Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain
By Rona B Subotnik and Gloria Harris
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About this ebook
Nothing your marriage has sustained in the past compares to the pain of discovering that your spouse has been unfaithful. The betrayal, rage, sadness, and jealousy is unlike anything you've experienced before. And yet it is possible to move forward, decide what to do in your marriage, and most important, heal.
For more than 10 years, Surviving Infidelity has been offering sage advice and compassionate, nonjudgmental analysis. Based on the private practices of licensed marriage and family therapist Rona B. Subotnik and clinical psychologist Gloria G. Harris, Ph.D., this third edition has been completely updated and gives you strategies to:
- Understand the different kinds of affairs and why they happen, including Internet and emotional affairs
- Cope with your emotions, from grief to rage
- Repair the marriage if you choose to
- Learn what it takes to be a survivor
Surviving Infidelity, 3rd Edition brings you the new hope and the empathy you need in this difficult time.
Rona B Subotnik
An Adams Media author.
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Surviving Infidelity - Rona B Subotnik
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Surviving
Infidelity
3RD EDITION
img1Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain
Rona B. Subotnik, L.M.F.T.
and
Gloria G. Harris, Ph.D.
9781593374808_0002_002Adams Media
Avon, Massachusetts
Copyright ©2005 Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris
All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be
reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher;
exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.
Second edition ©1999 Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris
First edition ©1994 Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris
Published by
Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com
ISBN 13: 978-1-59337-480-8
ISBN 10: 1-59337-480-1
eISBN: 978-1-44052-095-2
Printed in the United States of America.
J I H G F
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Subotnik, Rona B.
Surviving infidelity / Rona B. Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris.—3rd ed.
p. cm.
ISBN 1-59337-480-1
1. Adultery. 2. Marriage. I. Harris, Gloria G. II. Title.
HQ806.S89 2005
306.73’6—dc22
2004030876
This publication is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information with regard to the subject matter covered. It is sold with the understanding that the publisher is not engaged in rendering legal, accounting, or other professional advice. If legal advice or other expert assistance is required, the services of a competent professional person should be sought.
—From a Declaration of Principles jointly adopted by a Committee of the
American Bar Association and a Committee of Publishers and Associations
This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.
For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.
9781593374808_0016_001To my husband, Norman, whose support
and encouragement make dreams possible.
—R.B.S.
To my husband, Jay, for his love and devotion.
—G.G.H.
9781593374808_0016_002CONTENTS
9781593374808_0004_001PREFACE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Part One: Understanding Infidelity
CHAPTER 1: ALL AFFAIRS ARE NOT THE SAME
Types of Affairs
Affairs
Serial Affairs
Flings
Romantic Love Affairs
Long-Term Affairs
CHAPTER 2: AFFAIRS WITHOUT TOUCHING:
ARE THEY CHEATING?
Emotional Affairs
You Don’t Have to Have Sex to Cheat
Emotional Affairs with Coworkers
Emotional Affairs with Friends and Neighbors
Danger Zone
Internet Affairs
The Mysterious Properties of the Internet
Is This Really an Affair?
Types of Affairs
Emotional and Cyber Affairs
CHAPTER 3: WHY AFFAIRS HAPPEN
Transitional Anxiety
Unfulfilled Expectations
Unrealistic Ideas about Love and Marriage
Need for Attention
Boredom
The Unavailable Spouse
Lack of Sexual Desire
Poor-Risk Partners
An Affair with a Purpose
The Family Affair
The Homosexual Affair
The Exit Affair
CHAPTER 4: DECEPTION AND DISCOVERY
Deception
Types of Lies
Cyberlies
Secrets
Gender Differences
Discovery
Revealing an Affair
Should You Reveal Your Own Affair?
Past Affairs
Recent Affairs
Clues
Confrontation
A Volcano of Pain
The Impact
Part Two: Coping and Healing
CHAPTER 5: COPING WITH THE PAIN
Grief and Loss
Stage 1: Denial
Stage 2: Anger
Stage 3: Bargaining
Stage 4: Depression
Stage 5: Acceptance
Expressing Sad Feelings
Obsessing
You Feel What You Think
The ABCs of Emotion
Challenge Your Negative Thoughts
Themes of Negative Thoughts
Thinking Distortions
The Daily Thought Record
CHAPTER 6: HANDLING THE RAGE AND JEALOUSY
Women’s Anger
Men’s Anger
Understanding Anger
Myth 1: Depression Is Always Anger Turned Inward
Myth 2: Talking Out Anger Gets Rid of It
Myth 3: It Helps to Blow Off Steam
Calming Yourself
Deep Breathing
Meditation
Visualization
Just Because
Changing Your Self-Talk
Calm Self-Talk
Strategic Self-Talk
Self-Reward Talk
Thinking Distortions That Fuel Anger
Labeling
Mind Reading
Magnification
Should Statements
Overcoming Your Internal Barriers
Expressing Your Anger Constructively
Experiencing Jealousy
Male/Female Differences
The Continuum
Managing Jealousy
Part Three: Dealing with the Marital Crisis
CHAPTER 7: DECISIONS
Is Your Spouse Willing to Stop the Affair?
Can You and Your Spouse Work Through the Reasons?
What Is the Significance of the Affair to Your Spouse?
How Will Your Decision Affect Your Quality of Life?
How Does Your Life Stage Affect Your Decision?
Are Your Fears Keeping You in the Marriage?
Can the Love in Your Marriage Be Strengthened?
What about the Impact of Your Decision on Your Children?
What about AIDS and Other Sexually Transmitted Diseases?
Should We Separate?
How Do You Put These Factors Together?
CHAPTER 8: REPAIRING THE RELATIONSHIP
Clearing the Emotional Air
Apologizing
Reparations
Forgiveness
Who Is to Blame?
Gender Differences
From Blaming to Understanding
Strengthening the Relationship
Reminiscing
Discussing Your Backgrounds
Rebuilding Trust
Changing Your Defeatist Beliefs
Communicating Honestly
Talk Time
Communication Skills
Addressing Sexual Problems
Rituals
CHAPTER 9: THE POST-AFFAIR MARRIAGE
Recommitment
Expectations
Resolving Differences
Negotiating Compromises
Improving Communication
Revitalizing Your Sexual Relationship
Communicate Your Needs
Enhancing Sexual Enjoyment
Relating Out of Bed
Relating Emotionally
Relating Intellectually
Relating Socially
Have Fun Together
Include Spontaneity
Loving Again
List Your Partner’s Positive Qualities
Love Days
Part Four: Surviving
CHAPTER 10: A NEW BEGINNING
Recovery from Divorce
The Triple S Cluster
Taking Care of Yourself
Social Support
New Traditions
Loneliness
Emotional Detachment
Children
Moving Forward
CHAPTER 11: INCREASING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM
Self-Esteem and Infidelity
Enhancing Self-Esteem
Developing Self-Esteem
Challenging Childhood Messages
Society’s Messages
Thinking Distortions
Self-Esteem and Assertiveness
Taking Care of Yourself
Self-Esteem and Family Interactions
Self-Esteem Building Exercises
CHAPTER 12: WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A SURVIVOR
Belief in Your Own Resourcefulness
Ability to Withstand Uncomfortable Feelings
Belief in Something Greater Than Yourself
Ability to See the Complexity of Events
Ability to View Events in a Time Frame
Ability to Formulate a Plan
Ability to Ask for Help and Support
Ability to Let Go of Resentment
Ability to Recognize the Power of Thoughts for Healing
Ability to Find Meaning in the Experience
APPENDIXES
Love and Infidelity Quiz
References
About the Authors
PREFACE
9781593374808_0010_001Surviving Infidelity is a book for women and men whose lives have been disrupted by infidelity. We have written this book to help our readers cope with extramarital involvement, to learn more about its dynamics, and to understand the accompanying web of feelings, thoughts, and actions. For thousands of years and continuing to the present, the marriage contracts of Judeo-Christian cultures have prohibited extramarital sex. Whether two people commit to each other through marital vows or by solemn promises, sex with another person causes emotional pain to the betrayed and harms the relationship.
Because infidelity can be devastating to marriage, it is important to resolve the crisis and rebuild the relationship whenever possible. The first choice for accomplishing this is to work with a therapist. However, for many couples, this is not always an option, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes finances or embarrassment may prevent them from finding help. Often the unfaithful partner does not want to come for counseling. This book has been written to help those individuals who may be trying to work out their problems without professional help.
Much of what we discuss in Surviving Infidelity has been drawn from our combined clinical experience as psychotherapists as well as from pertinent research by our colleagues. In the safety of the therapy session, we have heard about pain and seen the disruption to families caused by infidelity. Because extramarital sex still plays a role in the dissolution of many marriages, and because the divorce rate continues to be high, it is important to know more about it.
In most cases our goal is to keep the marriage together. We view infidelity from a family perspective that takes into account the complexity of each person’s past and current history as well as the social context. Our hope is to help you heal the wounds of infidelity and to strengthen the relationship.
Rona B. Subotnik is a marriage and family therapist. Gloria Harris is a clinical psychologist. Together we have witnessed the impact of infidelity on the lives of hundreds of women and men whom we have counseled, both individually and in groups. When cases have been used, we have disguised the identities of our clients.
Let us begin with some definitions. Adultery can be either a legal or religious term defined as sexual relations with someone other than one’s spouse. Infidelity literally means unfaithfulness or disloyalty. It is the breaking of a promise or vow. An affair is defined as an illicit amorous relationship or liaison. We all have heard expressions like messing around, fooling around, wandering, straying, and a little on the side. Because they are used lightly, these expressions tend to minimize or ignore the seriousness of the infidelity and camouflage the emotional pain it causes.
Cheating, another commonly used term, is defined as depriving someone of something expected. Because the spouse is unaware of the infidelity, the couple is deprived of sharing experiences and building memories together. This creates a relationship based on deceit and dishonesty.
The first part of this book is called Understanding Infidelity.
In it we explore the various types of affairs and the reasons why they are likely to happen. It is important for you to know that not all affairs are the same. We have presented four basic types of affairs, which fall along a continuum according to the offending spouse’s degree of emotional investment in the third party. Understanding what type of extramarital involvement is involved will tell you how serious it is. Knowing the reasons why affairs occur will give you information about causes and help you resolve the crisis in your marriage. Unfaithful spouses lie about affairs for a variety of reasons. You will also find material on the impact on your marriage of revealing the truth.
The second part of the book, Coping and Healing,
provides you with some important skills for dealing with the blow. We present a cognitive approach based on the principle that by changing the way you interpret and view your situation, you can influence the way you feel, make wiser decisions, and act more productively. Over the past decades, cognitive therapy has become one of the fastest-growing and most effective approaches to treating human problems. In this part of the book we will aid you in your grief work and present ways to cope with your pain, rage, and jealousy.
In the third part of the book, Resolving the Marital Crisis,
we help you and your partner repair your relationship and aid you in letting go of hurt and resentment. We try to make it possible for you eventually to put your spouse’s infidelity behind you and develop a stronger relationship.
There are also other alternatives. In some marriages the betrayed partner will choose to tolerate the infidelity. For others, separation or divorce will be selected as the most desirable option. We will present factors for you to consider as you make your decision either to continue or to end your marriage.
If the decision is to stay, we assist you in strengthening and revitalizing the post-affair marriage. Included are the ingredients of a successful marriage based on rebuilding trust, improving communication, and forgiving your spouse.
In the last part of the book, Surviving,
we teach coping skills and strategies. For those whose marriage is ending by choice of either spouse, we will present our ideas for dealing effectively with your new status and accompanying concerns. We present strategies for handling loneliness, making a new beginning, and developing more rewarding relationships. Because infidelity significantly affects your self-esteem, we have included a chapter discussing its roots. This chapter contains exercises designed to enhance the way you feel about yourself.
In this third edition of Surviving Infidelity, you will find a new chapter on affairs without touching.
There are two affairs in this category, emotional infidelity and Internet affairs. Since the number of women in the workforce has reached a new high, we recognize that the intimacy men and women develop working together can easily develop into an emotional affairs. This emotional intimacy itself can threaten the marriage and could easily lead to a sexual affair. We describe an emotional affair and present information to raise your awareness. Because the use of the computer has added a new dimension to infidelity, we have discussed the nuances of affairs online, the power of the Internet to foster infidelity and the impact of this on marriages and committed relationships. Many other parts have been expanded and updated such as sections on AIDS, forgiveness, and reasons for affairs. Every part of the book has been reviewed and updated where we felt it necessary.
The book ends with the chapter entitled, What It Takes to Be a Survivor,
which is intended to empower and inspire you. Whatever your decision, surviving infidelity ultimately involves facing new challenges.
It is customary to wish people good luck when embarking on a journey. We wish you good luck and good skill in turning a crisis in marriage into an opportunity for growth.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
9781593374808_0014_001We wish to thank Norman Subotnik for his invaluable help, suggestions, and support. Our appreciation goes to the many members of the Subotnik and Harris families for reading the text and sharing their impressions with us. We especially appreciate the support in the Subotnik clan of Norman, Debra and Matthew, Kenneth and Stephanie, Adrienne and Todd; and in the Harris family, of Jay, Cameron, and Merrill. Thanks to our friend Fran Zimmerman who read the manuscript for the First Edition and for the helpful suggestions she made.
Our very special thanks to our editors, Brandon Toropov for the First Edition and Edward Walters for the Second Edition. Special thanks to our new editor Kate Epstein for appreciating the importance of this book in helping individuals survive the crisis of infidelity and become even stronger from it. We thank her for her help in this Third Edition of Surviving Infidelity.
We would like to thank the design team from Adams Media whose creative talents are apparent from cover to cover.
We would like to thank our agent, Julie Castiglia, for her support and guidance in making this Third Edition a reality for us and for our readers.
Rona Subotnik wishes to thank the wonderful women in Rockville, Maryland, who make up the heart and soul of A Woman’s Place (now known as the Commission for Women Counseling and Career Center), and the Montgomery County Government Commission for Women, for their support and encouragement when she was a staff counselor, for the amazing way that relationship has continued over a distance of three thousand miles since she moved to California, and for the efforts they make every day to improve the lives of the women of Montgomery County.
It was there that she first began to hear stories of infidelity from the brave women coping with its aftermath. Special thanks also to Wendy Plotkin-Mates who with Rona Subotnik led support and counseling groups for seven years, often as many as four a week. One of these groups was called Surviving Infidelity.
While writing this book, Rona has frequently thought of Shirley Glass, her friend and colleague for over thirty years. Shirley died in October, 2003, after a brave battle with breast cancer. Through her research and clinical experience, she added much to our knowledge of infidelity. She was always helpful and encouraging in our work in this field. Although she is always in our hearts, we wish she were still just a phone call away.
A final note of acknowledgment and appreciation goes to the women and men who have shared their stories with us throughout the years and whose courage inspired us to write this book.
—Rona B. Subotnik & Gloria G. Harris
Part One
UNDERSTANDING INFIDELITY
Chapter 1
ALL AFFAIRS ARE NOT THE SAME
9781593374808_0020_001"Frankie and Johnny were lovers,
my God how they could love.
Swore to be true to each other,
just as true as the stars above.
He was her man, but he done her wrong."
— Frankie and Johnny,
traditional
I remember this enormous commotion in my neighborhood when I was a little girl,
Janet reminisced in our support group. "I was playing paper dolls with Carolyn Ryan when her father ran outside yelling. Carolyn started to cry. We were both very scared. None of the adults would tell us what was happening, but later the older kids said Mr. Ryan came home early and found his wife in bed with another man.
It was quite a neighborhood scandal,
Janet continued. Nobody on our block had ever done such a thing. I know, that was forty-five years ago, but still, why is there such a change? Four spouses on our little cul-de-sac of eight homes have had affairs, and that includes my husband Richard.
Janet is correct. Social attitudes have changed dramatically in the last forty-five years, and these changes have affected family life and marriage in profound ways.
Studies of affairs report considerable variations in their frequency. A survey of the most recent studies shows that 44 to 50 percent of men and 25 percent of women have affairs, and for women there is an indication that rates may be rising. Moreover, other reports claim that in couples therapy a total of 55 percent of the couples deal with infidelity issues, either when initiating or at some point during therapy. Our own clinical observations confirm that the chance that a marriage will be touched by infidelity is high, and that extramarital sex still plays a role in the dissolution of many marriages.
Infidelity, whether resulting in divorce or reconciliation, has a ripple effect that reaches far from the center and disturbs the security, peace of mind, and self-esteem of all family members. We would like to help you get a little distance from your emotional reactivity so that you can understand what may have happened and make the choice that will bring equilibrium to your life and allow you to move forward. Let’s begin by examining how affairs differ.
Types of Affairs
I just don’t know how serious it is,
Joyce explained to the support group as she told them about her husband Joel’s affair with a woman in his office. He says it means nothing, just a one-time thing. And he promised never to see her again.
Don’t believe him,
replied Don. I believed my wife, and now she’s head over heels in love with the other guy, and we’re getting a divorce!
Are Joyce and Don in different situations? They seem to be. Joyce’s husband and Don’s wife have different depths of feelings about their affairs. All affairs are not the same, and the differences are very important.
The question Joyce raised in the group about the seriousness of her husband’s affair can be answered when we know what type of affair it is.
From our work with men and women, we believe that affairs fall along a continuum according to the degree of emotional investment the unfaithful spouse feels toward the lover. At the beginning of the continuum are the casual involvements, like serial affairs and flings, in which there is none to very little emotional investment in the partner. Further along the continuum are romantic love affairs with a high degree of emotional investment, and at the extreme end are long-term affairs, which last for years—possibly over the lifetime of the marriage.
Affairs
Although most of the infidelity we have seen is concentrated in these four areas, as in any continuum there may be movement. An affair can change in the degree of emotional investment. For example, what starts as a meaningless fling can change to a romantic love affair, and romantic love affairs can grow into long-term attachments. Knowing where the affair falls on the continuum helps you answer one of the core questions, which is, Where does the commitment of the unfaithful partner lie?
Serial Affairs
Let’s start with a look at the affair in which the partners lack emotional investment: the serial affair. This can be a series of one-night stands and/or a series of many affairs. Having many affairs and partners indicates a wish to avoid involvement or intimacy, not a desire for emotional closeness. The relationship is for the excitement of the here and now.
Intimacy and commitment are missing in the serial affair. The lure in such cases is for sex and excitement.
Even though this is a sexual relationship, we see it as a way to distance.
In this category, regardless of gender, are the lovers we’ve come to call Don Juans and Casanovas. They often rationalize their behavior by thinking that they love and provide for their mates, but a little on the side
doesn’t hurt anyone.
Partners who have serial one-night stands are content to leave it at that. Meeting again would produce anxiety and complicate their lives. Many such affairs occur out of town, safely away from family and friends who may encounter them accidentally. Some occur at conferences or while traveling.
We have heard many stories from clients whose partners are repeatedly unfaithful. As Susan, a forty-three-year-old mother of three told us about her husband Ted, "He’s screwing around with those damn women on his trips. His boss is, too. They’re all doing it, and protecting each other. I know it, because I hired a private investigator. I’m so angry. I don’t know what to do.
When we got married, we struggled and worked together building what I thought was ‘the good life.’ With Ted’s abilities and his dad’s connections he landed a job in a local bank. He was so good that before long he was made a manager and eventually a vice-president,
she explained.
Our dreams of success were beginning to come true. Only it turned out to be a nightmare,
she cried. I had no idea what Ted was doing. He must have been laughing up his sleeve. He was away from home a lot, traveling to branches in other cities and going to these high-level meetings. Well, Mr. Rhinegold, the private investigator, told me that Ted and his colleagues began to have ‘escorts,’ young women who provide them with sex for a price. ‘It doesn’t mean anything,’ Mr. Rhinegold said, ‘It’s a different one every time,’ he told me.
Susan went on angrily, Well, I don’t give a damn what Mr. Rhinegold said. I am furious that Ted has ‘escorts’ and a secret life apart from me and the kids. I want it to end. I hate him for it.
To Susan, Mr. Rhinegold’s observation that it’s a different one every time
was the good news and the bad news. The good news was that the women never meant anything to Ted, but the bad news was that he had quite a history of infidelity. Ted was a serial lover.
Although Ted had many one-night stands, some serial lovers have a series of brief affairs. Our observations show the affairs usually last a few months but can last more than a year. We place serial affairs at the beginning of the continuum because there are no plans to make or maintain a commitment to the lover. A pattern often emerges for how the couple deals with the infidelity, if discovered. The partner is contrite, remorseful, and more attentive. He (or she) asks for forgiveness and promises not to be unfaithful again. He may start out with good intentions to be the faithful spouse, but in time the same pattern recurs with a new partner. After a few of these affairs, the offended spouse begins to recognize the signs and is aware that once again the marriage partner is unfaithful.
Many of our clients who are married to serial lovers come to recognize that the behavior will not stop, that their partners are addicted to sex. These sexually compulsive spouses seem powerless to control their desire for sex. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D., has described a cycle in which the sexually compulsive individual starts to obsess about sex, which in turn leads to increased anxiety and tension. This anxiety and tension continue until he finds sexual release. After this he feels remorseful and may vow not to behave in that manner again. But as his preoccupation and anxiety arise at some time in the future, the cycle is repeated. This need for sexual excitement of the moment must be satisfied, even though it frequently creates problems and embarrassments in other aspects of his life. The sexually