Perfect Partner
    Ebook157 pages1 hour

    Find Your Perfect Partner

    By Wayne C. Allen

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    About this ebook

    Ready to Find Your Perfect Partner?

    You've likely realized that the screwy relationships you have been in were the direct result of you not thinking about how to create an excellent one.

    Pretending the important, life-altering decision to relate is “a matter of the heart” is not only stupid,  it doesn't work!

    Many moons ago, psychotherapist Wayne C. Allen  made a clear decision about his “next” relationship.

    He decided that his brain (not just his heart) needed to be in charge of the process.  He came up with a strategy for finding the person he wanted

    He called it...The List of 50.

    His strategy worked. He met his perfect partner (in 2018, they've been together 35 years!)

    Wayne began sharing the process with his clients -- soon, they demanded a book... and Find Your Perfect Partner is the result.

    Written by a therapist with over 30 years of experience, this book gives you the tools you need to actually think through what kind of person you want to be with.

    His clients have tested this process for the last 30 years, and now it's available to you!

    Here's a quote from a client:

    “When I showed my List of 50 to one friend he said, “Do you have a short list that us mere mortals could aspire to?” My answer was, “I had a short list and it got me my ex-husband. I'm being more particular now.”

    Find Your Perfect Partner is a guide to figuring out the whole attraction / dating / relationship thing.

    You'll discover:

    >reasons for failed relationships and the high divorce rate

    >how hormones get in the way

    >how past relationships are great guides to getting the next one right

    >why you need to think about what works in your successful friendships

    >which traits must be a match between you and your perfect partner

    This book examines what doesn't work, then helps you to map out what's been missing from your past relationships. It gives you an easy to follow strategy for re-setting your mental filters, so that the next person you meet is a much better fit.

    You'll have a better sense of why compatibility is so important, and have a time-tested method for both opening your eyes to new possibilities, and for finding your perfect partner.

    Follow along with the text, work through the exercises, and put the book's insights into practice. You'll be amazed with the results.

    One more quote!

    "My list has been an active part of my relationship building since I drafted it.  I have modified the list several times, based on how relationships worked out. It was also interesting to note, how few elements of my list my ex-wife matched, similar to what you said about your first marriage.

    I feel that using the process you recommend does improve the quality of the choices you make.  Of course, building the other relating skills will complement this as well."

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherThe Phoenix Centre Press
    Release dateDec 20, 2012
    ISBN9780987719225
    Find Your Perfect Partner
    Author

    Wayne C. Allen

    Wayne C. Allen is the web's Simple Zen Guy. He's a retired psychotherapist who counselled over 1000 clients. Wayne's approach to writing, life, and living comes from his love of Zen. His emphasis is on living in the now, and taking full responsibility for "how everything goes." Wayne's books are written in easy to understand language, and his insights are fresh and to the point. In everything he does, Wayne teaches wholeness, peace, and clarity of thought. You can read more about Wayne's Books at his publishing site. In his spare time he's a painter and photographer. Wayne and Darbella are now travelling the world, teaching, learning, and enjoying “retirement.”

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      Book preview

      Find Your Perfect Partner - Wayne C. Allen

      Find Your

      PERFECT Partner

      Wayne C. Allen

      2012

      © 2012 Wayne C. Allen, M.Th.

      The Phoenix Centre Press

      55 Northfield Drive, Suite 324

      Waterloo, Ontario, Canada 2K 3T6

      email: waynecallen@gmail.com

      website: https://www.phoenixcentre.com/

      https://www.phoenixcentrepress.com

      Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

      Allen, Wayne Charles, 1951 –

      Find Your Perfect Partner

      ISBN 978-0-9877192-1-8

      1. Zen 2. Self Actualization

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized in any form, or by any means, mechanical or electronic, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher.

      Disclaimer

      The contents of this book are solely the opinion of the author and should not be considered as a form of therapy, advice, direction and/or diagnosis or treatment of any kind: medical, spiritual, mental or other. If expert advice or counseling is needed, services of a competent professional should be sought. The author and the Publisher assume no responsibility or liability and specifically disclaim any warranty, express or implied, as regards this book. The purchaser or reader assumes responsibility for the use of this book.

      Dedication

      To Darbella MacNaughton, who walks with me, holds me, teaches me about grace, and loves me as I am.

      Other books by Wayne C. Allen

      Other books by Wayne C. Allen

      This Endless Moment 2nd. Edition

      Newly revised, This Endless Moment is a book for people on a serious quest for their identity. This book clears away the myths, half truths and misconceptions that keep us from living fulfilling, clear and meaningful lives.

      Using stories, illustrations and common-sense advice, Wayne C. Allen guides his readers to increasing levels of understanding and self-responsibility.

      From page 56: Blind luck is a stupid thing to trust your life to. Having the life you want requires focus, dedication, and, first and foremost, an understanding of what, specifically, you want.

      Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall

      Wayne’s Eastern book takes you by the hand and leads you to Zen-based peace of mind. 

      Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall is a Zen based guide to living life fully and deeply. Using Zen stories old and new, as well as other illustrations and exercises, Wayne C. Allen takes you on an adventure into the uncharted territory of yourself. 

      Living Life in Growing Orbits

      Living Life in Growing Orbits is a Workbook for people seeking clarity and focus. In an often confusing world, pure, simple, and focused guidance is required.

      Living Life in Growing Orbits is a guidebook for discovering who you are, and more, importantly, the tool you need to become fully yourself.

      In 52 weeks, you will have found direction and purpose, as you explore the meaning of centered, meaning-filled, and present living.

      With weekly thoughts, and daily meditations and projects, Living Life in Growing Orbits: 52 Weeks to Wholeness will change your life.

      The. Best. Relationship. Ever.

      The. Best. Rela­tion­ship. Ever. is both a learn­ing tool, and a step-by-step guide — a plan you will imple­ment — to chart the new direc­tion in your life and relationship.

      As you read, you will discover:

      8 rea­sons you’ve failed at relat­ing — we exam­ine what goeswrong

      3 prob­lems peo­ple have with com­mu­ni­ca­tion — once you know what doesn’t work, you’re ready for whatdoes!

      Sam and Sally, and learn how to really mess up a rela­tion­ship! — you see their mis-steps, and learn fromthem.

      how labelling your part­ner gets in the way of Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing. You’ll see that Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relat­ing means no judg­ing and blaming.

      a brand new model for being in rela­tion­ship. I call this Ele­gant, Inti­mate Relating.

      the rules and prac­tice of dia­logue. Each con­ver­sa­tion is wor­thy of doingwell!

      what to do, and when. You’ll have the tools you need, right in front ofyou.

      Table of Contents

      Introduction

      Chapter One - Finding Ourselves First

      Chapter Two – Lives on the Edge

      Chapter Three – The Basis of Relationships

      Chapter Four – A Little Theory That Grew

      Chapter Five – Who’ve You Had in the Past?

      Chapter Six – First Things First

      Chapter Seven – The Contents of a List of 50

      Chapter Eight – Down to the Basics

      Chapter Nine – Examining Your Language

      Chapter Ten – Ordering the Cosmos

      Chapter Eleven – Be a Poster Poster

      Chapter Twelve – The Big Question

      Chapter Thirteen – The Friend Factor

      Chapter Fourteen – Why This Works

      Chapter Fifteen – Some Closing Thoughts

      The Forms

      Comments about The List of 50

      Other People’s Lists

      References

      Introduction

      In 1997 I created a company website to describe the work we do at The Phoenix Centre, as well as to promote and sell my books. One of the suggestions was to provide free stuff.

      I decided to offer three relationship booklets – two of the booklets were about building more elegant and functional relationships. The third booklet was The List of 50.

      I wrote The List of 50 from personal experience.

      I realized that the screwy relationships I had been in (prior to actually thinking about how to create an elegant one) were a direct result of my inattention.

      Back in 1983, I made a clear decision about my next relationship. That year, I also finished my counselling degree and met Darbella, (or Dar for short – an amazing woman who brooks no foolishness when it comes to relationships.)

      My self-realizations led me to devise a rudimentary List of 50 for myself. More on the List of 50 below!

      Many years have passed since I wrote the initial booklet, and I find that I am frustrating myself. I notice that most relationships these days - simply and plainly - suck.

      The divorce rate in the US and Canada is abysmal. As for the relationships that do not end in divorce, I am not seeing a ton of contentment and real relating. It is painfully clear that, of all committed relationships, perhaps 5 percent to 10 percent are successful. 

      And, it’s getting worse.

      So much tension, so much distrust. And really, although I might be accused of over-simplifying, the vast majority of the confusion in relationships has to do with one or both of the participants trying to change the other into the person they wish they had actually married.

      I decided to re-write the booklet, and to say much more about the place of rational thought and conscious awareness in the establishment and maintenance of relationships.

      Pretending the important, life-altering decision to relate is a matter of the heart is not only stupid, it is not working.

      This book, then, is a guidebook for finding your perfect partner. You’ll discover the tools you need to figure out the kind of person you want to be in relationship with.

      The plot is simple: I’ll write a bit about what goes wrong in relationships, and especially how you need to establish a set of filters. The filter set is: what I am looking for in a partner.

      We’ll look at how most of us relate, and explore common beliefs that get in the way of great relating.

      Then, we’ll move into the meat of this book: creating a List of 50. The List is a well thought out guide to the kind of person you want to share your life with.

      Finally, we’ll explore making the List work, by resetting your brain to discover people who fit your List. And I’ll even tell you why all of this works!

      Let’s get to it!

      Chapter One - Finding Ourselves First

      Life is not as it is. Life is as you are.

      While I am sure you’d like to rush right along to the good stuff about how to find your perfect partner, please stick with me here. I can guarantee that the points you are about to read are essential for your future relationship happiness.

      Let’s start with an exploration of what doesn’t work.

      Likely you’re reading this because you know that something isn’t quite right about your understandings regarding:

      how relationships form,

      what attracts or repels you, and

      how cultural myths about relationships are actually your worst enemies.

      If you live in the west, you are bombarded with endless piles of crap about relationships.

      Movies, TV, book, magazines – all are invested in shoveling it deep and wide. Most people never consider what happens to movie couples after the credits roll. Movies tend to end at the ... and they lived happily ever after stage, and viewers never get to see the effort involved in maintaining a relationship.

      Here’s the problem: we are programmed into believing that good relationships should just happen, almost spon-taneously. You know the drill.

      Your eyes drift across a crowded room, and lock on to Mr. or Ms. Right. The vibes travel back and forth, and as the orchestra plays, you walk (in slow motion) toward your perfect life, which of course is filled with unending bliss.

      That no one has ever actually experienced the start of a successful relationship this way never occurs to us.

      Typically, relationships tank when the novelty of hormones wears off - at that point, we start judging.

      First of all, we judge that the other person is flawed.

      We think that they were keeping their real nature a secret, and that we were lied to. Time went by and the ‘real’ person suddenly appeared.

      We judge that the other person did not love us as we deserved. (Of course, we also believe that the other person has nothing better to do than to love us the way we want to be loved, 24/7...)

      We are conditioned to look outside of ourselves for validation, happiness, and direction.

      Now, western society would collapse if people stopped looking outside for their satisfaction – stopped buying what is being sold. But the western approach is based on never good enough.

      No matter how good something is, in order to keep us buying, the marketers have to convince us that we need a better version. We are jaded

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