Amish Girl in Manhattan: A True Crime Memoir - By the Foremost Expert on the Amish

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Praise for Amish Girl in Manhattan

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All proceeds from the sale of this book go to empower Amish women and children through education.

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Torah’s tale is one of immense trials followed by towering triumphs. She guides us through various moments in her life with such honesty and artistry that I felt like I was there by her side. I don’t reread often, but this is a book with chapters and sections that I will read again just to remind myself that if Torah can get through what she has, then I can, too. - Brian Young, author of Healer of the Water Monster

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Love this book. Truly groundbreaking! Thank you, Torah! - James Schwartz, author of The Literary Party: Growing Up Gay and Amish in America

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This book had me reading it to the end in almost one sitting! A very well written memoir, capturing the author’s life growing up in her Amish community, how she escaped and the obstacles she faced. - Lindsay Gibson, author of Just Be: How My Stillborn Son Taught Me to Surrender

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Reader Reviews

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Melanie Jones: Absolutely a must read. It is an easy yet well written read that deals with incredibly complex themes. . . .

As someone who has read quite a few books and memoirs dealing with themes of trauma and overcoming obstacles, I have to say this memoir has it all. It is an easy yet well written read that deals with incredibly complex themes. I found this book and the author’s personal journey to be so inspiring and empowering, as she describes and reflects on her escape from a terrible situation at a young age as well as her entrance into a culture (and even a language) quite different from her own. Her journey from Amish upbringing to graduating from one of the most elite universities in the USA is amazing. Highly, highly recommended, and my congratulations to the author for her success and hard work in processing so many traumas allowing her to be able to share her story in written form with us!

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Brian: She guides us through various moments in her life with such honesty and artistry that I felt like I was there by her side

Torah’s tale is one of immense trials followed by towering triumphs. She guides us through various moments in her life with such honesty and artistry that I felt like I was there by her side. It’s less a book and more a confession from a close friend. She brings to light a serious subject in Amish communities that is overlooked in favor of stereotypical depictions of Amish people and culture. It’s done with her strong sense of storytelling such that you devour her sentences and are anxious to see/read her next project. I don’t reread often but this is a book with chapters and sections that I will reread just to remind myself that if Torah can get through what she has, then I can, too.

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Amish Reader: Torah’s work is a tribute to the resilience of the human spirit.

Her fierce determination to claim her story while simultaneously not giving up on her people is what saints are made of! We Amish are lucky to have her.

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Lindsay Gibson: A Must Read!

This book had me reading it to the end in almost one sitting! A very well written memoir, capturing the author, Torah Bontrager's life growing up in her Amish community, how she escaped and the obstacles she faced. As a rape survivor myself, my eyes were in tears reading the horror of sexual abuse and rape she suffered through - yet I smiled after reading how she conquered. She is a hero and a strong inspiration to those who are suffering from trauma.

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Keerthi Vemulapalli: managed to escape from a terrible and situation

Congratulations to Torah for being able to process her traumatic childhood experiences enough to be able to write a memoir. This is a very inspiring and engaging story about how the author, a 15-year-old female, managed to escape from a terrible and situation. Despite being uneducated at the time of her escape and not speaking English as her first language, she then goes on to graduate from one of the most elite universities in the USA. I highly recommend this to anyone looking for inspiring true life stories about overcoming trauma, self-empowerment (especially female empowerment), and succeeding in life despite all odds.

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Tina: This book awakens one to the awful potentials of the closed Amish community

This book kept me riveted until the end. The emotional lows that she went through were so painful and traumatizing that I could empathize with her pain and hope now she can live a better life.

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MW: I am struck with how my perception of the Amish and your childhood are such sad conflicts. I am also dumbstruck with all that ...

I finished your book last night. Wow! Jaw dropping story! Each time I sat down to read a few pages, I found myself wondering what I would find next. And each page that I turned was more sensational than the one before. At the moment, I am struck with how my perception of the Amish and your childhood are such sad conflicts. I am also dumbstruck with all that you have achieved Torah, and your path along the way as you juggle burdens from your childhood. You amaze me.

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Kindle Customer: The devastating effects of using others....

Torah gets very real with the reader about what she felt growing up Amish, and the abuses she endured at the hands of selfish people. She has a very engaging personality, and is a natural leader. The end of the book, however, leaves the reader wondering if maybe the story isn’t finished yet. Hopefully she can find peace and forgiveness in her heart for those who committed these hideous acts and rise to her true potential... Looking forward to book two.

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by Torah Bontrager

AMISH GIRL

IN MANHATTAN

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a crime memoir

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TORAH BONTRAGER

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Amish Heritage Press

New York | USA

Copyright © 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020 Know-T, LLC

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in whole or in part in any form or by any means, including electronic, mechanical, photographic, photocopying or recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without prior written permission of the publisher or copyright owner. This book is intended to expand and enhance your perspective of the nature of reality. The author(s) and publisher assume neither responsibility nor liability to any person or entity for any loss or damage caused, or alleged to have been caused, directly or indirectly, by the information contained within this publication.

Portions of this work were published by the author in 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

Amish Heritage Press, an imprint of Know-T, LLC

New York | Texas | USA

646-653-0654

AmishGirl@TorahBontrager.com

Ordering Information: Discounts are available on quantity purchases. Special editions, which include personalized or branded covers, excerpts, and corporate or nonprofit imprints, can be created when purchased in large quantities. For details, please email or call us at the info above or via www.TorahBontrager.com

Book Design by Torah Bontrager

Author photos © Torah Bontrager

Amish Girl in Manhattan: A Crime Memoir / Torah Bontrager.

Previously published as An Amish Girl in Manhattan: Escaping at Age 15, Breaking All the Rules, and Feeling Safe Again

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020942929

ISBN: 978-0-9894200-8-2 (paperback)

ISBN: 978-0-9894200-5-1 (ebook)

Printed in the United States of America

This publication is designed to provide authoritative information on the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher and author are not engaged in rendering legal or other professional services. If legal or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional should be sought. Every effort has been made to provide accurate information and resources at the time of publication, but neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors or changes that occur after publication. The publisher does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content. If you do not wish to be bound by the above, you may return this publication to the publisher.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals. Events, locations and conversations have been recreated from memory to the best of the author’s ability and convey the emotional truths of actual occurrences. 

For my children,

so you know more about

the mysteries of your origins

Love yourself.

Listen to your heart.

Trust yourself. 

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You are not alone.

PREFACE 

WHEN I was a kid, I told myself that if I made it, I’d write a book about my experiences so those left behind inside the Amish Church would know that it’s possible to have a happy life in the devil’s playground. This is that book.

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Teenage Torah

THIS book is for teenage Torah.

For the girl who believed in herself.

For the girl who didn’t give up.

For the girl who dared to dream,

dared to defy,

dared to do the unthinkable.

This is for the girl who was born into the wrong family.

For the girl without a mother and father.

For the girl who knew (and knows) 

She was (and is)

More 

Than the restrictions imposed upon her.

This is for the

heartbreak

abuse

rape

loneliness

desolation

isolation

suicides

dark nights—

All that she went through.

This book is for that girl.

. . . Who still believes that love

is the most powerful force in the universe.

And that she deserves to be seen and heard.

(written on February 25, 2017 while listening

to David Bowie’s Heroes, the song that

carried me through my darkest teenage hours)

Music for the Soul

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Here are several selections that helped me get through the events or period of this chapter, or reflect musically what I felt during this time. I understood very little of most lyrics—even today my ears don’t process most words—but the melodies and instruments fed my soul. Had it not been for music, I wouldn’t have survived until I finally got to therapy at age twenty-nine.

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◆  Armin van Buuren.  Alone (feat. Lauren Evans).  Intense, 2013.

◆  Bob Dylan.  Forever Young.  Planet Waves, 1974.

◆  Bob Marley & The Wailers.  No Woman, No Cry.  Legend, the best of, 2002.

INTRODUCTION 

THIS memoir reflects a very brief sketch in time over the course of my life thus far. It hardly scratches the surface of all that I’ve experienced and all that’s shaped my worldview as of today. This version of my story is not the end result I originally envisioned—there are so many missing pieces—but I’d never have published anything if I hadn’t finally just picked a date and said, It’s done. I’ve lived a very unusual and colorful (and heartbreaking and soul-ripping) life that is impossible to convey in only one book. I see myself writing a second book, so look for more to come:

•  A short film based on the memoir

•  A TV series based on the memoir and my life

•  New episodes on the podcast

•  Writing workshops to help you leverage your personal story

•  Online Amish cultural awareness courses for social workers, educators, and creatives

If you’re Amish with no internet access, ask one of your English friends to sign up for my newsletter on your behalf. Or go to the public library and ask the librarian/staff for help with creating a free Gmail account and finding my website. Or call me at 212-634-4255 and leave a message with your contact information. That’s also the number to call if you need help escaping or assistance post-escape, no matter how many years it’s been. In the future I’ll come up with a way via my nonprofit, The Amish Heritage Foundation (www.AmishHeritage.org), to distribute this book and much-needed resources offline among us Amish.

You can order the print version of this book through your local bookstores by giving them the isbn 978-0-9894200-8-2 and asking them to order the book for you.

Each Chapter Can Be Read On Its Own

THIS book is formatted into twenty-six chapters, symbolically representing each of the letters of the English alphabet as an acknowledgment to the role that language played, and still plays, in my life. I didn’t learn how to speak, read, and write English until I was six years old. English opened up other worlds for me, lifting me out of intellectual and spiritual poverty as an Amish child. Amish was an oral-only language until I was around fifteen years old, at which point someone translated the Bible into the Pennsylvania dialect of Amish—which is very different from the Midwestern dialect that I speak. In practical terms, Amish is still only a spoken language.

Each chapter is designed to be read as a stand-alone piece. This is a collection of stories, not a conventional chronological work. So you can pick any chapter anywhere in the book, read it, and get something meaningful out of it. If you read the book from beginning to end in order, you’ll get a more in-depth and complex feel for my life story along a mostly chronological arc. But it’s not necessary to read it chronologically.

I’ve formatted the book this way so it’s friendly for busy people and anyone with ADHD. Also, I don’t write chronologically, or linearly; I write in circular time. Writing this way is very much an exercise in time travelling all over my memory universe.

Some of the chapters are darker and others lighter. Some chapters are shorter and others longer. Some are more polished and others rougher. I’ve also included some poetry and odds and ends.

I’ve paired each chapter with a list of music that helped me get through those events or that period of my life—or reflect musically what I felt during that time. Had it not been for music, I wouldn’t have survived until I finally got to therapy at age twenty-nine.

Show, Don’t Tell

THIS book is not an autobiography; it’s a memoir. According to my definition, the difference between the two is that a memoir is a story (or stories) from a life and an autobiography is an account of a life. Or put another way, a memoir does more showing and an autobiography does more telling.

Just what is that difference? What is showing versus telling anyway? Here’s how I understand it: Showing lets you, the reader, decide for yourself what you want to accept as truth. Telling doesn’t let you, the reader, decide for yourself what you want to accept as truth. Showing says, This is how I felt. Telling says, This is how it factually was.

I’ve written, or attempted to write, mostly in the style of creative nonfiction so that the book reads like fiction. Conveying the emotional truth of my experiences is the driving force in telling you my story. Those emotional truths are most effectively demonstrated by showing you what happened through writing scenes (a fiction technique), instead of telling you what happened through writing dry facts. I’ve tried to show as much as possible and limit the telling as much as possible.

I give huge thanks to Joni B. Cole—the writer’s writer extraordinaire—for bringing out the scared and traumatized writer in me, for her tireless encouragement and guidance, for teaching me methods that cut through the overwhelm, and for not letting me quit. This book wouldn’t exist without her. She’s been the best consultant, coach, mentor, teacher, author, and editor in the universe for me. All my sentences and paragraphs and sections that are crafted well owe their thanks to her and, of course, all the less-than-stellar content is due to my inability to come up with something better.

I also give big thanks to Michelle Witman-Blumenfeld—educational and learning disabilities consultant—for giving me the tools to manage my ADHD during my last year at Columbia, for teaching me how to break down my writing effectively, for giving her wisdom and advice and support unconditionally all the way back in the very beginning of this book over eight years ago, and for believing in me throughout all this time.

I finally now understand why writers thank their editors and coaches so profusely. It’s crucial to the success of a book to have good people supporting and encouraging one throughout the long, often despairing and lonely, journey, especially when reliving traumatic memories. I wanted to give up countless times, too many times to remember. During those times, I thought I wouldn’t be able to pick the pen back up and find my groove again.

Amish Words

SOME chapters have endnotes. Please read the notes for explanations about Amish words, terms, definitions, or concepts.

It should be noted that I don’t use the term ex-Amish. There are complex problems with that label. We need to come up with terminology that accurately represents those of us who are outside the Church. We need a term that’s useful, productive, and not cumbersome (for example, nonpracticing, nonconforming, and cultural Amish are better terms, but still pose certain problems). Ex-Amish implies that we’re no longer Amish, and that is false. A change of clothes doesn’t erase our Amish identity.

CHAPTER 1

Escape from the Amish: My Basic Story

WHEN I was eleven, I made the conscious decision to leave the Amish. I planned my escape for four years. I literally escaped in the middle of the night at age fifteen without telling a single person goodbye.

My Failed First Attempt (Amish House Arrest)

NINE months earlier, I’d been placed under Amish house arrest for a failed first attempt. My father Henry Bontrager considered me a flight risk and subjected me to severe physical and psychological interrogation techniques that included sleep deprivation, isolation from my friends, and confinement within controlled environments. You’re going to hell, he’d tell me over and over, while forcing me to stay awake for hours into the night listening to his rhetoric. (He decided it was okay for him to resign from the Amish Church about five years after my escape. But I will still go to hell because I disobeyed him by escaping, and because I don’t subscribe to his born-again, right-wing, fundamentalist Christianity.)

The night I left the second time, I didn’t know if I’d ever see any of my siblings, family, or community members again. My decision to escape was final. Returning to the Amish world was not an option. I left with only what I could carry: the clothes on my back, $170 and a small satchel.

Why I Wanted to Escape

FOR as long as I can remember, I’d envisioned a life that I later realized was not compatible with the Amish religion and lifestyle. But my efforts to escape were driven by an innate desire to be free and happy. As an Amish child, I was deprived of personal freedom and happiness.

I loved learning, and I cried when I couldn’t go back to school the fall after graduating from Amish eighth grade. I was thirteen years old and denied further academic learning, based on Amish Church rules and beliefs. I wanted to continue school so badly that I taught myself algebra out of the back of the eighth grade math books we had, so I’d be better prepared for when I escaped and entered high school. Amish aren’t taught algebra, because our education ends after eight years. For forever. We’d never use that useless x and y stuff. 

Years later when I was a student at Columbia, I discovered that those particular math books that had prepped me for a higher education were published by Columbia University Press. Not every Amish school uses those textbooks. The coincidence of that is interesting to me. I’d never heard of Columbia until I applied to attend when I was in my early twenties, but all along I’d been learning directly from Columbia via its math lessons.

In 1972, the Amish won a Supreme Court case, Wisconsin v. Yoder (www.law.cornell.edu/supremecourt/text/406/205), that allowed them to pull their children out of public schools on the grounds of religious freedom and put them into Amish-only schools taught by Amish teachers who themselves hadn’t gone to school beyond the Amish eighth grade. The curriculum administered by the Amish is rudimentary—reading, writing and arithmetic—and not current with modern events and advances. No science or sex education is allowed either. I didn’t know what H2O meant until my first year of high school post-escape.

I understood, at age eleven, that according to US law, I wasn’t considered an adult until I was eighteen and that, until then, the police could send me back to my parents or put me into a foster home. I didn’t want to wait until I was that old to go to high school, so for four years, I tried to come up with a way that I could leave earlier but not be forced back to my parents.

My Current Educational and Familial Status

IN 2007, at age twenty-six, I graduated from Columbia University with a BA in Philosophy and a focus on Tibetan Buddhism under the guidance of Professor Robert Thurman. To my knowledge, I’m the first first-generation Amish¹ person to graduate from an Ivy League school, not to mention having been a first-generation college student. This is a big deal, and I hope that whoever reads this book is inspired and pursues their dreams of going to college, too. We need well-educated Amish people, so please reach out to me for advice and help on how to navigate the higher educational system. You can do it the hard way or you can do it the smart way by learning from the few of us Amish who have earned our degrees.

I have a very colorful work history. I’m a born entrepreneur, with professional experience as a marketing consultant and diplomatic liaison.

I’m the oldest of eleven children. Three of my siblings were born after I escaped. My parents resigned from the Amish Church around five years after I did. However, that didn’t change anything and, in fact, things became progressively worse over the years to such an extent that the only way I could stop my father from harassing me was to get the police involved. My father has always ostracized me, and during the rare times I did visit my family (in order to see my siblings), he’d attempt to convert me to his religion, get me to come back and resume his psychological torture methods (for example, religious brainwashing, gaslighting, manipulation, and preying upon my vulnerabilities). My mother, Ida Bontrager, faithfully defends her abusive, criminal husband.

As of today, I have zero contact with my birth parents and siblings. They’ve all turned against me. None of them believe—or they deny it—that our nonpracticing Amish paternal uncles raped me, despite the fact that my oldest brother Al (Alvin) originally supported me when I told him what happened. At some point, for reasons unknown to me, Al decided that I’m a liar. One of my youngest brothers, Lewis, told me that I’m a shame and disgrace to the family for having been raped, and to fuck off. My sister Rachel Coblentz demands that one of my friends (who’s also nonpracticing Amish)