The Life and Times of Timothy Penn: A Memoir

The

Life and Times

of

Timothy Penn

The Life and Times of Timothy Penn

-A Memoir-

© 2015 Dear God Records

Published by

Timothy Penn

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews such as book reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Printed in the United States of America

www.bachelorboyneutral.com

First published in the United States of America 2016

Copyright © Timothy Penn 2016

Timothy Penn asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

A catalog record for this book is

Available from the U.S. Copyright Office

ISBN [978-1-4835880-5-6]

Printed and Bound in the U.S.A. by

Timothy Penn

Photo credits (123RF.com):

Christian Chan

Vadim Guzhva

Martin Allinger

Cathy Yeulet

Gino Santa Maria

Photo editing and design by

Timothy Penn

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, telepathically or otherwise, without the written permission of the publisher.

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out, projected onto public buildings, have the corner of its pages turned down, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser. Or else.

In loving memory of

who’ve always been an inspiration to me through their love, discipline, and guidance.

Your encouragement and motivation to write and chase my dreams has helped me tremendously.

Table of Contents

1 Life Part One

1.1 — Here I Am

2 Family

2.1 — Family

2.2 — To My Parents, With Love

2.3 — O My Brother, O My Sister

2.4 — Lips of Enthusiasm, Life of Encouragement

2.5 — Death of a Legend, Birth of a Dynasty

2.6 — We Shall Overcome

3 Childhood

3.1 — Some Memories Here

4 Friends

4.1 — Here and Gone

5 Sex and Relationships

5.1 — Temptation

5.2 — Sex & Relationships

5.3 — Women & Marriage

5.4 — Together, With Love

6 Faith

6.1 — Getting to know the Creator

6.2 — Religion, Christianity, and The Bible

6.3 — Endurance and Prosperity

6.4 — Forgiveness and Encouragement

7 Impartial Love

7.1 — Impartial Love

8 Music

8.1 — Music and Interactions

9 Success and Failure

9.1 — Motivation and Ambition

10 Reality

10.1 — O The World We Live In

10.2 — Here and Gone Again

11 Memories

11.1 — Some Memories There

12 Life Part Two

12.1 — From Here On Out

Foreword

Timothy Penn was born in a Southern California city by the name of Fountain Valley, but was briefly raised in Long Beach, California, before his dad sent him and his sister to live with their grandmother in Midland, Texas. His brilliant writing skills were first recognized when he was only 9 years of age. His dad would take him and his older sister to work at the RadioShack store, located approximately 1 mile from the original Disneyland, in Anaheim, California. It was there, in the RadioShack store where his father took note of his unusual writing gift. While his Dad was selling computers young Timothy was writing the well-choreographed sales pitches that he was reciting to the customer. Young Timothy went into Microsoft Office Word program and substituted his own style of sales pitch which was actually an improvement of his dad’s sales script, who was not even aware that he could write a sentence, not to mention a sales pitch. While in high school his English teacher accused Timothy of plagiarizing another author’s work, when, in fact, he wrote the play himself.

His gift to write has thrust him into another major production, that of chronolizing his life story in the form of a book. It deserves your attention. Read it and share your joy with others.

James Johnson

Former RadioShack Store Manager

Preface

Timothy Penn, a high school graduate from Odessa, Texas has accomplished many great feats in his life. He has produced and published inspirational music suitable for any age group, including family and friends, as a way to express what he believes in and why he is someone whom many people look up to. Timothy Penn was in a dark state in his life when he felt he needed to publish what he’s gone through in life in this publication.

After finding success in the music industry based on what he’s learned how to do on his own, Timothy enjoys helping others discover their talents so that they can be successful and have something to be thankful for. He played in a school band for over six years, contributing three of those years to marching band season. Before music became his biggest success story in life, he remembered God, that of which his parents and grandparents helped him in choosing to dedicate his life to praising God with his talents in music.

Adding to his original excitement of what it’s like to be a part of music, he uses much of his spare time finding new ways to enlighten people about what it takes to go from the bottom to the top of your own career without losing sight of God. Along Timothy’s journey, life happens but with things like endurance and prayer, he knows that there is always a way out of any situation.

In hopes of inspiring others by what he does in life, he writes his story on behalf of his dad who has been there for him, when superstardom was simply a long ways away. His heartfelt words of wisdom and acknowledgement are greatly appreciated by many around the world.

I want to personally say thank you to my dad who has been there for me since day one. He has always encouraged me to live according to the Bible and to always remember my Creator. I don’t know of many people who have a loyal father like mine, but in me having this privilege, I say it is an honor to be the son of such a great man.

I also would like to give a big thank you to my family. There are too many in my family to count on my finger, which is a blessing in itself, but there are never too many to say I love you. You all have contributed in some way or another in helping me and steering me in the way that I should go. I believe love starts in the home and thanks to you all, I’ve taken love with me wherever I go.

A special thank you for all the friends I know far and wide. I’m sorry if I haven’t kept up with all of you, but I know that life has a way of bringing people back around. It’s like they say: History repeats itself. For all the love and support you’ve shown at church, at school, and around the place we call home, I just want to say a prayer goes up to each and every one of you. I hope you will find success in what you plan to do in life and wherever you go, please take…God…with…you!

For all the students and teachers I met throughout my school years, may grace be with you all! You guys and gals are awesome. Never give up hope in finding purpose in your life.

Thanks to you Principle Monger of Ben Milam Elementary. I made it through my childhood alive!

Introduction

Midland, TX — A rural area just three hundred miles east of El Paso, and five hundred miles west of Dallas, hasn’t always held some of the greatest sights for tourists, but with its expansion of over 100,000 residents and counting, we have the oil boom to thank for being one of the more popular places to live since 2003.

Known by most as the safe haven of one of our latest presidents, Midland has sparked heartwarming appeal in the eyes of those looking to raise a family, find a job, and keep a steady income. The one thing that’s highly underestimated is the weather. It could be raining one moment and then all of a sudden, the sun will begin to shine, but wait! Here comes the wind.

Midland’s residents aren’t just home to some of the wealthiest millionaires but also the most happiest. From businesses, to neighborhoods, to schools, to parks and recreations, the Square has always been a friendly place to live, work, and play. Today, Midland has been listed in Forbes’ magazine many times, but there was a time when it was nothing more than a few city streets, some gas stations, and a place to give birth to your wildest of dreams and your life’s greatest moments...

This isn’t my place of birth, but needless to say I started my dreams here. The name’s Timothy Penn, but you can call me Timothy. At the age of four, my dad Dean brought me here to start a new life with our other part of the family, thanks to his wife Sharon and my grandmother Anita. I’ve been living here off and on ever since.

My sister Rita is in her room humming some RnB song she’s listening to on the radio. That girl is always jamming out in her room. I used to wonder what she’d do after she grew out of playing with those dolls of hers. That was so long ago. You know, I’m surprised I don’t hear her in there talking on the phone to one of her friends right now. Woo! That girl can talk.

This here is my dad. I just mentioned him to you a moment ago. He’s in the kitchen right now talking with my step mom Sharon about who knows what. You’re going to love my parents. We haven’t always gotten along but I think I’m growing up now. I used to be a bad little boy. O how times have changed!

I’m going to step outside of my parent’s backyard for just a moment. Now would you look at that?! Our most loved member of the family: Girly.

Say hello, Girly.

She whimpered and whined.

Ah, just how a dog is supposed to sound when they’re excited to see me after so long. Girly has always made me smile. She’s such an adorable little thing. I tell you, she can recognize my voice as soon as I’m at the front door. What can I say, the dog’s got good ears.

Excuse me, dad, I politely interrupted. My parents seem to always have a good conversation going on when I’d come to visit. Sorry to interrupt.

Oh. That’s okay, son. What’d you need?

I just want to say that I’m glad I was able to come by and see you guys.

Hey, you know it’s always good to see you, Timo, dad said, looking up at me with a smile. A smile grew on my face. Daddy Dean — I call him that because he’s my dad. Daddy Dean and Sharon were left in the kitchen to talk while I went to the restroom after dinner. Of course you know where my sister Rita ran off to. She seems to live in that bedroom of hers.

Well, we are pleased to have you come by, Timothy. Please, come by any time, Sharon assured me, while patting me gently on the back.

Do you guys need me to do anything for you all before I go? I asked.

Wait, but where you headed off too? Daddy Dean chuckled softly, trying to hide his smile.

Ah, come on, dad. You know I’ve got my own place now. Although it does seem a bit different telling you ‘I’ll see you all later’ rather than a simple ‘goodnight’ and I’m off to bed. Sometimes I wish those days hadn’t ended, you know? But hey, had they not ended, I wouldn’t be as responsible as I am now, I exclaimed with my hands outstretched.

Hey, that’s right Timothy. You hit the nail on the head.

Yeah, and you see where all that discipline and tough love got you? Sharon inquired.

Yes ma’am. And thanks to you all, I plan to be better than I used to be, a whole lot better.

Sharon rising up out of her chair gestured her arms out to request a hug. Yep, and let your good behavior speak for you. Here, come give me a hug. We hugged each other. Sharon and I had never been this close before. Times before this weren’t always the easiest. But who’s to say that they always had it easy living with their parents?

Daddy Dean rose up from his chair. Now I usually just give a hand shake, but this is a time of giving thanks, young man. I slightly laughed as I hugged my dad back. I loved my parents. Things haven’t always been perfect in our family, but what family is ever perfect, right?

With me now hugging them both and heading for the front door, I said, Thanks to you all, my brothers and sisters, and the rest of our family, I’m sure to be the kind of man my grandparents always dreamed of.

They nodded their heads. After a few seconds my dad spoke, That’s right Timothy. Yep…that’s right. Say, where is your sister at?

Dad, I think she’s still in her room. You know how she is about being in the groove with that music of hers.

Daddy Dean suggested to Sharon, Sharon, can you go knock on Rita’s door and tell her to come out of that room so that she can say goodnight to her brother?

Rita?! No answer. Sharon raised her voice, Rita! A faint answer came from my sister’s room.

Rita’s bedroom door opened. Yes?

Come on out here so you can say goodnight to your brother. He hasn’t seen you since we ate dinner.

Okay, Rita replied.

Sharon turning to me as we three approached the front door, Timothy that reminds me. Did you wanna stay for dessert? I made some pie.

I gently removed my arms from around them, faced her and kindly explained, Well, Sharon, usually I would but I’m still a little full after tonight’s meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and green beans. But I do thank you for offering though.

Oh ok- Sharon said, shortly before my dad spoke up.

Well, how about you take some home with you to enjoy later on. Who knows? You may get hungry in the middle of the night, my dad implied.

Oh, alright dad. I’ll take a piece for the ride home.

Sharon, on her way back into the kitchen to prepare a nice piece of pie for me to take home yelled out again for my sister to come out of the room. I don’t know what always took my sister so long to come out of her room. It seemed like she was coming from down the road sometimes.

Rita shuffled with her headphones in her hand. I’m coming right now.

By the way Timothy, how’s your car running? Everything okay at your apartment? Daddy Dean asked.

I placed my hands in my pocket and replied, My car’s actually running great so far dad. I recently had an oil change done on it and I’m looking to get the tires changed on it here in a couple of months.

Oh that’s good, dad noted.

Everything’s great at the bachelor pad. I’ve been enjoying the peace and quiet and surprisingly my neighbors haven’t been too noisy.

Hey, that’s always good Timothy. Yes sir, dad exclaimed rubbing his chin.

Rita poked her head out from the hallway. Hey bro. She was all smiles. I never knew a time when my sister wasn’t grinning, except when she wasn’t in a good mood of course.

Hey Rita. How’s that groove, Stella? I laughed. I heard you in their singing the words to your favorite song.

Impersonating someone off of the ‘In Living Color’ show in relation to ‘Martin’, she stated, Yeah, well you know me. I’m the next Tina, not the next Gina. Martin ain’t got nothing on me.

Dad and I laughed out loud. Rita has always had some of the corniest sayings to share with the family. This had to be one of the funniest.

Well, sis. I just want you to hold down the fort and keep it real while I’m away.

Ay ay ay, bro. You know I’ms ‘gone keep it real a one hunted pa cent. We all laughed. I hugged my sister goodnight and she headed back into her room. I then turned to open the door. As I walked outside, Sharon handed me the neatly foiled piece of pie in my hand. Seconds later, Daddy Dean and I walked to my car.

Thank you, Sharon, for another great home-cooked meal and the dessert.

You’re welcome, Timothy. Have a goodnight.

Okay. You too, Sharon.

As dad and I approached the front of my car, he reached out his hand as if to shake mine. We really appreciate you taking some time out of your schedule to come visit us this evening, Timothy. We shook hands.

Oh, no problem dad. No problem. I enjoy coming over here to visit you all from time to time. I’m sorry I’m not over here more often.

Hey, well, it’s better late than never, but it’s better never late.

Yeah, that’s true dad.

Well, I better let you go. I know you want to get home and probably work on some more of that music you like making. Oh, that reminds me: When are you coming out with your next music album? You know, I’m your biggest fan and promoter.

I rubbed my brow while smiling. Well, dad. I’m not sure just yet, but I am working on releasing another album here pretty soon. You know I told you that now I’m making my own beats from scratch now, right?

Oh you are?! Man, that’s great Timothy. You become something with that music of yours, young man. How long have you been making music now? I know it’s been at least three or four years now, right?

Yeah, dad. That’s just about right. More like five or six, but who’s counting?

Listen, Timothy. I encourage you to stick with that music man. I know you’ve felt down a lot lately because you haven’t seen your works being commended but I assure you that your time is coming. Do not give up on that music, man. No one can hide a pearl forever. Somebody is going to find it, Daddy Dean exclaimed with confidence.

I was relieved so much that I burst out with a smile and a small laugh. Yeah, dad. That’s right. Wow, a pearl huh? I looked over at dad still smiling. I could see he really believed in me. Man, I wish Sheila (my biological mother) was here to witness this moment in my life.

Yeah. I’m sure of it. Just stick with it.

Alright dad. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I sighed. Well, I’m going to head on in, dad. Thanks again for everything.

Oh, that’s quite alright, son, he said, as we shook hands one more time.

Goodnight dad.

Goodnight, Timothy. Hey, maybe we can go to breakfast at I hope this Saturday?

Dad, that sounds like a plan. I’ll see you there bright and early.

1

Life

Part One

Here I Am

People say the first time you do something bad it is a mistake, but the second time and every time after that, it’s a choice. In speaking on mistakes, I’m going to make a final choice and stop watching pornography. Only God and I believe I will break the habit. The only thing I know is that in order to stop yielding to this temptation, I have to learn to live to cope without the need for it. Exchanging my bad habits for good ones is a great idea. I’m going to fight to live by Jesus Christ’s example and do my best to make the most of my life one step at a time.

I’m not who I’m supposed to be entirely because of my mistakes. Then again, who is? I’ve been awake since last night trying to figure out what to do with my time. I guess that’s always the case when you’re bored, am I right? Instead of being bored like always, I’ve decided to tell you my life story. I hope that you will be interested in listening to it.

Unfortunately, I find myself alone most of the time. I don’t choose to be alone but I think God has done this for a reason. (Maybe it’s because in doing so, I can encourage you in some way or another by way of writing to you my friend.)

At times, I find myself listening to music and playing video games. When I become bored, I usually watch porn, movies, and create music. These are only a few of the things I do in my spare time. Hey, what’s a bachelor to do these days? Besides being in trouble with the law, there’s not much else left to do besides being creative and using your talents to the full. Doing other things involves other people.

Sometimes I think on the question about where I’m trying to go in life from here. I say if people like you and I want to inspire others, let God inspire us to continue to pray and do as He says without let up.

I’m trying to stay alive, but I can’t do this on my own. It’s hard; My God, it’s hard. I know I’m supposed to come to grips with myself but I need God’s help. I can’t do it alone.

My plan is to have my own place, pay my own bills on time (which of course is something I’m already doing), get married to the woman of my dreams in loyalty and love, raise a family, and grow old together. In being a bachelor, I’m thanking God for life and freedom. It’s always best to thank God for what He’s already given you. Let me say this: If you were given everything you wanted in life, it would probably break your heart.

The effects of pornography are good and bad. The gist of what it’s all about is watching people have sex on a screen. That’s all it is. Frankly, that’s all it ever will be. It’s good to avoid watching porn as much as possible. There’s more benefit to having sex with your partner than masturbating or having an orgasm on your own. For one, it’s a healthier choice. Believe me; No one’s going to argue that having sex is much better than watching porn. I’ve even done a little bit of experimenting and reading to confirm this truth. Second, watching porn can become a bad habit and can eventually do damage to your health, but that’s a given.

The only good thing about pornography is that people use it as an alternative in reasonable situations. For example, if your spouse is on vacation and you plan to remain loyal to him or her by using an alternative in your sex life rather than a substitute, it’s recommended you watch porn (the alternative) rather than ruin your relationship or marriage by engaging in sex with someone (the substitute) other than your partner. Still, remember to let your significant other know you’re watching it. Over time, your mate will appreciate your respect and honesty in having told them. Moreover, they are more likely to understand you in having developed a bad habit rather than going and having a secret affair with someone else. Of all things, always try to keep your sex life interesting and be open with your mate about what you’re going through emotionally and sexually so that pornography is always on the back burner.

At first, it may seem that the pleasure you get out of watching porn is rather beneficial. Some may even consider it better than having a partner. My friend, the truth is: do not get beside yourself. Exercise patience and self-control. No one can avoid mistakes, but let’s be mindful of things that will bring you the most benefit. Keep yourself busy with meaningful things in life. It’s not a good idea to make too much time for things that will bring you no joy in the end.

In developing self-control, be sure to keep your sexual behaviors intact. If you go overboard in watching porn, you may lose some of your dignity along the way. Instead, find a mate. I believe there’s someone for everyone, even you.

You may think that you’re not hurting anyone if you watch a little bit of porn here and there, right? Wrong. You can end up losing track of time along with your focus of what you want to do most with your life. Be encouraged to stop listening to your heart and start listening to wisdom from God’s Word. Begin by gradually readjusting your thinking. Then focus on what’s necessary for you to change. This includes focusing on the solution and not the problem, meditating on the right choice not the wrong one, and praying to God about everything (and I do mean everything) so that you will truly find relief from stress, pain, and heartache.

I tried to tell my dad about my situation and I believe I got a bad reaction from him. When it came to asking Daddy Dean for help, I went around to my older brother’s mom Jean to see if she could talk to him about my problem. Somehow, Daddy Dean and I never had the conversation, but I could tell he got the message. I felt at one time or another he looked at me a bit different though. Was he a bit surprised about it? I don’t know. Seeing that my dad isn’t perfect either and knowing that we all are sinners, the pain of him not mentioning the issue didn’t seem to be too painful. Time moved on and I strengthened myself in the Lord.

There was a time I needed Daddy Dean financially and I believe that’s where I began to realize I needed to depend on God more than I depend on man to get through this thing called life. By this time in my life, my dad had done a lot for me. If there’s one thing a person should not expect their father to do, it’s be God. God can help you in ways that no one else can or will.

I can’t get over the reason why I started watching porn. The reason I may have started watching it in the first place was to get over a breakup or fill a void of loneliness. All I can assure you is that I believed at first that it was a way to relieve stress, due to the lack of love from having someone to be in love with. In a relationship, sex happens. When you’re not in a relationship, what else can you do? When I found out women watch porn too, I was relieved. Well, I guess we’re all human, I reasoned in my mind. Knowing this, it has helped me to become more peaceable with them, knowing they have needs and are imperfect as well.

For some strange reason, I felt watching porn was the easier and less regrettable thing to do at times because in watching it, there are no broken hearts, no sexually transmitted diseases, and no drama.

By the time pornography became a habit to me, I was going to school in Odessa and living in Midland. It’s hard to find and keep friends when you live in one city and go to school in another. I can’t imagine how kids must feel whose parents move the whole family around a lot throughout their childhood. Moving one time throughout a child’s education is painful enough.

Now you may be someone who’s wondering if I enjoy the effects of pornography. The answer is yes. It’s because of what it does to relieve stress to a point. Then you may wonder if I enjoy how it can affect me? The answer is no. I’d rather be with a woman any day of the week than watch porn. For one, God isn’t pleased with me if I don’t conclude that I must stop. To be honest, I don’t blame Him, though in some circumstances it is understandable to carry on in this way. Second, I believe sharing is caring. I’m sure there is some woman out their wanting a good man.

The first time I masturbated from watching pornography, I cried out to God for having done wrong. It was more of a heartbroken outcry than a simple moment of disappointment. I knew I’d hurt my relationship with God the minute it happened. What was I to do though? I couldn’t take the mistake back. I had to learn to live with what I’d done.

I’ve said many times to myself that I plan to quit watching porn. It’s been ten years since I first watched pornography. To say the least, I’m happy I’ve slowed down on watching it. By God’s grace and mercy, I will soon come to grips with myself and live to see my hopes and dreams fulfilled.

When I watched pornography, the one thing I saw in those videos that seemed to stun me the most was these people were receiving some sort of satisfaction in their life. Seeing my life torn upside down, I wanted to know what it was like to have satisfaction. If watching a porno was the best thing I could do to feel acknowledged at the time, I was willing to accept that and for awhile, I did. Now not only was I alone all the time, I felt alone. People went on with their own lives just as I expected.

I was wrong though. Just two years ago, my neighbors somehow found a way to hack into my computer and take over my Internet connection. Repeatedly they looked on in silence as I watched pornography. (I was not aware of this at first.) My secrecy was revealed to my neighbors. From behind closed doors, I sat there with my face in my hands shaking my head and begging God to forgive me when I realized they’d found out about what I’d been doing. I felt so ashamed I wanted to die. I hated myself for the simple fact they’d found out about me. It wasn’t that they were in my business as to why I felt hurt in my heart, it was because I’d put to shame the Almighty God. I thought if I could keep my secret a secret, God would not be too displeased with me, seeing that I shared with no one else in my sins.

The neighbors were angry and furious as if I was the one who hacked into someone’s computer. From then on, they knew when I was online looking at that stuff. They began monitoring me. It’s terrible because they not only knew what times I’d be watching porn but also when I would leave my house and when I’d return. They banged on the walls all the time for me to turn it off. I felt terrible, as though I was the lowest of the low. For a time, I thought I was God’s mistake. Above all things, I was embarrassed and felt that I’d not only humiliated myself but also humiliated God.

What hurt me the most was that God felt struck in His own heart that the world had seen my badness. I knew He was angry with me now. He had to be. It wasn’t the simple fact that people could now see that I watched porn. It was because they found out I was a man of God.

As a Christian, I wasn’t living my life the way I ought to and they now knew this, by having hacked into my computer. In finding out about my private life, I feel they may have become discouraged in going to church. Seeing that I was not living right, they may have concluded they had no reason of needing to go because I’d set a bad example.

How was it so obvious that I was the suspect? I wondered. My friend, what twenty-one year olds do you know who live on their own, go to church on a Sunday morning and a Wednesday night by themselves, and drive their own vehicle? Few young people do this these days. I knew my past wasn’t a perverted one against other people. Still, I knew I had to stop watching pornography and I couldn’t do it alone.

-------

I usually stay at home like the books you may enjoy reading at a time most comfortable for you, away from all the action some view as fun. Like those books, I’m not in your way and you can feel open to expressing your feelings, calm in your mind, comfortable and at peace learning more about me at your own pace. I hope that what I’ve told you about me so far has been quite interesting and you’re able to relate my life with yours in some way or another. (If not, continue. I’m sure you will.)

Some people aren’t interested in meeting new people in the same fashion as others. Some people favor meeting online, over the phone, or via text message as a more convenient way to communicate. You, my friend, have given me a chance to walk with you back in time and tell you a little bit about me and in what ways I can encourage you to be a better person. I feel this is a better way for me, a possible stranger, to introduce myself to you by writing to you.

Think about it: more can be said without the discomfort of you having to confront me. To some, I may not be someone whom everyone wants to invite into their home, but I feel that no one will see it a problem to have me present with them in this way. Back in the day, people used to be so lovable towards each other publicly, but now I feel writing to you is the most effective way to be close to you. Another way you can draw close to my view of life, trials I’ve faced and how I’ve overcome them is through my music, which I’ll speak of later on.

Here, walk alongside me.

-------

As a teenager, I had to find love in some way or another and since relationships weren’t always in effect, I thought porn would be my alternative to the pleasure and satisfaction I needed.

When I started going to school in Odessa, life got harder for me socially. I’d no longer be going to school with kids I’d grown up with after 7th grade. I also began to change. In watching pornography, I felt as though I could fill two voids in my life: One of those voids was the absence of family and friends paying me any attention. The second void was the absence of not having a woman around to feel loved by. Watching porn is probably the result of not having anyone to do extracurricular activities with, but I’m alive today. (Believe me; There have always been times when I wanted out of the house but had no one to do things with.) My new place of school ruined a number of opportunities for me, but it also gave me new opportunities as well.

I’ve blamed myself for most of what’s happened in my life. Now that I think of it, watching pornography and having sex is what I’ve done to relieve myself from all the pain I’ve had to endure. I used to take life hard and I felt like the only way I wouldn’t harm others in searching for a release was to do things of that nature. At the time, I thought porn would give me the ‘fix’ I needed to get through the mess I had to deal with in my childhood, but it still hasn’t proven true.

I knew I couldn’t change the past, but I had to learn to live with regrets. I prayed about it a little bit and moved on. From then on, I’d try to do the right thing and avoid pornography altogether. Unfortunately, throughout the next ten years, I’d make the same wrong choice repeatedly.

I believe all this leads me to say:

Welcome to my world. I am Timothy Penn. This is my story…

2

Family

Family

I never knew my biological mother Sheila. I don’t even remember what she looks like because she wasn’t there for my sister Rita and me after I turned two years old. In spite of what happened to cause Daddy Dean and her to break up, she could’ve at least come back to see her kids from time to time, especially on special occasions. I don’t know our other brother Leo all that well. He says that he remembers me as a baby but I’m not sure who he is since we didn’t grow up around each other.

First, there was my biological mother Sheila who left my sister Rita and I when I was only two years old. Then it was Dora (my first love), who happened to be a virgin, who cheated on me for no reason at all. (Although for no reason seems too good to be true, I’ll mention this later.)

My sister Rita and I didn’t get along well growing up. The arguments were sometimes my fault. I was just a young man picking on my sister. (The chances of that, right?) In addition, growing up with my parents after age twelve was uncomfortable at times throughout my childhood because I was so used to Grandmother Anita and Granddaddy Barry being my parents. Although my parents loved me, I didn’t always feel loved by them at all times.

My sister Rita remembers what our mama looks like though. Even though Sheila wasn’t there for us, I’m still happy and give her credit for giving birth to us because she could have aborted her kids and Lord knows things would’ve been different for my family. She let me live, I thought. That was something I could be happy about when thinking of my mama. May God be with her in all she does going forward. Even though my mama wasn’t there for me throughout my childhood, I love her and I hope we meet again someday.

I love my dad Daddy Dean. Daddy Dean is his nickname. His real name of course is just Dean. He and my stepmother Sharon raised me early on in life and began again when I was age thirteen. Thanks to him and Sharon, I’ve made it to see twenty-five years of age. Both of them are good parents.

On behalf of Sharon and Daddy Dean’s hard work, I appreciate all the time, money, and resources they spent helping Rita and I throughout the years, even after we moved out of the house. When things got rough, they helped us out here and there, even though at times I felt they didn’t want to.

Much appreciation goes out to my brothers and sisters. I know they’ve meant well to stay in touch with me, although their efforts sometimes told me otherwise. We all get busy at times and I know that I could be the bigger brother in staying in touch with them. They have looked up to me for encouragement and advice in the past and I want them to know I appreciate them for doing so.

Nowadays, Rita and I don’t talk much but we do get along better now that we’ve grown up. At some time or another, I think she felt like she wasn’t a part of the family. It may be because of how she used to act when she was younger. I believe she didn’t understand how disobedient she was back in the day, but I never looked down on her. I guess now for Rita to prove to our family she’s a grown woman, she just stays away for some reason, making most of her time for her friends. I believe as time goes on, she’ll change. Everything takes time. Give a person time to change and God may help that person to do just that.

There were times when I used to worry about my sister, though she never realized it. Now I rely on God to look after her. If anything, I’m concerned about my nephews getting the proper care at home. I know for sure that the world isn’t as it used to be. People don’t love each other as they used to. I’m trying to do the right thing by teaching my nephews about the Bible when they come over to visit their uncle. It’s amazing how smart they are.

Family members like my aunts and uncles, as well as my brothers and sisters, have looked after me when I was just a small boy. They are now able to see the kind of person I’ve become by how I live my life daily. How they’ve lived their lives also plays a big part in the kind of man I’ve become.

My uncles and aunts are some of the nicest people you’ll meet. The greatest thing about my aunts is that each of them knows how to cook. When the family used to get together for Sunday dinner, Aunt Denise cooked beans and rice, Aunt Vale cooked a mean vanilla pudding, and Aunt Lynn cooked great tasting bread from scratch.

To this day, I appreciate my aunts and uncles. Their love and hospitality have come a long way. Aunt Denise told me that I always have somewhere to go if I get hungry. "Wow! That was nice of her," I thought feeling blessed. I love what she has done for the entire family throughout the years. What she continues to do for the whole family is a blessing indeed.

Uncle Douglas knew how to cook brisket. Boy o’ boy! He always cooked a great homemade meal. He’d been cooking since he was in his twenties. My dad Daddy Dean said Uncle Douglas used to cook for The Jackson 5. Although I was shocked to hear this, I didn’t think too much about it after that.

Uncle Jerry told the best jokes when he came down to visit, but he often slept a lot, especially after dinner was over. He had a lot of enthusiasm and was sarcastic at times. I liked his sense of humor. He loved drinking diet Sprite® for some reason. He said it was better than the original. To this day, I don’t understand how it’s better, but to each man his own drink. I’ve had some really good times and memorable moments with him and his wife Aunt Mae. They have a very lovely home in Houston where I once visited them as a child.

Daddy Dean became known as the person who could recall events from years ago almost to the tee. He’d have you laughing from one end of the street to the other with his sense of humor. To this day, He’s a real comical person.

Daddy Dean loves bikes. He has a big collection of them and a story to go along with each one. He’s been collecting them for quite some time now. He’s got so many; he could start his own private business selling them. I have to say this is what dad called a good way to exercise.

One time, while planning to pay a visit to some of our family members in Los Angeles, we stopped on the side of the service rode to ride bikes. As we began riding bicycles, he said to me, Just fifteen minutes of exercise a day will keep the doctors away. That’s all it takes. He’s right. I’ve had to ride my bike to work at times and it really is good exercise. In addition, you get to view the great outdoors in a different way and breathe in all the fresh air.

Nowadays, Daddy Dean and I discuss things like Christianity, religion, news, weather, and sports. Frankly, he prefers to talk about news, weather, and sports the most. We’re always on the phone cracking a few jokes and eating breakfast together. Spending time with Aunt Denise and a few of my cousins are always on the agenda.

I’m glad one of my dad’s interests consists of watching his health and eating great quality foods such as raw fruits and vegetables. I believe having good health habits helps improve the well-being of a person and builds up their confidence. I’m now working on a consistent healthy diet. From what I know, I’ll always be consistent with it, having someone like my dad to encourage me.

Daddy Dean is also an inspirational person. He loves exercising. I’ve realized the older most people get, the less they exercise. This isn’t the case with my dad. Over the years, one thing I’ve noticed about him is his enthusiasm. He’s often encouraged me, my brothers, and my sisters to get in shape, stay in shape, and develop good diets and eating habits. I strongly believe it’s a good way to stay healthy. His influence encourages me to live a healthier lifestyle. I’ve already begun changing some of my eating habits, thanks to him.

My grandparents were grand indeed and nice people at that. They took us in when Daddy Dean needed help watching over us. Daddy Dean and Sharon were still living back in my hometown Long Beach, California working to make ends meet when they decided the best living arrangement option was to move Rita and me down to Texas to stay with our grandparents. This move helped us to get to know Grandmother Anita