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    How to Move to Canada: A Discontented American's Guide to Canadian Relocation
    How to Move to Canada: A Discontented American's Guide to Canadian Relocation
    How to Move to Canada: A Discontented American's Guide to Canadian Relocation
    Ebook114 pages55 minutes

    How to Move to Canada: A Discontented American's Guide to Canadian Relocation

    By André du Broc

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    About this ebook

    "That's it, I'm moving to Canada." It's been threatened before, but maybe this time it's for real.

    If you or someone you know is discontented, distressed, or downright disturbed, maybe the Great White North is right for you, eh. But how much do you really know about Canada?

    • Can you do a job that Canada needs (do you play hockey, drill for oil, or make poutine?)?
    • Can you identify the best Canadian province for your lifestyle (lots of tundra or just some tundra?)?
    • Can you master the proper pronunciation of "sorry"?
    • What strange wizardry is the Canadian government?
    • Is maple syrup acceptable substitution for currency?

    At long last, How to Move to Canada can help make your vague threat into a cold Canadian reality. This book is also full of activities such as:

    • Color the flag of your new homeland
    • Match the strange Canuck dialect with their local definitions
    • And more!

    PLEASE NOTE: This is a humor book. It won't really help you emigrate. Rather, it's a subversive mix of real information on the Great White North plus a hilarious look at all the reasons why you won't like it there any better — and why they probably won't have you anyway.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherSourcebooks
    Release dateOct 4, 2016
    ISBN9781492647348
    How to Move to Canada: A Discontented American's Guide to Canadian Relocation
    Author

    André du Broc

    André is a student at the University of Minnesota who has had a fairly wacky and wonderful life filled with varied careers to date. Actor, Musician, Teacher, Loan Officer, Circus Clown, Greeting Card Writer, Editor, Playwright, Cook, Singer, Composer, Lecturer, Activist, Fundraiser, Publisher, and Production Manager. Zoinks! He loves writing for Scooby and the Mystery, Inc. gang and hopes you enjoy their camping advice.

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      Book preview

      How to Move to Canada - André du Broc

      AUTHOR

      Without a doubt, as an ironclad patriot, you hold tightly to the ever-gleaming promise of the American dream. You know that with resilience, know-how, and a little old-fashioned elbow grease, you can accomplish just about anything your little flag-waving, red-white-and-blue heart desires.

      Want to be an astronaut?—That’ll take some work, but don’t see why not.

      Want to discover a cure for cancer?—Good for you, you little do-gooder! Go for it!

      Want to write a book?—I did it! You can too!

      No dream is too big, and in case you didn’t know, as a credit-card-carrying U.S. citizen, you are entitled to every one of those dreams coming true. That’s what it means to be a proud American. Of course, when things don’t go as planned—when NASA finds out you only joined so you could wear a space suit and post pics to Facebook, when the cancer research team dismisses you after finding out you have a two-pack-a-day habit, when your book is never picked up and you have to settle for writing a topical how-to manual instead—there’s another American dream to be had. A dream that all good U.S. citizens keep in their subconscious. A dream that corporate types officiously refer to as an exit plan. A dream that dare not speak its name, unless, of course, you’re a media celebrity sharing your ever-so-relevant political views. That other American dream is, you guessed it, moving to Canada.

      HOW DID CANADA GET ITS NAME?

      Originating from the St. Lawrence Iroquoian word kanata for village, it was adopted by the first French settlers in the sixteenth century and just stuck. Leave it to the French to start a trend.

      You’re fed up with American politics and have threatened time and time again to pack up and go. By purchasing this book, you have taken the first step toward realizing this dream. If you were gifted this book, then your relocation to Canada is part of someone else’s dream. Either way, dreams are magical and a wish that your heart makes—at least according to Disney.

      Before heading north, or to the right if you live in Alaska, carefully read through the advice offered in this user-friendly and completely analog guide to Canadian resettlement. In it you will find the answers to such questions as:

      What’s a tuque, and what part of my body is it supposed to protect?

      What’s a Terry Fox, and is it on the endangered list? If not, when’s open season?

      What’s a pogey, and can I be one when I grow up?

      You’ll also learn all the ins and outs of becoming a Canadian citizen.

      In your decision to move to Canada, you may consider yourself a promising pioneer of sorts, a naive newcomer, a self-confident settler, or even an enthusiastic ex-patriot; however, in legal terms, you are an alien going through the delightful and fun-filled process of immigration. That’s right. Like it or not, you are now an immigrant. And being an alien immigrant seeking entry to a foreign country, you’re required to jump through more hoops than a Chihuahua traveling in a Shriner’s circus.

      Lucky for you, this book explains some of the available options for establishing Canadian residency and a lot of what you’ll need to know in order to complete the process without completely losing your will to live.

      The first bit of maple-leaf-red tape you’ll need to untangle is obtaining a visa. A visa allows you to legally exist on Canadian soil and may even allow you to obtain employment while anxiously awaiting your permanent resident (PR) card, which grants you all the freedom and benefits enjoyed by your fellow Canadians with the exception of voting or holding a high-security job. Consider this a reality show of sorts: So You Think You Can Be a Canadian? Love your hair. Hope you win.

      GETTING YOUR PAPERS IN ORDER

      Here’s a handy-dandy list of some of the many documents you’ll need before applying for your Canadian visa. Have fun gathering these. Make it a game. Kind of like a scavenger hunt devised by Ivan the Terrible and Courtney Love. Enjoy!

      •Your birth certificate. Proof you exist and of where you were born. If you popped out of a birth canal on American soil, chances are you have one of these.

      •Your criminal record (a.k.a. police certificate). Remember when your friends dared you to shoplift that bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 from the Circle K when you were sixteen years old? Life is filled with such regrets, and there’s a paper trail to remind you of them.

      •Your medical records. In a land of socialized health care, they really don’t want to accept expensive sick people. Seriously, don’t even cough during your entrance interview.

      •Your passport. You’re a foreign national. This is a no-brainer. Don’t have one? Get one! Don’t know how? Go to USPS’s website under international passports.

      •Your tax records. Thought you’d skip out of the States without paying your bill? Don’t be a

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