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    Essentials of Pre-Marital Counseling: Creating Compatible Couples
    Essentials of Pre-Marital Counseling: Creating Compatible Couples
    Essentials of Pre-Marital Counseling: Creating Compatible Couples
    Ebook172 pages2 hours

    Essentials of Pre-Marital Counseling: Creating Compatible Couples

    By Sandra L. Ceren and Michael J. Salamon

    3.5/5

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    About this ebook

    Expand Your Clinical Practice with this Practical Hands-on Guide Teach conflict resolution skills to your couples Introspective quizzes expose more of couples' inner lives and past history to each other Real-life exercises let couples practice cooperative decision- making and compromise before a crisis happens. Couples will discover and have the opportunity to change bad habits which threaten the viability of the relationship.
    Therapists Acclaim for Essentials of Pre-Marital Counseling
    "An invaluable ten-week program of specific steps to evaluate a relationship, detect warning signs and avoid disastrous pitfalls before committing to marriage."
    --Holly A. Hunt, PhD, author of Essentials of Private Practice
    "What I find most rewarding about this book is what Dr. Ceren refers to as 'The art of gracious compromise'-or what may be called-how to get along in your relationship. Therapists take heed, this book is for you and your clients! You will benefit greatly."
    --Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D., FICPP, Senior Psychologist/Director, Adult Developmental Center, Author of The Shidduch Crisis
    "A remarkable roadmap to a healthy relationship and insight into self, written by a therapist who combines experience and skill in improving the lives of others."
    --Rosalee G. Weiss, PhD Diplomate, American Board of Psychological Specialties Book #7 in the New Horizons in Therapy Series

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherLoving Healing Press
    Release dateJun 1, 2008
    ISBN9781615999811
    Essentials of Pre-Marital Counseling: Creating Compatible Couples
    Author

    Sandra L. Ceren

    Sandra L. Ceren, Ph.D. was born and primarily educated in New York, but she has spent the last several decades on the California coast. She completed the training program in New York at the American Institute of Psychoanalysis and Psychotherapy. A practicing clinical psychologist for over forty years, she has earned the status of Diplomate from the American Board of Family Psychology. She is a Fellow of the Academy of Family Psych-ology and a member of the Academy of Psychologists in Marital and Family Therapy. She is a former editor of The Family Psychologist. Based on her research and long experience with couples of all ages--those contemplating marriage for the first time, or after several relationships, she has developed a unique premarital counseling program. The materials she has created have proven reliable in determining compatibility and emotional readiness for marriage. The personalized program teaches effective communication and conflict resolution skills applicable to daily life. Apart from direct contact with clients, she reports on mental health research and answers queries in a weekly health column Ask Dr. Ceren. This popular column has been published in newspapers over many years. Dr. Ceren is well known to the media as an expert in relationships and has appeared on Oprah!, Good Morning America, and BBC World News. She has a passion for writing fiction too. Prescription For Terror, the first of her series of psychological thrillers featuring a psychologist/sleuth was published in 1999, followed by Secrets From The Couch in 2002. Many of her short stories have been published in anthologies. Her personal and professional experiences have contributed to her understanding and compassion for others. She has firsthand experience in marriage, separation, divorce, single parenting, and the contentment of a second marriage. Her thoughtful husband-to-be agreed to her decision to wait several years until her children were grown. She now enjoys a quiet lifestyle and the luxurious role of grandmother. Learn more about Dr. Sandra L. Ceren, read blog postings, and the latest news at www.DrSandraLevyCeren.com

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    Reviews for Essentials of Pre-Marital Counseling

    3.5/5

    13 ratings7 reviews

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    • 1/5
      I am a Christian pastor and work a lot with married couples, both in ministry and in counseling. As such, I have read quite a number of books on marital and pre-marital counseling. I have to say that Ceren's volume is undoubtedly the worst text I have read on the subject. It is not that there is nothing of value in it, but what insights or suggestions to be found that are of value -- and they are too few and too far between -- are not in the least unique. That is to say, you've probably occurred to you by way of common sense and you own experience or you've already heard them or could hear them in a more well-written, interesting and useful book on relationship counseling. I certainly can't speak to Ceren's capabilities regarding live-and-in-person counseling with couples; hopefully she is very competent face to face. But I can confidently assert that she was incapable of transmitting well whatever skills she might have to the printed word.
    • 5/5
      We all know that a large percentage of American marriages end in divorce. These numbers are even higher for subsequent marriages. No one gets married planning to have it fail. However, many couples put more emphasis on planning the wedding than they do on planning the actual marriage. As a Therapist, you have a wonderful opportunity to assist couples in learning how to make the marriage work after the actual wedding ceremony and honeymoon end. Dr. Sandra Ceren has put together a remarkably easy to follow and understand counseling blueprint for couples considering marriage. Real life case studies and examples will lead the therapist through a series of ten meetings and discussions with couples. Using her ideas and proven methods, the therapist can assist couples in finding areas of probable conflict, work through them, and emerge a stronger team after counseling sessions.Dr. Ceren combines education and experence to assist couples in the "art of gracious compromise", lessons that would serve most of us in both our personal and professional relationships. The author writes frankly and honestly about the need to actually know a partner before marriage, and offers quizzes that can help your clients explore each other's personality, personal history and thought processes. I found the entire book well written, excellently presented and very well organized. It's obvious Dr. Ceren has put much work into this guide. I firmly believe that any therapist hoping to include marital/premarital counseling in their practice should keep a copy of this book close by........it will be referred to again and again.
    • 5/5
      This is a very insightful and helpful book. It gives practical advice on what a counselor can do to best help their clients. There are many illustrations that give various points of view, giving one a better understanding of personality traits and how clients might possibility respond in various situations. There is a very nice breakdown on what a 10 session premarital program might look like, sharing the importance of both single and joint counseling sessions. There are personality and relationship quizzes to take and then great details given concerning answers those particular questions. There is also included an all important chapter on "Communication and Conflict Resolution." The author lists the role of the listener as well as the presenter and the importance of both. This is vital within the life of any marriage and very helpful information. Then role playing situations are staged allowing each individual to see how the other person may feel in a given situation. This is helpful to allow one from being so opinionated and more open minded to what their partner may be going through. Giving one a different perspective or point of view would be huge to avoid difficulty within a marriage. There are case studies included that will help one to see the various type of situations that a couple could face and options of how they could be handled in a positive manner. There are some partners who will not change no matter what and there are examples of that as well.Also included is a great resource section that allows the reader to dig in further concerning a particular topic or issue that they would like additional information about. The detailed premarital quiz at the end of the book could be invaluable to better understanding one's future mate, thus allowing the opportunity to cut down on future frustration.I would recommend this book to premarital counselors as a great resource. Author Sandra L. Ceren, PhD. does a fantastic job of helping one to consider many items that could be overlooked that would allow one to avoid costly mistakes.5 of 5 stars
    • 5/5
      I enjoyed reading this book, profited from it, and will certainly use it as a reference, and to help me keep perspective in my own counseling situations.She sets out a ten-session pre-marital counseling program, explaining what to do with each session. I do not foresee using that outline, but it is helpful to follow her through her reasons and strategies.The heart of the book is two long self-surveys for each individual to fill out. Then they are talked through with the counselor. "Fill out" is inadequate as the questions (100 on the "Relationship Quiz" and 58 on the "Personality Quiz") are the type that usually require more than a 1-word answer. No doubt some answers could go on to more than a page.The "Relationship Quiz" comes with a second copy within which the author adds her own comments about the significance of the questions and/or the significance of possible answers. This is all helpful, allowing us the benefit of her experienced insight in a very practical, as against theoretical, context.There is helpful content on conflict resolution, including a number of suggested role-playing situations, again with helpful comments from the author about each one.Helpful additional chapters treat "personality disorders" and other interesting personality tendencies that are not necessarily diagnosable.The author's extensive experience lend to the book's realism, but that realism did not leave me with a negative feeling. She communicates hopefulness about marriage relationships, even in some pretty challenging situations.There is no index, but the short bibliographic section at the back got me interested in pursuing some other resources, including the idea of "Cinema Therapy".There are some linguistic oddities that usually are an obvious result of not quite enough editing. I could probably list two dozen. (An example: "If he is chooses not to complain ...") That's unfortunate, because the quality of the content deserves a little better treatment in the process of getting published.But the book is substantial and sensible. I recommend it.
    • 5/5
      Essentials of Premarital Counseling is written for clinical practitioners but its simple, easy-to-understand approach makes it useful for ministers, lay counselors, parents, friends, or engaged couples themselves. Just by statistics alone, marriage today is a flip of a coin -- about 50% of marriages end in divorce. It's obvious that some people should not get married because their personalities are so incompatible. Dr. Ceren's premarital questionnaires help couples identify problem areas where they can rationally evaluate themselves and decide whether or not their compatibility level is sufficient for them to have a successful marriage. Those who listen and seriously consider how compatible they are will greatly improve their chances for successful marriage. Not everyone who is 'head over heels' in love will pay attention to a book like this -- or to premarital counselors who might try to share this information. But those who will listen benefit by going into marriage with their eyes open. Highly practical and easy-to-read. The author keeps the psychological mumbo-jumbo to a minimum as she deals with a wide variety of potential problem areas.
    • 1/5
      Lacking a faith focus, this book is helpful for non-christians who do not wish a faith basis in their marriage.
    • 3/5
      First is full disclosure: I'm a conservative Presbyterian pastor who cannot imagine pre-marital (or any other) counseling that is not rooted in the Holy Scriptures.With that said, Dr. Ceren's book can be helpful for those who are first learning how to do pre-marital counseling well. Rather than use her book as a strict model I would encourage counselors to read the book and pick out from it the most helpful elements. I have more specific critiques about some of the content but these critiques come down to "worldview" disagreements. Christian pastors looking to do Biblical pre-martial counseling should, on the whole, look elsewhere. The book is not without merit but comes from a different perspective on the objectives and intricacies of marriage.

    Book preview

    Essentials of Pre-Marital Counseling - Sandra L. Ceren

    Foreword

    Marriage is under assault. The divorce rate may have recently stabilized but marriage rates are in decline. Young women and men are putting off marriage out of fear of commitment and divorce. Conflicts in relationships are so worrisome to some people that they would rather not get married. Marriage and Family therapists are finding it increasingly difficult to navigate these difficult issues with their clients who seek techniques to assure them that they can make their commitments work. Research has begun to offer us insight into assisting therapists and their clients. Translating that research into practical and useful techniques requires someone with a great deal of methodological knowledge and clinical experience. Sandy Levy Ceren is such a professional. In this text Dr. Ceren has written a workbook for therapists and their clients.

    Employing a series of quizzes and questionnaires for individuals and couples Dr. Ceren has developed a methodology for people to gain insight into their own personality and determine compatibility. The text uses anecdotes and solutions to many of the most common frustrations and difficulties that couples have. What I find most rewarding about this workbook is what Dr Ceren refers to as The art of gracious compromise—or what may be called—how to get along in your relationship. Therapists take heed, this book is for you and your clients! You will benefit greatly.

    Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D., FICPP

    Senior Psychologist/Director

    Adult Developmental Center

    Hewlett, NY

    author: The Shidduch Crisis

    If you are newly incorporating premarital counseling into your practice, you will find this work a gratifying addition. From a practical point of view, you will not be burdened by filing insurance claims or writing reports and you will be paid fairly in a timely fashion. With the freedom from these restrictions, you can schedule ten sessions in advance for a flat fee. If more sessions are necessary, they can be paid at your hourly fee at the time of service, or you can elect a sliding scale depending on your choice and the needs of your clients. You will be engaged in confidential, meaningful, preventative work rather than damage control.

    Your current experience with couples may be with those in an already damaged established relationship. The couple may be in a conflict that’s at an impasse. Therefore, they may need a professional schooled in such matters to offer wisdom and compassion, and to provide them with the tools to fix what isn’t working for them. This is your expertise and you are confident that with your talent and their determination, their goals will be accomplished.

    Although some couples need more, they refuse in-depth work and prefer a quick fix. You patch up the current crisis until the next one erupts. You may find this work less gratifying and conclude to yourself that this couple would probably have been better off had they not married each other or married at all. There are couples who come your way at the brink of divorce, and after you assess their situation, it is clear that the relationship cannot be salvaged. More likely, too much scar tissue has built up to permit reconciliation. You do your best to emotionally support and guide them through the termination process.

    Sometimes you may puzzle over why they made the choice to be together from the beginning. Were they so dazzled by each other that they couldn’t think straight? Were they desperate for a partner? Was parental influence at play? Was a need for status or money an inducement?

    An ideal situation occurs when sophisticated couples choose premarital counseling to help them make one of the most important decisions they may ever make—a lifelong commitment to another human being. One or both partners may have suffered from difficult previous marriages or one or both are the offspring of divorced parents. They want to avoid problems, and are willing to do as much as possible to assure that they are right for each other and not destined for another tremendous emotional upheaval. They know about the huge legal expenses, re-location, child custody concerns, negative effects on family life and the pain of a shattered dream. They may be all too aware of what is involved in a stressful relationship.

    Working with couples determined to learn if they are good for each other before tying the knot is the most rewarding part of my practice. You may be challenged by some starry-eyed, naïve couples with little awareness of the profound impact marriage will have on many aspects of their lives and the likely challenges they will face. They may have decided on a brief course of premarital counseling at the request of a wise parent, friend, or colleague, or as a pre-requisite for a marriage license. Such a course may soon be required in many states to combat the high divorce rates. These couples may still be infatuated with each other and have not yet learned the difference between the intense feeling of infatuation and deep, sustaining love. They may need to learn that being in love and loving are separate experiences; the first is romantic and tentative, the second is fulfilling. They will find that infatuation fades when conflicts arise and resolution is unlikely or difficult.

    It is fine to talk about the positive qualities of marriage. A committed relationship provides a foundation for contentment and stability and can help each partner to reach their own potential. Marriage gives comfort when things outside the relationship aren’t going well.

    However, it is also essential to alert couples to the negative aspects of marriage:

    Living intimately with another person requires making decisions jointly. It means considering another’s viewpoint, likes and dislikes, which may differ from one’s own. This can create stress and shatter an otherwise peaceful existence, robbing the couple of joy and oft-times, self-worth. They must be prepared for a change in lifestyle, one that includes a new set of dynamics and expectations.

    We must acknowledge the unpleasant fact that approximately one-half of American marriages end in divorce. Many people are marrying for the second or third time.

    Few couples admit that they would knowingly enter a devastating relationship, yet too many accept it as their plight, or are willing to be martyrs. Based upon my clinical observations, at least 15% who stay married would rate their marriages as less than satisfactory. The US statistics on divorce rates has changed little over the past decade and may well soar over 50%. Since the rate doesn’t count people living in shifting de facto relationships, it may be underestimated. Still, many couples enjoy relationships that are a great source of fulfillment, emotional gratification and comfort.

    The qualities that help make for a successful union are detailed throughout this book. Identifying them will show whether your couple is emotionally ready for marriage?for a lifetime with that special person in whose company each feels most comfortable.

    Here you will find common sense coupled with forty years of psychological experience and wisdom gleaned from treating couples in troubled relationships. Many of these relationships failed because one or the other of the pair did not know how to read or heed the warning signs. Either their relationship was blinded by unhealthy needs, or they were not ready to commit. When perceptions are clouded by desire, people may overlook important aspects of the person they have chosen for a partner. Although couples seek premarital counseling, they may not realize the importance of taking time to make this decision carefully. Acting hastily doesn’t allow them time to know each other as well as possible, so they fail to avoid unpleasant surprises.

    To help prevent precipitous marriages, my standard ten-session program (see Chapter 2) offers couples the time and opportunity to view their personal and interpersonal situations more clearly, and stipulates that there are no guarantees. Pre marital counseling is far cheaper than a divorce and much cheaper than an all-day wedding reception.

    A research project cited in Family Relations (April 2003) reviewed 23 studies on the effectiveness of premarital counseling and found that the average couple who participates in a premarital counseling or education program reports a significantly stronger marriage than other couples.

    In choosing premarital counseling, couples should be congratulated for being off to a good start in learning to understand themselves and their partner.

    Structuring Individual Sessions

    I prefer to see each person separately for a couple of sessions, or more if necessary. The purpose of these sessions is to take a history, and to get to know the person as he is without his partner. Each has the opportunity to share concerns, which may be uncomfortable to talk about in front of the other. In these sessions, they can learn to frame these concerns appropriately to their partner later in joint sessions.

    During individual sessions, we review the qualities that drew them together, such as physical attraction, companionship, fear of not finding another mate in the future, motivation to have a family life, or economic improvement. All are compelling reasons for wanting to marry, but they are not enough. The following factors, which impact on their life together, must also be evaluated:

    They must feel safe and satisfied in being together. Pausing to question these feelings may be a warning sign of trouble ahead.

    They must be able to share deeply from the heart, to feel truly themselves with each other, assured that they are accepted for who they really are, not as someone they pretend to be, or their partner imagines them to be.

    They must know each other as completely as possible in order to love one another.

    They must be able to demonstrate that their partner’s wellbeing is as important as their own, that love is mutual and requires picking up the slack without measuring. They need to understand that love is a quality, not a quantity.

    They must share a common value system while keeping an open mind to examine things from their mate’s viewpoint.

    They must be able to grant concessions, providing it does not compromise their value system.

    They must respect

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