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    The Best American Emails: Re: A Collection of the Finest Accidental Reply Alls, Pharma Spams, and Anonymous Death Threats
    The Best American Emails: Re: A Collection of the Finest Accidental Reply Alls, Pharma Spams, and Anonymous Death Threats
    The Best American Emails: Re: A Collection of the Finest Accidental Reply Alls, Pharma Spams, and Anonymous Death Threats
    Ebook111 pages53 minutes

    The Best American Emails: Re: A Collection of the Finest Accidental Reply Alls, Pharma Spams, and Anonymous Death Threats

    By Amanda Meadows

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    About this ebook

    A collection of the greatest writing in the American literary canon: email correspondences. From the eerie chain letters forwarded from your aunt to the slyly persuasive emails of Russian black market pharmacists, we scoured inboxes far and wide for this satire of literary collections and flagged a new selection of timeless gems. The Best American Emails identifies the most poignant and challenging sweaty job queries, awkward breakups, impotent death threats, and more. This collection is edited by author and renowned email receiver Amanda Meadows.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherDevastator Press
    Release dateJun 16, 2017
    ISBN9781942099314
    The Best American Emails: Re: A Collection of the Finest Accidental Reply Alls, Pharma Spams, and Anonymous Death Threats

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      Book preview

      The Best American Emails - Amanda Meadows

      email

      Foreword

      Like many of you, I’ve spent over 20 years reading and writing emails. But unlike you, I am a famous author and critic of the written word, so my opinion means so much more than yours. I’ve sent emails to family, to strangers online, to colleagues at work, to the longtime subscribers of my newsletter on healthy and sustainable living.

      When I go to the occasional literary function, I am enraged to find that the majority of my peers – these so-called people of letters – ignore the quotidian poignancy of the email! Seriously, what’s up with that?

      While there are billions of emails in cyberspace, the literary email circle is quite small. When I ran into dear friend and colleague, George Meyershaw, at the Em@ily Awards ceremony, he showed me his humblest work yet: an out-of touch complaint email to a local cable company. He asked, Does this capture the cultural cluelessness of the Baby Boomer white male, while betraying a whiff of his fearful devotion to the capitalist framework? My answer was, of course, yes and yes. It was included in this very volume.

      Join me in a celebration of these tiny triumphs of human frailty and pettiness, of delusion and desperation. The inbox, she is deep. There are much further depths to plumb, and more attachments to scan for viruses.

      Best in eCommerce

      The internet sales world is built on emails: Newsletters, order confirmations, shipping confirmations, delivery confirmations, return confirmations, receipt of return confirmations, customer service complaint confirmations, customer service response notifications, public shaming of company’s customer service response on social media, Medium.com think piece on the customer service scandal, backlash on customer inciting customer service scandal, customer changing name and moving to Canada to start a new life using a Zappos.ca account. The cycle is sacred.

      [DealTime] Our Mom’s Imaginary Cat Friend Likes These Deals

      To: waytogotommy@mac.com

      From: dealtimedeals@dealtime.deals

      Subject: [DealTime] Our Mom’s Imaginary Cat Friend Likes These Deals

      WOW! DEALTIME Y’ALL!

      THESE DEALS ARE FOR...

      L33T H4X0Rs ONLY!

      6% off Thai Appetizers from 3pm-5pm

      $60 for $45 worth of atomic buffalo wings at Wings4Mouth

      Buy 2 get 50% free at OnlyToddlerSocks (not good for infant sizes)

      FREE 4-minute couples massage at Thai Me Up, Thai Me Down Spa. Excludes oils.

      40% off spin classes for dogs at City BarkBikes!

      $12 off scalp removal at LUXE LaserBangs

      FREE shipping on your next merkin from OvernightMerkins.com

      2% off unlimited dumpster dibs membership at Freegan Grocery Warehouse

      Follow us for more deals on Peach!

      Deals only available between 1pm-4pm on 2/23. Redeem deals with the DealTime app, but only if downloaded to every device in household. No deals are valid.

      Forward this to your 10 cheapest and least discriminatory acquaintances

      Unsubscribe

      Alert! You Left Something in Your Cart 3 Years Ago

      To: darryljenkins@hotmail.com

      From: ggecustomerservice@gge.com

      Subject: Alert! You Left Something in Your Cart 3 Years Ago

      Hey [Darryl],

      Uh oh! Looks like you left this in your cart:

      Description: Tommy Hilfiger Holder duffel bag

      Color: appropriate

      Size: big

      Material: yes

      Speaking of your shopping cart, we have a new website! Have you seen the slicker side of General Goods Emporium?

      Click here to take a tour of our new crib! That’s still cool, right? Cribs?

      Things are bad here, man. Bad! You don’t even know what I’ve seen. Each day, we wake up and pray that you’ll come back to your cart. Will you, please?

      We’ll be honest. If you don’t come back and buy this duffel bag, we’re going to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Do you really want that on your hands? Think about this.

      Help us out. Come on. You’re not a monster, right?

      Oh god. I’m getting fired. Fuck. This happened to me at Groupon,

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