Bitch? Please!: How Nice Girls Can Succeed in a Bitch's World

Acknowledgments

First, I have to thank God for giving me the talent for answering phones. Without such gift I wouldn't have gotten the job that ultimately led me to the publishing of this book.

Special thanks to Todd Bottorff for taking a chance on me—I am grateful beyond words. To the cast and crew at Turner Publishing, thank you for your unprecedented support, patience, and creative direction during the development of this project.

I would also like to thank Laura Morris, the head of publicity at Turner Publishing, for all of your hard work and for your friendship. You have no idea what your support and long-distance chats with me have meant.

I want to personally thank every girl who contributed interviews to this book and for allowing me to share your story with the world. Without personal accounts of what we are up against in a bitch's world, how could we learn to succeed in spite of her?

Also, I want to thank every single bitch I have ever met in my life. Thank you for pushing me to the point of productivity. Without your behavior as a catalyst for inspiration, I wouldn't have been irked to the point of inking my exasperation.

To all of my family and friends who didn't jump to conclusions when I told them what my book was titled, thank you. I am especially proud of my father.

To my little baby, Jamison. You were my constant companion while I wrote this book. Your kicks, elbow rolls, and constant hunger strikes kept me going. I am so in love with you and am already praying for the nice girl you will marry someday.

Last but not least, I want to thank my mother for being just the way she is. You have taught me what it means to have an opinion. German, spicy, and outspoken—I wouldn't want you any other way.

Introduction

     I don't cuss a lot.

     To be honest, I feel a little clumsy when I swear.

     My brother once told me that fart was the F word, and for years, I believed him. Have you ever told someone to fart off? It doesn't have nearly the same effect. So needless to say, I am not proficient in profanity.

     So when I decided to write a book about how nice girls can succeed in a bitch's world, I didn't choose the word bitch without giving it some thought. In fact, I thought about the word more than I ever had before.

     I am not in the habit of calling a woman a bitch. I don't throw it around in casual conversation, nor do I think it's acceptable to use in most cases. But when a woman tells you that she is a bitch and proud of it, you really have no choice but to call her one.

     So, by request, I have chosen to call the bitch what she wants. However, my accommodating behavior for the empress of ego stops there.

     From reality shows that glorify the gruesome exploits of raw female aggression, to magazine articles revealing how to cultivate your inner bitch, the bitch is the reason that in today's culture manners have been replaced with moxie and humility has been overthrown by haughtiness.

     And even though the bitch has been around since the beginning of time, we live in a unique time in history when our society actually approves and encourages the bitch's audaciousness and calls it ambition.

     I call it defamation.

     This rampant breed of self-proclaimed bitch constitutes an overwhelming part of the population spanning from Hollywood to housewife. She works in your office. She is your old high school adversary. She is your mother. She is the ex-girlfriend. She is the college girl in the mini-skirt. She is the girl on her bedazzled cell phone cutting you off in traffic.

     You can't get away from her.

     In fact, with so many bitches running around, you may wonder whether you are one, too, just by default of gender. It has become that synonymous with being a successful woman.

     Bookshelves are lined with best-selling titles applauding the bitch's lifestyle, making the term less shocking and more endearing than ever before—Any Bitch Can Cook, Confessions of a Prairie Bitch, Bitch Is the New Black, Why Men Love Bitches, and Stitch 'n Bitch, to name a few. Books like these inform women on how to be a successful or better bitch, but what about those of us who don't want to be bitches? What about those of us who don't agree that being mean and manipulative rocks?

     With so much emphasis on the brand of being a bitch, where is the advice for those of us who don't subscribe to her set of unethical ideals? How do we deal with these brazen ladies who are dead set on getting their bitch on at your expense? This book is the answer.

     It's high time that there is a voice given to all of us who think that doing the right thing and choosing to treat others with respect is a noble way to act. We need a spot on the stage of life that doesn't demand, but rather commands attention through virtuosity.

     I believe that those who choose not to wear the bitch label and learn how to navigate in a bitch's world will ultimately rise above her disastrous agenda for domination to find even greater success.

     Harnessing and utilizing your commitment to being kind will threaten the foundation of the bitch's empire, which is built upon a media-driven hunger for self-glorification.

     Nice girls inherently possess all that is needed to be successful in any career, relationship, or goal that she dares to dream up. You just have to be able to tap into that power, as well as defeat the bitch's many tactics to take you down.

     No matter what you've been led to believe, you are the asset to our society, not the bitch.

     She complains incessantly to get her way. You appreciate what you've been given, even when things don't go according to plan.

     She runs anyone and everyone over in order to create a bridge to her own bliss. You are happy to offer a step up to someone who needs it.

     She tells enough lies that she can't even recognize the truth. You are committed to seeking the truth and recognizing lies when they are being told.

     She spends enough money to support a small country, even though her designer debt can't fill the hole in her seriously flawed character. You exercise restraint in spending but don't deny yourself the occasional splurge when you've worked hard to deserve it.

     So what is the hype all about? Why would anyone want to endorse her ego?

     If you are as fed up as I am with this new trend of bitch, then consider yourself to be in good company.

     You are going to discover how you, the nice girl of today, can kick some serious butt by using subtle strategies of social grace. It is imperative to learn how to maneuver safely and productively through a landmine-laden concrete jungle crosshatched with carefully placed bitch bombs.

     It's time to whip the bitch to the curb with a smile on your face and a thank you on your lips.

Nice is defined as refined in manners [and] language and virtuous; respectable; decorous. Words like virtuous and respectable have been lost in today's generation of young women; it's as if we don't know what it means to have manners at all.

     The bitch is the queen of eye rolling, snappy comebacks, and disinterested hair flipping. She has set the tone for the continuing extinction of politeness.

     Reclaiming the importance of etiquette is a key component to your success as a nice girl stuck in her gum-snapping world, but as you've probably already discovered, you won't be able to excel beyond the B's advances on manners alone.

     Instead, it is vitally important to redefine what being nice is. So what should it look like?

     Well, it's not the type of nice that Sister Clarence prays for. It is a combination of graciousness and fearless grit. It is my hope that this book will become a comprehensive cannon helping you to not only navigate but also to ascend beyond modern-day lady warfare and excel in your chosen profession, relationship, or friendship.

     From line cooks, bartenders, investment bankers, musicians, authors, and artists, to mothers, wives, truck drivers, army enlisters, and construction workers—no matter the walk of life, the bitch will be there shoulder to shoulder with the nice girl. So you need to be equipped to handle the battle.

     In all likelihood, I am certain that you have already had many battles with the bitch and are tired conceding or compromising time and time again. I, too, know what it is like to be in the crosshairs. I've had countless face-to-face battles with the big B. As a former beauty queen who spent my teens as an actress in Hollywood, to having a few celebrity beaus, two country albums, and now a happy marriage to the love of my life, I have discovered over and over the extraordinary strength of being a nice girl in a bitch's world. It is something that you must protect, implement, and preach at all times.

     What the bitch doesn't understand about nice girls is that we are not living lives of compromise. We are choosing to live lives of sincerity and kindness. We are not quiet, submissive, or directionless. We are self-controlled, giving, and patient.

     And despite the bitch's assumptions, the nice girl is not afraid of adventure. A nice girl should never be scared of taking a step in the direction of her dreams, even if it means she may be smack-dab in the bitch's territory. Every adventure has an element of danger, right?

     Let's see.

The Adventures of Indiana Jones—hmm . . . eating live baby snakes? Gross, and yes, I'd say dangerous.

     How about Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? Time travel in a phone booth is very dangerous—there are no inflatable flotation devices or lights that lead to exits.

     And of course Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Being a revolutionary vying for tolerance in the throes of a racist society at the age of thirteen? Well, I reckon you could get hanged for that, son.

     Adventure is always associated with danger—that's why so many of us don't take one.

     We are all given the tools to create our own adventure, and yet we choose to set it aside for a time when the risk is lower. Nice girls, listen up: the time is now for you to devise a plan to get ahead in a culture that tells you that your gentle nature is nothing but a handicap.

     So I offer this collection of no-nonsense, honest, encouraging advice to all the girls who, when confronted with this new bitchism, want to say, "Bitch? Please!"

     If you don't want to have to warp your ideals to get ahead in a culture twisted toward cliquish combat, then get your No. 2 pencils ready. It's time to get started!

Chapter I

Identifying the Nice Girl Nemesis

First things first: Who are we talking about when we say bitch?

     This can be tricky. As women, we have to admit that there is a little bitch inside all of us. Even nice girls can't deny that we have to constantly tame the little voice in our heads that says everything is all about us. But what we must understand is that there is a world of difference between having a bitchy moment and being a bitch.

     One is an emotion; the other is a lifestyle.

     Perhaps you're like me and find yourself wondering, Why can't everyone just get along? Unfortunately, the bitch isn't going anywhere, and as long as she is en vogue, we have to find a way to make a way for ourselves, despite her current trending.

     Conversely, nice has become a dirty word for women. It represents the proverbial doormat. And according to Web sites like MaliciousBitch.com, it certainly isn't a way to behave for women who just ain't gonna take it no more.

     What does the bitch have to be so angry about, anyway?

     Apparently her thong has gotten in a twist over the last few decades. She is out to prove to the world that being loud and lewd is the only way to get what she wants. And the bitch wants it all.

     As a nice girl, you can't let the bitch have all the fun.

     I bet you have been told that being nice is a flaw. That being considerate won't get you the big cheese. That being gentle and kind is as old-fashioned as your first pair of Jimmy Choos. Well, the bitch is wrong.

     Nice is napalm in a society dedicated to making mean queen. It's unexpected, countercultural, and devastatingly refreshing.

     Let the bitch continue to wear her You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing T-shirt and driving around with her I'm not stubborn, my way is just better license plate frame.

     While she is busy trying to make a statement about her ubiquitous quest for the all about me show, you will be fashioning a foundation of morals that will last long after she stops kicking and screaming her way through life.

     Despite what today's world is trying to sell, being a bitch means what its definition says: a malicious, unpleasant, selfish person.¹

     As nice girls, we don't care how cute the bitch bumper sticker or the babydoll tee is. It's quite simple to refuse to subscribe to the bitch's belief that being malicious is something to celebrate.

     I firmly believe in the power of nice and its ability to help you succeed in this life. As a nice girl, you must always choose to oppose the bitch's bill of goods, and now more than ever, it is important for us to commit wholeheartedly to overturning the Queen B's reign.

Bette