The Tao of Intimacy and Ecstasy: Realizing the Promise of Spiritual Union

introduction

RELATIONSHIP CAN BE a place of healing, of happiness, and of deep love connection, or it can make us feel lost, alone, and hopeless. It can raise us to the highest levels of radiant beauty, or it can crash us down on the rocks of despair. It can be a place of solace and comfort and instill a deep feeling of belonging, or it can make us sad and bitter and afraid to reach out again.

At the present time, books on relationship are all around us. The bookshelves are full of self-help books on all aspects of relationship—from sex manuals to guidance on creating and sustaining healthy relationships. There are books on spiritual relationship from the viewpoint of various religions and psychotherapies as well as advice books by famous celebrities.

What makes The Tao of Intimacy and Ecstasy different from these other books is that it utilizes the unique and ancient wisdom of the Taoist (Daoist) masters from thousands of years of Chinese history to educate, enlighten, and illuminate us so that we may better traverse the challenging and oftentimes shaky ground of sacred union. By sacred union, I mean a union that exists on many levels—from day-to-day emotions to heights of sublime ecstasy. A sacred union is a relationship in which both parties have their hearts and eyes wide open. A sacred union is one that allows each partner the space to grow and develop and delve deeply into their own inner landscape while also having a safe place to explore together. A sacred union is a place where wounds—emotional, sexual, physical, or energetic—can have a place and time to heal.

Being in sacred union with another means meeting them on a level playing field, where each person has the right to be heard and seen, not just for who they are when they are at their best, but also for who they are in any present moment. Sacred union encourages each partner to be as open and honest as it is possible in any moment to be, both with themselves and with each other. A sacred union is a union that can last for years or for a lifetime. It is a union that feeds and sustains each partner in the deepest and richest way possible. A sacred union is one in which it is acknowledged that there is a higher force involved, be it Spirit, the God or Goddess, the Great Mystery, or Tao itself. And this higher power is something that can be spoken to, sung to, prayed to, in order that this union be continually blessed and supported.

Lastly, by a sacred union, I mean a relationship that can not only give us the warm love connection we so deeply seek from the one we love but can also assist both of us in our spiritual cultivation. It is in this way that we can best use this practice of sacred union, both for ourselves and for the world around us.

When two people love each other from the highest level of their being, they create a vortex of healing love energy that surrounds them and travels out in waves to affect others. It is for this reason that sacred union is so important: in creating our own sacred union, not only will we be able to start, sustain, and evolve more healthy, more creative, more fun, and more spiritual relationships with those we love, but we will also be a force for healing and beauty in the world around us—a world that is so desperately seeking hope and healing.

By utilizing the principles of Taoism, we can educate ourselves and inspire ourselves to be more open, more grounded, more giving, and more happy in our relationships. By using the practices of Taoism, we can create a space of healthy and loving relationship, both for ourselves and for our loved ones. By using such Taoist concepts and practices as the slippery art of wu wei (not doing), the watercourse way, the cosmic dance of yin/yang, the tai chi of communication, Taoist sexual yoga, the Art of the Bedroom, returning to the source (Taoist meditation), and chi gong (qigong), we can finally realize the promise of spiritual union.

I have been studying the principles and practices of Taoism for almost twenty-five years and have applied them to every aspect of my life. Besides affecting health issues, I think the greatest impact has been on my relationship life. Going slowly, being present in every moment, not having my own agenda, being okay with what is happening rather than what I want to happen, being the steward of my own energy both physically and emotionally—these and many more things I have taken from my studies of the Taoist arts and employed in my relationships.

You will not have to convert to the Taoist religion in order to gain benefit from the teachings in this book. Indeed, for thousands of years in China there was no such thing as a Taoist religion. The teachings of the ancient masters like Lao Tzu (Laozi), who wrote the Tao Te Ching (Daode Jing), and Chuang Tzu (Zhuangzi), as well as numberless other nameless masters of both sexes, have continued to reverberate down through the years and can have a powerful effect on our lives even in this twenty-first century. No matter what your spiritual or religious path, you will be able to use these exercises and principles to add a new dimension to a current relationship or to a future relationship. While the practices in this book are, for the most part, for creating and maintaining a romantic or love relationship, many of them can also be of great use in your family or working relationships as well.

This book is a distillation of these teachings and practices. It is for anyone who is interested in both creating and sustaining a relationship that serves the highest good in both parties, that is full and fresh and fun, and that evolves along with the changes in each person’s life as well as the life of the relationship itself. You will learn how to bring these ancient principles and practices into every aspect of your relationship life, as well as into your own personal self-cultivation. You will be able to move forward into a more sustainable and healthy relationship lifestyle—physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

You will learn to

•communicate more clearly and more respectfully;

•bring a sense of balance and harmony into your life, especially your love life;

•use the concept of yin/yang to find balance both within your relationship as well as within yourself;

•use sexual energy not only for fun and sensual lovemaking but also as a tool for spiritual cultivation and health enhancement;

•bring your energetic system into balance;

•strengthen your connection to the earth.

Instead of treating sex as merely a physical release, you will be able to bring both a high level of spirituality and a greater depth of pleasure for both you and your partner through the principles and practices of Taoist sexual yoga. Instead of feeling low energy or having multiple health problems, which get in the way of enjoying your life together, you will be able to enjoy greater health and wellbeing through the practice of chi gong. Instead of feeling confused and unclear in your thought processes and emotions, you will be able to attain greater clarity and a stronger emotional balance through both the practices of chi gong and Taoist meditation.

It is often when we are in relationship with others that we can learn to know ourselves in a deeper and richer way. It is my hope that you will be able to take this book and use it in your relationship life to get to know both your partner and yourself in deeper and more profound ways.

Author’s Note: All quotations from the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu and Inner Chapters by Chuang Tzu are my own interpretation of the works by these ancient sages. Since I did not translate directly from classical Chinese, I cannot claim that they are translations. I like to call them my interpretations, as they are the fruit of many years of studying both the texts themselves and the philosophy and practices they teach.

Chapter references are listed after quotes from the Tao Te Ching and Inner Chapters. Both of these books have had a profound influence on Chinese culture as a whole and especially on Taoism and have remained in print for thousands of years. Many readers find chapter references handy when navigating the different published versions of these texts.

1

what is taoism?

The Tao is an empty vessel;

it is used but never exhausted.

It is the fathomless source

of the ten thousand beings!

LAO TZU, TAO TE CHING (CHAPTER 4)

What Is Tao?

The Tao that can be told or described in words is not the eternal Tao. So begins the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu, written some twenty-five hundred years ago. This book has become the most widely translated book in the world after the Bible. It contains much wisdom in its few pages. Lao Tzu’s writing is spare and poetic and leaves much room for reflection and meditation.

In addition to being the most well-known book on Tao, it is still studied and chanted each morning in Taoists temples all over China. Lao Tzu was a scholar and spiritual teacher in ancient China, during the Zhou Dynasty (1046–256 BC). Society in that time was falling apart, with each state making war on the other. Civilization, as the ancient Chinese knew it, was crumbling. Despite holding an important and well-paid position in the royal archives, Lao Tzu thought it was time to leave. He headed out to the wild west of China, riding a water buffalo. When he reached the farthest edge of the kingdom, he met up with the person in charge of the garrison there, Yin He, who begged him to write down something of his teachings, so students of Tao would have something to refer to. The legend says that Lao Tzu spent one night there, writing eighty-one short, simple chapters. The next morning he struck out into the wilderness, never to be seen again.

The term Tao is used to describe the indescribable, to put into words what is wordless, to give sound to the great silence. Tao can only be pointed to, or referred to, say the ancient sages. It cannot be held, only experienced. It cannot be touched, only felt. It cannot be seen, only glimpsed, with the inner eye. Yet Tao is our source, our path, our end as it is our beginning.

The Chinese word Tao is made up of two characters. One means to follow or to run, and the other means a human face. Together, these characters can be translated as a person moving along a path. Tao can also be thought of as the path, or way, itself. Hence, Tao is often referred to as the Way.

Lao Tzu says:

You look at it and it is not seen,

it is called the Formless.

You listen to it and it is not heard,

it is called the Soundless.

You grasp it and it cannot be held,

it is called the Intangible.

(Chapter 14)

Tao is at once the universal pageant of the constellations and the budding of each new leaf in the spring. It is the constant round of life and death and all that falls between, an undying cycle of change and renewal. While Tao is not personalized, it sustains all of creation, giving life and supporting all living beings—human, plant, animal, water, even the very rock foundation of the earth itself. And, in the end, when we have shrugged off this mortal coil, we return to the bosom of undifferentiated consciousness, Tao.

Followers of the Path of Tao are dedicated to discovering the dance of the cosmos in the passing of each season as well as the passing of each precious moment in our lives. By paying attention only to what we can see with our eyes, we will miss seeing what is really there. It is only by seeing with the inner eye that we can see the true Way. By connecting to our eternal self, by finding a way back to our source, we can experience a sense of peace, of safety, and of harmony with the world around and within us.

The Path of Tao, with its emphasis on self-cultivation and self-responsibility and its many forms of energy work and exercise, is perfect for today’s world.

Tao is easy to lose, hard to find, impossible to describe, difficult to see, yet is ever before us, shining like a light in the darkness. Lao Tzu says:

My words are easy to understand and to apply,

yet no one understands them

or puts them into practice.

(Chapter 70)

The Path of Tao

Once there lived men and women who were not conscious of their separation from Tao; therefore, they were at one with it. Chuang Tzu, one of the most important Taoist sages of ancient times, describes this kind of person like this:

They did not mind being poor. They took no pride in their achievements. They made no plans. In this way, they could commit an error and not regret it. They could succeed without being proud. They could climb mountains without fear, enter water without getting wet, and pass through fire without being burned. They slept without dreaming and awoke without anxiety. Their food was simple and their breath was deep. They did not love life or hate death. When they were born they felt no elation, when they died there was no sorrow. Carefree they came. Carefree they went. That was all. They did not forget their beginning yet did not seek their end. They accepted all that was given them with delight and when it was gone, they gave it no more thought. (Chapter 2)

Nowadays we strive and struggle, never content, always sure there is something greater to achieve, something of greater value to attain, if only we can become successful in the eyes of the world. Yet at the end of the day, in the deep of the night, or in the first glare of the morning light, we feel empty and bereft. We have lost the Way and are very far indeed from those ancient men and woman who lived so lightly and so well.

It is in acknowledging the interconnectedness of all life that we can open ourselves to experiencing life in all its manifestations. By paying close attention to the flow of life around us, we can feel ourselves being carried along on the currents of energy and spirit that make up the universe.

The Path of Tao gives us ways to cultivate ourselves spiritually, energetically, and emotionally. It gives us specific practices to bring all our varying and vying selves into focus, harmony, and the oneness where we truly dwell—the eternal, ever-evolving Tao.

Tao, then, is the Way—as in direction, as in manner, source, destination, purpose, and process. In discovering and exploring Tao, the process and the outcome are one and the same. The Way to the goal, the Way along the way, the one who is going along the Way—they are all one and the same. Those who think that they can separate out what is spiritual from what is not spiritual, what is real from what is not real, what is eternal from what is not eternal—they are lost and confused. There is no way out or through but through the Way, or Tao, itself. But just as there are many different kinds of trees in the forest, so too are there many different approaches to Tao.

All paths are aspects of the one path; all truths are but the one truth. Everything that rises must converge. The men and women of Tao understand this and act accordingly. For them, the past, the present, and the future are of all of a piece. They make no distinctions between things, persons, or states of being. In this way, they free themselves from the cycle of change and dwell in the infinite Tao.

It has been said that words can actually get in the way of true communication. It is when we leave the world of words behind and enter deeply into the world of spirit that we can truly be said to be saying something.

How then are we to be able to know Tao? How can we experience, consciously, our connection with the divine? For without the connection to that eternal part of ourselves, all our suffering is in vain. This has been the mystic quest for thousands of years, in many different cultures.

We come from the eternal—before birth—clear and whole. We are then immersed in the dust of the world and lose our clarity, our wholeness. It is only through spiritual work that we can regain that original pure nature, so that at death we can go back into the eternal realm with clear vision and pure understanding. What is good and true about our natures must be cultivated.

Thus, on the Path of Tao, we call spiritual work self-cultivation. We plant the spiritual seeds into our beings and wait patiently for them to grow. We attend them and water them with our tears of joy and grief and mulch them with the negative experiences of our life. And then, if we are patient enough, we can experience the flowering of our Tao nature and flourish like a great flower in the sun.

The Taoist seeks to dig deep beneath all the layers of cultural and psychological silt that has accumulated in us humans over the millennia and to bring forth the shining pearl that lies there.

To enter the Path of Tao means simply to be the best, the most sincere, the