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    Wanted: Undead or Alive
    Wanted: Undead or Alive
    Wanted: Undead or Alive
    Ebook260 pages2 hours

    Wanted: Undead or Alive

    By Gary Kuyper

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    About this ebook

    Wanted: Undead or Alive is a rootin, tootin’ but mostly shootin’ adventure of epic proportions. During a botched bank robbery, Sheriff Will Blake’s brother is killed by the notorious Morgan gang. Will vows to stop at nothing to exact revenge, and so all hell breaks loose - literally! Undead outlaws terrorize the good folks of El Paso – Texas in this black comedy featuring Lazy-Eye Lazarus, the fastest gun alive...or dead. If you like Westerns and Zombie flicks then this is definitely your roll of chewin’ tabaccy. In fact, this one is guaranteed to have something for everyone. Although written in Screenplay form, the narrative is just as enjoyable as if you were reading a novel or munching on a tub of hot buttered popcorn in your favorite cinema theatre. All it takes is some imagination sprinkled with a little prairie dust, pardner – heeyah!

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherGary Kuyper
    Release dateOct 24, 2016
    ISBN9781370245680
    Wanted: Undead or Alive
    Author

    Gary Kuyper

    Gary Kuyper began his professional literary career writing self-help and general interest articles for Daan Retief Publishers who produced a monthly book for their woman’s club called Woman’s Forum. These articles would sometimes require research and had titles as diverse as The Human Brain and Body Painting!Being a professional photographer on a part-time basis Gary has also managed to have his articles on photography (With accompanying photographs) published in books and magazines. He has also done some free-lance photography and photojournalism projects for numerous local newspapers.Over the past four years he has constantly managed to be one of the top finalists in the Nova Short Story Competition (A competition for budding writers of science fiction and/or fantasy).Last year (2009) Gary had the pleasure of seeing The Devil's Little Tadpoles grace the pages of the local SF & Fantasy Fanzine Probe.He is an avid film buff and amateur film maker. A few years ago I managed to take first prize in the SA Ten Best Film Makers Competition with a short film entitled The Crimson Cobra - An action-packed martial arts / superhero movie using some of the very talented local artists.He is a qualified prosthetics make-up artist and has used this talent on both amateur and professional productions. He has also appeared on television in a youth program especially made for enlightening people in the art of special effects make-up.Gary has a rather excellent general knowledge being not only an avid writer but reader of any material that is able to stimulate him cerebrally.He taught himself Adobe Photoshop and has become adapt and proficient enough at utilizing the software to such a degree that he has managed to sell a number of creations to various institutes and organizations. He is particularly fond of a logo designed for the Krazy Mug Coffee Shop and several covers that have graced the front of Probe.Gary has a vast knowledge of music and has appeared on the local Television Music Quiz Show Note for Note where he was able to win a substantial amount of prize money.In 2008 he entered the SF / Fantasy Mini Radio Play Competition and took first prize with his The Adventures of Captain Max Power of the Intergalactic Police - an obvious homage to the early Flash Gordon radio series’. A number of skilled professionals are now planning to produce Max to CD and have it aired on a local radio station (SAfm).All his literary and photojournalistic accomplishments have been done on a part-time basis due to the fact that his full time career is lecturing mathematics as well as engineering science at a Technical College. Although this is a most fulfilling profession, it has long been Gary's ideal to become a full-time writer – especially of fantasy, science fiction and horror novels.He has recently published his first full-length fantasy novel - The Chronicles of Baltrath: The DARK WIZARDS.As a considerable amount of time and effort has been expended in building the world of Baltrath, Gary has begun work on a sequel to The Dark Wizards.

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      Book preview

      Wanted - Gary Kuyper

      WANTED: UNDEAD OR ALIVE

      This is a first edition

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author

      Copyright © 2016

      Smashwords Edition

      WANTED: UNDEAD OR ALIVE

      aka

      The Ballad of Lazy-Eye Lazarus

      By

      Gary Kuyper

      PROLOGUE

      THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION SCROLLS UP IN WHITE TYPE ACROSS A BLACK BACKGROUND:

      In 1835 Samuel Colt developed his first multi-shot revolving firearm. Less than a year later the six-shooter, as it was commonly known, was being mass produced. This meant that this highly sought after reliable and accurate firearm was affordable to soldiers, frontiersmen and others with a somewhat less patriotic sense of duty.

      EXT. CLEAR BLUE SKY - DAY

      As Camera pans down, the date: ‘1836’ dissolves onto the screen.

      ‘1836’ fades out and is replaced with: ‘La Loma – New Mexico’ as a stereotypical western town comes into view.

      A lone rider on a horse moves lethargically down the street. The rider is LAZ MORGAN, also known as LAZY-EYE LAZARUS due to his one eye being permanently droopy and having a constant twitch. He stops the horse in front of the bank and stares at it with thoughtful deliberation - his twitch noticeably increases. A POSH GENT exits the bank and upon seeing LAZ walks away nervously and with haste. LAZ’ eyes narrow in contemplation. LAZ then continues down the street and stops in front of the saloon.

      Music

      The muffled but lively sound of honky-tonk piano music being played.

      LAZ dismounts, tethers his ride and proceeds up the stairs towards the saloon entrance.

      INT. A STEREOTYPICAL WESTERN SALOON – DAY

      There is much activity going on as people drink and gamble. Prostitutes flirt with customers. LAZ approaches from the outside and moves the double doors apart. The music and all activity immediately stop - all eyes stare in LAZ’ direction (This cliché is used purposefully to establish that the general mood and feel of the film is one of humor and should never be taken seriously). Two men over at the bar counter, BILLY and JESSE, look on nervously at the figure of LAZ in the doorway.

      BILLY

      (Speaks to JESSE in a hushed tone)

      Lazy-Eye Lazarus.

      LAZ

      (LAZ’ gaze immediately moves to BILLY)

      JESSE

      (Whispering into BILLY’s ear)

      I heard there’s a reward out for him – dead or alive.

      BILLY

      How much? (His hand moves slowly towards the holstered firearm on his hip)

      JESSE

      Don’t even think about it, Billy. I heard he can beat his own shadow. You’ll be dead before you can unholster your shooting iron.

      LAZ

      (Notices BILLY’S hand wavering around his weapon. LAZ flexes his fingers and makes a tight fist. There is a sound of cracking knuckles. He next starts to rub his trigger finger in a circular motion with his thumb. His eye twitches even more frantically)

      BILLY

      (His hand moves shakily away from his holster and up towards the bar counter. He picks up his shot glass of whisky and after spilling a few drops downs the contents. He then speaks to BERT the barman) Give us another. (He turns away from LAZ’ gaze and leans on the bar counter)

      LAZ

      (Moves slowly and methodically towards BILLY. The sound of his spurs clink ominously with each step until he is next to BILLY) What did you call me?

      BILLY

      (Turns to face LAZ again. Frowns) You speaking to me?

      LAZ

      I said, ‘What did you call me?’

      BILLY

      I didn’t call you anything.

      LAZ

      I distinctly heard you say, ‘Lazy-Eye Lazarus.’ (His eye starts to twitch all the more rapidly) Are you calling me a liar, kid?

      BILLY

      That is your name, ain’t it?

      LAZ

      No it ain’t! I hate that goddamned moniker! You think my daddy gone and christen me Lazy-Eye ya fool?

      BILLY

      Well, no, obviously not, sir.

      LAZ

      Sir? I ain’t no fancy sir either. My friends call me Laz – Laz Morgan.

      BILLY

      Laz Morgan, okay - right.

      LAZ

      No, not right. You ain’t no friend o’ mine. You can call me Mister Morgan.

      BILLY

      Look, uh, Mister Morgan, I’m sorry that...

      LAZ

      What’s yer name?

      BILLY

      Uh, William – William Henry McCarty

      LAZ

      No it ain’t.

      BILLY

      It ain’t?

      It’s Billy the Kid.

      BILLY

      I ain’t no kid.

      LAZ

      That’s the second time you’ve called me a liar in as many minutes?

      BILLY

      Uh, Mister Morgan, I would never want to do anything to offend you.

      LAZ

      Well, it’s too late, you already gone and done that.

      BILLY

      I see. Oh, dear. Well, uh, Mister Morgan, how about I make amends. Could I buy you a drink?

      LAZ

      That would be a good start.

      BILLY

      Whiskey?

      LAZ

      (Confirms) Whiskey.

      BILLY

      (To BERT the barkeep) Bert, give this...fine gentleman a drink...whisky...and put it on my tab.

      BERT

      Puts a shot glass on the counter and fills it.

      LAZ

      (Still staring menacingly at BILLY) Leave the bottle, Bert.

      BERT

      (Stares at BILLY)

      BILLY

      (Nods nervously at BERT)

      BERT

      (Leaves the almost full bottle next to the shot glass)

      LAZ

      Now get the hell out of here...kid.

      BILLY

      Of course. (Leaves hastily)

      LAZ

      (To Jesse)

      What’s your name, kid?

      JESSE

      Jesse – Jesse James.

      LAZ

      Well, Jesse, don’t you have a cow that needs to be milked?

      Jesse

      I believe I do. Please excuse me and uh...enjoy your drink. (Leaves hastily)

      LAZ

      (Grabs hold of the whisky bottle by its neck and takes a long swig. He then walks to a table near the piano and puts the bottle down. He sits down on a chair and puts his feet up on another chair. He looks at the piano player and raises his eyebrows and hands, palms up, in query)

      PIANO PLAYER

      (Starts beating out a lively tune on the ivories. The people relax and return to their activities.)

      LAZ

      (Picks up the bottle off the table and takes another long swig. He looks around and spies a heavily painted blonde whore leaning against the handrail at the bottom of the stairs. His eye twitches faster before closing in a wink)

      WHORE

      (Smiles and winks back at LAZ)

      INT. SHERIFF’S OFFICE AND HOLDING CELLS – DAY

      SHERIFF BRADY sits behind a desk cleaning his firearm. He talks to DEPUTY DUTCH who is busy with a similar operation.

      BRADY

      You oil these goddamned things to keep them in prime condition and prevent rust and what happens?

      DUTCH

      The wind blows up a dust storm and you gotta clean out the grit.

      BRADY

      Exactly! I spend more time cleaning my gun than firing it.

      DUTCH

      I’ll stick with my one-shot long-barrel. Much more reliable than those new fandangle weapons with all them chambers – less trouble to clean too (Opens the weapon and looks down the barrel).

      BRADY

      I been the law in this town now for three years and the worst that has happened was a rabid prairie dog that got into Mrs. Riley’s chicken coop.

      DUTCH

      Well, Sheriff Brady, at least you got to fire your gun. Besides, you should be happy. The townsfolk got no complaints. You’ve kept the streets clean from brawls and drunks.

      BRADY

      I dunno. I could use a little excitement once in a while.

      POSH GENT and BANK MANAGER

      (Enter the sheriff’s office in haste)

      POSH GENT

      Sheriff! Sheriff, I just seen Laz Morgan go into the saloon!

      BRADY

      Laz Morgan? You sure it was him?

      POSH GENT

      Dead sure. Can’t deny that droopy, twitchy eye of his.

      BRADY

      Lazy-eye Lazarus - I hear he has an even twitchier trigger finger. Were his brothers with him?

      BANK MANAGER

      No, he was alone. I bet he’s here to look my bank over. He and his brothers will probably be wanting to pay me a visit real soon – if you get my drift.

      BRADY

      (Stands up) Not if I can help it. (To DEPUTY DUTCH) Dutch, I’ll get Smith and Gustav. You go get Frank and Travis at the dry goods store and anyone else who’s willing to help. Tell Frank to bring his scatter gun. Meet me out front of the saloon, and be quick about it.

      EXT. THE DIRT STREET OUTSIDE THE SALOON – DAY

      LAZ exits the saloon holding a near empty bottle of whisky.

      LAZ

      (Singing as he makes his way down the stairs and to his horse)

      Her hair it was golden but her heart ‘twas black

      I made the mistake o’ turnin’ m’ back

      Never again ta trust fair-head maids

      For she sheathed her silver dagger ‘tween m’ shoulder blades

      When I lay bleedin’ an’ dyin’ in the dirt

      ‘Twas m’ trust more than m’ heart she’d hurt

      A siren with golden hair

      Took m’ life, m’ gold and m’ trusty mare

      A daughter o’ raven hue gave me care

      Dug m’ grave an’ wept a prayer

      An’ when I got ta that thar pearly gate

      I was filled with bile an’ filled with hate

      Saint Peter said, ‘You’ve far ta go

      We’re full up here, try down below

      An’ ta be sure that ye don’t stray

      This golden-haired angel will show ya the way.’

      An’ that’s why I say, ‘Beware

      O’ all fair-haired maidens everywhere.

      BRADY

      Lazy-Eye Lazarus, you’re under arrest! Drop your weapon and surrender!

      LAZ

      (Only now does LAZ see the seven men [BRADY, DUTCH, GUSTAV, SMITH, TRAVIS, FRANK and RANDY] standing in the street with their weapons all trained on him. He raises his hands and staggers towards them frowning. He stops a short distance from them and studies each one carefully) Relax gentlemen, I ain’t goin’ fer m’ gun.

      BRADY

      That’s the wisest decision you’ve ever made.

      LAZ

      Gentleman, please, holster your weapons. I’m sure we can talk this thru without anyone having to get shot?

      BRADY

      (He indicates to the men to holster their weapons. They all obey, including Travis who lowers his shotgun)

      So you gonna come quietly – no trouble?

      LAZ

      What’s the charge, Sheriff? I ain’t done nuthin’ wrong in your town? (Smiles) Well, at least nuthin’ that warrants m’ gettin’ arrested.

      BRADY

      You’re wanted for robbing a bank in Santa Fe.

      LAZ

      Santa Fe? Sure, I ain’t gonna deny that. So what, that weren’t your bank? You shouldn’t be havin’ no beef with me.

      BRADY

      That bank you robbed is in Santa Fe county, New Mexico.

      LAZ

      If ya say so.

      BRADY

      I do say so. And Santa Fe is also part of my jurisdiction. See this? (Holds up a document) This is a warrant for your arrest. It’s effective, not only for the whole of this area, but all the way down to the New Mexico state line. If you were on the other side of that line I couldn’t touch you. But that ain’t the case now is it?

      LAZ

      That so?

      BRADY

      That is so. And that state line is pretty damn far from here.

      LAZ

      Well, that is just a godawful shame.

      BRADY

      Yes it is. It means your bank robbing days are over. Now that we have you, you can be sure we’ll soon have your brothers as well.

      LAZ

      I don’t want no trouble, sheriff. I was feeling a bit dry and ambled into your town ta wash some o’ the prairie dust outta m’ throat. (Finishes the last bit of whisky. Holds the bottle at arm’s length and drops it deliberately)

      BRADY

      You just added littering to your charges.

      LAZ

      Gonna be much more than bank robbin’ and litterin’ on m’ resume after today. Ya misunderstood m’ when I said, ‘It’s a godawful shame.’ I wasn’t speakin’ about m’self – I was speakin’ about ya pathetic lot. Ya see, I’m pretty sure I can take ya all by m’self. (Some of the men’s hands move towards their guns. LAZ holds out his hand) Careful now, first one ta unholster his weapon is first ta die.

      BRADY

      Relax men, a shootout would be just plain foolish.

      LAZ

      That’s right, men. Don’t be foolish. Walk away now while ya still can. I really don’t want ta have ta kill ya all.

      BRADY

      You’re the fool, LAZ. That whisky is rotting your brain.

      LAZ

      Nah, it helps ta steady m’ hand. (Holds his hand flat out) See that? Like a rock.

      BRADY

      That’s a six-shooter strapped to your hip. Now unless you don’t know how to count, there’s seven of us. That means there’s one more of us than what you got bullets. So, even if you are able to put six of us down, which I seriously doubt, you won’t be able to reload before one of us puts your ugly hide down for good - and without your brothers here to help you, you ain’t got a snowball’s chance in hell to...

      LAZ

      M’ brothers? M’ brothers couldn’t hit the side o’ a barn at five paces. I can take ya all m’self. This is yer last chance, walk away now before it’s too late. (Takes a ready stance. He rubs his trigger finger with his thumb in a circular motion) Shall we do this on the count of three?

      DUTCH

      Oh, God, sheriff,

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