A Geezer's Guide to Mullet Maintenance and Combover Care
By Chris Martin
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About this ebook
Chris Martin
CHRIS MARTIN is this very moment endeavoring to become himself, a somemany and tilted thinking animal who sways, hags, loves, trees, lights, listens, and arrives. He is a poet who teaches and learns in mutual measure, as the connective hub of Unrestricted Interest/TILT and the curator of Multiverse, a series of neurodivergent writing from Milkweed Editions. His most recent book of poems is Things to Do in Hell (Coffee House, 2020) and he lives on the edge of Bde Maka Ska in Minneapolis, among the bur oaks and mulberries, with Mary Austin Speaker and their two bewildering creatures.
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A Geezer's Guide to Mullet Maintenance and Combover Care - Chris Martin
A SHORT HISTORY OF HAIRSTYLES
You only need to look at the story of Samson and Delilah to see just how important a man’s hairstyle can be. In this epic Bible story the famously strong man was stripped of his powers by the loss of his locks. While this cautionary tale has inspired writers, sculptors, composers and screenwriters throughout the ages, Samson’s drape is just one of a long list of classic men’s hairstyles over the centuries. What follows is a whistle-stop journey through the hairdos that shaped the world of men as we know it.
Ancient World
Having just evolved from apes and with the first professional hairdresser still several centuries away, it is safe to assume that primeval man must have rocked some kind of Shag cut, even though it may have been difficult to distinguish it from the rest of his abundant body hair. As early and primitive societies formed, the first formal hairstyles began to evolve, with men’s long unruly hair being tied back with hide bands. However, men soon evolved further to use iron or bronze shears to crudely crop their unruly bangs in an effort to control it. By the time of the Babylonian and Assyrian Empires, men were going further than just cropping and began to deliberately style their hair, growing it long and dyeing it black, as well as creating crimping and curling effects with hot irons to set off their long square beards.
The Ancient Egyptians chose to wear their hair very short and even shaved their heads to deal with the desert heat. Sexually ambiguous members of the royal elite would cover their bald domes with elaborate headdresses and wigs held in place with beeswax and resin. These were cut into short symmetrical shapes or styled into long braids before being adorned with ivory hairpins, flowers or golden ornaments. But by the time of the Golden Age of Greece such gender-bending flamboyance was gone, as the Greeks – with their focus on logic and reason – favoured short, pragmatic haircuts.
Roman Empire
Probably the most famous do of the Roman era was created by the emperor Julius Caesar who wore his hair short, brushed forward from the crown and oiled flat against his scalp. Though the Imperial trim set off a laurel crown delightfully, such Caesar cuts had not always been popular in Ancient Rome. In the early – more austere – days of the Republic, Roman men generally followed simple styles inspired by their Greek forebears. It was in the later years of Imperial Rome that the Romans’ narcissism (helped by the fact that they ruled most of the known world) ushered in a whole new age.
Barbering had been introduced to Rome from the Greek colonies of Sicily in 296 BC. Though public barbers were originally used by those who could not afford to keep a slave to cut their hair, the new shops quickly became popular as a venue to catch up on local gossip and political moves in the Senate. As a bonus, these first barbers doubled up as surgeons and dentists, so as well as a haircut and shave, they’d throw in blood-letting, cupping, leeching and even the odd enema. Access to these new (relatively) skilled hairstylists, combined with the wild extravagance of the times, saw the upper classes fashioning elaborate ringlets with curling irons and dusting their hair with coloured powders or – for those committed to the kind of super bling that would put P Diddy to shame – gold dust.
Middle Ages
Following the collapse of the Roman Empire, the Germanic barbarians who overran Europe preferred to focus more on destruction and mayhem than hairdressing. They favoured long, flowing (unwashed) locks and straggly beards – a bit like a nation of psychotic Gandalfs. One ruling family of the barbarian era, the Merovingians, were often referred to as the ‘long-haired kings’ (Latin reges criniti) as their unchecked hair growth clearly distinguished them from the more civilised Franks, who commonly cut their hair short. These barbarians attached great importance to their hair. How long a man’s hair was became a symbol of power and authority, and in battle they tied their tresses in a high Top Knot to appear taller and more terrifying to their short-haired enemies. Indeed, outside of being caught flipping through interior-decoration magazines with his knitting circle, the worst humiliation a barbarian could face was to lose his hair; as a result slaves and war prisoners were routinely shorn to complete their humiliation.
Near the end of the tenth century, the Catholic Church, seeking to curtail the power of the barbarian kings, began to issue edicts against the length of men’s hair. Excommunication by Rome meant the loss of a king’s authority to rule, so these edicts meant Christian kings had to get a haircut and shave pronto or risk being unseated. The results saw a movement towards shoulder-length hair. This