15 Minute Marriage

attorney.

Foreword

By

Scott Davenport, Ph.D.

Marriage & Family Therapist

Marriage is a covenant relationship entered into between one man and one woman for the purpose of the two becoming one flesh. This oneness enables them to rule according to their created design. God created male and female and gave them the right to rule in the earth. As each person commits to the welfare and wellbeing of the other, each spouse learns the value of selfless living.

If this is true, why is it then that half of all marriages end in divorce and an even larger percentage of the population are opting to cohabitate or remain single? What is the problem? For most, it is the marriage commitment. They fear it will bring loss of personal freedom.

In God’s original design for marriage, divorce was not an option. The husband and wife were to live in this vital union until death separated them. However, in today’s society, with the motto being life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, more and more people are opting to remain single or cohabitate to ensure personal security.

The Bible says it is not good for man to be alone. We are created to be social beings and it is through the marriage union that mankind is to procreate, fill the earth and rule over it. In order to rule over others, men and women must first learn to rule over themselves and this should take place prior to the union called marriage. For it is the ability to control one’s self that enables them to rule the world.

Married for over thirty-five years and serving as a Marriage & Family Therapist, I share with couples that the key to a healthy marriage is to always remember that at the core of the relationship is self-less giving. In other words, we should go into the relationship with a heart to give before we seek to receive. A believer’s interest must shift from selfish desires to the needs of their spouse. Marriage is a relationship of commitment. Its primary purpose is not personal happiness but fulfilling God’s purpose, learning to control self and giving to the other person.

In 15 Minute Marriage, Ronda tackles age old dilemmas and destroys the mythical ideas regarding marriage while defining the context of its original purpose. I applaud her simplistic, but insightful view on marriages and relationships.

As believers read her work, I pray that they will allow it to shape or reshape preconceived notions about marriage and embrace the truth of this divine institution and the positive value it brings to our society and the world. Also, I pray they will understand the purpose of marriage, how to choose a mate and how to navigate through some of the difficulties that married couples encounter so that they can sustain their marriages for a lifetime while learning to walk in dominion, authority and power. For this is the true heritage of the saints.

Acknowledgements

I am a truly blessed woman. Throughout my life God has favored me. For this I am eternally grateful. Humbled by God’s choice to use me as His vessel, I thank Him for revealing to me my purpose in life and giving me the grace to pursue it. It is His grace that has equipped me to do this work. I am grateful for the people He sent to support and encourage me with words of affirmation that spoke the truth in love and pushed me through to the finish. These people are more than friends, they are family.

I am especially thankful to many members of my intimate circle who prayed and believed. Thank you for intriguing me with challenging questions, offering suggestions, brainstorming ideas, sharing testimonials and listening to my endless complaints. There are no words to express the depth of my appreciation for the invisible hand that pressed and encouraged me to completion without ceasing.

Many inspired me to complete the work of God, but I am especially beholden to Mrs. Hester W. White, Dr. Ra’Quel Shavers, Ms. Jacqueline Terrell and Ms. Audrey Krishell Sam. I thank them for their consistent prayer, positive reinforcement and listening ears.

I would be without excuse if I forgot to thank my pastor, Remus E. Wright. Pastor Wright’s insightful outlook enabled me to focus on the issues that believers struggle with from day-to-day. His ability to envision the concept, as it applied to the needs of believers, helped to smooth out the rough patches and greatly enhance this material. I thank God for the commitment to service in ministry displayed by Pastor Wright and his heavenly helpmate, Mia K. Wright and I pray that God will continue to bless their endeavors.

Confirmation comes to believers in many forms. There are no words to express my abounding gratitude to Dr. Scott Davenport. I am grateful that God choose to us Scott to affirm the words I heard deep in the recesses of my soul. His input enabled me to organize the principles of this book and develop the ideas and concepts into a completed work. I pray that God will continue to use Scott and his helpmate, Dr. Barbara Davenport as role models of true covenant marriage in our community.

Some people come into our lives and speak a word in passing that has a profound impact. The power of their words remained with me and inspired me to move forward. I am especially indebted to John Richie Chiles, IV for being the first to affirm me as a writer. Thanks, John for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. I am obliged to remember Jennifer Basye Sander for taking time to push me, with words of encouragement that rang out, Publish something, anything, just publish something. Thanks, Gin for letting me know that my work was worth publishing.

Countless friends have listened to the premise of this book for years waiting anxiously for its birth. Specifically, I thank those close confidants and friends who weathered the storms with me, loved me in spite of me, believed in me and encouraged me along the way. I love you.

A constant supporter throughout my life has been my family. I acknowledge my entire family whose praying spirits kept my concerns before the throne of grace and mercy. I love each for their individual and collective expressions of hope, love and encouragement toward me. Thank you for being a testament of what God can do through a family that prays and supports one another. God is using all of us in mighty and miraculous ways. I am grateful to be a part of our clan. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being one of the greatest gifts God has ever given me.

Introduction

Cable News Network (CNN) recently reported on the story of Wok Kundor, a Malaysian woman seeking to marry her twenty-third husband. More than one hundred years of age, Ms. Kundor was currently married to a thirty-seven year-old man, whom she feared had abandoned her. The story went on to say that although she was not yet divorced from husband number twenty-two, she already had her eyes set on the man she hoped would be her next conquest. It was revealed that some of her former spouses were deceased, and others she had divorced. Although the article did not reveal Ms. Kundor’s religious beliefs or her faith, the message behind this story of her journey was astounding.

As an attorney, I have represented clients, watched families and loved ones work through difficult marriages, and endured a 15 Minute Marriage of my own. After the dissolution of my marriage, I began to wonder: if believers are called to follow God’s ideals and perspectives about marriage, why are so many believers succumbing to 15 Minute Marriages?

I wondered why marriages are lasting as few as eighteen days and no longer than ten to fifteen years. The question for me was not Where is the love? but rather, Where is the staying power? or How do we make it last? Finally, I wanted to know, Why are so few marriages surviving?

Prior to the 1960’s, most Americans considered divorce an unacceptable option. Advocates for marriage considered divorce a threat to the family dynamic. The cultural and liberal revolution of the late sixties and seventies made divorce appear to be the way to escape an uncomfortable situation. Family lawyers lobbied for milder restrictions against divorce and for more efficient processes, so that we now have more first-time divorces, mid-life divorces and retirement divorces than ever before. Seen as a perceived entitlement, many believers have used the benefits of the law without considering the spiritual costs or consequences of their choice.

While proponents of marriage preach unity and oneness, the temptation of cohabitation has also become an attractive option for single and divorced believers. Turning believers away from marriage seems to be at the top of the enemy’s agenda. With my curiosity peaked I pondered how many believers ever truly considered God’s perspective about relationships and marriage prior to saying I do.

With the number of believers marrying, then divorcing and remarrying or cohabitating, often for the third or fourth time, my contemplation of God’s view about the matter grew. Surely, I thought, God must have something He would like believers to consider, understand and embrace before they make these important life choices.

Divorce is often a permanent decision about a temporary problem. Reasons for separation vary from the simplest causes to the most severe concerns. Believers often find themselves disagreeing over something as trivial as disposing of old furniture or possessions, to making major life choices, without the input of the other spouse. These light offenses can be so great they sabotage a marriage.

I do not hold myself out to be an expert or biblical scholar on marriage or divorce, but I am simply a believer who was brave enough to pursue God for some answers. Many affluent scholars have successfully tackled the issues of marriage and divorce. Still, I believe that survivors of marriage and divorce are graced with a special degree of input; also, I believe God has a message for survivors.

For those who have been married for decades, tools on biblical principles concerning marriage, as well as personal testimonies are easy to find. But, for those who have survived divorce, a unique gift is given. There is none better to express the hardships of an unsuccessful marriage and the impact of divorce than those who have experienced it.

Testimonials of different, yet similar, struggles continue to increase. I hope that the stories in this book will help divorced believers understand they are not alone in their pain and disappointment.

I have found over the years that God provides answers to all who diligently and fervently seek Him; and no one, but God is better to explain why a marriage ends. After reading this material, I pray that believers will have a clear vision for future relationships and marriages.

I pray that singles will learn godly ways to deal with relationships and ideals about marriage. I encourage them to embrace God’s manner of dating and selecting a mate prior to marriage; and exercise quality time with God through prayer, study of the word and worship. I pray that doors of discernment and the windows of wisdom will open for them the next time they are facing the decision to choose or consider a mate.

Although, this material, at times, may appear to be strong medicine with a merciless taste; I pray that by the conclusion many will understand the value of pursuing God’s will for their lives and acquire the patience to wait for Him to fulfill their deepest desires for a spouse.

For those contemplating remarriage, I hope they will earnestly heed the warnings offered here. Experience has shown that many people suffer uncomfortable periods in their lives after divorce. Adjustment is demanded while betrayal, resentment and discouragement continue to linger. Believers know they are commanded to forgive, but it is difficult at times when it seems like the least appealing thing to do. Instead of praying and casting their cares and pain on God, many believers quickly jump into the next relationship. Sadly, some begin anew, before the initial marriage has ended. Although the person they’ve found may be the one, they have skipped an essential period in their recovery and healing. Before they know it they’re in another full blown relationship, discussing the possibility of marriage.

Instant gratification has become a necessity in our culture. With Wi-Fi, touch screens, instant messaging and text messaging, few are inclined to wait for anything. In fact, waiting in line at the grocery store has even become a challenge. A quick solution called self-checkout has been provided. And with the same manner of swiftness believers are walking in and out of marriage. From this book, I pray those desiring to remarry learn how to proceed with caution, consult with God before making decisions, and trust that whatever He shares with them is the best course of action.

Daily, we pray for God to restore and salvage broken marriages, but what happens after we have prayed and God still allows the marriage to end? I believe God wants believers to get this marriage thing right the first time. Repeated attempts, although a part of our reality, should not be a part of the process.

When we seek God for answers, guidance, and support, He promises to provide. But obstacles often attempt to prevent believers from seeking God. I hope this material will give believers a sense of ease and assurance that clarifies God’s plans for their lives. I pray this information will provide them with the motivation needed to make the necessary changes required for success in their marriages and relationships.

Everything we hear is not guaranteed to be what we want, but in the end, we realize it is what we need. I pray that through this book believers will see the importance of practicing godly choices and lifestyles.

God promises prosperity and protection for our obedience while choosing our own way exposes us to more uncertain circumstances and outcomes. Sticking with God delivers us from unnecessary conflicts, trials and tribulations that seek to destroy us.

Practical considerations are offered that many believers may not have known or considered. Some of the principles found here may seem difficult to face or accept, but if it convicts or confirms what a believer already knows about God and the truth of His word, then attaining the knowledge is enough.

I pray that God will speak through the pages of this material and resonate a message in the hearts and minds of all believers that will inspire them to seek after God and His truth as it applies to their lives.

Truly, living for God is not always easy; but it is always worth it. Accepting transformation is up to the believer. I pray that this book will serve as a catalyst and a guide to assist each reader through the process. Proceeding at one’s own pace and with His guidance, I know the work will be done. For I am confident, He who has begun a good work will complete it even until the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6). Be blessed.

Chapter One

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

Like clock-work, it’s back. As the five o’clock hour approaches and the work day comes to an end, that familiar heaviness rears its head. Thoughts of your present condition and lasting heartache consume your mind as you envision what you must face next. Fellow co-workers rush out the front door. While dread fills your heart, you watch them scurry out. Each day it greets you. Without notice it appears. You can’t remember when or how it started. But it remains.

As you glance at the clock on your desk you contemplate the momentum of the next several hours. Defeated by the thought of the challenges in your life, you think of ways to avoid the apparent distress. Perhaps another hour of work will soothe your nerves. Maybe escaping to the local bar for a drink will diminish your anxiety.

Vices bring comfort, but despite their inability to fill the emptiness within, you seek another. Family and friends voice their concern, but you defend your right to continue these ineffective distractions.

Denial of your dilemma is much easier than facing its harsh reality. Confused and ashamed, you refuse to confront your true feelings about the matter with anyone, including yourself. You pick up the phone and begin to dial a trusted confidant, but again your conversation ends without confession. Conceding to go it alone, you nurture your pain.

Each day, the vicious cycle begins again. Every day you think of a new way to delay going home to face your spouse. After seeking refuge in more outlets than you prefer to admit, you start home. Uncertain of what to expect, secretly you hope he or she will not be there. You acknowledge the fact that your complaints have grown. Daily, you argue and your emotions are drained.

The place that was once your haven has become a living hell. With each peak there are more and more valleys. Just when you think things are finally settled, another disagreement erupts. Soon there are fewer peaks and more valleys; as the beginning of the end of your marriage takes shape.

Unsure, why this is happening, believers begin to wonder: If marriage is supposed to be about love and companionship, why do they feel so alone? Some ask themselves, Where did this emptiness come from? Did I ever love this person? Did they ever love me? We had so much in common. What happened? Where is the love? How did we get here? And how do I we get out of this?

Survivors of 15 Minute Marriages have pondered these questions for decades. One minute they blame themselves, the next they blame their spouses. The bewilderment continues while the pain and strife steer them toward the end.

Divorce statistics in 2008 predicted that 40 percent of first time marriages would end in divorce; 65 percent of second marriages; and 73 percent of third and fourth marriages end the same way.¹ Currently, statistics suggest that the rate of divorce for first-time marriages is 41 percent; second-time marriages is 60 percent and third-time marriages is 73 percent.² Some refute the fact that the divorce rate is increasing. This argument, however, must be compared with the acceleration of those who are opting not to marry and choosing instead to cohabitate. According to a recent poll, upwards of 70 percent of couples in the United States are choosing to cohabitate.³

Millions of couples who choose to marry, however, face similar challenges. Most married couples experience a long list of difficulties such as: financial hardship, illness, death of loved ones, rebellious children, lack of passion or motivation in their careers or relationships, spousal insecurity and competiveness, to name a few. Some overcome these obstacles and survive, but unfortunately, almost half succumbed to divorce.

An agreement made for life has become nothing more than a fifteen minute plight. It has become a temporary experience that most prefer to forget. But after the love has gone and the fairytale has ended, the same unanswered questions remain.

Too often couples reconcile their defeat by seeking another triumph. Many believe there is no easier way to heal a broken heart than to start another relationship. Often the medicine of choice becomes another marriage. As unanswered questions remain, however, these same couples soon find they have embarked upon another debacle.

People long for love and companionship. By rushing to fulfill this need, some people settle for a partner they know cannot or will not meet their expectations. Statistics show that some may know even before they march down the aisle that the relationship is faltering. Despite this revelation, many bravely forge ahead and before the marriage starts, the end begins. Jesus taught that God never intended for man to divorce. (Matthew 19:8(b)). So how did we get here? And why has divorce become an acceptable method of deliverance? Let’s find out.

Chapter Two

A HISTORICAL LOOK BACK

The beginning of the end of marriages occurred generations before our time. In order to fully understand the concept we now refer to as divorce we must look back to its inception.

Purely a man-made anomaly, divorce was created