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    The Shoplifters
    The Shoplifters
    The Shoplifters
    Ebook152 pages48 minutes

    The Shoplifters

    By Morris Panych

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    About this ebook

    Edgerton Foundation New Play Award: Morris Panych, The Shoplifters (Winner)

    In this riotously funny new comedy from Morris Panych, we meet Alma, a seasoned career shoplifter who prefers the five-finger discount over some lousy seniors’ day deal. But it’s not just an empty wallet that leads Alma to a life of petty crime – it’s also her strong convictions about social justice and economic inequality.

    Along for the ride is Phyllis, Alma’s frazzled accomplice who lacks her mentor’s cool demeanour and snappy comebacks. It’s Alma who does the talking when the pair is apprehended at the grocery store by Dom, an overzealous rookie security guard. Guided by the strictness of his born-again Christian belief, Dom is ready to handcuff the culprits and call the police, but his affable senior partner, Otto, intervenes with a more sympathetic view of the crime: “It’s just a couple a steaks.” As Alma, Phyllis, Dom, and Otto share their wildly different takes on the situation, complex views on morality and ethics begin to emerge.

    With its cast of oddball characters, Panych’s comedy offers biting observations about society’s haves and have-nots and how much they might actually have in common.

    Cast of 2 women and 2 men.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherTalonbooks
    Release dateApr 14, 2015
    ISBN9780889229273
    The Shoplifters
    Author

    Morris Panych

    Originally from Calgary, Alberta, Morris Panych is arguably Canada’s most celebrated playwright and director. His plays have garnered countless awards, including two Governor General’s Literary Awards for Drama (for The Ends of the Earth and Girl in the Goldfish Bowl), fourteen Jessie Richardson Awards (Vancouver), and five Dora Mavor Moore Awards (Toronto). His plays have been produced in over two dozen languages and across the globe. Mr. Panych has directed over ninety productions across Canada and the US. He was nominated for a Canadian Screen Award in 2021 for his CBC Gem webseries Hey Lady! He has appeared in over fifty theatre productions and in numerous television and film roles. He has directed more than ninety theatre productions and written over a dozen plays that have been translated and produced throughout the world. The 2009 Off-Broadway production of his play Vigil opened to rave reviews. Under the title Auntie & Me, Vigil was also produced in London in 2003–04; and in French at Théâtre La Bruyère in Paris in 2005; and his classic 7 Stories ranks 9th among the ten best selling plays in Canada, outselling the Coles version of Romeo & Juliet. For more information on the work and career of Morris Panych, visit his website.

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      Book preview

      The Shoplifters - Morris Panych

      Act One

      Scene One

      Lights up on the stockroom of a large supermarket. The walls of this airless enclosure are piled dizzyingly high with cartons and crates of various sizes. A metal door with a small window separates the room from the noisy outside world of the store. A bare light bulb hangs over a long table. Seated at one end of the table is ALMA, a tough piece of work in her sixties, very canny and alert. At the other end stands DOM, a boyish, slightly awkward security guard in his early twenties, wearing an ill-fitting uniform. He has one leg propped up on a chair as he stares down his captive. In DOM’s holster is a walkie-talkie that he speaks into occasionally, but what we hear back is indecipherable static. In the centre of the table are two large steaks, wrapped in butcher paper, as well as a pen and a blank piece of paper.

      DOM

      Okay, let’s try this again.

      Beat.

      Name?

      ALMA

      I’ll talk to the other guy.

      DOM

      You’ll talk to me.

      ALMA

      Where’s the other guy?

      DOM

      Your full name, please.

      ALMA

      When did you start here?

      Beat.

      Yesterday? Today?

      He sits, picks up the pen.

      ALMA

      I’ll wait.

      He clicks the pen repeatedly.

      ALMA

      Extra security – what for, I’m asking myself.

      DOM

      Because I’m replacing him; any more questions?

      ALMA

      You?

      Walkie-talkie static. DOM leaps to his feet to answer.

      DOM

      Ten-four.

      More static.

      I thought it was ten-four.

      Walkie-talkie.

      No, not yet.

      Walkie-talkie.

      Okay. Over and out.

      Walkie-talkie.

      So what do I say?

      Walkie-talkie.

      Can I say over?

      Walkie-talkie.

      So, how do we know when it’s over?

      Walkie-talkie goes dead.

      Hello?

      He puts down the walkie-talkie, sits again.

      ALMA

      So, what, they’re retiring him?

      DOM

      Who?

      ALMA

      Great, I’m dealing with amateurs now, upstarts.

      DOM

      You’re the amateur, lady.

      ALMA

      Don’t lady me.

      DOM

      Don’t amateur me. I’ve taken the Security Guard and Private Investigator multiple-choice exam. Twice.

      ALMA

      But what’s your on-the-job experience? This is what everybody’s wondering.

      DOM

      I have twenty-ten vision in this eye.

      ALMA

      I’m not talking to some rookie.

      DOM

      Duly recorded. (writing) Will not talk.

      ALMA

      What about the other eye? Is that in working order?

      DOM

      It can spot a thief.

      ALMA

      Are you familiar at all with the myth of Prometheus?

      DOM

      Are you familiar with the law?

      ALMA

      He stole fire from the gods. You suppose that was such a bad move?

      DOM

      There is only one God and you didn’t steal any fire from him; you took a sixteen-ounce rib steak and stuck it under your dress.

      ALMA

      Why would I put meat under my dress? There’s enough bacteria down there.

      DOM

      I can’t believe you just said that.

      ALMA

      You’re not ready for the big leagues, mister. You can’t even keep your acne under surveillance.

      DOM

      You want to play this game? I can play this game. I can go all the way, lady.

      ALMA

      Sit down! This is not how it’s done. You haven’t even got my name out of me and you practically already burst a blood vessel.

      DOM

      We got a first name.

      ALMA

      Is it my real first name?

      DOM

      You tell me.

      ALMA

      I told you, I’m not telling you anything.

      DOM

      So what’s your name?

      ALMA

      Try a different approach, why don’t you. Relax me into the situation. Relax me. You got a cigarette?

      DOM

      No.

      ALMA

      That’s too bad, a cigarette is really the way to go.

      DOM

      That is not a valid or a safe request.

      During the following speech, ALMA pulls a new box of tissues out of her purse, tears it open, removes a tissue, coughs into it, and then wipes her mouth.

      ALMA

      Oh, you’re going to play by the rules. You might want to check the rule about properly identifying yourself when you apprehend somebody, especially an innocent customer.

      Beat. DOM clicks the pen repeatedly.

      ALMA

      And don’t click your pen. It only makes you seem impatient.

      DOM

      Maybe I am.

      ALMA

      Don’t be, it’s a process.

      He stops.

      ALMA

      You think this is just about a lady stealing a steak? I can turn this whole thing inside out in two minutes.

      DOM

      So you did steal it?

      ALMA

      Steal what?

      DOM

      You said, just now, you said, Do you think this is just about a lady stealing a steak. I’m gonna write that down.

      He starts to write.

      ALMA

      It’s

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