How to Survive Your Marriage: By Hundreds of Happy Couples Who Did

Introduction

Whether you are just about to take the big plunge or have already been married for 50 years, you probably realize just what a huge challenge marriage can be. Take two completely separate people, with different sets of experiences and differing sizes of luggage, walk them down the aisle, and then watch them try to meld those two lives into one. The result can be anything from wedded bliss to horror story.

This book, the fourth in the HUNDREDS OF HEADS Survival Guide series, grew out of the simple idea that when you’re facing any of life’s major challenges—like deciding whether to say two simple words like I do or rather to head for the hills—it’s good to get advice from people who have been there, done that. Getting married and surviving your relationship with your beloved partner is hard work—why try to navigate these waters yourself?

Other advice books, no matter how smart or expert their authors, are generally limited to the knowledge of only one or two people. This book takes a different approach: our headhunters have talked to hundreds of people about their marriage experiences, and compiled the best advice here for your benefit. If two heads are better than one, as the saying goes, then we think hundreds of them are even better.

As you read through this book, you’ll see that we all struggle with the same questions: How do men and women communicate? Should we have separate or joint checking accounts? Why does he always leave the seat up, and why does she care? Why are the in-laws so hard to deal with? Who takes out the trash and who does the laundry? How do you make time for romance in your hectic life? You’ll also gain the invaluable knowledge gleaned from people all over the country, of various ages and marital experience, who have developed their own strategies for long-term compatibility.

Of course, with so many interviewees, we often found people with starkly opposite views on the same issues. For your benefit, we’ve put them all together, so that you’ll sometimes see two very different pieces of advice right next to one another. It’s up to you to decide which approach works for you and your spouse. You may not agree with a particular respondent’s point of view, but in this book you can choose from hundreds of others.

So read on. With so many stories to read and so much to learn, you can’t lose. Being married is one of the most difficult things you can do: It will test the limits of your compassion, your ability to compromise and communicate, your parenting style, your very sense of self. But, of course, marriage is also one of life’s most rewarding journeys. Our advice: Don’t go it alone.

YADIN KAUFMANN

LORI BANOV KAUFMANN

LITTLE HEADS

So you’ll know just how expert our respondents really are, we’ve included their credentials in this book. Look for these icons:

003 = Married

004 = Engaged

005 = Divorced

Y = Years

M = Months

1

This Is It: Getting Engaged and Planning the Wedding

Contrary to popular belief, married life doesn’t begin when you actually get married. It begins the moment you or your spouse answers, Yeah, sure to the popped question: Will you marry me? From that moment on, riding a wave of love and congratulations, you are thrown into one of the most demanding times of your new life together: planning a wedding. From pulling off a clever engagement, to staying afloat in a sea of gift registries, flower arrangements and future in-laws, here are your survival tricks of the trade.

MY FIANCÉ TOOK A DAY OFF OF WORK to drive from Chicago to Iowa and ask my parents for my hand in marriage. They were really touched by it.

—ANN MAGNER

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

006 5M

DO NOT LET YOUR FAMILY RUN YOUR WEDDING.

—ALLISON BENOIT

HOUMA, LOUSIANA

007 1M

POP THE QUESTION ON VACATION. Once arriving at our condo in Kauai, I quickly moved her out of the room and onto the beach. It was raining, but my excuse was that I didn’t fly 8 hours to not see the beach. It was Valentine’s Day 2003 and I walked her over to a rock and asked her to close her eyes while I wrote a love poem in the sand as her gift. I cleared off the sand and wrote, Will You Marry Me? Then, I walked her back in front of me and she slowly opened her eyes to these words and me kneeling behind with her ring

—M.T.

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

009 2M

I proposed to my husband. I didn’t get down on one knee. We weren’t in a position to do that.

—DEB S.

SAN DIEGO,

CALIFORNIA

011 27Y

DON’T PROPOSE ON A HOLIDAY. The proposal needs to be special on its own. My husband waited until the weekend after my birthday to propose, which was great because I didn’t suspect anything. When he took me on a gondola ride in Newport Beach, I figured we were still celebrating. Instead, as we floated down the water, our guide asked me to pick up a glass bottle that was floating outside our boat. Inside, was a proposal note from my husband.

—S.A.

LAKE FOREST, CALIFORNIA

012 6Y

YOU GET ENGAGED ONCE, so do something special. I shocked my girlfriend by proposing the night we had to go pick my sister up from the airport. When we parked the car I got out a couple bags I’d packed and surprised her even more by taking her to Los Angeles and then on a cruise for a long weekend.

—JOE SCHWAB

DENVER, COLORADO

013 1M

MY THEN-FIANCÉ BOUGHT ME THE RING of my choice and promised to love me forever. I was thrilled! However, I just couldn’t give up the whole shopping experience. I later found a ring I liked better. I called my fiancé from the mall and asked if I could exchange the rings. He said, Well, how much does it cost? I said, Less than the original. He said, NOW THAT’S THE KIND OF GIRL I WANT TO MARRY!

—TARY PARIS

LINCOLN, NEBRASKA

014 10Y

"Planning a wedding is a good time to practice that whole compromise thing.

—LIZ WASHBURN

COLUMBIA, MISSOURI

AFTER WE ANNOUNCED OUR ENGAGEMENT, my family started giving us all their ideas about a big traditional wedding. I wanted to keep everything simple but was letting my family talk me out of my plans. Finally, my husband reminded me that it was me getting married and not my family, and we went ahead with our plans of getting married, just the two of us. No matter how excited your family gets, don’t ever lose track of what the bride and groom want. You’re the two that matter.

—ALLISON BENOIT

HOUMA, LOUISIANA

017 1M

PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND talks about, because you can get really creative proposal ideas this way. My girlfriend had been hounding me for weeks about this 32" TV she wanted, so for Christmas, I got this huge box and wrapped it up to look like the TV. Inside, however, were about seven smaller boxes that fit inside one another. The last box she unwrapped was the smallest one—and inside, was her ring.

—ANONYMOUS

CASTLE ROCK, COLORADO

020 5Y

To save money, we chose a Sunday when few weddings are scheduled, so we got a pretty good deal on the venue.

—R.J.

REDMOND, WASHINGTON

021 10Y

BUY BLANK VIDEOTAPES FOR THE PERSON taping your wedding. My husband’s friend videotaped our wedding. Without previewing the tape, I took it to work to show my coworkers. During our lunch hour, we viewed the tape in a conference room. The tape was only 20 minutes long and when it ended it switched to a porno. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. My friends teased me about wanting to see the wedding and not the honeymoon. It was awful. Then, the guy had the nerve to ask for the tape back.

—D.L.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

023 6Y

SHE HAD ALREADY PICKED OUT the engagement ring. We both went to pick it up. So, I go in, pay for it and bring it back to the car. She was very excited about getting the ring. I took her hand, looked in her eyes and said, Will you marry me? She said, Yeah, yeah, yeah, give me my ring. I remind her of that sometimes.

—K. BECKERING

SYRACUSE, NEW YORK

024 8Y

COMBINE A FAVORITE HOBBY with the proposal. I love to read. So my husband bought me a beautiful hardcover book of poetry. He glued the second half of the book’s pages together, and then he hollowed out a space inside the book for the ring and marked that spot with a ribbon bookmark! Then he built a special box out of sturdy cardboard that fit the book exactly, and he covered the box with beautiful black velvet fabric, decorated with a burgundy velvet bow. I was so completely shocked when I opened that box! It was such a special time and such a creative proposal. We keep the beautiful velvet box in the china cabinet in our dining room. I just love it!

—JENNIFER BRIGHT REICH

HELLERTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA

025 1Y

Guys, you always hear, It’s her wedding. It’s true. Even if she says, No, it’s our wedding, it’s really hers.

—SAM C.

INDIANAPOLIS,

INDIANA

INVOLVE YOUR FIANCÉ IN THE LITTLE decisions to make him feel like he’s helping. For example, I let him choose between yellow or periwinkle bridesmaids dresses. I knew he’d pick yellow, which was my number one choice, but it made him feel good to be able to pick things I cared about.

—A.D.

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA

028 10M

SURPRISE PROPOSALS AREN’T NECESSARILY a good thing. I’d planned on asking my wife to marry me during a romantic hike. However, because she had no idea what was coming, she insisted we bring our dog. Unfortunately, dogs can’t do the hike I wanted to do, so I was forced to find another trail. It turned out to be a memorial to a bunch of firefighters who had died while battling a blaze. When we got to the top, we were surrounded by graves, which was hardly romantic. We were also so exhausted that I decided not to propose until we got back to the hotel. In hindsight, I wish I would’ve given my wife some sort of clue about what was coming that day.

—RANDY FREITIK

PEORIA, ILLINOIS

030 8Y

SPOTLIGHT THIS ENGAGEMENT

THE PROPOSAL IS ABOUT DOING SOMETHING COMPLETELY UNIQUE because she’s the most special person to you. For our proposal, I told my wife that I had to interview a band at the Fox Theater in Atlanta. I’ve taken her to interviews before, so she was not surprised. We arrived at the back of the theater (as I had arranged), and the theater director dismissed himself as he led us through to the stage. There we were, on the stage of one of the most beautiful theaters in the world. Then the orchestra started playing our song, and my wife was really in shock. She dropped her purse in the orchestra pit. The spotlight shined on me as I turned to her with the ring. She was so floored, I had to hold her up. She accepted, and we danced under the theater’s blue sky to the music I had chosen for us.

—JOSHUA LEVS

ATLANTA, GA

031 4Y

IF YOUR MOM CAN’T HELP YOU with your wedding, get creative. My mother would normally have played a big role in planning my wedding but since she wasn’t in town, our preacher’s wife did some of the things she would have. She was kind of like a drill sergeant, making sure everyone was in their place and that the big picture was on target. And she came with the preacher for the same fee!

—ANONYMOUS

SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS

032 5Y

"Once you get engaged, a world of wedding hell is thrust upon you. If you think planning a wedding is fun, you probably aren’t the one getting married. Eloping to Vegas never sounded so good.

—MITCH S.

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

033 5M

DON’T SET A WEDDING DATE that will be during deer season. If it has to be in the fall, during hunting time, pick bird season—that way you’ll only piss off one or two of your friends.

—RUTH CORNETT

LANSING, MICHIGAN

034 4Y

USE VISUAL AIDS. I was managing most of the wedding details, trying to keep him involved by asking for his opinions. More often than not his reply was I don’t care. You can imagine my surprise when after a few weeks, he complained that he wasn’t involved enough in the planning of our wedding! Desperate for a way to help him to get involved, I took huge pieces of poster board and cut pictures of items from wedding magazines and made an idea map. This helped us to make critical decisions such as what types of rings we wanted, what types of food to serve at the reception, and more. I still use this technique from time to time when I’m stuck with a problem.

—CAROL GILMORE

EASTON, PENNSYLVANIA

037 13Y

A new trend for engaged couples is to declare sack sessions off-limits in the weeks before the wedding. Banning bedroom play guarantees that honey-moon sex will be as hot as possible.

—COSMOPOLITAN

MAGAZINE

SPEND MONEY ON YOUR PHOTOGRAPHER. We tried to cut costs there and it was a nightmare. Not only did he take eight months to return our photos, but many of them were messed up and dirty when we finally got them back. Seriously, you can save money on flowers and centerpieces (which die anyway) and party favors, which people forget to bring home. But wedding pictures last forever.

—WREN JOHNSON

CENTENNIAL, COLORADO

039 1Y

LADIES, DON’T TORTURE YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND with the task of gift registries. Go with your mom, go with a friend. Go with anybody except the man you are going to marry. I did not bring mine and it was perfect. I know friends who did . . . NIGHTMARE!

—L.S.

SHARON, MASSACHUSETTS

040 8Y

IF I COULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING DIFFERENTLY, I would have started saving money for a wedding years before so I could have had the type of party I wanted to have afterward.

—MONICA Y. DENNIS

BRIDGEPORT, CONNECTICUT

041 3Y

HIRE SOMEONE TO PLAN THE WEDDING. We fought a lot, and the moms made it so hard. If I did it over again, I’d just hire someone.

—CHELI BROWN

ATLANTA, GEORGIA

042 1Y

I KNOW FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE that you can plan an amazing wedding in three weeks. I did it. All you have to do is make sure you don’t get attached to any single detail. I wasn’t married to any particular kind of flower. I didn’t have a specific type of dress I had to have. And it all came through perfectly. I concentrated on making sure it was good enough. And everyone tells me it was the best wedding they’d ever been to.

—HANIA

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON

043 1Y

Have an open bar. I can’t stress this enough. If you want to have a fun wedding, have an open bar.

—DAN TWETTEN

CHICAGO, ILLINOIS

045 4Y

DO NOT ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO PARTICIPATE in the gift registry unless he has a keen interest in it. You will end up with strange-looking china, stranger-looking silverware and bizarre glassware. It is best to leave this to those who care for it. My husband couldn’t pick our dishes out of a line-up, even though he uses them everyday.

—ANONYMOUS

SINGER ISLAND, FLORIDA

046 7Y

PRENUP, THUMBS UP?

I’VE BEEN A DIVORCE ATTORNEY for 28 years. I recommend that everyone get a prenuptial agreement. This way, you specify exactly what happens to your finances during your marriage, and you also know what will happen if the marriage ends. If you don’t have an agreement and your marriage ends, you go to the courts and are dependent upon the subjective opinions of the judge. You have no certainty what will happen then. I have to admit my wife and I didn’t have a prenup when we were married 28 years ago. But if I had it to do over again, I would get one. I think that she would, too.

—BOB NACHSHIN

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

048 28Y

IT WASN’T A LEGAL DOCUMENT, but we laughingly say our prenuptial agreement was, No pets, no kids, no lawn. We knew going into our marriage that we didn’t want to have children—we felt it was too late for us to get started on family and our relationship would be better without children. I love animals but I’m allergic to almost all of them and my husband didn’t grow up with pets in his household, so we knew we didn’t want to have pets. It’s also something else to take care of. It’s kind of liberating not to have to walk the dog at night. We’re not interested in having a showplace of a house; even mowing the lawn would be a waste of energy that we’d rather spend on something else more valuable to us. Some might say that we’re horribly self-absorbed, but it works for us.

—J.H.

ATHENS, GEORGIA

049 5Y

PRENUPTIAL AGREEMENTS? Oh, hell no. We decided to marry, bad credit and all.

—SARAH CLARK

NEW YORK, NEW YORK

051 2Y

YOU DON’T MARRY SOMEONE FOR THEIR THINGS. You marry them for