Happy Though Married

HAPPY

THOUGH

MARRIED

About the Author

Mutea Rukwaru was born on December 24 1957 at Kaaga Village in Meru District. He had his early education at Mwithumwiru Primary School before proceeding to Meru School for his secondary and high school education. Mutea Rukwaru proceeded to the University of Nairobi where he graduated in 1984 with B.A (Sociology), Upper Second Class Honours.

He has worked in the Directorate of Personnel Management (Office of the President) as a lecturer at Government Training Institute Maseno (now Maseno University) and Government Training Institute Embu where he taught on Research Methods, Statistics, Criminology, Family and Child Welfare Management.

He has been in the Ministry of Gender, Sports, Culture and Social Services where he has served as a Director of Social Services in North Eastern province, Central Province and currently in Nairobi Province. He has been involved in extensive community work and has done extensive consultancy work for a number of organizations.

He is a family counsellor and is the Vice Chairman of Kenya National Association for Social Workers as well as the Representative of the Association of Schools of Social Work in Africa (ASSWA) in the United Nations.

He is married to Stella Mpinda and they are blessed with three children – JohnMark Mutuma, Annrose Karimi and Michael Muthuri.

Other Books by the author

In order of years of Publication:

1. Happy though married (2003)

2. The Tie that Binds (2005)

3. Successful time management the challenge of the modern

manager (2006a)

4. What happy couples know (2006b)

5. Fundamentals of social research (2007)

6. Milestones of life (2007a)

7. How to be a better counsellor (2007b)

8. Anatomy of crime (2008)

9. The Winning Family (2008a)

Published by Eureka Publishers

First published in 2003 P.O.BOX 1414

MERU

© Mutea Rukwaru 2003

1st reprint 2008

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photo copying, recording or otherwise without prior permission of the copyright owner and the publisher.

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Contact

Email:Mutearukwaru2003@yahoo.com

Cell Phone: (+254) 0722 787099

ISBN 9966-9802-0-2

TABLE OF CONTENTS

PREFACE

ACKNOWLEGEMENT

DEDICATION

INTRODUCTION TO MARRIAGE

TYPES OF MARRIAGES

MARRIAGE AND SINGLEHOOD

SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION

SEXUAL PERVERSION AND DEVIATION

ADULTERY

MIDDLE LIFE CRISIS

ALCOHOLISM AND DRUGS

FAMILY PLANNING

FAMILY BUDGETING

TIME MANAGEMENT

EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION WITHIN THE FAMILY

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE OF COUPLES

SEXUALLY TRANSIMITTED DISEASES AND THEIR

EFFECT ON THE FAMILY

PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES AMONG COUPLES

PREMENSTRUAL SYNDROME (PMS) ANDMENOPAUSE

CHILD REARING

RETIREMENT

REFERENCES

PREFACE

The author, MUTEA RUKWARU, has carried out in depth research into marriage and family issues. His exposition of these issues leaves no doubt in the minds of the readers that the writer has patiently outlined central concern that impinge upon family stability.

He reckons that family matters are delicate and should be handled with meticulous attention lest families find themselves on the rocks thereby spelling doom to society which has generally compromised social norms upon which social cohesion is based and equally to blame.

The author vividly examines the measures that could, if taken, reduce the tension, the misunderstanding and acrimony that exist in many families. The realization that family issues can have devastating effects if not carefully handled is in itself a weapon that could go a long way to change people’s attitude toward married life.

The author laments moral decadence in our society and advocates a reassessment of our outlook to social life and a determined effort to change the status quo. As a society we all have a role to play. It is only by taking the bull by the horns and realistically addressing issues that we can come out of the mess that we have plunged into.

I recommend this book for teachers at all levels, religious leaders, counsellors, medical personnel, social workers, the youth and all that care about social stability.

J.G.MARIENE

LECTURER, KENYA METHODIST UNIVERSITY

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

I am grateful to Douglas Kinyua Nkanatha, Silas Kibiti and Mrs. Maria Mutiga who challenged me to come up with something that could help pathological families. Happy Though Married is an answer to this challenge.

I am indebted to my students both at Government Training Institute, Maseno, and Government Training Institute, Embu. Special mention goes to Basic Social Development course No.11, 12 and 13, Diploma in social Work course No.18, 19, 20, 21, and 23, Probation Officers Course No. 12 and the Kenya Registered Community Health Course of 1992. Their generous contribution during discussions after lectures greatly shaped this work. I am thankful to the director of PLAN INTERNATIONAL EMBU, for giving me an opportunity to work as a consultant Sociologist for a survey the organization was undertaking in Embu Municipality during the year 1991. The experience I got during this time gave me an in depth view of challenges facing urban families and especially the slum dwellers.

I am also grateful to my beloved wife, Stella Mutea, who has given me such a serene atmosphere for the nine years I have been collecting materials for this book. The joy of the outcome of this book is to share equally between me and her.

Thanks go to Mrs. Florence Ruth Bonareri Oeri. She has been an inspiration, encouragement and a role model to me. She has always given me assurance that there is no feat that cannot be achieved if only one is confident. I am also grateful to the late Catherine Wanjiru Kinyua who typed the first draft of this work with determination despite her tight schedules. If it were not for her vigilance, many mistakes, omissions and ambiguities would have gone into the final work unnoticed. May God rest her soul in eternal bliss.

There are many others who have contributed greatly in terms of ideas but for some reason they would not like their names to be disclosed. To you all I say thank you.

M.R.

(2003)

DEDICATION

I dedicate this book to my late uncle, Douglas M’Muketha who went to glory in 1971. he was such an advocate of much learning. He used to assure me even at my tender age, that I would go up to the pinnacle of education. Death did not give him a chance to see his prophecy fulfilled thirteen years later.

INTRODUCTION TO MARRIAGE

The report of the Royal Commission on Marriage and Divorce 1955, in Britain defines marriage as a Voluntary Union for life of one man and one woman to the exclusion of all others. The relationship is strictly monogamous, voluntary and permanent. That is Till death do we part. The Kenya Law on Marriage and Divorce adopts this definition. The Kenyan Laws on marriage and divorce but focusing on Christian marriage recognizes that marriage should only be dissolved by death, unless other militating factors come into play.

New Universal Library dictionary (1968) defines marriage as a formal and socially approved union of one man and one woman, and it should be distinguished from casual sexual relations.

Westermack’s definition seems to be quite exhaustive. He defines marriage as a relation of one man with one woman, or one man with many women or many women with one man. Westermack Postulates that this relationship should be recognized by custom or law and this relationship involves certain rights and duties both in the parties entering the union and in the case of children born of it. Westermack’s definition depicts marriage as unquestionable social and clearly distinguishable from biological mating. Thus, casual sexual relationships are excluded.

Westermack’s definition is very important especially in contemporary Kenya. If a man and a woman have been living together and they have children and at one time the man runs away or he says the paternity of those children is questionable, there should be concern for those children. Hence the aspect of social recognition is paramount. So even if the relationship does not fit well either within customary laws or the general laws of the land, it is an issue that requires serious thought, more so considering the aspect of social change.

Society is dynamic and this dynamism may be due to changes which may come from within or without. These changes may necessitate redefinition of social situations and social realities. So the society has to be on guard over these changes, so that it is at a position to re-examine the concept of

marriage. This is necessary because with the current knowledge base our definition is up to-date and not redundant or out-dated for that matter.

TYPES OF MARRIAGES

Monogamy

Monogamy is defined as the union of one man and one woman to the exclusion of all others, till death do you part. The union is taken to be voluntary and permanent. This type of marriage is based on the ecclesiastical teaching.

The practice of monogamy has in many instances turned many members or our society into hypocrites. Some men may be holding positions in their respective Churches but still have other wives spread in different parts of the country or in different estates within the city.

Monogamy is an important concept which got great emphasis with the coming of the Europeans, and more specifically, the missionaries. The Africans could not reconcile their world view with that of the Europeans. Many a time the Africans who got converted to the new religion (Christianity) were confronted with ugly realities. For instance, how could the problem of infertility be tackled without an option of polygamy?

Even today the problem still exists among Christians. If the couple is experiencing infertility or they are getting only one sex they will find themselves in a dilemma. They are caught up between the love of the Church and the love for children. It becomes a very difficult situation to live with. Even if couples adopt children our members of society consider adoption tantamount to buying children. So even after adoption there will still be whispers, so one is caught up between the devil and the deep blue sea.

Polygyny (Polygamy)

Polygyny is the practice of one man marrying many women. This type of union is common in Africa and Asia. Polygyny played a very important part in Africa Societies. In case of barren hood, marriage could still continue because divorce was not necessary in order to remarry. Among the agricultural communities an extra wife was a relief. This is because they provided the much needed labor especially during peak periods. Wives also served as articles of conspicuous consumption. They were treated like articles which are basically valued for their ornamental value. So the women were to be displayed at the social arena by their husbands. The wives played the role of status symbols like televisions, car, mobile telephones and other articles of ostentation. The fact that you could afford to marry many women was a sign that you were not a man of little means. So at the social ladder you deserve a place at the top of social hierarchy.

However, with the challenges of modern economy, a change in the lifestyles and the aspect of individualism polygamy has lost its former glory.

Polyandry

This is the name given to a union in which several men are legally bound to one woman. Polyandry is the rarest of the marriage varieties and unfortunately one which we have little information about. Areas which it has been found to exist are the highlands of Southern India, Central Asia, Bahima of Africa and some Eskimos.

In Tibet and the adjacent countries, there exists polyandry of the fraternal type that is several brothers share a wife in common. All the husbands live together with their common wife as members of the same household and cohabit successively with her.

Children born of these marriages are sometimes regarded as legal descendants of the eldest brother. In other cases it appears that when a child is born it is attributed to him by whoever the mother asserts that she has conceived it.

In reference to polyandry it is important to note that the element of social approval or legal recognition is pertinent. Mere sexual orgy should not be mistaken for polyandry. This is the trap Jomo Kenyatta got into