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    Abused? Who Me? How to Recognize Abuse and Help Yourself or Others
    Abused? Who Me? How to Recognize Abuse and Help Yourself or Others
    Abused? Who Me? How to Recognize Abuse and Help Yourself or Others
    Ebook159 pages2 hours

    Abused? Who Me? How to Recognize Abuse and Help Yourself or Others

    By Aminata Conteur

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    About this ebook

    Are you abused? Are you sure you can recognize the signs? Often as Christians, because we are seeking to do God’s will, to love and forgive, we sometimes miss the common signs of abuse. We sometimes excuse behavior that even God Almighty doesn’t excuse. This book identifies the signs in an easy-to-read format and gives suggestions for what to do, regardless of whether you choose to stay or leave.

    While Abused? Who Me? is also a helpful read for non-Christians, abused Christian wives are probably the most hidden group of abused women. Christian wives, if they even recognize they are being abused, feel the obligation to hide the abuse, to cover for their husbands, to cover for God. But God is not the author of the abuse, and He can handle the hit to his character and name. He does not need to be protected.

    God does not condone abuse. And because Christian wives feel the need to protect their families, their husbands, and God, they are often not even aware that what they are dealing with is actual abuse. Just as with non-Christian abused women, abused Christian wives rationalize, make excuses, take the blame on themselves, and are often in denial.

    This book helps to remove the veil on the denial of abuse. Any woman who is questioning whether what she is experiencing is abuse can read the short stories and see if she sees herself in them.

    The unique thing about Abused? Who Me?is it doesn't advise the abused woman on whether she should stay or leave. In fact, in the second half of the book, advice is given to those who choose to stay, as well as advice given to those who choose to leave.

    Abuse is demeaning, complex and confusing. Abused? Who Me? breaks it down into understandable components.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherEclectica Publishing
    Release dateJul 22, 2017
    ISBN9781370918621
    Abused? Who Me? How to Recognize Abuse and Help Yourself or Others
    Author

    Aminata Conteur

    My pen name has significance. Aminata means faithful, truthful, trustworthy and has African origins. Conteur means storyteller and has French origins. I chose to use a pen name first, to have a little privacy, but mostly because I like names and what they mean.

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      Book preview

      Abused? Who Me? How to Recognize Abuse and Help Yourself or Others - Aminata Conteur

      Abused? Who Me?

      How to Recognize Abuse and Help Yourself or Others

      By Druzella Pilegesh

      with Aminata Conteur

      Copyright 2017 by Publisher Charlayne Gray

      Published by Charlayne Gray through Eclectica Publishing at Smashwords

      Cover Design by James, GoOnWrite.com

      Smashwords Edition, License Notes

      Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the authors, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

      In the midst of the chaos in my life, God became my companion. He knew the unspeakable things that had happened in my life, and yet He didn’t turn His head in shame when I approached Him. He kept telling me I was okay and would be okay.- Aminata Conteur

      Table of Contents

      Why Druzella Pilegesh?

      Book Dedication/Acknowledgments

      She Has No Voice

      Chapter 1: Oh, That’s Abuse?!

      Chapter 2: Our Desire to Please God and Our Husbands – Where is God in All of This?

      Chapter 3: If You Stay

      Chapter 4: If You Leave

      Chapter 5: Seven Quick Tips on How Family and Friends Can Help

      Chapter 6: Final Thoughts

      Chapter 7: Resources

      About the Secondary Author

      Why Druzella Pilegesh?

      As of this writing, I am no longer separated from my husband as I was when I began this book. I struggled with whether to use my real name or not, and in the end chose not to. Why? Because I didn’t want the focus to be on me; I wanted the focus to be on what I have to say. I didn’t want the focus to be on my own personal struggle with abuse and intimidation. I wanted the focus to be on what God has shared with me, how He brought me out and is making me whole. When I refer to being brought out, this is not necessarily referring to leaving or divorcing. This book does not encourage staying or leaving. That is not my purpose. Whether to stay or leave is an individual decision and not one to be taken lightly. But God brought me out even while I was in my abusive home. By this, I’m referring to how He preserved my mind and heart, and kept me close to Him.

      Now, as a divorced woman, He has slowly and carefully put the pieces of my life back together. It has taken me over 9 years to write this book. After a great start – the first 2 chapters – I put the book aside for almost a year. I had no motivation to write and didn’t think I had anything more to say even though I felt there WAS more to say. I berated myself for being lazy (of course those words sounded in my head like my ex-husband’s voice) and couldn’t understand why I didn’t just finish the book! But now I understand that it was all in God’s timing. He knew the events to come and knew I needed more understanding and wisdom.

      Additionally, although I’m divorced, I’m wise enough to know to be wisely cautious. While my divorce was not a bitter one, at least not on my part, I do know my husband was not happy about it. He didn’t like his lack of control over me and how rebellious I’d become (his words). I’ve moved on with my life and basically try to stay off his radar. I do not contact him and do not answer nor respond to his phone calls. Through a series of unrelated events, I ended up having to get a new e-mail address after having had the same one for over 5 years. It is only now that I realize how again, all things work together for good… My ex-husband knew my previous e-mail address; he does not know my new one. So I don’t have to receive harassing e-mails from him. Nor do I have to block his e-mails which would only further enrage a person with control issues.

      So, in choosing a pseudonym, why choose Druzella Pilegesh?

      Well, first Druzella was chosen to honor my close friend’s grandmother. Druzella was a Christian woman who walked the walk and talked the talk. She was kind, generous, fore-bearing and exemplified the love of Christ. She took care of her family and did whatever was necessary for their success. But she was also married to an abusive husband – one who was in the ministry. However, he was a great pastor and good friend. At her death she was still married to her abusive husband, a man loved by his family despite his faults. Actually, it wasn’t until after her grandfather’s death that my friend learned of his abuse.

      My friend admired her grandmother because Druzella made the best of her situation, and protected her children from the effects of the abuse as best she could. So to honor her legacy and the strength my good friend inherited from her, I chose Druzella. Unlike the Drucilla of Acts 24:24, Drucilla, which means watered by dew, my friend’s grandmother had not been lured from a previous husband to marry my friend’s grandfather. My friend’s grandfather was Druzella’s first and only husband. But she was similar to the Drucilla in the bible in that she was a beautiful (in appearance) woman.

      The last name of Pilegesh, which is Hebrew for concubine, was chosen in honor of the Levites concubine in Judges 19 who was given over by her husband, to the perverted men of the town, to be raped and abused. According to the free online encyclopedia, Wikipedia, concubinage is the state of a woman or youth in an ongoing, quasi-matrimonial relationship with a man of higher social status. (Hagar is a well-known concubine in the bible.) Pilegesh, the concubine in Judges 19, wasn’t a perfect woman, as no woman is. She played the harlot, but this particular Levite in the bible chose her and sought her out even after she played the harlot. In the end she died at his hands because he made the decision to give her over to the perverted men of the city instead of protecting her as he should have. The irony is that he was a Levite, a man of God, who himself was already breaking God’s commandments because he should never have had a concubine in the first place. Pilegesh obviously wasn’t right and wasn’t righteous, yet she didn’t deserve the treatment that the Levite gave her and especially for the reason he did it. He gave her over to protect himself since, initially, the men were seeking to know him.

      My co-author’s name, Aminata Conteur, has African and French origins and means faithful, trustworthy, truthful storyteller.

      Book Dedication

      This book is dedicated to:

      All the women who wanted out and couldn’t make it out,

      all the women who bravely stayed in the midst of the battle,

      and especially to all those who didn’t make it and have gone on to glory.

      Acknowledgments

      There are so many people who, without their help, this book would not have been possible. However, to keep my identity private, I cannot name them by their real names. I hope, however, that they know who they are. I pray that the Lord blesses them for their support of me, my book, and women in need.

      She Has No Voice

      She has no voice,

      She isn’t heard,

      She has no say,

      No, not a word.

      Her children sigh,

      And wonder why,

      She has no choice,

      She has no voice.

      She has no voice,

      Though not sure how,

      Church members yell,

      Demanding NOW!

      Their right to say,

      What’ere they may,

      Yet not her choice,

      She has no voice.

      She has no voice,

      Void are her words,

      The pain she shares,

      Is never heard.

      Her husbands’ ear,

      It cannot hear,

      He’s made his choice,

      She has no voice.

      She has no voice,

      She’s silent now,

      Her muffled cries,

      Have all died down.

      She’s learned to cope,

      Reluctant choice,

      The fate of she,

      Who has no voice.

      Used by permission of the poem’s author.

      © Charlayne Gray 2008

      Introduction

      I had never been punched in the face before. As a child, I spent much of my time appearing to be tougher than I was. My mouth – and bold talk – got me out of almost every fight. And even the one or two I couldn’t bluff my way out of, we didn’t resort to punches – just mostly slaps and scratches as girls in my day tended to do.

      But this was different. I didn’t realize being punched hurt so much. In action movies you see men throwing punches as casually as shaking hands. Then they get up and walk away rubbing their chins like barely anything happened. So when I received my FIRST punch, I was unprepared for the stunning force of the action. It was a punch my husband threw.

      If you are an abused Christian wife and you are buying this e-book because you want an answer as to whether you should stay or go, DON’T BUY THIS E-BOOK! Your answer is not in this e-book. That answer can only come through prayer and listening to how the Lord is directing YOU.

      There are no blanket solutions for abusive Christian marriages. Each situation is unique in its own way. The purpose of this e-book is to impart information, along with scriptural references, and to offer empathy. When I was going through, it made me feel better to find out about others who were going through the same thing, not because I wished ill on others, but because it helped me to not feel so alone.

      Hopefully, what you will read in this book will help you to feel less alone. Hopefully it will help you to see you’re not stupid, lazy, evil, selfish or any of the other characteristics of which your abusive husband may have accused you. Just the fact that you’re reading this book means:

      •You want help.

      •You want change.

      •You want empathy.

      •You have initiative.

      •You want information (knowledge).

      •You want to do it God’s way.

      If you are reading this to help yourself or someone else you suspect has been abused, this book will first and foremost help to identity yourself or others. Often as Christians, because we are seeking to do God’s will, to love and to forgive, we sometimes miss the common signs of abuse. We sometimes excuse behavior that even God Almighty doesn’t excuse.

      Chapter 1: Oh, That’s Abuse?!

      Abuse! What images come to mind when you hear this word? Perhaps a woman in an old, worn dress standing in a kitchen with wallpaper peeling on the walls… She just finished cooking dinner. She puts the last of the serving dishes on the table, taking care to set them just so. As if right on cue, her husband walks through the front door, slamming it behind him. She flinches involuntarily when the door opens and immediately her hands are drawn to her hair – is every hair in place? She straightens her dress for the umpteenth time that evening and purses her lips to make sure her lipstick is evenly distributed. She quickly squelches the supposedly rebellious thought that she doesn’t even like wearing lipstick.

      Her husband tosses his lunch container in the sink, grazes his lips across her cheek as he passes, and plops in the chair at the head of the table.

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