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    Heaven Is A Deal
    Heaven Is A Deal
    Heaven Is A Deal
    Ebook48 pages37 minutes

    Heaven Is A Deal

    By Michael Gerber

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    About this ebook

    An uproarious, irreverent, unauthorized parody of the Christian bestseller, Heaven Is A Deal tells the story of an unscrupulous Iowa couple's bungling attempts to send a preschooler to Heaven to meet Jesusâ then use the kid's memories to gain fame and fortune.

    The perfect antidote to fundamentalist claptrap, for believers and non-believers alike. You don't have to be rational to love this spoof...but it helps!
    LanguageEnglish
    PublishereBookIt.com
    Release dateApr 26, 2016
    ISBN9781890470098
    Heaven Is A Deal

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      Book preview

      Heaven Is A Deal - Michael Gerber

      Blastoff!

      AUTHORS’ NOTES

      My co-author, Michael Gerber (if that is his name) wrote this book with me under false pretenses. First, he told me that he spent a significant portion of his childhood in a small town in Missouri, but it turns out that he moved to Chicago for high school. Then, he said he was raised Christian, but any decent, God-fearing person knows that Unitarian is Liberal for Satanist.

      This book is the work of the Horned One. I disavow it completely.

      —Mitchell Creepo

      May 2011

      When I was four, I had an imaginary friend named Marie. Marie was a staunch Democrat (like my mom), and even went so far as to live in Vietnam and get bombed by President Nixon. My family found this very amusing and lovable.

      They did not, however, write a bestselling book saying that Marie was real and that I should become Secretary of State. What a difference thirty-eight years make, eh?

      I’m sorry Mr. Creepo feels ill-used. Might I suggest forgiving me, as I assume Christ would have.

      —Michael Gerber

      May 2011

      And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites [are]: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

      But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

      But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen [do]: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.

      —JESUS OF NAZARETH

      PROLOGUE: NOT SUPERSTITIOUS

      As a pastor, I don’t believe in superstitions. If one of my parishioners back in Buffalo Nut, Iowa, came to me worried about black cats and broken mirrors, I’d gently remind them that none of that stuff could hold a candle to the awesome power of our Lord Jesus Christ. So I don’t put any stock in such foolishness—but I can tell you from personal experience that God works in mysterious ways. For example: Would you believe this whole scandal was caused by an Arby’s roast beef sandwich?

      Well, not an Arby’s sandwich—all the décor inside said Ar_y’s. We used to tease the owner, saying that it sounded Jewish. We’d shout at him, Go eat some matzo! It was all a joke—we didn’t even know what matzo was, except that kind old Pastor Johnson always called it Satan’s saltines.

      Anyway, I don’t think the restaurant really had a name, once Arby’s forced them to take down the sign. You just had to know it was there, and if you didn’t, well, you were out of luck. Small towns are like that, and that’s why people like me love them. I’d been coming to this place for fifteen years, since freshman year of high school, when I joined the baseball team. Then, when I was a senior, it got kicked out of the chain for salmonella or something, I don’t know. All I know is that it’s twenty-five cents cheaper per potato

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